Title:  ẞ.L.I.N.D

Author:  JoOJee

Reviewer: Stephanie (Whytheglumface)

Let me start of this review by introducing myself. I’m Whytheglumface, or you can call me Steph. *^^* I’m here to just offer you friendly advice for your story, in which you’ve humbly requested for me to review. Please do not take any criticisms as an insult, but as an opportunity to improve your story. I apologize in advance if I have offended you in any way.

Title: [6/10] 

Thumbs up. I like it. It is to the borderline of simplicity, and simplicity often does wonders to attracting readers. The titling may also spark interest and may evoke questions such as, “What is blind? Is love blind? Are one of the characters blind?” So, in that aspect, I applaud you. However, since the interest in a story is very laboriously dependent on the title alone, I have deducted quite the majority of points in this category. One word titles just almost never do the trick, with the exception of classic titles, such as Twilight. Though you may not be in Team Jacob or Edward, you’ve got to admit; such titles are very eye-catching and will easily shoot skyrocket with critics and the crowds alike. I suggest... no, I emphasize that you consider alternating the title into something more in depth, a trait of Sooyoung that she has never revealed to the world. Something outside the box. Now, I’m not the expert when producing titles, so I may be of no help in this category. My suggestion is browse through some fan-fictions and note of the ones that interested your most.

Poster/Background [7.5/10]

I was totally mesmerized by the editing of SooYoung. It was very subtle, and her posture enhanced the gist of the story. However, the quotes, I find, quite irritable due to the font. The font disturbed the “flow” of the poster, and believe me when I say this: the title and the author alone in the poster will score a 9.5 at the very least. If you insist on keeping the quote, then please consider changing the font. It will truly be more gentle and pleasing to the eye.

Description/Foreword [12/20]

To simplify, you have included extensive background information in the Foreword alone, and such facts are completely unnecessary when it comes down to progressing the story. The wealthy background of a particular individual is, as you might already be aware of, completely cliché and overrated in the world of AFF. If I had the capability of completely diminishing such cliché themes, I would. The wealth is an aspect that is almost always mentioned, yet it is never a hindrance nor does it evolve the story. Then, tell me the purpose of mentioning such things. I suggest you cut down the description to a maximum of 6 sentences. That’s all you need to have a hook to the story. Consider deleting the character profiles. This may sound biased, but I completely detest character profiles. In most cases, such characteristics are not even expressed correctly in the story line, and another aspect to consider is that the perspective and description of the character should be up to the readers to harbor and not for you to blab about in the foreword. Though the prettiness of the foreword may decrease excessively, at least you’ll be able to score high on the critic’s books if you do as I say. The trailer was a bit of a lackluster, in my opinion. It expressed the shallowness of the story, and those little titlings you’ve given to each character is, bluntly, quite amusing. Such titles are unnecessary, so delete them immediately. Overall, the video just lacked the punch; the hook to attract readers. There was nothing out of the ordinary that could possibly result of drawing more readers in. It was overly simple, easily reproduced and basically just a bunch of characters fretting over a minor thing. Falling for the death traps of a play boy has emerged yet again in this story, which is a blowing disappointment. Consider possibly adding a bit more spice to the story?  The displaying of the foreword was executed impeccably, portraying a diversity of your designing skills. And for that, you have managed to score a 12.

Plot [12/30]

There are countless punctuation, capitalization, run-on sentences errors sprinkled all over the place, which I will elaborate on briefly over at the grammar section. Since I am already complaining about such things, I might as well inform you that the very apparent grammar errors lower a significant amount of the quality of your work to a level 1. It’s just... very messily done. I’m quite against the extreme involvement of SooYoung’s acquaintances of her love life, but I guess that’s inevitable. Truthfully, I have only read the first chapter of the story, yet I already gotten an unfavorable feel of the story. You have every right to call me a lazy reviewer, but in most cases, that’s what I do for most reviews. I just receive this general feel of the fan-fiction, and boom. Turns out I’m correct. Overall, the storyline is in need of major tweaking, and the construction altogether is just very much hastily done. Please PM if you desire for a full review regarding the plot section.

