I don’t fully understand myself. Though I’ve told myself countless times that I have moved passed this issue, I continue to cry. Though I’ve been told to move on, is it that easy? Would you move on this quickly if you were where I am right now? It frustrates me how these answers will never be answered or that they are even being asked.

Nothing has changed since you left, it’s still the same – everything’s just as we left it since you’ve left for the hospital. I still follow the same routines which I’m sure you’d remember. Yes, I kept everything as it was, but nothing can completely stay the same now can it? These habits that make up my days have been altered slightly with your disappearance. If I could keep it exactly as it was, I would. The only problem is that you aren’t here to be able to make these chores seem like fun.

Remember when we first met? It was fate that brought us together, wasn’t it? What were the odds that we’d end up lofting in the same apartment? But then again, maybe fate made a mistake and came back to fix it. Why couldn’t you hold on longer? You didn’t take into consideration that it would ruin my life if you left. You didn’t consider the mental state of everyone waiting for you outside that operation room.

You were supposed to look after my brother – you were supposed to be his shield when I couldn’t be. But now neither of us can cover him from life’s harsh realities. Realities like death. It shouldn’t be wrong for me to deny your death. I don’t want to accept that you’ve parted from me permanently.

I hope you watch me cry and regret letting me go like you promised you wouldn’t. It has gotten to the point where I have no one else to blame but you. I’ve blamed myself, the boys, and hell, even my own brother. But no matter how I look at it, I can’t help but direct my anger at you.

Why are you always in the middle of our group photos? Why do you have to hold onto me so tight in the many pictures we’ve taken together? Why did you ask us to take so many pictures together? I miss the warmth that you could give me with even just a smile. Maybe that’s what I miss – your smile.

I continue to lie to myself that you’ll be waiting for me in that silly pink apron you bought but I refused to wear. Then whenever I step foot back into our apartment – our home, I begin to cry. I would kick off my shoes and run straight for the room. I suddenly feel glad that you stained our quilt with that cologne of yours. For a second I can almost picture you here lying next to me.

I don’t think I’ve eaten a proper dinner in a while. I would cook your favourite but then I’d cover it in saran wrap and store it away in the fridge, only to throw it away the next day.

Work is stressful as always. Now with it just being me who has to pay rent, it’s been getting tougher and tougher. I’ve been trying to get a promotion and I think it’s coming to me. But why am I crying again? I can hear your deep voice ringing in my ears.

‘I’m so proud of you!’ you would say and spin me around the room. We would have had a celebratory dinner and though you’d try to cook, it’d end up becoming a team effort. Team effort of course meant no work whatsoever. We’d decide on ordering in pizza and we’d make a mess trying to feed each other because you’d be an and slap the pizza in my face.

Looking back, I suddenly regret everything I’ve done wrong. Getting mad at you for small things so you’d pay attention to me – we’re both hot heads and it wouldn’t turn out like I thought it would. But for whatever reason, you’d always apologize to me even when I was clearly the one at fault. Did you really love me that much?

I can feel a scream of frustration tear through my throat into the pillow I’ve buried my face into. I’m a horrible person, aren’t I? You’re gone and all I can do is blame and question you. You’ve only ever shown me kindness and had expected the same which I gave. But now that you aren’t here, I can’t hold anything back anymore. I can feel a strange chill crawl up my spine, but the chill soon becomes comfortable and as if I was trying to reach for it, I held my arms out.

Would you hate me if you saw me the way I am right now? You only like kind girls, girls who are kind to you. I have failed countless times and I regret every single fight we’ve had, every single night I slept on the couch to distance myself from you and every tear of sadness shed when you were still with me.

As my arms dropped, I thought deeply that maybe if I had expected that you’d depart so soon, then maybe I would have shoved aside all of my personal problems to deal with yours. Here I go again, blaming myself. It feels a lot better than blaming you that’s for sure.

The tiny television in front of me mocked me with the smiles plastered on the people’s faces. Those people…us, those people smiling and goofing off on the TV, that’s us – or was. What were we doing that was so funny that just doesn’t seem funny anymore? Building forts and making videos in them, I stare at the corner of our room where the last one we built stands still built. Suddenly the clip changes and it’s just you. I can’t help but smile. The chill returns and I run to our room to grab the quilt to wrap it around myself. I have gotten chills a lot ever since you’ve departed.

You were dancing around in a jacket obviously too small for you. I can’t stop laughing, you’re aegyo was always too funny not to laugh at.

‘Buing Buing!’ your voice sounded through the terrible speakers. You always did want to replace that old thing. I hit rewind to hear you again, and I repeat until I feel like I’ve broken the remote. That laugh of yours, the one that never failed to make me laugh along. Where is it now when I need it most? Of course I begin to giggle when you start laughing at your own silliness.

I feel my stomach tighten as my laughter grows louder, but then it hit me. You aren’t really here. This only occurs to me when I try to reach for you but I feel no contact but that of my own body. I tighten my arms around myself, it’s not the same. The chill is even stronger now despite the blanket that’s usually so very warm.

