Yijeong steps out of the head director’s office and closes the door behind him before letting out a deep sigh. When he’d been called in for a meeting, he’d been certain they were going to drop him, end their contract, or at least give him a stern lecture about putting more effort into practicing. He certainly wasn’t expecting the words, “We’ve scheduled your debut as a solo artist,” to come out of the director’s mouth.

He should be happy. This is his dream, this is his goal, this is what he’s spent countless hours working toward. Instead of being excited, instead of wanting to scream the good news from the rooftops, all he really wants to do is curl up and cry. He’s been dreading this day for months because it means everything has to change, it means ending things with the person he’s in love with.

It’s inevitable, though they’ve kept it unspoken. Debuting means cutting out all distractions to focus on his career, especially distractions that could lead to the end of his career if anyone found out. Namely, Kyungil. It means ending things with Kyungil.

It’s not a situation he ever expected to be in when he started training. He never thought he’d consider giving up his prospect of a singing career for anything or anyone; it was something he couldn’t even imagine. But then he met Kyungil and literally everything changed. He’s standing at the biggest crossroads in his life so far and he wishes he didn’t have to choose, but he knows that was never going to be an option.

It’s not the type of news he wants to give over the phone, so he takes the bus across town to Kyungil’s apartment building.

“I’m debuting,” he says as soon as Kyungil opens the door. He was expecting him to be excited, but his expression remains stoic and Yijeong steps inside and takes off his shoes. “I’m happy for you,” Kyungil says finally. “Doesn’t really seem like it.” Yijeong sits down on the couch and Kyungil sighs. “I was just surprised. I’m trying to figure out what this all means.” Kyungil sits down next to Yijeong and rests a hand on his knee. “I’m sorry. I am happy for you. Really.”

“What are you so worried about? Do you think I’m not ready?” He’s trying not to get offended and jump to conclusions, but he never imagined that he’d get this kind of reaction to his dreams finally coming true. Especially from someone who he... cares about. “No, I’m selfish. I’m being selfish.”

“Are you jealous? You’re the one that decided to leave, you know. It’s your fault anyway. If you hadn’t taught me so well, I wouldn’t have ever debuted.” Kyungil shakes his head. “Not that. I’m just trying to figure out where we go from here. I mean, we can probably keep meeting up. I won’t see you as often as I do now but if we’re careful, we can probably keep seeing each other like this. Unless you think it’s too big of a risk. It could ruin your whole career if someone finds out about us.”

“I don’t want to keep hooking up.” Kyungil takes his hand back from Yijeong’s knee abruptly. “Oh. Right, it’s too much of a risk.” Yijeong reaches out to hold his hand, looking at him seriously. “That’s not what I mean.” Kyungil looks surprised, but probably not because he had no idea that this wasn’t just fun and games for Yijeong. Probably just because he’d never expected to hear him say it out loud. “That’s too much of a risk,” he responds after a moment. Yijeong nods. “But it’s what I want. What do you want?” Kyungil is silent for a long time and Yijeong becomes increasingly anxious as the silence drags on and on. “I told you. I’m not going to be the reason why you lose everything. If you don’t want to keep this casual, then we should stop seeing each other.”

“Just like that?” Yijeong lets go of his hand. “You probably won’t have enough time to see me anyway. It’s better if we stop now, before it gets any harder.” If it gets any harder than this, Yijeong thinks, I won’t be able to survive it.

“One date,” he says after a long silence. “Just go on one date with me, before I debut. If you really don’t feel anything after that, I’ll give up on this being anything more than casual. Deal?” Kyungil’s expression is hard to read and Yijeong’s unexpected confidence is wearing off quickly. “What if you don’t feel anything after?” he asks him softly. “Yeah, right,” Yijeong says, not sure whether or not he’s joking. “There are a lot of possible outcomes to us going on a real date, but that’s not one.”

“One date, then. Next weekend.” Yijeong doesn’t say anything, too stunned that he’s actually agreed. “But you asked me out, so you’re the one who has to plan it.” Yijeong smiles and nods. “I’ll take care of everything.”

