It’s been a full day of album promotions and fan interactions and Yijeong’s about thirty seconds from falling asleep when his phone starts to vibrate insistently on his bedside table. He grabs his phones and squints at the screen to read the caller ID. It says “Kyungil-ie hyung” and he sits up quickly and clears his throat before answering the phone. “Did I wake you?” Kyungil asks before he can even say hello. “No, I was just about to go to sleep. Is everything okay?”

“I can’t sleep. I thought you might be able to share some of your exhaustion over the phone.” Yijeong smiles slowly. “Worth a try, I guess. So, how was work?”

“It was work. You?” Yijeong lays down on his side and responds quietly. “I met a lot of fans today. I’ve got more than I thought.”

“Girls or boys?” Kyungil asks, with a bit of an edge to his voice. “Girls. Jealous?” Yijeong teases. “Not really.” He chuckles. “So, why can’t you sleep?”

“I’m lonely,” he admits. After a pause, he adds, “I guess I shouldn’t say that to you. I didn’t call to make you feel guilty, I swear. I didn’t... think about how hard I’d be making it for you. I shouldn’t have called.” Yijeong panics a little as he replies, “No, don’t hang up. I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? It’s not... too hard to talk to me?” Yijeong shakes his head even though Kyungil can’t see him. “I want to talk to you. I’ll be okay, I promise. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this industry stuff. You’re my only friend who knows how this all works. Nobody else gets it.”

“I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration. All I know about the music industry is how to be a trainee forever and then give up.” Kyungil sounds so defeated that Yijeong’s heart aches. “You’re always such a downer at night,” he complains. “And you and I both know that’s not all you know. You’ve seen all the rise and falls, you’ve seen the rookies that burn out after their first year, you’re the only one who gets it.” Silence falls over them for a moment until Yijeong decides he should break it. “Did something happen at work? What’s going on? You don’t seem like yourself.”

“Don’t worry about me, okay? It’s a waste of time. I’m fine, I just... I ing miss you.” Yijeong’s breath catches at the unexpected response. “You do?”

“You don’t?” he counters and Yijeong shakes his head again. “No, of course I do. Just... I thought I was the only one.” He’s far too tired to lie and he doesn’t want to keep lying to Kyungil; he always sees through him in the end anyway. “I miss you more,” Kyungil says and Yijeong replies, “That’s not possible.” Something about the way they say ‘I miss you’ sounds strangely like ‘I love you’, and Yijeong figures that’s probably the reason why his chest hurts so badly. If this goes on much longer, his heart might actually stop altogether. “I’m telling you, it is absolutely possible.” Yijeong can’t respond to that because tears are welling up in his eyes and he’s focusing all of his energy on not crying. “I should let you go to sleep. You’ve had a really long day. Or week. Or whatever.”

“Do you feel... any better? Do you think you’ll be able to sleep now?” Yijeong asks, his voice unsteady. “To be honest, I think I feel worse,” Kyungil tells him softly, “but it’s okay as long as you don’t feel worse. Do you?” Yijeong rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling. “No,” he lies, “I’m fine.”

“Liar,” Kyungil mutters. “It’s not your fault. I’m... glad you called. I want... wanted to hear your voice.” A stray tear escapes down his cheek and he rubs at his eyes harshly. “I don’t think phone calls are the answer,” Kyungil decides. “Maybe text messages are better for now.” Yijeong sniffles softly. “No, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

“That’s great, but I’m not. I’m miserable and hearing your voice makes it even harder for me.” It’s honest enough that Yijeong starts to wonder if he’s been drinking, if he’s really miserable enough to get drunk alone on a weeknight. “Are you safe? Are you at home or...”

“Yeah, I’m home,” Kyungil interrupts. “Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m gonna take a shower and go to bed. You should get some sleep before your showcase.” Yijeong nods. “I miss you,” Kyungil adds. “Goodnight.” Yijeong blinks back tears quickly. “I miss you too. Goodnight.” He lets Kyungil hang up first because sleep is now the last thing on his mind. Exhaustion will eventually overtake him, but he spends the next several minutes letting tears roll down his face silently and resisting the urge to catch a midnight bus across town.

