“Of course, the 95 liners, always late.” At the sound of one of his nicknames being called, Taehyung narrowed his eyes slightly, scanning the entirety of the restaurant before noticing a grand, nicely dressed table which stood at the back of the expensive looking room.

The place was nothing but warm. The pine tree walls reminded Taehyung of the comfort of snow-covered cottages; filling their inhabitants with a glowing complacency. The whole place was highlighted by the reflection of red, orange and gold flares emitted by the low-hanging chandelier-like lamps. A similar scent to the one emitted by the humid dirt on which the rain was falling, in a summer-sun warmed forest. Taehyung shivered. The place looked fancy but with a warm and welcoming aspect to it.

This contrasted deeply with the atmosphere around the table; though, that may have been Taehyung's feelings only as his eyes soon found a brown-haired boy seated at one end of the table with his head down.

On the other hand, Yoongi had half-smiled as the 95-liners had come in, Hoseok had grinned so much that his eyes had disappeared under his eyelids and lashes, Namjoon had made the comment on them being late and, while he wore a frown, everybody knew that it was merely in a joking way, and Seokjin was the only whose glare could be considered real as he narrowed his eyes at the two. And if he had rested his fists on his hips, he would have been the perfect representation of a mother who was about to scold her children.

Both 95-liners smiled apologetically, though Jimin's may have been more believable since Taehyung was too lost in his own thoughts.

Why wouldn't Jungkook look at him? Was he mad? Did he want to end their relationship? Was Taehyung not good enough for him?

Ah, no Taehyung. Don’t be so pessimistic. He probably has a lot on his plate.

Seokjin leaned back in his seat, nodding at the table were the rest of Bangtan sat. Two seats remained empty, one between Hoseok and Yoongi on the left side, and the other one beside Jungkook at the end of the table, against the farthest wall, on the right side. Seokjin was seated beside the maknae, in front of Yoongi and Namjoon was at his rightful place as the leader of the boys, at the end of the table, his chair pushed back against the wall as far as he could to stretch his long legs.

The 95 liners looked at each other and before Taehyung could react, though he knew Jimin always needed to be in contact with his peers, the place in between Hoseok and Yoongi was taken; which meant…

“Hurry up, young man!” Seokjin exclaimed, pointing his index finger at Taehyung and then, with that same finger, motioning for him to come closer.

“Yeah, I'm starving…” Yoongi mumbled. His sentence was instantly met with a brouhaha of contestation as he was the only one to not have had dance practice during the day, “Yah, at least I’m on time."

“Always when you’re not the one paying for the food.” Seokjin rolled his eyes.

Though the boys were quick to turn their slight mock-triggering habits to derision, Taehyung could not replicate the light-hearted tone of his hyungs.

Jungkook was not talking. Not to him, not to anyone.

Jungkook had not looked at him from the moment he and Jimin had entered the restaurant, and neither had the boy looked up or shot a quick glance at him as Taehyung settled noiselessly.

His head had perked up slightly when the waiter had arrived, but, as Seokjin was treating them all to a very copious meal, he did not have to order anything, not even a drink.

Because Jungkook was lost in his mind.

If someone lacks of ual attraction, if their desire to be involved in ual activities is non-existent or extremely low, then they may be a part of the aual community.

Lack of ual attraction?

Auality has often been related to hypoactive ual desire disorder (HSDD), a dysfunction characterized by the absence of ual fantasies.

Dysfunction?

However, though medicine used the HSDD as a treatment for auality, the latter is largely not considered as a ual disorder.

Not a disorder?

Some think that it indeed is a disorder caused by a stigma on uality, that it is only a result of anxiety or the aftermath of having experienced ual abuse.

Anxiety?

Though, their belief is only supported by the fact that some auals do e and/or engage in -related activities to please their partner(s).

The tip of Jungkook’s ears reddened.

Logically, auality has been classified as a ual orientation, judiciously stating that it cannot be treated as a disorder, nor as simply as a physiological choice.

ual orientation?

Aual.

