"Ms. Liu?"

 

I jerked and got up. A gray eyed woman with auburn hair was looking down at me. She is wearing a lab coat and a sphygmamometer on her neck. I assumed she is a doctor. 

 

"I'm sorry but did I startle you?" I nodded. I suddenly felt like wreck. I dont know where I am for a second. I looked at the window and it is already daylight. 

 

"Ms. Liu do you know where you are?"

 

"In the hospital." 

 

"right. You went here last night pretty disoriented. One of my colleagues, Dr. Adams handed me your chart when he left this morning. I'm Judy Hudson." I glanced down to the IV lines connected to me up to the bag hanging over me.

 

"What are you giving me?"

 

"Just old fashioned H2O, you were very dehydrated. How are you feeling?" 

 

I run a quick test on myself. Woozy. Head pounding and the insides of my mouth like cotton.

 

"weirdly hungover." as I pointed through the window.

 

Aside from the physical discomfort, I felt myself drowning in misery. As if I lost something, something I cherish.

 

"I have your MRI results. So far the results are normal. There was a shallow bruising but nothing serious. However, your tox screen results are more illuminating. We found traces of alcohol, same as you said to Dr. Adams but there is something else."

 

"What?"

 

"Ketamine."

 

"not sure what that is."

 

"it's a surgical anesthetic. One of its side effects is short-term amnesia. Could be the explanation why you were disoriented last night. The tox screen also showed something I havent encounter before. A psychoactive compound. Really weird cocktail." She shook her head and took a sip of her coffee."I have to ask you. You didnt take drugs yourself?"

 

"of course not."

 

"last night, you gave Dr. Adams your wife's name and couple of numbers." 

 

"our landline and her cell."

 

"I've been trying to track her down all morning but I got nothing. Found out that the number you gave is registered under a guy named Leo. Your landline keeps on going to voicemail." 

 

"Can you read the number for me?" she recited the number I gave them. 

 

"that's right."

 

"You sure?"

 

"100%" she went back to her tablet. "could be the drug you found in my system results long term altered states, hallucinations?

 

"You mean delusions and hallucination?" I nodded.

 

"to be very honest, I have no idea of the psychochemical we found. I cant assure you whatever the effects of that compound."

 

"do you think it's still affecting me?"

 

"Again, I dont know what its half life is or how long it will affect you but for me you dont look like someone under the influence of any drugs."

 

Memories of the night of assault came flooding me. Me being changing into something in an abandoned building. I instinctively held the back of my head. Pieces of conversation with the guy who hit me. Cutting me with my thoughts she began to speak again.

 

"Now let's go back with the details you told Dr. Adams. It says here you think you have tumor because your house isnt your house?" I nodded it sounded crazier when I heard someone spoke of it.

 

"You are a professor?"

 

"Yes."

 

"at Maxwell College." I confirmed it with a nod.

 

"here's the thing Amber, after we didnt find anything about your wife."

 

"Wait what do you mean you didnt find anything?"

 

 

"Your wife. Krystal Liu. Is that correct?"

 

"Yes."

 

"32 years old."

 

"Yes."

 

"We couldnt find anyone in L.A with that age and name." I looked away from Hudson. Suddenly the sky turned gray, it was almost impossible to tell whether it is morning noon or nightime. Rain droplets began to fall and cling on the other side of the glass.

 

Fear crept in. I dont know what to be afraid of. The reality where all the memories I have in my brain were merely delusions. A dream. I tried to fought it by looking at my finger who still has a mark on it. I would rather thought that it was brain tumor than being a delusional adult with a fake family. It was as if I dont know myself anymore. 

 

"Amber we took the liberty to look on your personal informations. I want you to answer me honestly and carefully. Do you really believe you are a professor at Maxwell College?"

 

"I dont believe it. It's what I am." I said sternly.

 

"We trolled around the faculty records of all universities in LA. Including Maxwell. We didnt find you in any of their records."

 

"that's impossible. I have been teaching there since-"

 

"let me finish. We did find some information about you." She typed something on her tablet. "Amber Josephine Liu. Born 1985 in LA California, to Stephen and Lisa Liu. It says here you mom died when you were 9. How? If you dont mind me asking."

 

"Colon cancer. It was the complications that killed her. We got no money for treatment and stuff."

 

"Sorry to hear that. Bachelor's degree at UCLA. 2005. PhD at the same university 2010. So far so good?" I nodded.

