Ch. 4: S I L E N T C O N F E S S I O N

It's those goddamn roses.

Chaeyoung curses internally. Mina came home 6pm today holding a bouquet of roses on her hand, smiling proudly as she showed everyone. Her eyes twinkled in happiness.

"It's from bambam," the woman says.

Sana, Momo and Jihyo squealed as they move towards Mina looking at the flower given to her.

"He's so sweet!" Sana says smiling.

Chaeyoung could only smile fakely as she quickly pretending to be busy doing something. She wanted to hide quickly- - she wanted to break down but she couldn't.

"I'm so envious, I wonder when I can get something like that," Dahyun says to Chaeyoung, "Our unnies are lucky,"

"Giving flowers is not practical," Chaeyoung found herself saying it with malice and regrets it instantly. Mina looked at Chaeyoung with eyes a bit disappointed and it made her feel a bit guilty. She felt like the ground should just swallow her whole.

Jeongyeon coughed awkwardly.

"Chaeyoung's kidding," Nayeon suddenly says, "I totally get her, I mean it would be more practical if he just-BROUGHT BURGERS FOR US."

Mina chuckled, " unnie, you're so greedy!"

Chaeyoung sighs in relief as she looked at Nayeon. Nayeon is more perceptive than she let others know, and moments like these made Chaeyoung especially thankful.

"yeah yeah she's right, if he wants our approval, should've bought pizza or burgers for us," Jeongyeon laughed.

"or jokbal," Momo says.

"that's too much don't you think?" Tzuyu says, "Unnies are all gluttons, ya'll hungry all the time,"

"I'm still growing you know, I need my nutrients," Nayeon says.

"Unnie your growing spurt stopped a long time ago," Chaeyoung says.

"well atleast my growing spurt existed!" Nayeon says teasing Chaeyoung. Everyones laughs as Jeongyeon patted her head.

That moment passed and Chaeyoung felt thankful that it ended without exposing her jealous tantrums. Hell, It was too much to take. That brief moment when Mina looked at her with disappointed- made her agree why letting mina know her feelings wouldn't be an option.

Mina would be disgusted. And she doesn't know how she would ever be able to cope with that. She was just glad that day ended.

But the pain didn't.

Days just came worst and worst.

Mina's absence in the dorms became apparent. Mina looking at her phone, smiling on every dinner table. Mina slipping away right before Chaeyoung's eyes.

Chaeyoung often finds herself everynight with thing dull pain on her chest- so close to breaking down. So close to confessing- but she always close and let the love she harbors hid on the cardigan she always wears.

This particular 'supposed-to-be-a-relaxing' Thursday night was the worst of it all, when Mina returned home, all smiley, holding two boxes of pizza. As requested, Bambam brought them 2 boxes of pizza's to eat.

And not only that, Bambam came with the pizza- with Mina. Chaeyoung cursed inside telling how the ground should split open now and swallow her whole. She wants to disappear again.

"bambam!!" Sana grins, "you bought us food!!!"

"of course, " Bambam smiles, "nothing less for the nation's girl group,"

"you know your lines, huh?" Momo teased.

"Chaeyoung," Bambam smiles, "Nice to see you again after a long time,"

Chaeyoung stopped and tried to smile, "Y-yeah, glad to see you too,"

I hate you. Chaeyoung wanted to say. Don't come here again.

But Bambam is just too perfect. He was nice, attentive to Mina's friends and he was polite in a way that is not awkward. He is handsome, kind and a gentleman.

She couldn't really hate him.

Maybe she does, but it's because he effortlessly have that one thing Chaeyoung wanted the most.

Everyone is busy chattering with Bambam, Chaeyoung just awkwardly nods or laughs when someone talks. She wants to walk out, to just hide away but she can't. The world shouldn't have let her see Mina's eyes shining as she looked at her first love, how her head rests on his shoulders.

The world shouldn't have let her see the members being so excited for this new relationship. This scene right now in front of her eyes, reminded her of the foreseeing future she doesn't like-

Bambam and Mina is working it out once again, and the day would come that they'll be official. She starts feeling stupid for being so in love- and being so hopeless at the same time.

