Yijeong feels increasingly anxious as the time for dance practice looms. Kyungil didn’t take the van to the company this morning and Yijeong’s not sure what that means. He seemed pretty upset over not debuting, so maybe he decided to take a day off, Yijeong concludes. If he wasn’t so upset, he wouldn’t have... The events of the night before still feel like a dream, or a nightmare. Yijeong hasn’t quite decided which since he sees the potential for both.

The walk to the practice room is nerve-wracking and he’s relieved when he doesn’t see Kyungil as he walks in. When he doesn’t show up after ten minutes, however, Yijeong starts to worry. He tries to practice, but his mind keeps wandering. What if he’s sick? What if something bad happened to him because he was so upset? What if he... hates me?

After a rather unproductive hour of practice, Yijeong decides to head to his next lesson early and tries to stop wondering what if? Even though he wouldn’t be brave enough to call him anyway, Yijeong suddenly realizes they don’t even have each other’s numbers. His vocal coach notices how distracted he is and asks him if something’s wrong, but he tells her that he’s fine and that he’ll try harder.

The day feels like it drags on more than usual and Yijeong’s extra exhausted when he gets back to the dorm thanks to all the worrying. The light’s on in Kyungil’s room, but he doesn’t dare to knock. If he wants space, he’ll give him space. Just as long as he doesn’t hate me.

For the rest of the week, Yijeong shows up for dance practice to an empty room. He learns that the trainees Kyungil had been practicing with were the ones about to make their debut without him, so that must be the reason why he hasn’t come back to practice since. Yijeong does his best to practice alone, but it’s only been three months and he’s too worried to feel motivated.

Yijeong finally sees Kyungil leaving the office at the company four days after the... incident and his heart skips a beat. He’s not sure whether or not he should acknowledge him, but he doesn’t have to wonder because Kyungil smiles kindly at him and approaches him like nothing’s changed. Maybe nothing has. “Are you done with your lessons for the day?” he asks easily. “Yeah,” Yijeong says. Where have you been? Are you okay? he wonders, but doesn’t ask. “Want to go for a drive?”

“You have a car?” Kyungil shrugs. “Yeah. Wanna go?” Yijeong nods eagerly, accepting the offer before the logical part of his brain kicks in to talk him out of it. “Get your stuff, let’s go.”

Five minutes later, Yijeong climbs into the front seat of Kyungil’s car and they set off toward a mystery destination. “So this is why you haven’t been taking the van,” Yijeong mutters. “Something like that.” Kyungil turns on the radio and Yijeong can’t seem to relax, this isn’t normal and he can’t make sense of the sudden shift in their relationship. “Why did you get called into the office?” Yijeong asks after gathering up the courage to speak. “I didn’t. I went in to tell them... I’m leaving.” Yijeong’s heart drops. “You’re leaving?”

“Nine years, remember? I’ll never debut at this rate. It’s time.” Questions fill Yijeong’s mind and he can’t decide what to ask first, but Kyungil’s not offering up much information so he has to try something. “I’ve already moved my stuff out of the dorm, I’m going to stay with my mom until I find an apartment.”

“But... your dream...” Yijeong stutters. Kyungil shrugs. “Not my dream anymore. I’ll find a new one. This one just... isn’t working for me anymore.” Yijeong shakes his head strongly. “I don’t believe you.” Kyungil tilts his head slightly. “Don’t believe what?” he asks. “You still feel it. I’ve seen you when you’re dancing... you still feel it. Even if you’ve convinced everyone else, you’ll never convince me.”

“And what makes you think you know me so well?” Yijeong deflates slightly. He’s right. They’ve only known each other for a few months. What does he know... “I don’t. But I know that your eyes never light up quite the same way as they do when you’re dancing.” It sounds cheesy, and it’s a little too intimate of a detail for friendship, so Yijeong turns slightly to peer out the front windshield. “I’m not going to stop dancing. An old friend of mine started up a dance school and he offered me a job. I may as well get paid for all of the training I’ve done, right? I’m not going to stop dancing altogether, just not on stage. And it’s not like I was doing that anyway.” Kyungil reaches out to tap his knee briefly so that Yijeong turns to look at him. “Why are you getting so worked up about this? Are you gonna miss me?” he teases lightly.

