Title: The Bad Boy Handbook For Idiots

Author: MrsPrinceKyu

Reviewer: kpoplistener

 

Title: 3/5

The title basically explained the whole story. It was eye catching, yes, but the title is so similar to others and it'sa bit overdone. Girl meets bad boy, girl learns about bad boy since she's not too familiar with that subject, and then "The End". You could've made it bit mysterious and more eye catching, and a title that doesn't explain the storyline. However, it reeled me in. So good job! ~^^

 

Appearance: 13/15

The poster was great, and it matches the mood of the story. So good job to the one who made it.

 

Description/Foreword: 5/10

The description and foreword was too long. The description is where you put the summary of the story. Since you went for summarizing each girls situations, you could've made it shorter. And another option is to generalize the three girls. For example:

 

Three girls find theirselves in a situation. One has to melt the ice prince. The other one has to change the player. And the last one needs to break into his shell. These girls lives change as they look into these three guys. Will they able to succeed? Or will their plans fail? 

 

It was short, but it summarized the story. 

Also with the foreword, it was too long. You could've just put a sentence or two in the foreword. 

 

Characters: 10/10

Honestly, I loved the characters. Rin was the expert on bad boys. Danni was the foolish girl who wants Kai to realize his true feelings. Their characrters are developed very well. I liked how Rin tried to break in Kris' shell. I liked how Kai took Danni's personality hard. I liked how Mei is the innocent, first year girl. However, I doubt anyone is innocent once they get into high school. I'm joking.

Anyways, good job on the character development. Kris is finally opening up and Danni is giving Kai a taste of his own medicine.

 

Originality: 5/10

The story about a girl changing a player is a bit overused. However, I liked the fact that you included the bad boy expert, who is Rin. Even though that story is also a bit overused. So fusing two cliche stories, actually makes a great story. I liked it very much, and it was a bit different from the fanfictions I have already read. However, try coming up with a twist in end.

 

Flow: 15/15

The flow was not too fast, and not too slow. I kept up with it alright, so great job.

 

Grammar/Spelling: 5/10

 

“No I can’t, my parents want me to baby-sit after school.”

Correct: “No, I can’t. My parents want me to babysit after school.”

 

Kai was tall, he was exotic and handsome, he was friendly, outgoing, and charismatic. 

Correct: Kai was tall, exotic, handsome, friendly, outgoing and charismatic.

Unless you went for this: Kai was tall, exotic and handsome. He was also friendly, outgoing and charismatic.

She wanted to believe in Kai, but at the same time she knew that she shouldn’t. getting your heart broken , she knew that from experience.

Correct: She wanted to believe in Kai, but at the same time she knew that she shouldn’t. Getting your heart broken , and she knew that from experience.

If you want to add something, use the conjunction “and”. It means information will be added to the sentence you just wrote.

star bucks

Correct: Starbucks

Starbucks is a proper noun, therefore it should be capitalized. Also, there shouldn’t be a space in between star and bucks.

 

He started having these weird mood swayings

Correct: He started having these weird mood swings

You also tend to forget to capitalize the first letter of the sentence in a dialogue. Like this:

Rin sat back with a satisfied smile, “very well.”

Rin sat back with a satisfied smile, “Very well.”

 

You also tend to forget to capitalize the first letter in a sentence.

College was a little more free and relaxed, and Rin liked that factor of it. a lot of days she’d sit around on campus and enjoy her independent lifestyle, sitting by the trees to read a book or to sleep.

Correct: College was a little more free and relaxed, and Rin liked that factor of it. A lot of days she’d sit around on campus and enjoy her independent lifestyle, sitting by the trees to read a book or to sleep.

 

You forgot to capitalize the “a”.

 

Or Maybe it had something to do with the ten times he’d called her last night and the five voicemails he’d left.

Correct: Maybe it had something to do with the ten times he’d called her last night and the five voicemails he’d left.

 

Try not to start a sentence with a conjunction. A conjunction is used to join words, phrases or clauses together. The conjunction “Or” which you used didn’t join any word, phrase or clause. You used it to start a sentence, which is not proper. You used “But” to start a sentence too. Instead of “But” you can use “However”. “No I can’t, my parents want me to baby-sit after school.”

Correct: “No, I can’t. My parents want me to babysit after school.”

 

Kai was tall, he was exotic and handsome, he was friendly, outgoing, and charismatic. 

Correct: Kai was tall, exotic, handsome, friendly, outgoing and charismatic.

Unless you went for this: Kai was tall, exotic and handsome. He was also friendly, outgoing and charismatic.

She wanted to believe in Kai, but at the same time she knew that she shouldn’t. getting your heart broken , she knew that from experience.

Correct: She wanted to believe in Kai, but at the same time she knew that she shouldn’t. Getting your heart broken , and she knew that from experience.

If you want to add something, use the conjunction “and”. It means information will be added to the sentence you just wrote.

star bucks

Correct: Starbucks

Starbucks is a proper noun, therefore it should be capitalized. Also, there shouldn’t be a space in between star and bucks.

 

He started having these weird mood swayings

Correct: He started having these weird mood swings

You also tend to forget to capitalize the first letter of the sentence in a dialogue. Like this:

Rin sat back with a satisfied smile, “very well.”

Rin sat back with a satisfied smile, “Very well.”

 

You also tend to forget to capitalize the first letter in a sentence.

College was a little more free and relaxed, and Rin liked that factor of it. a lot of days she’d sit around on campus and enjoy her independent lifestyle, sitting by the trees to read a book or to sleep.

Correct: College was a little more free and relaxed, and Rin liked that factor of it. A lot of days she’d sit around on campus and enjoy her independent lifestyle, sitting by the trees to read a book or to sleep.

 

You forgot to capitalize the “a”.

 

Or Maybe it had something to do with the ten times he’d called her last night and the five voicemails he’d left.

Correct: Maybe it had something to do with the ten times he’d called her last night and the five voicemails he’d left.

 

Try not to start a sentence with a conjunction. A conjunction is used to join words, phrases or clauses together. The conjunction “Or” which you used didn’t join any word, phrase or clause. You used it to start a sentence, which is not proper. You used “But” to start a sentence too. Instead of “But” you can use “However”. 

So, some of your problems are capitalization, misspelled words, incorrect use of conjunction, incorrect use of pronouns, and also paragraphing. 

You need to know when to enter a new paragraph and how to separate dialogues from narrative sentences. When you separate them from sentences, it will be easier for the reader to read. 

 

Enjoyment: 5/5

You might think I didn't enjoy the story because of the grammar. In truth, I really actually liked the story, so much that I subscribed to it. I'm anticipating for the next chapter :)

 

Total: 61/100

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Thank you so much for letting me review your amazing story! I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I am because your story has so much potential! I really liked it! I hope you learned something, and you will apply it to the next chapter. Thank you again! Hwaiting~! ~^^ 

-kpoplistener