one.
Over The EdgeLu Han
So here is the thing: I am an .
I do admit it. I am an . In fact, I have a long list of people who have called me an before. I do not want to list down who because it will take forever to do that so I am just going to let you ponder about who those people are.
The fact that I am an does not faze me. I am not saying that I am proud of it, though, because, hell no, I am far from proud. There are times when I wish that I could be someone nicer or someone with more sense of humanity. I do wish that my personality can fade away miraculously one day and I will become someone that I might actually be proud of.
However, I do know that being an is already a part of me permanently. Nothing that I do can ever change that fact. It is part of who I am and I have to accept it whether I like it or not. Trust me. I have already tried more than a thousand times to be a better person but unfortunately, those are merely failed attempts. So, yes, I give up on being nice. I continue to be the way I am. Sue me.
Maybe it is because of the way I was brought up. My childhood environment was not exactly the best out there but I can say with absolute certainty that it was not the worst, either. I mean, there are bound to be people who have it better or worse than us, right? That does not mean I had a happy childhood, though. Childhood aside, I want to talk more about the present.
I am sorry. Are you curious about my childhood? I do not think I ever want to reveal it to anyone about what I have gone through before. It would be too painful for anyone to bear. Maybe, one day, I will tell you. Do not give up hope yet.
Anyway, back to the topic. So, yes, I am an . I hide it well if I want to, though. In life, you have got to conceal your evilness and show your good side to others if you want to be liked. Or, in my case, if you want to get your way. Nobody will give an what he wants. Like I said before, I am an . A secret deep within my charming personality, of course.
Today, though, my personality has been brought up to a whole new level. Even I know that what I am thinking right at this moment is totally beyond the limit. I should not be having such thoughts, really. This is disturbing. I am immensely disgusted at myself because of this. How could I think like that?
You see, I have just received a call from an unknown stranger. He told me that my wife was involved in a car accident. I was told that she is currently in the hospital right at this moment. I should have been worried sick to the core. I should have had tears inside my eyes when I heard the news. Yet, when I was informed about it, the first thought that came to my mind was:
She should have just died.
It is mean, I know. Hell, even mean does not describe it. It is beyond mean. Like I said, I am an but I doubt that s have thoughts like that. I am simply a horrible man. This is the thought of an ill-hearted man. Or maybe, even better, a heartless man’s thought.
Heartless. You do not know how many people have called me that before too. It is just way too many that I have lost count. I do not receive compliments about my personality, to be really honest. Well, at least, from the people who know me well, they have always insulted me. Only people who do not know the true me and are tricked by my charming smile will say that I am a gentleman. Everyone praises me for my looks, though. They love my cherubic face because it makes them think that I am actually a good and harmless person. How ironic. I snort to myself at the thought.
Sometimes, I do not get people, really. They all say that looks can be deceiving but they still judge someone based on their appearance. It is kind of contradicting. Many people have been fooled by me because they believe that I am a good person with noble intentions. Such idiots. I have never been a nice person. I am their worst nightmare. So, dear reader, if you ever meet me for real, please remember not to trust me. I am unworthy of it, really. Just a warning.
Maybe you, too, would be fooled into thinking that I am a nice person. I can be really charming when I want to. I have a silver tongue which can manipulate you into doing anything that I desire. You will have this urge to impress me when you meet me in real life. And no, I am not bragging or being narcissistic. It is not called bragging if it is true.
Okay, back to the present. Although I am heartless, I still go to the hospital, anyway, to check on my wife. I arrive there within an hour and by then, she has already been held in a ward. The doctor says that her injuries are superficial but they are going to do a brain scan again when she wakes up, just in case. I cannot help but think:
You shouldn’t have saved her, you idiot.
One of the nurses ushers me to her room and leaves me there with her alone. Just the two of us. I wonder how long it has been since we were last left in a room with just the two of us. I cannot remember the last time I was alone with her. It has been ages, I think to myself. A rare feeling of nostalgia hits me. Sometimes, I miss her. I miss how close my wife and I used to be. We were so perfect. Things have changed, though. I am no longer her beloved husband that she knew.
I stand there by her side, staring at her beautiful face. My wife is gorgeous, I know. Everybody has always complimented her for her looks. Some of them even joked with me that if I ever got tired of her, I should give her to them. A flare of anger flickers at that thought before it goes away. What’s mine is mine, I think furiously to myself as I clench my fists. There is no way I am going to send my precious wife to someone else. She is mine to touch, mine to own and mine to keep.
I take in a deep breath before letting it out slowly in order to calm myself down. I need to compose myself. Emotions are a sign of weakness. If you show someone how affected you are by what they have done or said, it shows that you are vulnerable and that they have the power to ruin you. I refuse to let anyone have that control over me. That is why some people have called me a psychopath before because I have always been stoic.
I know what you are thinking. How many insults have people thrown in my way? A lot, actually. As time passes, you will find out what other sort of things they call me to my face and behind my back.
