BREAKDOWN
UNTOUCHABLE (KRYBER)"I'm curious," said Jiwon, turning sideways to Krystal, "did you even follow her out?"
Krystal had an expression like she couldn't believe Jiwon is asking her that. "Of course, I did. I just had to put on some clothes first since I just came from the bathroom. But yes, I did follow her out. I looked everywhere but couldn't find her. Tried calling but I couldn't reach her. I even tried calling Yuri but her number is no longer available."
"Okay. That's good to know."
"Oh, c'mon, Jiwon. You know me better than that."
"I know. It's just that I never got the chance to hear about your breakup in this way. You told me what happened but you never gave the teeny-tiny details."
Krystal sighed, her eyes returning to the screen. "Maybe because I felt ashamed of myself for what I did to her. She didn't deserve to be treated like that."
"Are you saying that you weren't planning on telling her about Jihoon?" asked Krystal's mom, inserting herself in the conversation. "Well, in my opinion, she needs to know that you're not happy with her anymore."
"Mom, first of all, there's nothing to tell about Jihoon at that time. He and I were plain friends," said Krystal, glancing at her mom. "Second, yes, I was sad because I keep on missing her. But that doesn't mean I'm no longer happy with her. And third, Jihoon's case has nothing to do with me and Amber. He was just someone who's willing to listen to me, someone whom I can talk to about my grievances. We instantly built this connection because he's dad's intern."
"But you liked him, right?"
"Yes, I won't deny that," said Krystal, shrugging. "But it's not like what I've felt for Amber. It's just that I found comfort in him because he's the one who's always there. But I never considered him to be someone who'll take Amber's place. At least not during that time."
"Then what's with the change of heart?" asked Jiwon.
Krystal contemplated for a moment before saying, "I stayed in the hotel the whole night waiting for Amber, hoping to make it up with her. But after seeing the morning AEF news about the new SAU members flying for Brazil, I knew she'd left me for good. I knew she's no longer coming back to me."
---
"I bet our training in Brazil was a perfect distraction for a broken heart. Right, Cap?" asked Taeyeon. "We're almost dying there due to exhaustion. Jeez. I even thought I wouldn't make it out alive."
"Well, the training takes my mind off the pain somehow during the day," agreed Amber, nodding, "but night times are freaking hard for me."
"Now I know why your eyes were always puffy in the morning," teased Yuri. "I'm not sure if you guys can recall, but Cap was like a berserk Zombie that time. She was always aggressive during the training and is always willing to try all the dangerous stuff."
Amber chuckled, remembering how she felt that time. "I guess I found new strength after the breakup. I wasn't afraid of dying anymore." She looked at the kid who's sleeping in her arms. "No one's gonna cry for me anyway."
"That's not true, Cap. I'm sure there are other people out there who cares for you," encouraged Tiffany. Taeyeon punched her affectionately but she swayed the hand away. "So, after the two-year training in Brazil, did you ever hear anything about her?"
"Yeah, I did. From Yuri." Amber gestured to Yuri. "After the training, I was assigned to the Northern Lands while Yuri was assigned back here. Didn't know that they still keep in touch."
"We ran into each other, had a quick catch up, and exchanged numbers," said Yuri in defense. "Besides, we were good friends during college. Your breakup doesn't mean that we have to stop talking as well, right?"
"Is she already married when you met her again?" asked Taeyeon, counting the years in her fingers.
"Yup. She just got married that time, to the same guy."
"What! She got married to the same guy?" Tiffany's hands reached for her head. She turned to Amber. "How did you take that, Cap?"
"I don't know how to take that, honestly," said Amber, chuckling. "That night, Yuri called me --"
"Radioed, Cap. You don't have a phone," said Yuri. "After my coffee catch up with her ex, I told her that night as well about the news."
"Fine. Radioed," said Amber apathetically. "When she told me the news, I was like, 'That's fine. She deserves to be happy. I'm glad I made the right decision'. It was easy for me to take the news during the call because a lot of stuff is already happening that time with AEF, SAU -- my mind was really occupied. I thought the idea would leave me right away, but I was wrong. Boy, it lingered."
