"I am going to sing an original song. Please listen to it well."

 

The evaluators nod their heads before gesturing for me to start. Why do I even bother? What's the use of letting them hear all of my songs when they won't even consider forwarding it to JYP? 

 

With each strum, with each lyric, my voice got softer and softer. It's supposed to be a cheerful song. It's supposed to fit the image of this company. It's supposed to sound like JYP's. This is not it. I'm going to fail this evaluation.

 

Try again. Be brighter this time. I can do this. I can do this. This is my song. This is my-

 

"Stop. You're free to go."

 

"Excuse me?"

 

"You're done. You sound horrible." One of them said. "You'll need an extra hour of vocal practice tomorrow."

 

But I wasn't even done yet.

 

Slowly packing my guitar, I saw Changbin flash me a worried look before stepping in front of the camera.

 

I'm fine.

 

Giving him a thumbs up, I sling the guitar on my back and left the room. I jog down the lobby where Jimin inconveniently bumped into me.

 

"Where are you going?"

 

"Home." I replied making sure to keep my voice calm.

 

"You're done with evaluations already?"

 

"Yeah. I went first and I need to get home." No. I need to get out of here.

 

"Why? Did something happened?"

 

No. Nothing happened. Since when are you this nosy, Jimin?

 

"I have a report this Monday, right? I have to finish that and Jisung kind of booked my tomorrow so I have no other time to do it."

 

"Okay then." Jimin steps aside with an etched brow, voice painted with hesitation. "Just call me if you need anything, I guess."

 

Jimin's catching up. I can't let that happen. Grandma will know something's wrong and she doesn't need the additional worries. 

 

No.

 

No. Nothing's wrong. Everything is in the right place and nothing is amiss. That's right.

 

The cold air brushes against my cheek as my feet lead the way. They didn't even listened to my song. How am I going to be a producer if I can't even make people listen to what I make?

 

Music slowly fills my ears as the crowd thickens. Looking up, I saw another band the market's entrance. People are clapping on beat or swaying in tune with the melody, either way smiling and enjoying the music. Must be nice to have someone listen to you.

 

Entering the market,  I hop towards grandma's booth where I find her talking to her neighbor, Aunt Misook. Ducking, I slowly went behind her and sling my arm on her shoulder. I feel her muscles jump and my lips couldn't contain my laughter.

 

"This rascal." She sighs, repeatedly hitting my back. "You almost gave me a heart attack.

 

"Okay. Okay! I'm sorry."

 

She clicks her tongue before turning back to her conversation with Aunt Misook. That hurts. Rubbing my arm, I take grandma's seat and watch as people go. I should've bought snacks before coming here. Sighing, a melody escapes my nose as my fingers tap itself against my cheek.

 

"Excuse me. How much for the tofu?" I was suddenly pulled back into reality when Chan's face filled my view.

 

"Huh?"

 

"How much is the tofu?" He gestures towards the food in his hand.

 

Shaking my nerves away, I stand up and wipe my hands against my shirt. "That's... That's uhm..."

 

"Oh! My Chan is here." Grandma beams before I embarrass myself further. "What are you doing here?"

 

Another sigh escapes my lips as I watch them make googly eyes on each other. My eyes landed on the tofu still in his outstretched hand. Reaching over, he easily gives it to me and carried on talking with grandma. Such a great actor. I'm thankful, anyway. Grandma won't ask me anything unless I  make a fool of myself.

 

Bagging the tofu, my eyes caught Jisung sneaking behind grandma. I swear, if she hugs that kid like he just came home from Malaysia, I am convinced I'm not her real grandchild. Not a second later, Jisung's voice echoes through the open space making grandma jump. Turning around, her expression changes before enveloping Jisung in a tight hug. 

 

They all talked for a while before Ryujin came in with her dad, looking for a vegetable her mom was craving. I bagged it, waved them goodbye until Chan came inside the booth with skewered rice cakes.

 

"I prefer it spicy, you know?" I told him, taking one.

 

"I don't like it spicy, you know?" He says as he hides his hands in his pockets. "Let's talk."

 

"What?"

 

"Can we talk?"

 

I glance at grandma laughing beside Jisung who is bagging a customer's purchase. When did Woojin get here?

 

"Sure." I nodded and followed him out. "Grandma, I'll walk with Chan around for a bit. Woojin, please watch over them."

 

"Don't worry." Woojin waves us off. "I'll be here."

 

"I'm not a kid, you know. I can take care of grandma and myself just alright." I can hear Jisung pout behind me.

 

Walking behind Chan, I stare at his back. What does he want to talk about? Is he going to end our friendship? Will he tell me to leave once and for all? I don't want to leave like this.

 

We walked past booths until we arrived back at the entrance, the band now taking a break, and the air is filled with little noises people make. The air becomes colder and the sky is now painted with subtle hues of pink and violet. Chan hands me a bottle of soda before settling down on one of the benches. Silence surrounds us as I wait for him to say something.

 

Wait? Should I be the one to say something? What should I say, then? Do I apologize? Apologize for what exactly? For wanting to leave? Why would I do that? It's not like I was lying or -

 

"Will you really leave?" He finally breaks the silence.

 

"I want to."

 

"Please don't."

 

Surpisingly, I knew he'd say that. I knew he'd ask me to stay. I knew Chaeryoung would say it. I knew Somi would say it. The junior trainees - the people around me. I knew. So why can't I just stay? Why does my heart yearns to leave?

 

"I don't have the same dreams as the people around me, Chan. You put everything in whatever you do - the other kids, too. While I... I'm standing there hesitating every move I make. I don't belong here. It's unfair for the lot of you if I continue being a part of a battle where everyone around me fights with their life while I do it half-heartedly."

 

"How long have you been thinking like that?" He asks after a minute of silence.

 

"For quite a while."

 

"Chaeyeon came to the company earlier. She wanted to talk to you too but you already left. She kind of found out that we fought."

 

Of course she would. She's the eldest of her siblings. It comes with the job. "Did she guessed why?"

 

"Almost." Chan nods before staring at the sky. "She told me to tell you not leave."

 

There it is.

 

Even the ones who left don't want me to leave. How cruel can they be? They're allowed to do whatever they want and I'm not? Scoffing, I leaned back and watch people pass by.

 

"I mean, I don't blame you. I've been here for around 6 years already and I don't even know if I'm going to debut or not. I don't even know if this is all worth it. But mom and dad let me come here on my own and pursuse whatever I wanted and that keeps me going. Grandma's the reason why you came to JYP, right?"

 

"You already know how I feel about that." I laugh.

 

"Oh, right. Sorry. Either way, it would be nice if you'd stay." He sighs. "You know, let's debut together. Let's stand on that stage together with the others."

 

I rolled my eyes at his promise. This kid, really. He's probably tired of hearing my dreams of becoming a producer, not an idol, and he forgets it? He laughs as he throws his head back. 

 

That's nice to hear.

 

"Okay, sorry." He tries again. "It'd be nice to perform one of your songs one day. Which reminds me of your evaluation earlier."

 

"You were watching?!"

 

"That was horrible."