“You coming?” Siwon asked.

“Is he…coming?” Hae nervously asked. 

“Of course, we’re in the same group, Hae. He’d be there”

Hae just let out a deep sigh. Guess he has no choice.
“I thought you’re doing fine? You seem… happy these days.” Siwon added.
“I am, Siwon. I am happy. But I’m not really sure if I’m ready to see him again. I don’t want all these… emotions to come back.” Donghae answered as he is looking at the mirror fixing his tie, getting ready for the party.
“Do you want him back?”
“Of course not!” Donghae let out another sigh. “It’s not that Siwon. I am happy on my own now. But seeing him brings back memories. Seeing him reminds me of how we used to be and how we are now. It just… it just hurts. It still hurts.”
Siwon did not add anymore after that. There was just silence. He badly wants to just let Donghae be and not have him there. But he needs to be there. They have to be.

--

“Do I really have to be there?” Hyuk annoyingly asked.

“Are you not Super Junior anymore?” Kyu rolled his eyes on him.

“You know the reason why, Kyu” the other just looked at him.

“You can’t avoid him forever, hyung”

Hyuk just let out a sigh. Guess he can’t avoid him forever.

“I just don’t know what will happen if we see each other. I haven’t seen him since then.”

“Just… just be professional, hyung. It’s not like you can show everyone you’re hurting. I’m pretty sure he’s hurting more than you are now.” Kyu rolled his eyes on him

“Hey! Not because I was the one who ended it doesn’t mean I’m hurting less. It wasn’t easy for me too.”
“Wasn’t it?” Hyuk just rolled his eyes on the younger. He didn’t want to argue anymore. He knows he doesn’t have the right to. But he knows he has the right to be hurt as well.

I'm doing good, I'm on some new
Been saying "yes" instead of "no"
I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though

The party’s going well. It’s the wedding of one of their managers. The members are catching up as some of them has not seen each other for some time. They have their own schedules, and they are busy with their own projects.

Stealing glances from each other across the room.

Looking away once one of them catches the other.

In a crowded room they can still easily spot each other.

Curious how each other have been but scared for certain feelings to resurface. And curiosity won.

“Hey… how are you?” Hae hesitatingly asked.

“Good. I’m okay. I’m good” Hyuk smiled awkwardly. “You?”

Hae shrugged. “Fine, I guess. Still working out and doing outdoor activities. Trying new things” He smiled back.

There was an awkward silence. And in that short time, they were able to notice the physical changes of each other.

Like how Hae noticed Hyuk’s cheekbones were more visible, indicating that the other has lost some weight. And how Hyuk noticed Hae’s new haircut and little stubbles. Oh, how he missed kissing those little stubbles.

Silence was the loudest scream their hearts make.

There were many things they want to know, but both were too scared to ask. Words won’t just come out.

“I’ll just… go to the others. See you around, Hae.”

Hae tried his best to smile to show he’s fine.

Hyuk just decided to leave. Just like he did before.

I guess you never know, never know
And if you wanted me, you really should've showed
And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow
And it's alright now

*months before*

“I’m tired of hiding, Hae. I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t keep this up anymore. We can’t be like this forever.” They just finished their last shoot for their group schedule. They were on the way to Donghae’s place to rest.

“What do you mean?” Hae was puzzled. He thought they were okay. He thought they were doing just fine. “I thought— I thought we’re doing fine? Was it just me who’s thinking that way?” Hae added. They are walking near the building. There’s no one around as it’s already past midnight.

“You think this is easy for me? I love you, Hae. But we both know—”

“I never asked you to tell the world you love me. It was enough for me that just the two of us know. Was that still too much to ask?” They have already stopped walking and facing each other. Donghae kept swallowing just to keep himself from crying. He’s tired. They’re both tired and this is definitely not the conversation he wants right now.

“Nooo. No, Hae. It’s not that. It’s not you. It’s… it’s getting into my head. The constant hiding, always looking around making sure that no one is watching. I’m scared, Hae. I’m scared that if someday this gets out, we won’t have a career to come back to. I don’t want all our hard work to go to waste.” Donghae’s already biting the insides of his mouth cause he’s gonna lose it any minute now. It hurts how reality hits him. But it hurts more that it’s coming from the person he least expects to hear it from.