"Lingered? You mean like you're back to square one, Cap?" asked Tiffany.
"Yeah. Something like that. It was another blow that was hard to take." Amber sighed and shook her head. She looked at the kid in her arms and observed every detail of the angel's face.
Yuri is right, she really looks like her mom.
The shape of her eyes, nose, lips, and even the way she pouts when she's asleep.
Then her mind drifted to the past again, remembering Krystal's facial features. Being together for seven years made her memorize Krystal's different emotions; how her eyes form into crescent moons when she laughs, how her eyebrows furrow when she's mad, how her lips felt like when then kiss, how her face looks like when they're just inches apart from each other.
She remembered how it felt when she can freely touch Krystal anywhere she wants. How Krystal says her name whenever they made love. Those exclusive things that she and Krystal only know.
But those aren't exclusive anymore.
The kid she's holding now is a proof that another person had claimed Krystal the way she had claimed the woman before.
The idea that Krystal is enjoying the company of another person as much as she did with Amber before still hurts.
Whatever memory she has of Krystal now, that's all part of the past. A past that's not going to happen again. A past that Krystal might've already forgotten.
Amber hated herself for still feeling that way, for still remembering everything like it was just yesterday.
She hated herself for still hoping that somehow everything will go back like it used to be before.
She hated herself because even after all that had happened, she knows deep inside that she's still willing to take Krystal back, whatever the consequences may be.
She hated the fact that she keeps lying to herself.
Truth is, she still thinks of Krystal, she still keeps dreaming of her from time to time. Whenever she goes out in a crowd, she sees Krystal too. She may not be as sad as before but Krystal's memory seems like it's stuck on her mind.
It’s stuck there forever.
---
"She's married, bud. Just two months ago."
Amber's grip on the radio tightened when she heard Yuri's raspy voice from it. She cleared before pressing the mic button. "Oh. Really? Is this someone we know?"
"To the same doctor you mentioned before. They are both working in HQ Hospital."
"Oh."
"You alright?"
"Yeah."
"Don't worry, she's not pregnant yet."
"Why would I worry if she's pregnant?"
"It's just that a lot of people are getting married because they're pregnant, right? Well, for this one, it's not like that. They just wanted to get married."
Amber felt a pinch in her chest. "Maybe the guy is making sure that no one would steal Krystal from him?"
"I've thought of that too. But Krystal says he's in settling down stage now. He's 35, seven years ahead of us. He's not into playing games anymore."
"Good to know. That's fine. She deserves to be happy. I'm glad I made the right decision."
"So, how are you taking this all in?"
"I'm okay, dude. Don't worry about me."
"Sure?"
"Yeah. It's been two years since we broke up. I... I haven't been really thinking about her lately. I'm just glad to know that she's happy now."
"Cool. By the way, I just dropped by to tell you that. I need to be ready in 30 minutes for a Migration operation."
"Thanks, Yul. Appreciate you getting in touch."
"Arg. Just buy a damn phone so it'll be easier for me."
Amber laughed. "Stay safe. Kill those monsters for me."
"Gotcha. Speak soon."
Amber felt the gravity pulling her down after that. She laid on the bed silently, a heavy feeling in her chest.
Two years.
That's all it took for that guy make Krystal agree to a lifelong commitment with him.
Two years.
That's all it took for Krystal to completely forget her, to completely forget their seven-year relationship.
Amber knows that Krystal would say yes to her if she asked for marriage. Krystal and she has always been talking about having a family and all. However, she hasn't thought about proposing to Krystal yet as she wasn't around all the time.
Yeah. She was not around. Krystal needs someone to be there for her all the time.
Someone like that doctor.
Two years.
It's been two years now since they've last seen each other yet it feels like they just broke up yesterday.
A fluid slid down Amber's temples, damping the pillow behind. Amber took a deep breath and closed her eyes, finally letting all the tears flow down.
She lied to Yuri.
She isn't okay.
And she will never be.
---
Amber stood up slowly to make sure not to wake up the kid. "Tiff, could you hold her for me for a moment?"
Tiffany took the kid in her arms. "Where are you going, Cap?"