Mina then caught Chaeyoung's eyes for a second. She smiled at her, softly.

She bit her lip, took a deep sharp breath.

"I'm just going out,"

Chaeyoung finally stood up until she can't take it anymore.

"Where are you going chaeng?" Sana asks, concerned.

Chaeyoung looked down and tried to hide this feeling of almost breaking down into pieces. She glanced at Mina and looked again at Sana, "I-I'm getting ice cream, I'm craving strawberry flavored snacks,"

No one stopped her, maybe someone did but she didn't hear it because she almost runs away from the dorm. She found herself walking in the streets, grasping on the jacket she's wearing. She ran and only stopped when she's in front of the nearest convenience store. She fixed herself, covering her head with the hood, looked for her favorite flavor-only one remaining.

Then suddenly two hands are grabbing the ice cream. She looked on her left to see a woman grabbing the same ice cream. She's not really in a good mood right now.

"Can I have this?" The woman asks nicely.

BUT Chaeyoung couldn't take this frustration anymore. Maybe she's so tired of letting someone have the things she wants.

"No," Chaeyoung says in a slightly irritated tone, "I saw it first, It's mine."

"I have a niece and she's crying, It would really help me if you let me have this one," The woman says again.

Chaeyoung bit her lip, "No I-I'm sick of tired of ya'll walking around and expecting me hand over whatever you want- You know, you just can't expect me to be kind all the time. I want this just as your niece do-I want her just as he does, goddamn, why do I-"

To chaeyoung's horror, she couldn't believe what she just had said to a total stranger over a strawberry-flavoured melona ice cream.

The woman looked at her, eye widened.

"Sorry, you take it." Chaeyoung groans as she walked out of the convenience store and sat down on the table and chair outside the convenience store.

After a few seconds, the woman passed by her holding a plastic bag. Chaeyoung groans internally wondering why she ever did say that.

"Ma'm," Chaeyoung looked up to see the convenience store employee giving her a melona strawberry flavored ice cream, "the lady earlier told me to give it to you,"

Chaeyoung stopped and looked at the woman already too far away. She took the ice cream and smiles. The employee went back inside as Chaeyoung still sit outside, opening the ice cream.

She smiles, softly. Receiving this kindness from a stranger really helped her that as she starts to eat the ice cream, small tears came running down her cheeks. She breathes deeply.

She doesn't know why,

But the sweetness, the cold of the ice cream suddenly made her cry. This frustration she had been holding back this past few weeks made her cold, unfeeling but still hurting.

Back to the dorm, where Mina's unkind eyes looked at her when she shows her jealousy, or where the members excitedly talks about bambam, unaware of hurting her with every bit of it.

Everything feels so stupid.

So messy.

Chaeyoung never felt jealousy before- she admired those who have what she didn't and strive to better herself. She focus on what she have rather than what she doesn't.

But this love. This love taught her how jealousy pushed you to the edge of your patience. How jealousy makes you feel stupid, and so inadequate.

Jealousy taught her the pain of giving up on someone you really want, you really love.

Chaeyoung ate the strawberry ice cream, still.

Tears streaming on her eyes, breaking down.

Sweet and cold.

Like her first love.

//

It's one of those nights when Chaeyoung couldn't sleep and maybe wants to have a sip of beer beside her. With every twist and turn, her sleep seems even further away.

She could only feel restlessness and an aching dull pain inside her chest. She didn't mean to fall in love with Mina but she did anyway, and it only made her feel so stupid for still loving her.

She turned to her left, she sighs deeply. Chaeyoung just thinks and thinks- she couldn't stop. She couldn't stop replaying Mina's smile on those goddamn roses or the way she twirls up showing her skirt saying she will go on a date with Bambam.

She loves Mina, and now that it hurt this bad- Chaeyoung knows that she had fallen so deep she can't even crawl her way-up anymore.