“Haven’t you seen our fans online? They love D&E. Didn’t it ever occur to you that they could just be waiting for us to come out? Don’t you believe that they love us enough for them to accept us?” Donghae looks into Hyuk’s eyes but the other can’t. Hyuk looks away as he can’t look at Hae’s eyes knowing he’ll just give in and just want to be in his arms.

“But what if they don’t, Hae? Not everyone is our fan. Not everyone will understand. Let’s not deny the truth. We both know the reality. Please don’t make this harder than it already is.” Hyuk’s biting his lips and looking up. He doesn’t want to break down in front of the other. He’s also breaking while he’s breaking the other’s heart.

“But… what about me? You promised you won’t leave me, right? You promised that you’ll hold on no matter what.” Tears are starting to pool in Donghae’s eyes. He can’t fight it anymore.
“I’m— I’m sorry, Hae.” Hyuk let go of Donghae’s hand, turned away and left.

But we were something, don't you think so?
Roaring 20s, tossing pennies in the pool

*years ago*

“Hae, I think you should stop telling me you love me on broadcasts, be it live or not.” Both were having ramen at Donghae’s place. They have finished their D&E schedule early and now hanging out.

“I love you.” Hyuk’s eyes widened at what Hae said. Hae has this playful smile on his face.

“Ha ha. Not funny. I told you to stop that. People might start believing that it’s true” Hyuk rolled his eyes at the other but his heart’s beating rapidly.

“It is. Since that day I met you in that cafeteria. I knew I fell for you.” Hyuk now has a confused expression on his face. “C’mon Hyuk, you can’t be that dense.” Donghae added.

“I thought you were just… you know. You were like that with everyone. You hug everyone. You kiss everyone. So, what makes it different with me?” that put a smile on Donghae’s face.

“Oh, so you do notice. You… watch me hug and kiss everyone else? Are you jealous? Hahaha”

“What? No! Why would I be—” Hyuk was cut off as Hae suddenly grabbed Hyuk’s face and kissed the other on the lips. It was short. But enough to shut the other up.

“That’s what makes you different. You’re the only one I will kiss on the lips” Hyuk was still frozen in shock while the other continued eating his ramen. Hyuk can feel his cheeks heating up and his heart beating faster.

“YA LEE DONGHAE!!”

“Aw!” Hyuk smacked Donghae’s arm. “What now?” Donghae faced the angry Lee Hyukjae. He wants to laugh so bad, but he might get another beating.

Hyuk pulled the other by his nape for another kiss. It was Donghae’s turn to be surprised. It was a bit longer than the previous one. Hyuk let go and left Donghae surprised. He continued eating his ramen.

“I can’t believe you’re that dense too to not realize I do have feelings for you too.” Hyuk was pouting to keep himself from smiling too much. That brought a smile on Donghae’s face.

“So… you’re mine now?” Donghae asked excitedly. Hyuk looked at the other looking grossed out. “Yeah yeah I’m yours, stop being so cheesy.” That just made Donghae laugh, and they just continued eating their ramen together

But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one

Weeks had passed since Hyuk walked out on him. They haven’t seen nor heard from each other. They didn’t have any schedule as they have just finished everything, and they are taking their break. They could have been spending their break together, but no.

Donghae decided to go to the dorm. One of them has to do at least something. And Hae doesn’t mind if it’s him. The other is too precious for him to just let him go.

Maybe he has calmed down already. I know he didn’t mean anything he said back then. I know he won’t leave. Donghae thought to himself as he let himself in at the dorm carrying tteokbokki that the other likes.

He pictures them eating tteokbokki while watching soccer or some movie they’ll pick. Like the way it was.

The dorm was quiet. Maybe all of them are in their rooms doing their own thing. He knocked at Hyuk’s bedroom door. He was all smiles; he missed the other and very much excited to see Hyuk.

“Just a minute!” he heard from the other side of the door. A few seconds later, the door opened, and Hyuk’s eyes widened, pretty obvious that he was surprised.

