You stare at those words, trying to keep yourself from becoming lachrymose. Now isn’t the time to act like this. It isn’t. How long has it been? Days? Are you so fickle that you’ll break down now? The easy answer would be yes. But you don’t want to cry. You hate crying. Crying makes you feel vulnerable, and vulnerability makes you feel like you don’t have a handle of things. You’d rather not feel that right now, especially after such a good day.

Allowing the letter flutter to the ground, you walk over to your bed and bury yourself in the comfort of Daehyun’s blanket. Maybe, for a little while, you can escape reality by sleeping.

——-

You step out of your house the next morning feeling numb. You’re half awake, and to be honest, you have a lack of awareness. Everything the teachers will tell you at school will probably go right over your head. 

You don’t want to face Daehyun. You’re sure that he’ll ask you what’s wrong once he sees the look on your face, an expression you’re unable to hide. You’d rather walk to school without him, and try to evade his questions later. After checking the street to see if he’ll come out of his house any time soon, you rush out of your home and head to your school alone.

Once there, the calculated stares are even more prominent than before. News gets around fast in a community like this. They must know that your dad isn’t planning to return, and while a handful of people probably sympathize with you, the others must be mocking your current state. There’s nothing envious about being abandoned.

It’s expected when, after eating lunch alone for the second time, those boys from yesterday approach you with their sneering faces and scornful eyes. Their leader steps up to approach you, obviously pleased with the upper-hand he’s achieved without having even tried. 

“I heard your dad left you,” he says so blatantly. He smiles cruelly. You look away, not wanting your calm facade to burst because of his jeers. 

“That’s nice,” you reply blandly, making a move to walk away, but he stops you.

“Don’t walk away from me,” he grits through his teeth. 

“Can’t you just leave me alone?” You shout, annoyed and frustrated. “Will this really get you anywhere? Don’t you have anything better to do?”

He stares at you for a moment, as if he just can’t understand why you’re so stupid. “This is karma,” he spits out. “I’m sure you know you had it coming.” He turns back to his buddies, suddenly bored. “You’re not a queen anymore. So stop acting like one.” With that, he walks away, leaving you to shake in his wake at his insulting choice of words. Shuddering a little, you turn back to your locker and slam the door closed.

You manage to avoid any other mishaps after school. You even escape your classes without meeting Daehyun at all, although you know he’s been looking for you since you’ve overheard some people talking about it. It makes you feel wanted, but right now you don’t want to acknowledge that feeling. Maybe it’s selfish to think this, but you want to shut yourself up in your room and wallow in self-pity. That boy is probably right. Perhaps you’re getting exactly what you deserve.

As soon as you arrive home in your dazed state, however, your plans are interrupted by Daehyun, who stands in front of your door with a stern look on his face. You freeze, staring at him, pleading him quietly to leave, but he doesn’t move a muscle. 

“You left early today,” he comments, taking a step toward you. His gaze is incomprehensible. You can’t predict what he might do.

“I had stuff to do,” you answer vaguely, trying to dupe him even though you know it’s futile.

He watches you, searching your eyes for answers, and his head with a concerned face. “You don’t have to hide things from me, you know.”

You look away. His words are threatening to induce some tears, and you don’t want that. You don’t want to cry; not now. “It’s nothing.”

“Don’t say that,” he quarrels, aggravated. “It’s not ‘nothing’. If it was nothing, you’d be smiling, wouldn’t you? That’s what you’d be doing. But you’re not. Something happened. I heard it. People talked about it at school today.”

“So why are you asking me?” You question him, confused and hurt. If he knows so much, then why does he bother pestering you like this? Doesn’t he know you’d rather be left alone? You look away, for fear that you might weep in his presence. He keeps you in silence for a bit longer before coming up with his response.

“It’s okay to cry,” he informs you quietly. You stare at him, bewildered and hesitant to admit your helplessness. His kind words are piercing your wall, tearing it down piece by piece, and you fear that you don’t have any strength left to keep it intact.

“I hate crying,” you stutter, feeling as the first wave of tears racks your body. “I hate it,” you confess, staring at the ground. “It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I can’t do anything, that I didn’t have it in me to keep it together. I hate, it okay? I hate it.” And before you know it, those salty tears fall down your face, wetting your cheeks and overcoming you with their sadness. You can’t take it anymore. Not the teasing, or reality, or even kindness. It’s killing you. It’s all killing you inside.

Daehyun stands there, watching you cry, letting you pour out your feelings as your body shakes with each sob, forcing you to change into a person who is made up of only tears, and tears, and more tears. You don’t want to do this. Not in front of Daehyun, of all people. But you can’t seem to stop. Maybe it’s the way he’s looking at you, with that concerned look, or maybe it’s simply because he’s there, waiting and listening. 

After a while you manage to control your feelings, reigning it in as you take a deep breath. Daehyun takes this chance to quietly ask, “Why didn’t you tell me?” He stares at you, pain written on his face. “Why don’t you want me to worry about you?”

It’s these words that make you raise your head to look at him. You repeat the words you had heard this morning, convinced that it’s the truth. “Because I had it coming. Karma, right?” You sniffle and swallow down your pride.

He lets the quiet stretch for a bit as he watches  you with his rich brown eyes. Suddenly he speaks up, saying the words you had least expected. “Come here.”

You blink. “What?”

“Come here,” he repeats simply, his tone rough. You stare at him.  Can’t he tell you don’t want to do anything right now? Before you can respond, he crosses the distance between you two and pulls you into an embrace, cradling your head against his chest and resting his chin on your head. He your hair gently, an action that whispers about better days. You can’t help but cry freely now, his cordial actions forcing you to weep about the indescribable feelings turning inside of you. After he lets you release everything, he pulls back, looking at you with a considering gaze as he smiles, the first forlorn smile you’ve ever seen from him, and says, “Stop crying.”

“What?” You ask him, befuddled. You can’t help but laugh a little. “I thought you said … it was okay to cry.”

“I did.” He reaches over to wipe a tear from your face, his voice laced with emotion. “But I never said I wanted to see you look so sad. So stop, okay? Just smile. Please.” And with that he wraps you in his arms again, burying you in the safety of his presence, and you willingly relax against him this time. Right now, at this moment, it feels like the best - and only - thing you can do.