(warning for discussion of homophobic parent(s))

히스토리

Yijeong wakes up too early the next morning in Kyungil’s arms and he almost tears up from the bittersweet emotions mixing inside of him. He was convinced he’d have to give this up in order to follow his dreams, but the longer he got away with having both, the more anxious he felt about getting caught and losing his dream and Kyungil in one fell swoop. It didn't use to be a chance he was willing to take, but that's changed. He manages to keep his emotions at bay and falls back asleep after a short struggle.

The next time he wakes up, Kyungil’s gone and it’s a much more reasonable time to get up. He takes his time, taming his bedhead and picking through Kyungil’s dresser drawers before changing into his clothes and walking out to the living room.

Kyungil hears the bedroom door open and looks up at him from the kitchen. “What?” Yijeong says innocently as Kyungil’s eyes rove over him. “You’re wearing my clothes.” Yijeong scoffs. “Yeah. Is that a problem?” Kyungil walks toward him slowly, a glint in his eye. “I want to take them all off of you.” Yijeong rolls his eyes and cross his arms protectively. “Well, if you didn’t want me wearing your clothes, you shouldn’t have popped all the buttons off of mine,” he reminds him. Kyungil stops a few inches from his face, shaking his head slightly. “I definitely don’t mean that the way you’re thinking.” Realization washes over Yijeong quickly as Kyungil leans down to kiss him enthusiastically. “I should’ve done this a long time ago,” Yijeong mutters against Kyungil’s lips.

After a brief make-out session, Yijeong’s stomach starts to growl from hunger so they end up eating breakfast on the couch and watching a morning show, and it kind of makes Yijeong feel weird because it’s too damn normal. “Can I ask you something?” Kyungil requests, sipping slowly at his coffee and ignoring his plate of food. “Of course.”

“Remember when you told me your last boyfriend almost ruined your life?” Yijeong nods, recalling their conversation the first time he visited this apartment. It feels like a lifetime ago, if he’s being honest. They’ve come so far since then, in both good and bad ways. “What exactly did you mean by that?”

“It’s a long story, but basically we dated for like four months. Nobody knew about it, we kept it hidden because... you know. Anyway, when we broke up, he was really angry about it and he wanted... I don’t know... revenge, I guess.” Kyungil’s expression changes and he furrows his brow tightly. “Did he hurt you?” Yijeong shakes his head. “No, nothing like that. Not his style, because his style turned out to be... outing me to my dad.”

“I’m guessing he didn’t take it well.” Kyungil’s expression changes again, this time a look of pity spreading across his features. Yijeong can’t take it so he turns away from him and looks down into his coffee mug. “He didn’t hurt me either, if that’s what you’re thinking, but he did tell me to leave. The ‘don’t come back’ was implied. I haven’t actually talked to him since. I still see my mom pretty regularly but my dad... kind of erased me, I guess? I have a couple of siblings so it’s probably not much of a loss for him.”

“That’s... I’m so sorry.” Yijeong shakes his head. “No, it’s just... my dad was against my career choice, that’s why I started training so late. I figured, if he was going to ignore my existence then I should at least follow my dreams. Even just to piss him off.” Yijeong takes a sip of his coffee and Kyungil reaches out to hold his hand. “But I guess my ex kind of did me a favor, you know?” Kyungil’s confusion is evident as Yijeong smiles softly. “If he hadn’t done it, I would have never become a trainee and I never would have met you. You would have been a hot dance teacher and I would have been an awkward part timer and you wouldn’t have even noticed me.”

“Or maybe not,” Kyungil counters strongly, setting his coffee down. “What do you mean?” Kyungil turns to him, still holding one of his hands. “Look, it’s not like I believe in fate or destiny or whatever but... I still think we would have met. Maybe through one of our friends. Maybe we would have ridden the same train to work. Maybe someone would have set us up for a blind date or maybe you would’ve signed up for dance lessons.” Yijeong laughs gleefully. “Okay, that one never would have happened.” Kyungil pouts, defeated. “Fine. Whatever. All I’m saying is... no, I wouldn’t have asked you for your number at first sight, but that doesn’t mean that we wouldn’t have gotten to know each other. It doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have...”