"I... uh... I need to get some air." Amber walked to the back door and gave the troop one last look before going outside. "I'll be back in a few."
"Is she alright?" Taeyeon stood up to follow.
"Let's leave her alone for now, Taeyeon," said Yuri calmly. "Just give her a few moments. She'll come around."
---
The rain outside is pouring hard. It's almost zero visibility in the village. Amber closed her eyes and listened to the sound of the pouring rain.
Good thing there were no cameras installed in this part of the Sanctuary. Amber also turned off all her communication devices for the meantime.
She just needs one moment to herself -- one moment of weakness. A moment when she can just be her vulnerable self, not the SAU hero everyone sees.
Amber took a deep breath as another memory plays on her mind.
---
"Krystal, where are we going?"
"To the garden!"
"What! It's raining outside!"
Krystal turned to Amber with one eyebrow raised. "Exactly. That's why we're going down." Then she continued dragging her girlfriend downstairs until they reach the garden.
"Are you serious about this?"
"C'mon! C'mon!"
Krystal dragged Amber into the middle of the garden. They stood in front of each other. It didn't take long enough for the hard rainfall to completely soak them.
"I always wanted to know how it feels to kiss under the rain," said Krystal, biting her lower lip.
Amber laughed. "Your parents will see us!"
"No, they left and won't be back until evening."
"You sure?"
"Yup. It's just you, me, and the rain right now."
Amber smiled. She held Krystal's chin. "Why are you so beautiful?"
Krystal rubbed their noses together. "It's because you're making me feel beautiful."
Without saying another word, Amber opened to capture the lips of her lover. Krystal cupped Amber's face, pulling their bodies closer. The kiss went on for another minute until Krystal slowly pulled away, her eyes still closed like she's savoring every moment of it.
"I love you, Amber," said Krystal, leaning her forehead against Amber's. "I love you. I love you. I love you."
The genuity of the moment made Amber close her eyes too. She felt it. Krystal meant every single word she said. There are so many feelings building up in her chest right now that she can't even make a single word for it.
The rain continued falling, touching their heads and backs.
"Please don't leave me, Amber," said Krystal. "I can wait for you as long as you want. But no matter what happens, be strong for us."
Already drowned with emotions, Amber kissed Krystal's forehead. “I won't leave you. And yes, I will be strong for us."
---
Amber's currently sitting on the floor, hugging her knees.
What Krystal said that time is so beautiful that it hurts her until now.
Amber felt a tear roll down her cheek.
Did Krystal mean what she said? Maybe.
Even so, that's a big lie now. Because she's already married to a guy and has a kid with him.
Whatever good memories left in her mind now, it's just part of the past. It's the Krystal that she knew, not the Krystal whom Katrien calls mommy.
Amber let her defenses go down as she cried. She needed it. There's this burden that's been building in her chest ever since she came back to this place a month ago. And now, this burden inside is flowing out of her eyes, washing away her grief.
There's no point in lying now. No matter how hard she tries to deny it, it's no use. She's never forgotten Krystal, not even once. Yes, there were busy days that occupy her mind for a while. But as the day ends, when she's alone on her bed, she still asks herself how Krystal is.
If Krystal could be thinking of her too.
Somehow, she's hoping that Krystal had kept her promises before. But maybe the saying is true, promises are meant to be broken.
In the middle of her breakdown, small arms appeared from the back, encircling around Amber's neck. Amber looked over her shoulders just to see Katrien who's looking at her with those round eyes.
"Why you cwying?"
Amber couldn't resist the cuteness of the kid. "I just remembered something."
"Stop cwying," said Katrien. She kissed Amber on the cheek and started rubbing the captain's back with her small hand.
"Is that how your mom does it whenever you cry?"
"Mmm-mmm. She loves hugging me like this." Kate hugged Amber again from behind, like how Krystal did before.
Amber reached for the kid's head and it. "You really are your mom's daughter."
The ground started shaking again. Katrien’s grip on Amber's shoulders tightened.
Amber knew that it's time to put on her brave mask after hearing Yuri shout from inside:
"Captain! Evens are attacking the Sanctuary!"
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