 

 

"Won an award for the breakthrough research in 2011. A science magazine even covered your story saying it was a start of impossible. Guest lecturer at Harvard and UC Berkeley." she turned her back on me and I can see she was looking at wikipedia. My heart began to pump faster, the monitor showed it alerting all the people in the room.

 

"You havent accepted any teaching positions and havent done any papers since 2013. When you took the chief researcher/scientist at deviation laboratories. An energy laboratory. It was also said that your sister filed a missing person report 8 months ago and that you havent seen publicly for a year." 

 

I...I havent talked to my sister for 6 years. The heart monitor began beeping violently. Indicating something is wrong. The heavyset nurse half jog her way to me. 

 

"We're fine. Just turn that thing off." Hudson asked the nurse which was answered by a nod. When he was done. The doctor came close to me touching my hand.

 

 

"I want to help Amber. I dont know what happened and it looks like neither do you. I know you are terrified." she continued with her talking when she noticed I wasnt responding. The rain outside became stronger. Thunder and lightning filled the sky. It was so unusual for L.A to have this kind of weather. It was like the sky is mirroring the feelings I have.

 

"We called the police. They will be sending a detective to get some statement from you to get to the bottom of what happened to you last night. I, on the other hand, trying to get information about your wife, Krystal but for now I have the contact information of your sister, Jacqueline Liu. I would like to get your permission to call her and tell her you are here and also about your condition."

 

"I dont think you should call him." heck I dont even know where is Jackie right now but calling her wont do no good.

 

"Very well but to be clear, under HIPAA, if in my judgment a patient of mine is unable to agree or object to a disclosure due to incapacity or emergency circumstances, I am authorized to decide whether disclosing your information to a family member or friend is in your best interest. I do believe that your current mental state qualifies as incapacity, and I think consulting with someone who knows you and your history is in your best interest. So I will be calling Jacqueline." 

 

She glances down at the floor, as if she doesn’t want to tell me whatever’s coming next. “Third thing, last thing,” she says. “We need the guidance of a psychiatrist to get a handle on your condition. I’m having you transferred over to Metropolitan State Hospital." 

 

“Look, I admit that I don’t have a firm grasp on exactly what’s happening, but I’m not crazy. I’d be happy to talk to a psychiatrist. In fact, I’d welcome the opportunity. But I’m not volunteering to be committed, if that’s what you’re asking.” 

 

“It’s not what I’m asking. With all due respect, Amber, you don’t have a choice in the matter.”

 

 “Excuse me?”

 

“It’s called an M1 hold, and by law, if I think you’re a threat to yourself or others, I can order a seventy-two-hour involuntary commitment. Look, this is the best thing for you. You’re in no condition—"

 

"Wait I went to this hospital on my own because I wanted to find out what is wrong about me." I admit that as this conversation go on and on I felt agitated by the second. 

 

“And that was the right choice, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do: find out why you’re having this break with reality, and set you up with the treatment you need to make a full recovery.”

 

 I watch my blood pressure rising on the monitor. I don’t want to set off the alarm again. 

 

Closing my eyes, I breathe in.

 

 Let it out. 

 

Take another shot of oxygen. My levels recede. I say, “So you’re going to put me in a rubber room, no belt, no sharp objects, and medicate me into a stupor?”

 

 “It’s not like that. You came into this hospital because you wanted to get better, right? Well, this is the first step. I need you to trust me.” Hudson rises from the chair and drags it back across the room.

 

“Just keep resting, Amber. Police will be here soon they will also be the one who'll get you transferred."

 

Then it hit me. They think I am crazy. Someone who is mentally incapacitated to decide on my own. My child, Dani. Krystal my wife I am not making them up right? Should I keep fighting for the identity I know of or stop and just embrace the person that they are telling that I am. 

 

No. 

 

Stop.

 

I am not crazy.

 

There were drugs in my blood and cuts on my face. The key opened the door to that house that wasn’t mine. I don’t have a brain tumor. There’s a mark from a wedding band on my ring finger. I am in this hospital room right now, and all of this is actually happening. 

 

I am not allowed to think I’m crazy.

 

I am only allowed to solve this problem.

 

---

 

The elevator opened, I shouldered two men in cop's uniform a bit wet. Our eyes met for a moment. I wonder if they are here to see me. 

 

I moved past the waiting area. Since I wasn’t on a secured ward, slipping out was much easier than I expected. I simply got dressed, waited for the hallway to clear.