“Hooked up?” Yijeong supplies and Kyungil’s frown deepens. “Do you really still think that’s all this is?” Yijeong shrugs. “I don’t know. Kind of?” Kyungil lets go of his hand and turns away from him. “I even made you breakfast. What a waste.” Yijeong chuckles and Kyungil crosses his arms. “You are the most pouty twenty-seven-year-old I’ve ever met.”

“You’re mean.” Kyungil unfolds his arms and puts them around Yijeong loosely. “Thank you. For telling me.”

“You know,” Yijeong begins, “I have an apartment all to myself now. You should come over and see it sometime.” Kyungil’s expression changes slightly, his smile fading. “Don’t you think that would look suspicious?” Yijeong shakes his head. “No one’s really following me around yet anyway. Besides, what are they gonna think? I’m allowed to have a friend over during my free time.”

“What about the company? Your manager? Someone’s bound to get suspicious.” Yijeong shakes Kyungil’s arms from his shoulders abruptly. “So what? It’s not like we’re breaking the law. There’s nothing in my contract about dating because they know that’s where all good songs come from. We aren’t doing anything wrong. I know we can’t be totally obvious about it, but we don’t have to totally sneak around either.”

“I don’t want to jeopardize your career, okay? I know how hard you’ve worked, I know how much you’ve given up and I tried. I tried to stay away from you but I guess I’m just too goddamn selfish.” He stands up angrily and carries their dirty mugs to the sink. Yijeong waits for a moment before following him into the kitchen. He watches as he washes the dishes in the sink, standing a few feet away from him, his elbows resting on the island.

“I’m the selfish one, okay? But I want a relationship with you and my career. I want both,” he tells him firmly. “You can have both, so why can’t I?“ Kyungil sighs, rinsing off a plate and placing it on the drying rack. “That’s different and you know it.” He turns the water off and returns to scrubbing dishes before adding, “Do you even realize how risky a relationship would be for you? Besides, it’s not like calling you my boyfriend changes anything. We still can’t date in public and we still can’t be a normal couple. You can call this whatever you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that we still have to sneak around and lie and go weeks without seeing each other.” Yijeong nods slowly. “I know. I know, you’re right. But I don’t want things to change.”

“You don’t?” Kyungil asks, eyebrows raising in confusion. “No. I just want be your boyfriend.” He thought it was obvious, but somehow Kyungil seems caught off guard, his mouth slightly open. “Oh,” he says after a few seconds of silence. “Is it really that surprising?” Yijeong looks away from him because he feels like he’s done something wrong, like he’s been misreading this entire situation. “If you wanted me to call you my boyfriend, you should’ve just asked.”

“I’m asking now,” he points out. “I’m older than you, you know. I’m supposed to take care of you, not make things harder.” Yijeong sighs softly. “What’s hard is not getting to be with you. I can’t give you up either. I know it’s not the safest move, but I don’t care. If I don’t get to be with you, then what’s the point?” Kyungil turns around slowly, drying his hands with a dish towel. “As long as we keep our hands off each other in public, no one is going to think we’re together. Even if they do, it’ll just be a rumor and everyone will move on as soon as the next scandal breaks.”

“Are you sure you can keep your hands off me?” Kyungil asks, his tone finally brightening. “I mean it won’t be easy, that’s for sure.” Kyungil moves closer to him. “If you don’t want to come to my place, you don’t have to. I don’t want to stress you out.”

“I want to, just... give me some time to sort all of this out, okay?” Yijeong nods in agreement. “No takebacks,” he says stubbornly, reaching out to hold Kyungil’s hands. “What do you mean?” Yijeong grins widely. “You said I’m your boyfriend now, so no takebacks.” Kyungil chuckles and shakes his head. “Stubborn and childish. I don’t even know what I see in you,” he jokes and Yijeong hits his arm playfully. “Whatever. We both know you like that about me.” Yijeong’s not sure if he agrees or if he’s just given up on arguing for now, but he doesn’t really care as Kyungil leans down to kiss him and wraps him in his arms.