“Surprise!” Donghae was smiling, showing the food he brought.. “I missed you, Hyuk. And I’m hungry. Let’s eat.” Hae held Hyuk by the wrist and dragged him out of the room and into the kitchen. Hyuk was still in shock. He hasn’t said anything yet.

Hae made him sit in the dining table. “Sit there. I’ll just unpack the foods.”

“Okay” that’s all Hyuk said. Donghae can’t figure out his expression if the other is fine or not. He just thinks that he’s just surprised. The younger prepared the food while he’s telling stories to the other. Sharing what has happened in the past weeks. Where he has been to and the activities he did.

“You know I went ice hockey with some friends last night. It was really fun. Maybe we sh—”

“Donghae, why are you here?” Donghae was taken back by the other’s tone.

“W-what do you mean? I’m here to hang out with you. And I said that I missed you.” Donghae tried to continue unpacking the foods even though his hands are shaking. He heard Hyuk’s loud, deep sigh.

“Donghae, what if someone saw you coming here.” Donghae stopped what he was doing and faced the other who was still sitting at the table.

“No one saw me, okay? Is that really more important to you now?” Hyuk stood up and went to the kitchen to face Donghae. Hyuk looked like he wanted to say something but trying his best to be careful on what to tell the other.

He looked at Hae in the eye. “Hae, I know this is hard for you. It’s hard for me too. But… we can’t be selfish. I meant what I said back then, my decision is firm, and it hasn’t changed since then.” Hyuk has tried his best to say this in the calmest way without his voice breaking as he can feel his tears at the back of his throat.

Donghae was just standing there. He doesn’t want to believe what he’s hearing. He kept swallowing but the tears kept forming in his eyes. A tear fell but he quickly wiped it off. But Hyuk still saw it. It breaks his heart seeing him like this. The man that he loves. It hurts him that he’s the reason for those tears.

“So, what do you want me to do, Hyuk?” Donghae was looking down. But Hyuk can hear him sniffing. Hyuk was looking up. Biting his lips. He doesn’t want to cry.

“Please let me go, Hae.” Hae can’t fight his tears anymore. It kept falling and all he could do is look down. He doesn’t want to look at the other. No, he can’t. he can’t look him in the eye, knowing that this person in front of him, the man who promised to never leave, is now asking him to let go.

Donghae held the other’s hand. He looked him in the eyes. Trying his best to suppress his tears that kept falling. “Can’t we.. can’t we just go back to the way we were before? I promise to be very careful. I’ll do anything you want. It’s fine if we don’t see each other for a while. I’d be fine with video calls and chats. Just don’t… please Hyuk. Please don’t do this.” Hyuk can’t fight the tears anymore. He badly wants to hug the other and just forget about the world. What if Donghae was right? But what if he wasn’t? He can’t risk everything both of them have worked for.

“Hae… please. Just let me go.” Donghae can see it in his eyes. He can feel that the other has really decided to let go of them. Donghae smiled. “Okay.” He lifted Hyuk’s hand to his face and kissed them before he let them go. Hyuk just let him.

Donghae held the other’s face and pulled him for a kiss. He pressed his lips against the other. One last sweet kiss before he leaves. Hyuk can’t stop himself anymore and hugged the other while they deepened the kiss. They could taste their salty tears still falling from their eyes. Donghae stopped kissing the other as he might not be able to stop himself anymore. He pressed his forehead against the other. Hyuk was still hugging his waist. Both of their eyes are closed. He doesn’t want to let go and just be in that moment forever. But hearing Hyukjae begging him to let him go made him realize that maybe it really is for the best. He’d do anything to make Hyuk happy. And if that’s letting him go, then he would. Even if it breaks him.

“Goodbye, my Hyukjae.”

Donghae let him go. He removed Hyuk’s arms around him. He can’t look at him anymore. He walked out of the kitchen, the dorm. He walked out of his life.

Hyuk was left there with his head down. Crying.

I, I, I persist and resist the temptation to ask you
If one thing had been different
Would everything be different today?

*present*

It’s already the after party and most of the guests went home. Just a few family and close friends are left at the venue. All members are seated at one table having different conversations, catching up with each ot