“So, while I’m here...” he suggests after a moment as he leans in closer to Kyungil, but Kyungil backs away a little and shakes his head. “I may be the kind of person who kisses on a first date, but never before then.” Yijeong rolls his eyes and leans away from him. “That seems like a lie, but fine. You’d better prepare yourself though because I am an excellent planner.”

히스토리

Yijeong has classes and debut preparations all week long, but he keeps getting distracted by thoughts of his upcoming actually-for-real date with Kyungil and struggles to focus on his training. Again. Sometimes he can’t help but wonder how quickly he would have debuted if he hadn’t ended up at the same company as him, but then he remembers how bad he used to be at dancing and decides it wouldn’t have made any difference.

It’s not easy, trying to plan the Best Date Ever and foresee all possible complications, but he knows he shouldn’t be so intense about it. It’s not like he’s that naïve; he knows that there’s no way Kyungil will suddenly be open to a real relationship with him after one date. Especially since they wouldn’t be able to keep it up after he debuts. Still, he only gets one shot at this and there’s no way he’d waste an opportunity like that.

Eventually, he decides to keep it simple. Partly because he doesn’t have enough time to plan some grand gesture and also because he has no money to speak of and ends up getting a loan from one of his high school classmates, who only agrees after Yijeong swears on his favorite anime that he’s debuting for sure and that he’ll pay him back with his first real paycheck. So, dinner and a movie ending in a walk and a fireworks show over the river. Maybe it’s too simple, or too cliched, but he doesn’t care because it’s one of his oldest fantasies come true. Plus the imaginary guy of his fantasies had been a total squid compared to his date in reality, so this was bound to be way better than in his imagination, even if it was impossible for it to lead to a second date.

They decide to meet at the restaurant where Yijeong made a reservation, because there isn’t enough time for Yijeong to make it to Kyungil’s apartment. Of course, his classes run a little long and he gets called into the office right as he’s trying to leave and then he misses his bus by mere seconds. After a stressful bus ride and imagining that Kyungil will have left before he gets there, he finally arrives at the restaurant and spots Kyungil sitting at their table through the window.

“I thought you were actually gonna stand me up,” he tells Yijeong as soon as he sees him. “Didn’t you say something about being the superhero of planning?” Yijeong sits down and looks at him apologetically. “I got called into the lead office and missed my bus. I’m sorry.” Kyungil shakes his head. “It’s fine, I’m just joking. You’re not even that late. I’m starving though, so you’d better decide what you want before the waiter gets here or I’m ordering without you.” Yijeong picks up his menu and Kyungil smirks at him as he tries to focus on what he wants to order. “Get whatever you want, I’m paying,” Yijeong tells him as he scans over the menu. “Well, that goes without saying.”

They both eat a little too quickly so they won’t miss the movie, but it cuts into their time for conversation, which Yijeong is both disappointed about and grateful for. The last thing he wants is to say something stupid and jeopardize the only chance he may ever get at something like this. Once he debuts, if he actually gets popular the way he hopes, he’ll be watched more closely than ever before by his company and the general public and the time in his life for dating in public will probably be over. It’s not that he’s completely opposed to dating in private—he’s never been much for prying eyes and judging glances—but sometimes it’s nice to imagine a life where he gets to go out with the person he loves on a Saturday night without ever worrying about paparazzi or judgmental onlookers.

They make it into the movie theater with two drinks and a popcorn just before the previews start. They take their seats in the back row and Kyungil leans over to say, “Is this part of your plan to take advantage of me?” Yijeong shrugs. “Maybe.” It’s dark and the theater is almost completely empty, and he’s even more grateful for that when Kyungil slings an arm around his shoulder 15 minutes into the film. They’d been to movies before but it had always been weird and hesitant and one-sided to Yijeong, so this was already an improvement. Kyungil seemed fully devoted to the date concept and it had been giving him an unpleasant longing feeling all evening long, but he’s willing to put up with it so he can sit in a dark theater with his favorite person in the world and pretend to be normal for a couple of hours.

Kyungil stands up as soon as the credits start to roll and asks, “Do you want to go for a walk?” Yijeong stands up with the empty popcorn bucket and says, “You read my mind.” Kyungil chuckles. “That’s because you’re so damn predictable.”