It’s only been a few months, but that’s long enough to know that debuting is hard and never sleeping is hard and being watched too closely is hard. Even so, he’d choose all of that over this hopeless feeling deep inside of his heart every single time.

히스토리

Yijeong is in the middle of performing the ballad he’d written when he sees him, Kyungil, standing off to the side of the stage and watching him with a proud expression. Yijeong nearly falters while singing; almost botches a high note in the bridge. He had no idea he was coming, he had never even considered the possibility. He also doesn’t know why he’s shown up so suddenly and his mind fills with questions that he has to block out so he can finish the showcase without too many noticeable mistakes. He bows to the audience as the showcase ends and he loses sight of Kyungil when he comes back up.

As he walks off the stage, his manager motions for him to come closer and says, “There’s someone waiting for you in your dressing room.” Yijeong thanks him before he walks down the hall. He takes a second to compose himself before he opens the door to his dressing room and steps inside.

Kyungil’s waiting for him, as his manager said he would be, leaning against the wall next to the couch. Yijeong had almost forgotten just how attractive he was and barely resists the urge to shove him up against the wall immediately. “Were you surprised?” he asks. “I told your manager not to tell you...”

“I was surprised. Didn’t you hear me screw up that note after I saw you?” Yijeong complains. “Didn’t notice. You sounded great.” He tries not to be flattered but that’s not as easy as it used to be. It’s been so long since he last saw him and his heart is aching because he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to act or what he’s allowed to do. “So? Is it everything you dreamed it would be?”

“It’s more exhausting, I feel like all of the training was hardly a warm-up for the real thing, but it’s better like this.” Kyungil nods slowly and looks at him like this is a normal occurrence like it hasn’t been almost a month since they stopped doing... whatever had been going on between the two of them. “What did you think of the choreography?” Yijeong can’t help but ask. “I’ve come a long way, right?”

“You looked great, really, but don’t you think that it’s a bit... much? I know you’re trying to make an impression, but...” Yijeong raises an eyebrow. “Are you... jealous right now?” There is a part of the dance routine where the backup dancers all converge on Yijeong and touch him as he moves across the stage, but it could hardly be considered scandalous in this century. “What? I’m just looking out for you.”

“They’re just backup dancers,” Yijeong explains though there’s hardly any reason to explain himself to Kyungil, especially now. “If you hadn’t left the company, it could have been you.” Now, that one he regrets. “I shouldn’t...”

“No, it’s fine,” Kyungil tells him and it seems like he means it. “So, it seems like everything is going the way you planned.” Yijeong thinks for a moment before nodding affirmatively. “Almost everything.” Then, because he’s either feeling dumb or reckless, or perhaps both, he asks, “Do you want to help me with another one of my dreams?” Kyungil’s probably confused, but he doesn’t let on as he agrees easily. “Okay, come with me.”

Kyungil follows as Yijeong crosses the dressing room, opens the door to the closet in the back and steps inside. Once he closes the door behind him, Kyungil asks, “What kind of dream are we talking here?” Yijeong loses his nerve suddenly and looks down at the floor. “Waiting around backstage is kind of boring and I’ve been dreaming of ways to kill time before shows...”

“You’ve been dreaming about hanging out in the closet?” Yijeong’s pretty sure Kyungil knows where he’s going with this, but he’ll pretend like he doesn’t so Yijeong has to embarrass himself explaining his stupid fantasies. “With you. I’ve been dreaming about being in here with you.” He’s not sure whether or not that will be enough, but the change in Kyungil’s demeanor is promising. “You want me to help you kill time? But the showcase is over.”

“So?” Yijeong crosses his arms. “Look, I don’t know what we are right now or what we used to be, I just want this.” You. “But only if you want this.” Me. Kyungil makes him wait anxiously for a few miserable seconds before he reaches over to lock the closet door. “I want this,” he says as he takes a couple of steps toward Yijeong. “This?” Yijeong asks and his heartbeat quickens. “You.”

Yijeong doesn’t have time to react to that because about half a second later, Kyungil’s kissing him slowly and purposefully and while he could be thinking about what this means for them or if this could be a terrible mistake or if they’ll get caught, all he can think about is how to get even closer.

