Taeyeon sat on the tiled floor on their balcony, a tea on her hand, and hundreds of worries weighing on her head. She was stoic. She was nothing but calm. But she couldn’t untangle the thoughts that swarmed over her messy head, over boundaries that weren’t supposed to be crossed. Over the beauty that is Jessica.

When Taeyeon was eight, she was blunt, ever so straightforward. She’d tell her playmates how she doesn’t want them to bother her with her lego. Growing up, she learned that words could hurt.

So Taeyeon being the selfless person that she is, learned how to keep shut. She had willed herself to only say things after much observation. How to keep things on her head to avoid hurting someone.

Although Taeyeon sometimes feel hurt when things are too bottled up.

When Jessica came, she was everything but polite. She will say things that will hurt you, with no filter, and instead of getting offended, she found it very endearing. Much to say, she thinks, it’s wonderful.

With Jessica, she can say things without the thought of the latter getting hurt. Jessica wouldn’t mind and she can probably have the strength to argue back which makes Taeyeon delighted in some unfathomable ways. To find someone on your side is a blessing, but to find someone who can pull you out and lead you on is a gift.

Taeyeon too, knows how to make use of her words to bite someone back down.

She gnaws people with her words, speaking only harsh truth whenever it is needed. She is honest, and never sugar-coated things for one’s sake if it will just lead them on the wrong way. That much, she learned from Jessica.

When Taeyeon saw Jessica walking her way on the balcony, she wondered, should she be the reserved and quiet Taeyeon who keeps her thoughts inside, or should she be blunt and bold this time?

“Taengoo, let’s go inside. It’s getting colder.” Jessica said with a shiver. Teeth clacking on that winter of 2012. She paid no attention of the look on Taeyeon’s eyes, or maybe she did but she just refused to recognize it.

Taeyeon obliged and followed Jessica inside. They sat down on the couch as Taeyeon held on her warm tea between her hands. Reaching it for warmth. “Is there some tea left?”

“Are you going to join me?” Taeyeon asked, looking at Jessica who is pacing around looking for something.

“Yes, uh… could you help me find a teacup.” She scratched her forehead and looked expectantly at Taeyeon. Taeyeon chuckled and brought her cup with her as she stood up. Worries long forgotten. She opened a section of the cupboard before handing a mini cup to Jessica. “Here you go.”

“Thanks Tae.” Jessica poured down the rest of the tea remaining into her cup. Taeyeon watches her as she sips on it. She looked at her in daze and if the hot air that breathes on Jessica’s cup doesn’t evaporize, she wouldn’t notice the latter staring back down at her too.

“Taengoo, you can tell me anything. Alright?” Taeyeon shrugged and laughed with a scoff. “Can I, really?” She moved away from Jessica, but the latter held on to her wrist. “Stop right there. What’s the problem?”

“I—I’m. Nothing Sica. Just tired.” Taeyeon finished her cup of tea and while she thought that it will make her calm down, her heart still palpitates with the though of the girl lingering.

She was once the hardcore type of person who prefers her coffee, dark, and void of cream. But Jessica introduced her to drinking tea because she said it is healthier, and can make the already calm Taeyeon, to calm. Taeyeon had been a convert since then.

But now she thinks she had to go back to drinking coffee.

Jessica doesn’t believe that she is just tired. If she looks at it, the girl is rather a bit restless. She wants to find out why though. “Taeyeon, tell me something. Anything.”

Taeyeon halted on her tracks, contemplating. Should she, now?

She looked at Jessica, searching for something that can probably urge her to go on. All she saw was her beautiful hazel-streaked eyes. It was scary. Just how much she’s captivated to a person like this.

“Taeyeon please, I think I know what you’re thinking.” Jessica said and it cornered Taeyeon out of the lines that separates doubt and dumb braveness. There is nothing much to hide at this point. “Jessica… I don’t know where to start.”

“You can start by telling me what’s bothering you?”