“Don’t leave because of me,” Yijeong blurts out. “I’m sorry I ki... I’m sorry I kissed you and it’ll never happen again, okay? So, don’t leave because of me.” Don’t leave me. Yijeong can’t look at him, he turns to stare at the dash and wrings his hands, embarrassed about his outburst. Kyungil sighs and pulls into a parking lot, parking the car and turning off the engine. “It’s not because of you.” Kyungil clears his throat and continues quietly. “And you didn’t kiss me. I kissed you.”

Why? Yijeong wonders. Why on earth would you do something like that? “I’m leaving because it’s time for me to stop. It would have happened even if I hadn’t met you.” Yijeong still doubts his honesty, but he doesn’t have any choice but to believe him. “Who’s going to teach me to dance now?” Yijeong asks, his voice weak as his emotions pile up. “Probably one of the actual dance teachers. They’ll be way better than me, I promise.”

“No, they won’t,” Yijeong pouts. Kyungil chuckles softly. “I’ll come and see you when you’re a singing, dancing superstar, okay?” Yijeong shakes his head. “That’s not soon enough.”

“Give me your phone,” Kyungil commands. Yijeong digs his phone out of his pocket and hands it over. “I don’t mean we can’t see each other until then,” he explains. “I’m not leaving because of you, remember?”

“Promise?” Yijeong asks, finally gazing up at him with sad eyes. “I promise.” Kyungil hands his phone back to him. “You’d better not be lying,” Yijeong mumbles. “Want to get some pizza before we head back to the dorm?” Yijeong nods, hoping pizza will be heavy enough to weigh down the emotions that keep threatening to climb their way up his throat.

Kyungil drops him off at the dorm an hour later, as promised, and Yijeong doesn’t feel ready to open his door yet so he just sits silently in the front seat. “Are you sure you’re not leaving because of me?” Yijeong asks because he’s still not convinced and he knows that if he doesn’t ask now, he may never get the chance. “Yijeong,” Kyungil begins quietly, “you’re not the reason why I’m leaving.” Something in Kyungil’s eyes is telling him it’s not the whole story, so he waits patiently for him to continue his explanation. After a silent moment, he adds, “You’re just one of the reasons why I can’t stay.”

Yijeong doesn’t know how to respond to that because it seems like a contradiction.

“Are you coming inside?” he asks after a brief silence, feeling like this might be goodbye. “I have a few more things to grab from my room.” Yijeong nods and they get out of the car.

He’s never been inside Kyungil’s room. Well, it’s not even his room anymore, but all the same. It feels weird, standing in the middle of the room while Kyungil prepares to leave for good. It’s strangely meaningful, standing silently as Kyungil packs the last of his belongings into a bag before he glances around at the room he’s inhabited for the past three years. “Well, I think that’s all of it.” Yijeong’s not exactly sure why his emotions are clawing back up his throat but he’s not enjoying it. He doesn’t know what to say, but he doesn’t want Kyungil to leave without saying something, anything. “This is really it?” Yijeong says, his voice timid and weak despite trying to sound strong. Kyungil sighs and picks up his suitcase. “It is for me, kid.” Yijeong bristles at the nickname and stuffs his emotions back down. “I’m sure your mom will be happy to have you back at home.”

“Yeah, she probably will.” The silence is less than comfortable and Yijeong suspects he’ll say something stupid if he opens his mouth or worse, start crying in front of him. Instead, he throws logic out the window and wraps his arms around him. Kyungil is only caught off guard for a second before he drops his bag so he can wrap his own arms around Yijeong tightly in return. “Keep working hard and you’ll make it,” Kyungil tells him warmly.

Yijeong drops his arms first because he’ll definitely start crying if he drags this goodbye out any longer than he already has. “Goodbye,” he says calmly, though he feels like he’s spiraling out of control. “Goodbye.”

Kyungil takes a moment to observe him before ruffling his hair quickly and picking his bag up from the floor. “Don’t always make me text you first, okay?” Kyungil says as they exit the room and turn off the lights. “Okay,” Yijeong agrees weakly. “I’ll see you around,” Kyungil replies before he walks to the front door, leaving Yijeong behind.