Soon enough, I unclench my fists, having successfully calmed myself down. Anger is not a good emotion to have. It destroys you internally. It makes you weak and give in to your temporary feelings. And me? Well, I am as strong as a steel. I look at my wife’s face again. Her eyelashes lay over her cheeks innocently and I know that if she opens her eyes, a pair of doe eyes will be looking back at me. Correction: a pair of beautiful doe eyes. Have I mentioned that my wife is beautiful? Yes? Well, shut up and let me say it again: she is beautiful. Despite the bandage around her head, she still looks perfect. Her nose is perfectly-shaped without any crookedness to it. Her lips are very luscious that people cannot help but to have an urge to kiss them. I am that one lucky man who has the opportunity to kiss them every day but I think that privilege is gone now. We have not kissed in such a long time.
How unhappy is our marriage? You might be wondering about that. I do not have any words to describe it. I will let you judge it by yourself.
Im Yoona. That is the name of my wife. Even her name is as beautiful as she is. A lot of men envy me for being married to her. They would love to be in my place. They do not know that my place is almost as bad as hell. Sometimes, I believe that it is even worse than hell, to be really honest.
Do you want to know a secret? Well, I think it is quite obvious already but I am just going to tell you, anyway. The thing is, I hate my wife. I absolutely abhor her. I can feel my hatred for her run through my veins. Even right now as she lies down on that hospital bed, looking so innocent, I have an urge to wrap my hands around her fragile neck and squeeze.
The temptation to do that is very great. I approach her quietly before coming to a stop as soon as I am truly by her side. I look down at her neck and swallow. I wonder what will happen if I actually kill my wife. The camera footage will show me as the murderer. I do not give a single about it, though. Right now, I do not really care about anything. I am done.
I have made up my mind. I am going to kill this right in front of me. She is the who has ruined my life. I know that The Organisation will not be happy with her death. She is one of the best members in The Organisation. Hell, I am absolutely certain that I will be punished for my actions. Honestly? I do not give a damn anymore. I have endured enough. I have to end everything right here and now.
Yoona and I are poison to each other. We are practically destroying each other. I have to stop this. I must end it all. This is for the best. What comes after that, well, it does not matter. The Organisation can go kiss my , for all I care.
As soon as I am about to wring her neck, her eyes flutter open, revealing the beautiful brown doe eyes that I actually love. She stares at me with wide eyes and I feel myself soften slightly. Just one look from her and I stop in my tracks.
Pathetic.
I am a pathetic man, you see, because as much as I despise my beautiful wife, I love her with all my heart. Even if there are times when I wish I could kill her, I know that I will never do that. I strongly dislike the power she has over me. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. I hate feeling that way. She is the only one that I have ever been in love with. No one but her.
Who am I kidding?
I am weak and pathetic when it comes to her. That is something that will never change. She is the only person in this whole wide world who is able to bring me down to my knees, crying and begging for forgiveness. She is the only one who is worth the effort. She is the only one that has managed to play with my emotions like I am a toy. Not even my parents are able to make me lose my pride.
I look into Yoona’s eyes and she stares right back into mine. She blinks slowly once. Twice, now. It seems like she is trying to piece the puzzle together. I hold my breath as I wait for her piercing words or hysterical accusations. I deserve that, I know, but I wish she would be more like me; calm on the surface. I brace myself for her to start spewing vulgarities at me. The last time I saw her, she told me that I was nothing but a piece of trash.
She does not know how true that is. I am a piece of trash that deserves to be stepped on like dirt. I have done so many horrible things that I am not proud of. But then again, if I am a piece of trash for what I did, that means that she is a piece of trash too. God, that sounds so childish. But you cannot deny the truth, right? She is not any better than me, to be frank.
Okay, I will stop dissing my own wife. I love her, after all. Lies. I do not.
Well, honestly speaking, yes, I do love her. I love her so ing much that I can barely breathe sometimes. There are times when I want to pull her into my arms and hug her so tightly until she whines and demands me to let her go. I want to kiss her senseless until she knows nothing but the taste of my lips on her. I want to make love to her like how I used to and utter sweet nothings inside her ear. I want to promise her forever like how other couples do. There are so many things that I want to do, really.
As much as I want to do that, I cannot actually implement it. I hate her too, remember? Sometimes, I just want to slam her head against the wall repeatedly until she is nothing but a bloody mess. Other times, I have the urge to blow her brains out with my gun. I am sorry. Am I being too gory? Maybe I should keep the contents of my head to myself. I apologise. Let us go back to reality.
The two of us simply stares at each other. Yoona, looking pretty on the hospital bed, and me, standing right next to the bed. After a few moments of silence, Yoona finally opens to speak. Like a miracle, she asks with her eyes wide open in curiosity, “Who are you?”
I know then that the game now has to change.
Author's Note: I actually really love this story and my style and writing here. Hopefully, I could gain inspiration to complete it. I'll post the rest of the chapters I've written later.
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