“Are you complaining?” Yijeong asks, his voice steady but his heart slightly wounded. “Who, me? Never. I like walks.” Kyungil reaches over and runs his hand down Yijeong’s arm slowly. “Especially with you.” Yijeong shrugs him off and shakes his head. “You’re ridiculous. Let’s go.” It’s so frustrating how easy it still is for Kyungil to catch him off guard and make him just as nervous as he had when they’d first met.

Neither of them say much as they walk down the street toward the pedestrian bridge where they’ll be able to watch the fireworks. Yijeong’s not sure what Kyungil’s thinking, but all he can think about is how this is all about to end and how they might not be able to see each other at all after he debuts. It’s not that he actually wants to quit chasing his dreams right before the finish line, it’s just that he’s still not ready to give up on Kyungil and he’s not sure if there’s any possible way to have both a successful career in music and a relationship with him, but he’s going to keep looking.

Yijeong leans on the railing of the bridge and looks out at the water, knowing the fireworks will begin at any moment. After a moment, Kyungil leans on the railing next to him. “So...” he begins, but Yijeong stops him. “Don’t. Not yet. The date’s not over yet.” Kyungil stares at him for a moment before turning away and looking out at the water. Yijeong’s heart is beating fast and his emotions are swirling up inside of him and he’s not sure what he was thinking, suggesting something this final, giving Kyungil some kind of useless ultimatum.

Only a minute passes as Yijeong’s thoughts and worries fill his mind before the fireworks light up the night sky and pull his focus back to the present. He looks over at Kyungil, who’s staring up and watching the fireworks with a slight smile on his face. “I already know what you’re going to say. You don’t have to tell me we can’t have this for real. It’s not like I ever actually thought I could change your mind. I’m not stupid.” Kyungil looks over at him. “I have never called you stupid.” Yijeong sighs. “You don’t have to. I know you think I just don’t get it, or that I’m too optimistic about being famous or something, but I’m not.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid,” he says insistently. “Look, I already know what you’ll say if I ask if you’ll go out with me again, so I’m not asking. What I actually want to know is... do you feel anything? Even just a little, just something, buried somewhere deep, deep in your heart? Like if we lived in a world where I wasn’t going to be a celebrity and people weren’t always looking at us like they had the right to judge us... would you still feel nothing?” Tears spring to his eyes before he can stop them and he exhales deeply, looking away from Kyungil and back up at the fireworks exploding above their heads.

“There are reasons why we can’t date like normal people. Like, a lot of reasons. But not because I don’t feel anything for you. Okay? I’ve already told you that I feel something for you, so that’s not possibly one of the reasons. Understand?” Yijeong nods and wipes his eyes with his sleeve, composing himself quickly. “You have no idea how much I want to believe you.”

“Let me prove it to you.” Kyungil reaches over and pulls Yijeong’s hood up over his head. When he turns to look at him, Kyungil puts a hand on his waist and moves to stand in front of him. Yijeong’s back is against the railing and his heart is pounding hard in his chest as Kyungil moves in closer. “I felt something for you before I even really knew you and it’s never gone away. And I should have told you that a long, long time ago, but I didn’t want to make it any harder on you. I didn’t want to tell you that I really, really, really like you if it wasn’t going to change anything or if it was going to make you give up on your dreams. But I’m going to make up for it now because I feel like a total for making you cry on our first date.” Yijeong laughs tearfully, not sure what to expect from him next. “Also because it’s true, okay? Not just because I feel guilty.” Yijeong nods and Kyungil takes a deep breath.

“Jang Yijeong,” he says, looking deep into Yijeong’s eyes. “I like you more today than I did yesterday, and I’ll probably like you more tomorrow than I do right now even though it seems impossible. And I could give you reasons why, but I probably couldn’t even think of the right ones and I’m not usually this sappy and pathetic when I like someone, but you’re not just someone. Even though it doesn’t change anything, I want you to know that.” Yijeong’s throat is tight and his eyes are cloudy with tears again, and he has no idea what to say. “Also, if you don’t stop me, I am going to kiss you right here and I don’t care who sees us because you spent your whole week planning this date with me and I don’t know how else to thank you.”