His research on his own intimate behaviour with his hyung -a few hours earlier- had given him the opportunity to discover a vast field of scientific researches, theses and quizzes -yes, he had shamefully taken those as well. In a couple of hours, all the information he had absorbed had led Jeon Jungkook to believe he was aual.

No, he knew he was.

Jungkook had been able to shorten the time of his searches by typing in a few key elements: ‘Lack of ual attraction’, ‘Dysfunction’, ‘Not a disorder’, ‘Anxiety’… All of the symptoms he had ever felt, thought of or experienced that were piled up in his mind echoed in the ual orientation referred to as auality.

The maknae may have cried a little when he fell upon websites and websites of members of the aual community whose thoughts were alike to his. Jungkook had fell into the naive-like comfort of story-telling as he had read some of the stories in which auals had understood that there, indeed, was nothing wrong with them.

Nothing wrong.

And it was good, wasn’t it? To have one less question left unanswered in this complicated mind of his. To have one less reason to hate himself.

Well, it could have been, it should have been.

Though one issue remained. He had to tell Taehyung.

Because Jungkook felt nervous and, when he had realized that Taehyung would be the one sitting next to him, all his hunger -though it was barely present at first- had left him, all his previous happiness from understanding his own mind seemed to be drained away by a demonic creature in his brain. And that's when he had begun his descent into hell. Where thoughts after thoughts lashed Jungkook's self-esteem like a poisoned whip, cutting open his confidence for self-doubt and loathing to slip inside his ill mind.

Jungkook felt tired and broken, just when he had finally understood what was happening to his brain, thoughts after thoughts had come to strip him away from any leftover happiness he may have had. Jungkook was still, as if a slightly bent iron pole had replaced his spine, making him hunch over the table with nothing in his plate to eat, nothing in his mouth to speak or nothing in his head to think. He was in a dark place; his eyes were dim as they unblinkingly stared at the emptiness of the white plate in front of him, the vacuity of the immaculate surface was a visual representation of his mind. Everything was blank. The calm before the storm.

And some people noticed.

“What’s up 'Kook, you should be eating plenty at your age!” Seokjin chuckled as he served himself a third plate of bulgogi.

“He’s almost as tall as you, hyung, do you really want him to grow up more?” Jimin whined, and Yoongi smiled smugly at his side, patting the shortest singer's shoulder.

Jungkook shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable as the conversation diverted to him, however, it went unnoticed by five of the members.

Taehyung glanced at him behind his rice filled chopsticks.

Taehyung's restraint was slowly fading away. He could see that the vague look Jungkook had worn on his features was one of hopelessness, of distress, because he, unfortunately, knew it so well. Taehyung had wanted to reassure the boy that they were on good terms, that there had just been a miscommunication between the two of them, but with five pairs of eyes staring in Jungkook’s direction, Taehyung could not whisper without getting caught by at least two of his bandmates.

“Plus, I'm paying, so you should be eating even more!” Seokjin added, nudging Jungkook's shoulder with the backside of his chopsticks.

When he did not even flinch at the contact, worried looks were exchanged.

“Yeah, what's up Kookie? Are you okay?” Hoseok's concerned voice came from the opposite side of the table from which Seokjin, Jungkook and Taehyung were sitting.

The chatter soon echoed loudly around the table as all the members' features were modelled into one of concern. Even Yoongi frowned at his plate when the two dancers at his side talked about how “out of it” Jungkook seemed when they were dancing this morning.

“Yah!” Taehyung's deep voice the table's occupants like a lightning bolt. The loud clank of his chopstick's collision against the table earned him everybody's attention. “Hyungs,” Taehyung said, realizing how rude his intonation had sounded, “let him breathe.”

A few quizzical looks were shot around the table between the five men; a few nods followed. They were probably going to ask a lot of questions later but as for now, Taehyung just wanted his little bunny to not feel more pressured than he already did.

“Ah shi-” Namjoon exclaimed before his glass fell on the table, spilling the exotic cocktail he had ordered.

Six pairs of eyes followed the light-yellow liquid streaming down towards the massive plate of meat.