“What if I tell you that it’s you who’s bothering me?” Taeyeon started out strong, and it doesn’t surprise her when she saw Jessica stays rooted, never taken aback. Between the two of them, for the first time, Jessica is the calm one.

“I’d let you talk but Taeyeon…” Jessica looked upon her, eyes a bit glistening and it was Taeyeon’s heart that softened when she though she’s hurting Jessica. “Taeyeon, do you hate me?” Jessica said in a small voice.

“No! Of course, not what made you think like that?” she exclaimed, and she couldn’t miss the doubt that flashed on Jessica’s eyes. “Then why are you avoiding me? You can’t even tell what your problem is, and you literally just hinted that it might be me?” Jessica asked accusingly. She can’t help but raise her voice.

“I can’t think when I’m with you! You suffocate me.” Taeyeon said as she paced frantically, seemingly out of her mind right now. Heh hand is pressing on the sides of her forehead. Jessica haven’t seen her so uncomposed.

“Jessica… oh, Jessica. You just don’t know what you are doing to me.” Taeyeon said then laughed after. She struggled with her words and none of this is clicking on Jessica.

“Then tell me, please.” She whimpered as she reached out on Taeyeon’s hands, not ashamed of begging if it is what it takes to patch things up. “My problem isn’t you. I want to be clear on that. I’m just weird and I want to save you from the embarrassment.”

“Was it because of something I said? Something I did? Just tell me please.”

“We don’t have to do this. I promise it will soon go away.” Taeyeon assured her, though she knows that the feelings she has, had been lurking for quite a long time now. Sometimes the truth hurts but the lies she willed upon herself punctures her heart more because she knows that the feelings is far from going away.

“What would go away? Whatever is going on inside your head Tae?” Jessica asked, confused.

“The point is I like you so much!” Taeyeon said and it wasn’t a surprise either when Jessica seemed to misunderstand her when all the facts had already been laid out clearly. “If you like me then why are you pushing me away?”

“Damn it. I love you okay? As in, the ‘I want to look at you first in the morning and cook you breakfast everyday’ type of love. You get me? It gets hard seeing you because everytime I look at your eyes it’s just… I get lost and I think—” Taeyeon paused grasping for air while Jessica held hers.

“I think I’m one of those who caught sight of the stars in your eyes.” Taeyeon finished, and she began to think their friendship will too.

“Taeyeon, I’m—” Jessica’s mouth was hanged. When she began, Taeyeon could already feel her palms getting sweaty, and sure as hell her lips are drained out of color. Would it be too much to ask for Jessica to like her back?

“I’m sorry but, you shouldn’t feel that way.” It was much of a wishful thinking, she guessed. She had much preparation for that, but no matter how long she’d played this kind of scenario in her head, it still shredded bits of her apart. “I know Jessica, I know.”

“Tae… we—”

“I told you, I shouldn’t have said it. What’s the point telling it right?” Taeyeon scoffed. She felt pathetic for how she felt. But Jessica’s look of pity tops it all. Jessica is crying, sobbing even. And Taeyeon thinks it is because of how ridiculous her confession was.

“Taeyeon I have a boyfriend.” Jessica finally admitted much to her lack of surprise.

So that explains the late night hustles Jessica had.

“Oh.”

“We just can’t Taeyeon.” Jessica said and Taeyeon immediately surrendered all her feelings above, no matter how strong it is. She just can’t win this. “I guess… I’ll just assure you, that I’ll move on from this. Maybe… m-maybe give me a month.” Jessica’s sobs just grew louder, for a reason Taeyeon doesn’t have to know.

“And, I’m happy for you. I mean, that much, I’ll try. Just not now.”

“Taeyeon, nothing will change after this right?” Taeyeon nodded, but she isn’t too sure.

“Yeah. I’ll follow though in a bit. I’m really glad you found someone… as long as he makes you happy.” With that, Taeyeon hurriedly walked on her room shared with Sunkyu. Jessica stayed outside for a bit, her tea cold, and long forgotten.

When Taeyeon left she sighed loud and held her chest that is hurting. She leaned on