Kyungil’s face is lit by the lights on the bridge and the fireworks bursting in the sky and Yijeong doesn’t think he’s ever looked as beautiful as he does right now, or as earnest, or as precious. He reaches up to wrap his arms loosely around Kyungil’s neck and pulls him down so he can kiss him first. Fireworks continue to explode and rain down around them, but they hardly notice as the world around them disappears. For a moment, it doesn’t matter that this might be their first and last date. It doesn’t matter that someone might walk past and look at them disapprovingly. It doesn’t matter that they’re unlikely to end up together in the end, because they’re together right now.

And, Yijeong thinks, that, in and of itself, is enough.

“I want to walk you home,” Yijeong says as they walk to Kyungil’s parked car, hand in hand. “Won’t you get in trouble for missing your curfew?”

“I don’t care. Besides, if I don’t do it now...” Kyungil squeezes his hand quickly. “Just this once,” he agrees. They finally reach the car and climb inside quickly. Kyungil cranks the heater on while Yijeong plugs in his phone and turns on a song. “This is what I wrote for my debut album. Can you tell me what you think?” Kyungil agrees and drives quietly while listening to Yijeong’s song that he had obviously written about him. “It’s good,” Kyungil begins as soon as the song finishes, “but your concept sounds a little too familiar to me for some reason.”

“People write what they know,” Yijeong says, slightly embarrassed. “Are you debuting with a ballad?” Yijeong shakes his head. “No, that’s a dance track. This is just a b-side.”

“The bridge is kind of depressing, don’t you think?” That’s because I wrote it when I was depressed, Yijeong thinks silently. “I think it’s realistic,” he says after a brief pause. “Reality is depressing.”

“I guess it’s my fault it came out like that,” Kyungil mutters softly. “If it was always happy, it wouldn’t be real.” And God, I need this to be real. “I guess.”

Kyungil parks in the parking garage underneath his apartment and Yijeong gets out of the car to walk him to the door. “So? How did I do?” he asks as Kyungil enters the key code to his apartment and the door clicks open. “Well, you don’t get any points for originality... but I got to do a lot of things I’d been wanting to do with you for a long time. So, I’d call it a success.”

“So... this is it,” Yijeong says as he rocks on his heels and bites his lip because he’s already cried once tonight. “Not... not forever, just... focus on making your debut. I’ll still be here.”

“Will you?” It’s useless to ask because he won’t believe the answer anyway, but maybe he needs to hear it anyway. “I will.” Yijeong crosses his arms tightly and looks down at the floor as he says, “What about that receptionist you work with? You know she likes you...” Kyungil shrugs. “She’s really not my type.” Yeah, right, Yijeong thinks sarcastically. Kyungil puts his hands on his shoulders and Yijeong looks up at him. “You’re gonna make it. And I’ll be here, cheering you on from the sidelines.”

Kyungil leans in slowly to kiss Yijeong’s forehead as they stand in the hallway of his apartment building and Yijeong closes his eyes as his emotions bubble up again. “Good luck, kid.” Yijeong backs away slowly and Kyungil steps into his apartment, but he can’t leave until he asks one last question. “If I wasn’t debuting?” Kyungil steps back into the doorway. “If I was just a normal person and not a trainee and I asked you for a second date... what would you say?” Kyungil leans against the door frame and looks at him for a moment before he answers. “I’d say... how about right now?”

“I should have never become a trainee,” Yijeong says, because he wants a second date more than anything right now. “Then we might not have met yet,” Kyungil reminds him. Maybe that would be preferable to this after all, he thinks. I wouldn’t know the difference. “I’ll see you around.”

Kyungil closes the door slowly and Yijeong turns to walk away. It doesn’t feel like a new beginning; it feels like his whole life is ending. This is his dream, isn’t it? This was supposed to make him happy, wasn’t it? Instead of feeling like he’s reached his goal, like his hard work and sacrifice has finally paid off, he can feel himself falling apart one piece at a time and there doesn't seem to be anything he can do to make it stop.