A roar of laughter erupted from the table as paper towels flew about the seven males, sponging as much of the liquid as the thin paper allowed. After this episode, everybody went back to eating and chatting, as if the previous tension had never been there.

As the glances towards Jungkook became fewer and fewer, Jungkook sunk his head even lower between his shoulders, making him look like a turtle returning into its shell. He slightly tilted his body towards Taehyung who was filling a bowl with rice, meat and spicy-flavoured vegetables.

As his hyung set the giant spoon back into the huge rice cauldron, Jungkook steadied his eyes in front of him and murmured. “Thank you, hyung.”

Taehyung paused for a second, registering that the voice was Jungkook's and that the words had been directed towards him.

Judging that it had considering the position of the younger idol's body, a small smile appeared at the corners of Taehyung’s lips. His gaze softened instantly at the maknae's vulnerable state. The deep-voiced singer turned his irises towards the bowl in his hands and back at his companion. Taehyung placed the bowl before the youngest of the Bangtan Boys.

“Eat,” Taehyung spoke softly, resting his hand on top of Jungkook's which laid on the side of his thighs, dangling off his chair, out of sight from the others, “please.”

Jungkook’s big obsidian eyes slowly lifted up to meet Taehyung’s warm gaze. The latter gave his hand a squeeze, brushing his thumb over the maknae's knuckles.

As soon as Taehyung’s hand left his, Jungkook felt as if the winter wind had blown on it. He scooted slightly closer to the man on his right, wanting to feel his warmth once more while his heart fluttered intensely, butterflies flapping vigorously around his stomach.

And Taehyung had felt the youngest’s need, and he wanted to comfort him; and as he did not feel like holding back, he did.

In between two bites, the older singer’s hand s its way beside him, brushing Jungkook’s knee with his thumb. This action was always followed by a slight tilt of the maknae’s body towards him, which Taehyung did not take long to recognize as the boy’s silent ‘thank you’.

There were a few times when Taehyung was the one to be granted caresses of the maknae’s fingertips on his knee; though the youngest dancer would sometimes absentmindedly let his fingers trail up Taehyung’s thigh. Jungkook never realized his hand’s wandering until the older singer had to push it back down a bit until it reached a reasonable position.

In the end, it was all worth it as Taehyung was able to witness the appearance of a cute blush on the maknae’s cheeks.

The rest of the meal went smoothly, Taehyung and Jungkook joined in on multiple conversations, secretly glancing at each other through their strands of hair. They knew that an explanation will be needed for both of their previous behaviors in Jungkook’s studio. They knew they would have to communicate their troubles to each other, but this thought did not seem to scare them as much as it used to.

Because Taehyung was determined to understand, and Jungkook was ready to explain himself.

But Taehyung also wanted something else. Something else that Jungkook could not give him; no matter how vigorously he had tried to push the idea into his head, no matter how much will he had put into the making of this vision a reality, nothing seemed to work out the way he had wanted.

And Jungkook had learned that he could not just ‘simply push himself’, he was different.

And he was trying to digest the information, to understand it, to accept that he was not a monster, that he was not ill, that there was nothing wrong with him.

Jungkook was human. And he tended to forget that often. Forget that his joy was not ever-lasting, that his job had its ups and downs and that his passion could sometimes falter.

But all these hardships he went through as a human being were worth it in the end if it resulted in a good life.

And a good life, Jungkook had never been this close to consider his so.

So close to feeling worth it. So close to self-love.

So close… but yet so far.

Because Jungkook could not help but wonder…

‘What will Taehyung think?'

_____________

~FrenchieAuthor's note:

Why is the inspiration for the name of the chapter always harder to find than for the chapter itself?

Ah, well, anyways! I hope you liked the chapter! I have a hard deciding whether I think it's good or bad so I'll say it's somewhat decent.

If any of you have inquiries or requests to make for future chapters or stories, feel free to contact me, both here and on Twitter @FrenchieAuthor!

Thank you all for reading, I wish you a very good night/day!