The plush bunny you were supposed to propose to me with is left in the fort. I can’t bring myself to take it out. It’s hard enough to try and move on, but it reminds me of that day much too vividly. My heartbeat accelerates remembering the blood that covered my hands leaving that room. The last time I saw you, you were pale as a sheet and cold as ice laying there on the surgical table. I can’t even go to the doctors properly any more. It only further reminds me of how they pulled the blankets over your face.

My mother had fallen ill last November but I couldn’t bring myself to visit her. Junhong tells me I’m being stupid, he says that’s our mom and I should have the decency to visit her but I can’t. I can’t even drive by that goddamn hospital without breaking down.

I’m growing though, Himchan, I really am. I’m visiting her today. Junhong says she misses me, but she misses you too. She always did like you. You protected Junhong from everything our father couldn’t. You were my backbone, my heart, my everything.

I turn off the TV to cook myself some food before he comes. He’s coming to pick me up and take me to the hospital.

The smell of food is simply numbing. I don’t remember when I actually ate something I made myself. You always did like my cooking, and I’m afraid to try cooking new things. I never cooked things that you didn’t like. Without you here to give approval, I’m afraid to try new things.

I placed the plate of food onto the table and walked over to the bookshelf where I kept our photo albums. I do this a lot, and maybe I’m just self-destructive that I continuously look at our pictures when it comes time for dinner. I lose my appetite immediately, but like I said, I’m growing. I can’t help but smile at the countless pictures we have taken. My hands shake as I turn the pages, carefully taking each and every detail of your face. I brush my fingertips across a picture in particular. It was of the both of us on our anniversary. It seemed like it would be a horrid day because of the awful weather and the so called romantic mood being ruined by our foul mood. But then you did that thing you do. The one that made and still makes me want to hate you. You apologized to me.

It made my heart flutter knowing you cared that much about me, but now I feel regret wash over me when I realize just how much I put you through. It’s too late now though, isn’t it?

“I’m sorry.” I whisper, tears beginning to fall. The strange chill had once again returned to comfort me. It was no longer comforting, I didn’t want the chill. I want you.

“I’m sorry!” I yell, hoping you’ll hear me wherever you are. Suddenly I hear quick heavy footsteps getting closer to the door. He must be here now.

I wonder, do you approve of my choice? I know you’d approve no matter who it is as long as he treats me right, but it’s reassuring to know it’s someone we both know and trust so strongly. At first, I thought I had only been using him to overcome this obsession I have with your death but you’d do the same for me wouldn’t you, Himchan?

He stuck by me even when I yelled and hit him. He’d hold me like you held me, but it was far from comforting. I could only think about why it wasn’t you. He stuck by me all these two years, regardless of my ridiculous behaviour. I had abandoned everyone and it began to seem like they were going to give up on me, but not him, he calls every day to check on me, and if he sensed something was wrong, he’d rush right over. He saved me, Himchan, he saved me. All those times I contemplated suicide, all those times I was about to commit the act he would miraculously appear and stop me before I could take my own life.

He was devastated by your death along with the others, but he stayed strong. He said he stayed strong so he’d be able to protect me. I’m thankful for that. We stayed by each other’s side to cry, it really is hard to see a grown man cry like he did. Do you see how hard it has been on all of us?

He pushed the doorbell roughly and hurriedly as if his life depended on it, I could hear it. I wiped my tears away and realized I hadn’t even touched the food. I went to open the door to find him panting and holding the doorframe.

“I heard you yell, I was so scared!” he whispered harshly as he pulled me into a tight embrace. I rested my head on his shoulder, taking in his familiar scent. He and you always did share similar tastes – I guess in cologne too.

For a moment, I enjoy his warmth. I have been getting these chills recently, I can’t describe them.

“Jongup-ah, I’m fine.” I mumbled into his shoulder.

He hesitantly let go of me and took off his shoes, leaving them next to mine as he shut the door behind him. I offered him my plate of food. I really didn’t feel like eating at the moment.

I watched him eat, only to realize I had unconsciously been toying with the photo album’s smooth pages. He stopped and looked at me.

“Tell me about some of these pictures.” He asked curiously.

I gave him a weak smile and proceeded to tell him the countless stories that accompanied the photos in the album. Sometimes I would choke on my tears telling them, but he’d just take the end of his sleeve and dry my face.

He really is a sweetheart, and I am thankful for him every day as I was – and still am – thankful for you. He has slowly crept into my heart without even my own knowledge. I had only felt it when I realized he was genuinely immersed in the stories I told him. It just goes to show that he was attached to you as well. And though you still occupy most of my heart, I hope that he’ll be able to occupy it like you had. He’ll never replace you, but I want to feel again. I want to know what it’s like to feel for someone who cares. I can’t even muster up the words ‘I love you’ to my own brother.

I turn to a window as he washed his own plate – did you teach him to do that? I always did nag you about it. I bring my hands together, palm to palm, fingertips to fingertips. This always does remind me of our little games of pushing each other off the bed – though your hands were a lot bigger than mine. My eyes close and I begin to pray.  

I know you’re in heaven now, and I refused to believe anything of the sort before but now you’re gone and I’d like to believe you’re in a better place. But I’m selfish and I wish you weren’t in heaven where everything could be given to you – I want you to be here with me.

I miss you, I love you.