Time ticks by and Yijeong knows his manager will be in to tell him it’s time to leave soon, but he can’t bear to stop because he hasn’t had any time for things like this since he debuted and the reality is so much better than the fantasies he’d been having about this closet all day.

Kyungil’s the one to finally pull away, as he usually is, and Yijeong notices that his hair looks like a total disaster after their impromptu make-out session in the closet. He can’t help but chuckle as he reaches up to fix his hair until he stops because of the look in Kyungil’s eyes. His first thought is, Is he having second thoughts?, but it’s obvious that he’s reading him wrong when Kyungil asks, “Do you want to come home with me?” Yijeong clears his throat abruptly because he’s not sure what’s happening right now, but Kyungil takes it as an objection. “Will that get you in trouble? I don’t know how strict they’re being on you...”

“I don’t have a fixed schedule tomorrow. I can talk to my manager and see if I can make it work.” All of the tension leaves Kyungil’s expression and he smiles widely as he leans in to kiss Yijeong again quickly. “I missed you so bad,” Kyungil says against his lips and now Yijeong finally relaxes and pushes him away playfully. “I have to change. I’ll get my manager to drop me off at your place when I’m done. Okay?” Kyungil’s still grinning and Yijeong’s not sure why he’s acting so differently than he had the night before on the phone, but he’s definitely not going to complain and spoil everything.

“Text me if it’s not going to work out. Don’t get my hopes up.” Yijeong shakes his head. “Nobody even knows who I am yet and my manager trusts me way too much. It’ll work out.” Kyungil unlocks the door and leans in for one last kiss before Yijeong can react. “I’ll see you in a bit, then.”

Kyungil leaves the dressing room just before Yijeong’s manager walks in. “Why aren’t you changed yet?” he asks, obviously tired. “I got distracted. Hey, my schedule’s free tomorrow, right?”

“Well, you have dance practice and a company dinner in the evening.” He can tell his manager knows something’s up, but he’s probably not sure what yet. “So, if I asked you to drop me off at a friend’s house?”

“Is this friend a girl?” his manager asks. With a grin, Yijeong replies, “Absolutely not.” Despite his answer, his manager doesn’t look happy. “I will pick you up at 11am sharp. And you can’t leave the apartment for any reason. I don’t want to risk reporters or fans digging around. Understand?” Yijeong agrees wholeheartedly and his manager sighs. “If I get in trouble with the company for this, I’m never letting you leave my sight again and I’m sure you don’t want that, so don’t let them find out.”

The lecture continues as his manager drives him across town to Kyungil’s apartment and Yijeong eventually blocks him out. Finally, they arrive and Yijeong opens his door but not before his manager can remind him, “You only get one strike, don’t screw it up.” Yijeong thanks him happily and walks to the door to ring Kyungil’s apartment.

Kyungil answers the door before Yijeong can even make it up the stairs, smiling at him in a way that takes his breath away. He’ll never understand how Kyungil manages to look more beautiful every time he sees him. He supposes the fact that there’s now a specific smile he saves for him might have something to do with it.

“You must be exhausted,” Kyungil says as they walk into his apartment. “Haven’t you been up early and to bed late all week?” Yijeong shrugs and sits down on the couch, leaning back and taking up more space than necessary. “I’m tired, but I chose this.”

“Worth it?” Kyungil asks as he sits down next to him. “So far, yeah. I’ve already sold more than the company expected and the crowds have been decently sized. Here’s hoping I don’t screw it all up.” Kyungil frowns. “That’s not gonna happen.” He pauses for a moment, looking at him, concern furrowing his brow. “Wait, unless you mean... us. Us being... us could screw it up.” Yijeong shakes his head harshly and turns to face Kyungil, folding up his legs beneath him. “Not us. Me. I could screw it up. We’re... good. We’re just... us.”