He gets ready for bed and lies on his bunk in the dark, not exactly crying, not exactly not crying either. Mostly he just feels stupid for letting this get to him, for letting himself get so attached to another trainee. It’s not like he doesn’t know. People leave companies every day. He’s seen it happen before firsthand over the past year. So why is he laying in the dark and not not crying over something that happens every day?

It’s not that he doesn’t know the answer, it’s just that he’s not ready to admit it to himself yet.

He’s managing to calm back down and starting to fall asleep when his phone lights up. He scans the message on the screen and even though he was hoping, he’s honestly surprised when he finds that it’s from Kyungil.

“You’re right, my mom is thrilled,” it reads and Yijeong smiles warmly. “Don’t you know you should trust me by now?” he texts back and waits for the reply to come in. “I trust you,” is all the message says and Yijeong’s insides are twisting up because he is in way over his head and he doesn’t know what this all means but even so, he’s anxious to find out.

히스토리

It’s weird, to say the least, training without him. They’d spent so much time together since Yijeong had started at this new company and it just seems... wrong that he’s not around anymore. He probably should have gotten to know some of the other trainees, but he was too preoccupied.

He misses him. It’s not an easy thing to admit, but it is the truth. He misses him a lot of the time, but most of all when he meets his new dance teacher. He’s loud and expects him to learn choreography after seeing it once, and he’s not even half as attractive. He knows he shouldn’t compare his new teacher to Kyungil, he knows that he’s only setting himself up to be disappointed, but it’s hard not to compare them. Eventually, he decides there’s no comparison at all.

“If I never debut, it’s all your fault,” he texts Kyungil once he’s back at the dorm after a long day of classes and laying in his bunk. He’s not sure if he’ll still be awake so late at night, but he’s still annoyed every time he remembers his new dance teacher, so he sends the message anyway. He gets a response about ten minutes later. “I take it practice today didn’t go very well?”

“He keeps yelling at me and you know that doesn’t help me improve, and he’s expecting way too much from me. I think he thinks I’m hopeless.” After a moment, he sends another message. “Am I hopeless?” He kind of regrets sending it but it’s too late to take it back, so he tries to prepare himself for all of the possible answers. He’s a little nervous when his phone vibrates and he picks it up to read Kyungil’s message. “I think you’re gonna debut, despite what your dance teacher or anyone else thinks. You’re gonna do it because you know you can, not because other people tell you that you can.”

Another message arrives a moment later, “And you’re not hopeless. You pick things up quickly, you just have to put in the practice.” Yijeong can’t help but smile at the kind words and he replies, “You’re getting sappy in your old age.” The next text he receives reads, “Do you want me to take back all the nice things I just said about you?” and he chuckles before sending back, “It’s too late for that.”

Yijeong continues working hard and not sleeping much as he focuses mostly on dancing even though he’d much rather be singing. He still sends messages to Kyungil when he gets a chance; he doesn’t always get a response, but Kyungil never seems annoyed that he’s still contacting him, so he keeps sending them. He never crosses the line, he never texts without making sure that he isn’t going too far. Sometimes he thinks it was all a dream, that night when Kyungil kissed him all of a sudden. He was probably just having trouble handling all of his emotions and making decisions about his future and he just... acted without thinking. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Whatever the reason, he wasn’t going to mention it and risk screwing up their friendship. Ever. Especially since he still hadn’t bothered to get to know anyone else at the company or kept in touch with his friends from high school. He practiced and practiced and that ate up all of his time. He couldn’t afford to lose his only friend.

September rolls around and Yijeong can’t believe how quickly time is flying by. His whole life revolves around training and writing music back at the dorm, but it’s okay because it’s giving him something to focus on other than Kyungil and how much he misses him.

When Kyungil walks into the practice one Friday evening, he figures he must be more sleep deprived than he thought. That is until Kyungil smiles widely at him and says, “Come on, I’m breaking you out of here.”

A few minutes later, he’s sitting in the front seat of Kyungil’s car and hoping that he doesn’t look sweaty from dance practice. “Where are you taking me?” he asks tentatively. “Don’t ruin the surprise.”