 

As I keep on approaching the exit, I was waiting for the alarms to ring and alert everyone, for someone 

to yell my name or chase me but there were none of those.

 

I think it's a bit later than 6 pm judging from the people briskly walking wanting to go home. Umbrellas and people wearing coats everywhere. I hit the sidewalk and made my way to the nearest hotel. 

 

I checked in. The hotel wasnt much. Just an old fashioned one. A bathroom that is the same as my closet at home. The bed is enough for a petite person and a small LED tv on the wall. I took a warm shower, it felt good but didnt keep me from thinking. They were all telling me I am insane. There is no Krystal Liu. Im not a professor. I cant make a sense on why is this happening to me. The guy with a mask, Tyler, deviation laboratories. My child Dani and Krystal. I shook my head. Everything seems so real. Is my mind playing tricks on me? 

 

There was a bible on the bedside table and phone directory. I looked up for the name Krystal Liu but got none. I sighed and messed up my hair in frustration. Fine. If I am not married, could it be

 

"Another JSY entertainment produced filmed will be showing soon." the tv anchor said. JSY? Its Jungs' entertainment company. 

 

"a premier tonight along with the stars and the producers of the film. After some years finally a film directed by their own daughter, Krystal Jung will play soon in cinemas." and there she was. The love of my life looking so gorgeous. She's wearing a black dress emphasizing her curves, hugging her body tightly. She looked like goddess as if age wont catch up to her. 

 

"So Ms. Jung, what is your inspiration for this movie. We heard that you were also one the writers of this movie."

 

"Someone who played an important role in my life. We talked a few years ago and he inspired with his compassion in doing something impossible." she answered shortly. My heart ached for an unknown reason. Is she- seeing someone now? I felt tears streaming down my face. I chuckled bitterly. I cant believe what is happening. As if fate really loves hurting me, a man wrapped his arm around her waist. 

 

"Jong in?" i barely recognize my voice. Are they? They are together. 

 

"So are we expecting a wedding after this movie is successfully launched?" 

 

 

"Well... I am still got few projects in line but we'll never know." Krystal answered shyly. Jong in kissed her cheek. From that moment I have the urge to murder my ex roommate. I turned the tv on and mindlessly walk downtown L.A. 

 

I was now in a skating park. I cant seemed to remove the things I discovered just by watching the goddamn tv. Premier night will be over by midnight. I went to the convenience store grab a six pack of beer. 

 

It wasnt my thing to drink but I felt like I have to after everything that has happened to me. I scoffed in annoyance. Why am I getting mad? Of course my wife- I stopped can I still call her that?

 

My foot brought me in the Jung mansion. I looked at the familiar gate. It looked like nothing changed except for the color. It was the same mansion 12 years ago. I know the house inside out. There were a lot of times I sneaked in just to see Krystal. Though half drunk I managed to get inside her room. The lights are turned off and I assume there is no one inside the room. 

 

The light coming from the moon is the only the thing that illuminate everything. Krystal has been always a simple girl. Nothing really changed, not even the color of her room. I creep in her bed, going under the sheets. I smelled her pillow. It wasnt a scent I am familiar with. Ever since we got married she stopped wearing any perfume but now it isnt the case. I can smell the scent of chanel #5 linger in the pillows. It's the smell of Krystal without me. Without us. 

 

I began crying again. I just dont know what to do now. I cant believe this is happening to me. I- I dont ing deserve this. I drifted off to sleep crying. 

 

---

I woke up because of the warm sunlight hitting my face. 

 

"good morning." I smiled and got up hearing that voice. 

 

"good morning princess." I heard her chuckle.

 

"It's been so long since you called me that." I opened my eyes and there I found her. Sitting on the couch in her room. Right, we're inside her room. She is not my wife. 

 

"Congratulations on your movie." I said and immediately got up wearing my shoes.

 

"So sorry for sneaking in. I mean I was drunk and I dont know what happened to me-"

 

"I miss you Amber." She said pulling me in a tight hug. I returned the hug. I wanted to hug her more but she pulled away.

 

"we all thought you are gone. Many have speculations after that missing report filed. I thought you were murdered or something." she asked and worry is evident in those eyes.

 

"I think I've lost you too." I mumbled.

 

"Sorry but I didnt quite get that."

 

"I mean I better get going."

 

"I got an intimate party tonight. You should come. After all you are my inspiration for making that film." 

 

"I was?"