Mina's smile wasn't for her only-

Bambam is Mina's first love, first everything. The love that Mina found so perfect before that she wanted to recreate-

Nothing that Chaeyoung can do could ever make Mina look at her and it only made Chaeyoung sleepless.

This love is so sweet- yet so painful.

Chaeyoung couldn't take it anymore; she just finally stood up and decided to get some fresh air outside the room. She took on her favourite hoodie and opened the door, when she arrived on the living area, she then saw a familiar person sitting on the living room.

The worst person to see now- the source of her heartbreak, Mina.

"Chaeyoungie," Mina smiles, "Can't sleep too?"

"uh, yeah." Chaeyoung answers, voice lower than normal. She looked away.

"Oh, just perfect, why don't you sit beside me for now?" Mina says smiling.

Chaeyoung couldn't let herself reject the offer. Despite being so hurt, all this time, she couldn't stay cold to this woman. She hated herself for being so soft for her.

"you hungry unnie?" Chaeyoung asked, "If you want I can cook some midnight snack,"

"No I'm not," Mina says, "I just couldn't sleep,"

"Why though?"

"How about you why can't you sleep?" Mina asked dodging the question.

Chaeyoung bit her lip, "Dahyun's snore is too loud."

Mina laughed and Chaeyoung couldn't help but smile on how wonderful it sounded. She haven't it heart leately, well- she did, but not directed at her.

"Chaeng chaeng," Mina giggled poking her fingers on chaeyoung's dimples showing as she smiles, "so cute."

"you're the cute one Mina.," Chaeyoung smiles softly. Mina stopped and chaeyoung could have sworn the older woman blushed.

"hearing you calling me Mina makes me feel a bit embarrassed," Mina says still blushing, "Maybe I'm not used to it? I always hear you say 'mina-unnie'"

Chaeyoung frowns a bit, "you don't like it?"

Mina shook her head, "I do.. It's just, I don't know how to explain it!"

"Okay," Chaeyoung says, "But I like calling your name,"

Mina stops and says in a softer voice, "okay call me that when we're the only two around,"

Chaeyoung smiles as she stared at Mina. For Chaeyoung, the world feels like it stopped.

"I can't sleep, maybe you singing to me would help?" Mina says as she suddenly laid her head in Chaeyoung's shoulder and Chaeyoung felt like she almost forgot to breathe. She bit her lip and hums.

"Tonight I'll send a glow of a firefly to somewhere near your window, " Chaeyoung starts singing IU's through the night.

"It's that.. I love you."

Mina smiles at Chaeyoung's voice. Soft and loving at the younger caresses her hair as she laid on her lap. She remembered IU saying she had insomnia before and she wrote this song to help her fans sleep, because for her, it is also love when you let the person have a peaceful night sleep.

Mina doesn't know why but this thought brings her peace. Chaeyoung's the only one who can do this- who makes her feel like there's a warmth inside her chest that grows every single day.

"I remember our first kiss,

I close my eyes whenever I can,

And go to the farthest place,

Just like the letters on the sand

Where the waves were,"

Chaeyoung stares at Mina and feels like the world is now just their tonight to have. That there is no someone called bambam, no judgemental people, no one. Just them. And maybe, right now, she can delude herself into thinking that Mina is just hers to have.

I feel like you'll disappear to a far off place,

I always miss you.. miss you,

All the words in my heart,

I can't show them all to you,

But, It's that I love you."

Chaeyoung ended the song and looked at Mina who's already sleeping on her lap. She stopped singing and smiles at the latter.

This precious girl she's so in love with. This moment right is only for the two of them- and days will pass by again with her heartbreaking into pieces, but there's no way she could stop loving her.

'Just this once,' Chaeyoung whispers.

She looked down and planted a small kiss on the sleeping woman's face. The kiss was brief but it was so precious- so sweet.

Chaeyoung pulled away and sighs. She bit her lip as felt her heart aching for yearning, for wanting, for loving. Who would have thought you could love someone this much?

"I love you." Chaeyoung softly whispers and tears came falling.

It was a confession Mina wouldn't hear.

//

ANOTHER UPDATE!! HOPE YOU LIKE IT~

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