“You showed up at practice without any warning. Wasn’t that enough of a surprise?” Kyungil shakes his head stubbornly. “It’s not far, you’ll know soon enough.” He turns on the radio and Yijeong stares out the windshield, still trying to process the fact that Kyungil showed up out of the blue to see him, to take him somewhere. “How’s work?” he asks, giving up on trying to get the answer out of him. “It’s fine. How’s training?” Kyungil asks in return. “It’s fine.”

Eventually, after a few minutes spent in awkward silence, they turn into a parking lot in front of an old-fashioned looking theater. “A movie?” Yijeong asks. “I’d told you you’d figure it out,” Kyungil jokes. He buys the movie tickets, even though Yijeong tries to stop him. Then he buys him a soda and a popcorn and offers to buy him candy too, even though Yijeong tells him he has money. “No, you don’t,” Kyungil replies. “You’re still a trainee, remember?” They walk into the theater and find their seats in the back, at the very top of the stairs. Yijeong sits down, popcorn bucket in his lap and tries to figure out why Kyungil is acting so strangely.

“Why did you pick a horror movie?” Yijeong asks, testing the waters. “Are you planning something?” He’s joking, but Kyungil appears shocked instead of amused. “What? You said you wanted to see this one back when it came out. I had to search all over to find a theater that was still playing it.” Yijeong chuckles nervously. “It was just a joke.” Kyungil turns his attention to the screen and Yijeong tries to figure out what’s going on with him. It feels strange, being the confident one for once while Kyungil sits next to him nervously tapping his foot. After a moment, he gently lays a hand on Kyungil’s thigh and he stops moving. “This isn’t, like, a first date or anything, you know. Relax.” Kyungil glances over at him and Yijeong immediately knows he’s said something wrong yet again. “Friends go to movies all the time. Don’t make it weird.”

“You’re the one making it weird, you’re all nervous,” Yijeong points out. “Is something wrong at home? Or work?” The lights dim in the theater and Kyungil shushes him. “The movie’s starting, don’t distract me.” Yijeong looks away and stares at the screen, trying not to feel upset. He’d honestly been looking forward to this prospect ever since Kyungil had suggested going to a movie together months ago even though he thought it was unlikely to happen but now that he was actually experiencing it, he just had to keep opening his big mouth and ruining it.

He leans closer to Kyungil during the opening credits and whispers, “How did you know it was my birthday?” Kyungil turns his head quickly, surprise etched on his face. “Shh,” he says after a few seconds, “we can talk after the movie.” Kyungil turns back to the screen and Yijeong smiles despite still feeling a little hurt. “Thank you,” he says, only turning away after he sees Kyungil smile slightly at his words.

They both seem to enjoy horror movies a lot and Yijeong’s actually proud that he’d only reflexively grabbed on to Kyungil’s arm during a jump scare and made it awkward once. Kyungil’s presence next to him was distracting, but he managed to get wrapped up in the storyline enough to enjoy the last half of the movie.

The ending credits roll and the audience files out, but the lights don’t go up and Kyungil doesn’t move so Yijeong waits for an indication of what he should do next. “I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier,” he says into the darkness. “It’s okay, I—” Yijeong begins, but Kyungil interrupts him quickly. “If this was a date, you’d know it, okay?”

“So... what is it, then?” Yijeong asks even though he knows he shouldn’t. “A birthday present. And a break from endless practicing.”

“Thank you,” Yijeong says for a second time. “I should get you back to the dorm before you get in trouble.” Kyungil stands up from his seat and takes the empty popcorn bucket from Yijeong’s lap, staring down at him and pausing slightly. “Happy birthday,” he adds almost inaudibly before leaving the row. Yijeong sighs and follows him out of the theater.

The ride back to the dorm is silent aside from the radio and Yijeong’s thoughts are threatening to devour him alive once again as he over analyzes every aspect of the past three hours, so he’s more grateful than ever before when Kyungil parks in front of the dorm.

“See ya,” Yijeong says as he opens his door, but he turns back to Kyungil before he can lose his nerve. “When it’s your birthday, I’ll buy,” he adds while getting out of the car and shutting the door before Kyungil can answer him.

He walks into his room, which he still has to himself for the time being, and turns on the light. He stands with his back to the door and sighs heavily. “Jang Yijeong, what the hell are you doing?” he questions himself quietly, but he never gets a response.