히스토리

Yijeong keeps getting busier and busier and sleeping less and less. It almost feels like he’s in a long-distance relationship because he only gets to see Kyungil once or twice a month. It’s definitely taking a toll on him. He just wants a vacation, but those are increasingly hard to come by. He can’t risk everyone forgetting about him; he’s finally building up a public image. He’s even been on a couple of talk shows.

When he does manage to spend a night with Kyungil, he can’t really focus because he can only think about practicing and his upcoming schedules. Today, it’s his new choreography. He just can’t stop worrying about it, so when Kyungil leaves the room to take a shower, he watches the videos of himself practicing over and over again, trying to figure out what he’s missing, why it just isn’t working.

When Kyungil comes out of the bathroom, Yijeong startles and turns off his phone. Kyungil smirks as he walks toward the couch. “What are you watching without me? Anything good?” Yijeong shakes his head. “It’s nothing,” he says defensively. “Then why are you hiding it from me?” Kyungil sits down next to him and Yijeong sighs.

“It’s a practice video of my new choreography. I’m just trying to figure out how to fix it, but I know I shouldn’t be wasting our time together working.” Kyungil crosses his arms loosely. “Why didn’t you ask me for help? Is it too complicated for me?” Yijeong’s pretty sure he’s joking, but something about his tone feels too real. “No, I just... I didn’t want you to feel like I was bragging because I debuted and you...”

“Quit?” Kyungil finishes harshly. “I didn’t want to hurt you.” Kyungil uncrosses his arms and ruffles Yijeong’s hair. “Do you still think I’m that sensitive? I like my life, I like what I’m doing and I’m happy for you. I want to help you, if you want me to.” Yijeong nods eagerly. “I do. I want your help.” He turns the video back on and hands his phone to Kyungil. He watches it closely, rewinding a few times to take a closer look.

“Well, the moves looks good... but the expressions could use some work. It’s a really... different concept for you.” Yijeong nods. “It’s a cutesy love song and I at it.” Kyungil chuckles. “You just need some practice.” Yijeong gets up from the couch and demonstrates parts of the choreo as Kyungil points out the weak spots. “You’re supposed to make your fans feel like you’re singing it to them, like you’re confessing your love to them.”

“Okay, but how do I do that? It’s not like I’m really in love with them, because I’m in love with—” he stops short and his shoulders fall as he looks away from Kyungil in embarrassment. “I mean, that’s the answer, isn’t it?” Kyungil pats the couch cushion next to him and Yijeong sits down. “What would it look like if you were saying the lyrics to me?” Yijeong blushes at the thought. “Do you really think this will help or are you just trying to embarrass me?”

“I guess you won’t know unless you try.” Yijeong rolls his eyes. “Fine. But don’t laugh.” He takes a deep breath before beginning to recite the lyrics to his new title track. It’s cheesy and innocent, and not the kind of words he would ever think of saying to Kyungil, but it doesn’t really matter because he’s not laughing at him and the look on his face tells him that this isn’t just because he wanted to help him practice.

“So?” he asks after a moment. “Was that better?” Kyungil nods gently. “I mean, that was a little intense for a cutesy pop song, but if you tone it down... I think it’ll work.” Yijeong can’t look him in the eye as he asks, “Do you really think I can make my fans feel like I’m falling for them?” Kyungil shrugs. “I don’t know about your fans, but it definitely looks like... that to me.”

“Thank you,” is all he can think to say because he feels very exposed and embarrassed about what he’s just done. “I guess if all else fails, just pretend you’re singing it to me and... it’ll work.” Yijeong’s not sure why he didn’t think of that, but he’s kind of glad to hear Kyungil suggest it anyway. “Thanks for the help.”

“Anytime. Really. Don’t worry about asking me for help, I’m not jealous of you. I see how much work it is, how you have to think about every little thing you do and how much time it takes away from your personal life. I want you to come to me, I want to help you.” Yijeong nods as Kyungil leans in and kisses him. “For now, though, can we stop talking about work?”

“Work is overrated,” Yijeong says as he leans back in to kiss Kyungil urgently, and for perhaps the first time in his life, he actually believes it.