Grammar/Spelling [15/20]

[Chapter 1] "I'm not afraid to tell you that I love you; I love you with my all heart. And I want to promise you that we will never be apart. The moment I saw you I felt you were the one; the right one for me and that day, I knew you are someone special, and I will never walk away of my heart," Jiyong said before he holds the other's hand and gently places it on his chest. 

"That's so gay!" Taeyang said, pulling his hand that was held by Jiyong.

"What's so gay? It works with ladies," Jiyong said, sneering.

"And this is rule number...?" Taeyang asked while walking to the fridge, looking for something to drink.

"54!" Jiyong said and threw his fist in the air as a victory sign.

"Jiyong, you really think someone will follow your rules one day?" Taeyang asked sarcastically.

"Seungri," Jiyong answered then laughed at their absent friend.

"Why isn't there any kind of juice here?" Taeyang asked and then furiously slapped the fridge door shut.

"I just moved here, I didn't buy any groceries," Jiyong said shrugging then he sat on one of the kitchen seats.

"You have lived here for the past two weeks!" Taeyang said in confusion.

"Well I unpacked my stuff yesterday so technically, I just moved in" Jiyong said with confidence as he nodded at his own words.

During the moment, Jiyong's cell phone rang , "Won't you answer it?" Taeyang asked.

"Nah, it's Yuri." Jiyong refused to answer his younger sister's phone call. Typically he has been always ignoring her. She is annoying.

 Well maybe, she is in need," Taeyang said, then taking Jiyong's phone, but didn't have the chance to answer, Jiyong pulled his phone right back and looked straightly at Taeyang.

"What?"

"You're breaking rule number… Well I don't remember which rule it is, but I'm sure there's a rule states 'Don't answer younger sister phone calls', and I'm not willing to break it," Jiyong said and walked to the closet.

"Uh, that's so lame, Jiyong," Taeyang said, sighing after what Jiyong had said.

Almost 23 minutes later, Jiyong got out of his room fully-dressed; formal jacket with sport one under it and sunglasses and an upped settled bangs that can the others see his face features clearly.

"Dude, It's 10am," Taeyang said after he glanced the other's fancy clothes and look.

"I know, I look awesome right?" Jiyong said, chuckling as he turned around to face the wall mirror so that he can fix his Jacket collar.

"Who are you trying to impress?" Taeyang said and chuckled along with the other guy.

"Look, if you've read my rules that I've written on my blog, you'd know what I'm doing!" Jiyong said and slung his arm on TaeYang.

"You mean when you wear fancy clothes in the morning to attract the rich girls?" Taeyang said, knowing him at an infant age.

"Bingo!" Jiyong sneered and walked out holding his phone after he deleted Yuri's missed calls.

So, do you get the gist? Many punctuation, grammar and capitalization errors are evident in merely one chapter. Correct them immediately. Your vocabulary range is also in need of more blooming and progress. Using a vast range of vocabulary will completely enhance the angst-themed storyline you might possibly be aiming for.  

Overall Enjoyment [3/10]

No need to criticize more as I have already have, agree?

Bonus [2/5]

Just because I felt like it. Yes, I am emotionally unstable and biased.

Total Score: 57.5/105 or 54.8%

Stephanie’s Note: I do not know why, but I feel like there is a need of apologizing. I may have come to the point of bashing at some areas, but I cannot help but feel the critical improvement this storyline needs. Hopefully, you will not let such a score disappoint you, and may you continue to write stories that will bring smiles to your subscribers. Regards.

A n n o u n c e m e n t ஐ

Gaiz. I need more staff members. If you know any graphic desginers/reviewers, please recommend my shop to them. Thanks a bunch, bruh. P.S. Ermahgerd, Song Joong Ki's super adorkable. kthanxbai.