“Well, I don’t know,” Kyungil replies, glancing around, resisting eye contact, “you’re hanging out with all these celebrities now. Maybe you met some hot, rich, famous guy and you just want to let me down easy.” Yijeong leans forward and rests his arms around Kyungil’s shoulders, threading his fingers through his hair. “That is one thing you’ll never have to worry about.” Kyungil smirks slightly. “Oh, really? Can you really be so sure?” Yijeong nods stubbornly. “How?”

“Because compared to you...” Yijeong trails off, worried that he’ll regret this kind of honesty later. Maybe it’s just because of the sleep deprivation. “Compared to me,” Kyungil repeats, “what?”

“Compared to you, they’re nothing special,” he says softly and Kyungil’s smirk fades. “Does that make me a successful fan?” He’s never referred to himself as Yijeong’s fan before and the words have a definite effect on Yijeong as his chest tightens up. “I guess we’ll see,” he replies, his voice shaky. “Well, won’t your other fans be jealous?”

“What they don’t know can’t hurt ‘em,” he says stubbornly. “Now, as you pointed out, I’ve been awake for almost an entire day, so if you’re gonna do something, you should do it now.” Kyungil’s smirk returns quickly. “Do something like what?”

“What a successful fan would do,” Yijeong replies, not missing a beat, leaning in to kiss him chastely. “You think that’s why I asked you to come over?” Kyungil says, mock offended. “Is there some other reason to ask me to stay over?”

“Probably, but I definitely shouldn’t waste time trying to find it,” he concludes as he leans back in to kiss Yijeong again, and then again before he leads him across the living room and into his bedroom by the hand.

If Yijeong was still questioning whether or not Kyungil had been missing him as much as he claimed, he certainly isn’t anymore because the look in Kyungil’s eyes when he looks at him tells him more than words ever could.

히스토리

“What do you think it would have been like if we hadn’t met as trainees?” Yijeong asks later, in a moonlit room with Kyungil’s arm slung across his waist. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, if you were a hot 26-year-old dance teacher and I was a poor 20-year-old college student working a part-time job at a convenience store when we met, what would have happened between us?” Silence follows the question and Yijeong’s not sure why he’s taking so long to respond. He adds, “If you hadn’t been forced to teach me, would you have even noticed me at all? I know I would’ve noticed you, but I think it’s impossible not to notice you, so it’s not worth mentioning.”

“I definitely would have thought you were cute. But I don’t know if it would’ve gone beyond that.” Yijeong swallows hard. “You wouldn’t have asked me for my number or anything?” Kyungil sighs softly and slowly slides his hand up and down Yijeong’s back as he decides how to answer. “I honestly don’t know. Would you have asked me for my number?”

“Probably not. So I guess it’s a good thing we met as trainees because we would have never been together otherwise.” He pauses for a moment before continuing, “Why wouldn’t you like me as a part-timer?” Kyungil kisses his forehead gently before answering. “I just don’t think I would have taken the time to get to know you if we hadn’t been training together. I didn’t fall in love with you at first sight, you know, so if you were just a part-timer I saw a few times, my feelings would have only been superficial and I don’t think I would have felt the need to get to know you better.” He can’t really process Kyungil’s response because the ‘L’ word just came out of his mouth and Yijeong’s heart is racing.

Kyungil starts to worry because he isn’t responding, so he tells him, “I’m sorry if that’s not the answer you wanted, I just honestly think I wouldn’t have realized what I’d be missing by not asking you for your number. I guess I’m glad we met as trainees too because it would have been a total waste if I’d missed out on you.”

“It happened at first sight for me,” Yijeong says after a few more seconds of silence. “But you still wouldn’t have asked me for my number if we’d met a different way? Why not?”

“Because it would be too big of a risk. I wouldn’t even dream of someone like you giving me your number.” Kyungil snuggles closer to Yijeong, obviously growing sleepy. “So, I guess we both would have missed out on a lot if we hadn’t become trainees. Does that... make it worth it for you? Even though it’s nowhere near ideal?” Yijeong nods silently, closing his eyes and relishing the feeling of Kyungil wrapped around him. “Me too,” Kyungil agrees. “Now, are we done talking about the depressing lives where we didn’t get to be together?” Yijeong nods, even though he knows that this life is teetering on the edge of becoming one of those lives.