 

"Yes. After we had the talk two years ago you inspired me to direct a film. With your ideas of the impossible. It was fascinating."

 

"I better get going."

 

"You can stay. I mean you know if you arent busy." She said with a blush on her face. 

 

"Im not. Just that you know someone might get mad. Jong in-"

 

"He knows you are here. I told him last night. He is also looking forward in meeting you later."

 

---

I had the whole day with her. I was just there listening to her stories. Watching her every work done. I have never seen her this passionate for years.

 

"Are you happy?" Were you unhappy with me?

 

"I think I am. Dad supports me. I have a lot of projects coming up. It was really nice." She said as she took a bite from her bagel. It was noon and we both decided to go back to her apartment. 

 

She got an apartment aside from their own mansion. She said she needed some privacy while doing her work. It wasnt much. Just a 3 bedroom apartment. A guest room, her room and an office. 

 

Time passed really fast. It was night time. A knock was heard and she opened the door. A handsome Jong in kissed her and pulled her in a tight hug. Flowers were given and a bottle of champagne on his right hand. My jaws clenched and I didnt know if its time to kill this friend of mine.

 

"Hey bro. Long time no see." he said throwing his irresistible smile. 

 

"Yeah." I smiled weakly. 

 

"Hey baby. Mind if we talk? You know Amber and I?" Krystal nodded and went to the kitchen to prepare the food.

 

 

"guess it was a success huh? Seeing you here alive." he said and I frowned. What is he saying? Did we see each other? No. He was busy with his research and got no time being a guest lecturer in different universities.

 

"what are you saying?"

 

"the compound which you requested. I made it and gave it to you." compound? Pyschochemical compound found in me. 

 

"The !" I pounced on him and punched him in the face. I was on top of him.

 

"the ? I should be the one saying that. What did you do to me?"

 

"do to you? Have you gone crazy-"

 

"what is happening here? Oh my god! Jong in." Krystal came in between separating me and Jong in. He did this. Why would he? I mean we are friends.

 

"look Amber, Im not being an but at least you owe me. Be grateful he said wiping the blood on his lips." Krystal sighed.

 

"Guys if there is a misunderstanding between the two of you set that aside for now. This is my night remember?" we both nodded but still I cant help but to feel mad. 

 

After few bottles I can feel myself being sloshed. I went to the kitchen. Krystal doing the dishes and Jong in was left in the living room. 

 

"I missed you." I hugged her from the back. 

 

"A-Amber." I kissed her neck. 

 

"I miss you and Dani." I said mindlessly. 

 

"Dani?"

 

"our daughter."

 

"what are you saying, Amber?" I know I was crying as she turned to me.

 

"I-I'm sorry. I should have cherished everything but here I am being a loser. Wanting to have you again." She escorted me back to the living room. They both asked me what's wrong and I told them the whole story.

 

"Ha! That's crazy! Me and Soojung are engaged for two years now. You cant be married with her and have a daughter. Crazy!" He scoffed. 

 

"You know what. I guess we all had a night and I better go home. Soojung let her stay here. She had too much alcohol." He left and there was me and Krystal. 

 

She let me use the guest room. Fixed the bed for me and the ac. 

 

"Amber?" 

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Can you tell me more about D-Dani?" 

 

"You believe me."

 

"Its not like I dont it just that I want to know what is she like. What was like to have a family with you." I got up and the side of the bed dipped, Krystal sitting beside me.

 

"She was an energetic child. She looks like you. Really you but I guess she got her energy from me. She loves to act and do sports." I chuckled remembering how energetic our child was.

 

"She thinks you are the best mom in the world for baking really good cookies." 

 

"Are we happy?"

 

"We are. Despite of having a simple life." 

 

"Guess life would have been better if you got the courage to elope with me huh?" she chuckled bitterly.

 

"Princess-"

 

"I know it was a decade ago. I got Jong in now I-" I pulled her into a passionate kiss. She was fighting at first but responded when I held her tighter. Tongues fighting for dominance. I never knew that I will miss touching her. Being desperate to feel her. Blame the alcohol. Blame everything that has happened. Blame the world.

 

"A-amberrr." she said as I nibble her ear going south down to her neck. 

 

"." she hovered on top of me grinding. A flame was ignited and there we were. Got a few sane thoughts left in me thinking that she is not the Krystal who is married with me. She is the Krystal Jung engaged to Kim Jong in. Soon those thoughts were gone when she took off her shirt and said.

 

"make love to me."