“You’re stupid and an idiot”, said literally every single person who knew about my tiny crush on Yongsun. And for the record, I did know it was stupid. I was just too scared to actually interact with her like a normal person.

So I used my brain. If I didn’t have the guts to talk to her, then the best way would be her talking to me right? Well, after doing some creepy stalker research and constantly bugging Hyejin about Solar, I had finally formed a plan.

A few hours of begging had gotten me her Instagram, where I scrolled through her posts for a few minutes (a lot of minutes) and saw that she posted her art once in a while.

Most of it was just fanart of boy group members, stupid handsome faces making me self conscious yet admiring them at the same time. Why does he get to look so good in any hair colour and style?? For god's sake, he has a mullet and he still looks attractive-

I shook my head, snapping myself back to reality. I stared at the laptop screen in front of me, the blank paper in front of me mocking my lack of art skills.

I sighed before clicking on another youtube video. I was going to ask Yongsun some advice on drawing once I’d become decent at drawing. Easy and simple. What could go wrong?

~

Turns out a lot of things can go wrong. My plan was flawless, it was sure to work out- except for one problem. I can’t draw.

How did I overlook such a large problem? I slammed the pencil on the table for the millionth time, gritting my teeth at the disgusting wannabe eye I had made in my sketchbook.

The door opened behind me, revealing my younger sister as she walked in the room and grabbed a variety of utensils from my pencil holder.

Before turning around she glanced at my sketchbook and raised her eyebrows. “Is that a head?” I turned my head to give her my “what the is wrong with you” look. She shrugged.

“It looks pretty good. See ya.” She left my room, leaving the door wide open. Once again sighing in frustration, I stood up and slammed the door. (Not before screaming “ you Seulgi!”)

Angrily, I ripped the page out of the book and into pieces, throwing the scrap into my overfilled trash can. “Why can’t you just get the guts to talk to her,” I mumbled to myself while starting over on a new page.

~Two weeks later~

Over the past weeks, I had decided to become super brave and charmed Solar over with my overflowing charisma. I asked her out and we were going to get married in 3 days.

No, I’m kidding of course. She would say hi to me in the halls and I would awkwardly scuttle away from her and run. This crush was honestly getting ridiculous. Of course, I liked other people before, but all this was so new to me it was as if she was the first person I’ve ever liked.

I had spent all of my free time watching hours of videos on drawing tutorials and trying to improve my work until it was decent enough to be posted. Although I still had a lot of work to do, it wasn’t the most hideous thing I’d ever seen, and Seulgi had guessed the body parts correctly.

After checking that Solar was following me on Instagram and repeatedly trying out all the filters over and over again, I finally posted my first artwork online. The post continued to get likes, with some users commenting on how great they thought it was. I was still waiting for a specific person to notice my work.

Then it happened. “Solar.sunshine liked your post!”

There was no comment. I was a bit disappointed but I was still freaking out that my crush had noticed my artwork. I rolled around in my bed like a stereotypical teenage girl squealing about her crush liking her post. But then again that’s exactly what I was. What has this girl turned me into?

I started on a new artwork already, set on making it better than before. The next day she posted a new piece that was tons better than mine. I suddenly felt self-conscious about my own post and considered deleting it. Was she trying to make me feel bad about my own art?

I had decided that I would delete it when I finished my work in progress. I was so pathetic. I leaned back in my chair, curling up into a ball. Was I even right to try and pursue her? Did I even deserve her? I shook my head and closed my eyes. I didn’t deserve her at all.