[A/N: This part is a flashback.]

At Sian’s treehouse…

“How can I be mad at you when after all these years I have only loved you?” Sian hugged Eunbi and the older girl returned her hug. Sian pulled away after a few minutes. Eunbi stared at Sian. The younger girl was serious and she could feel the sincerity in her words. “I love you, too,” Eunbi said and flashed a smile at Sian. The younger girl shook her head, “No, you don’t understand,” she said and Eunbi became confused. Sian continued, “I love you. Not as a friend but as you,” the younger girl put her head down, slowly becoming embarrassed. Eunbi did not know what to say so she just held the younger girl’s hand. Sian started talking again, “I only knew that I have fallen when we didn’t talk for a long time. Remember the time where I went to your apartment to check on you? I was really going to confess back then. However, I saw you and I realized I wasn’t enough to make you happy. I wanted to be there for you but I know I couldn’t,” Sian said and Eunbi could see the sadness in her eyes. Eunbi wanted to make Sian smile again but she knows that she could not reciprocate the younger girl’s feelings; at least, not yet.

“Sian,” Eunbi started but Sian cut her off, “I am not asking for you to love me back the way I love you. I just want to see you happy,” Sian gave her a small smile. Sian swallowed the bitterness of her words. Of course, it hurts. Having to admit your feelings but not asking to be loved back; of course that would hurt. For Eunbi, Sian is willing to be a hypocrite. For Eunbi, Sian can accept the biggest rejections. For Eunbi, she can forget about her happiness for the older girl’s sake. For Eunbi, she is willing to give all of her light. For Eunbi, she can be the sun; and is more than willing to exhaust all of its energy to satisfy the moon’s needs.

“I hope I don’t make things awkward between us,” Sian shyly said, “That would be ridiculous! I would never feel awkward around you,” Eunbi assured Sian. “Aren’t you curious as to how I came to terms with my feelings?” Sian asked and Eunbi did not know what to say. In an instant, she became deep in thought. Sian stared at Eunbi; expectant of what the older girl will reply. It took Eunbi a couple of minutes before she decided, “How?” she asked and with that, Sian smiled, “I realized that I am willing to give up everything for me to see you smile; because seeing your smile makes me happy,” Sian looked straight into Eunbi’s eyes and the older girl did not feel anything. Eunbi replied, “Then that means you are willing to give up everything for your happiness,” and Sian was surprised. Eunbi continued, “Check on your feelings again, Sian. Sometimes we mistake them for something deeper. If you want to make me happy because it makes you happy then that just means you’re trying to find your happiness in me. Loving is not sacrificing to make the other person happy and be contented about it. Love is sacrificing without expecting anything in return; be it being loved back or your happiness,” Sian smiled again. 

Sian did not expect Eunbi’s words. “Isn’t it enough that I still feel the same despite learning from you that you didn’t even think of me since we parted? It hurts. It kills me inside but my heart still beats for you,” Eunbi shook her head, “Don’t say your heart beats for me. Let it beat for yourself. I cannot claim something I cannot protect,” Eunbi said and Sian felt like she was stabbed by the older girl’s words—not once but a thousand times. Without her knowing, Sian’s tears streamed down her face, “I am very sorry for hurting you, Sian. You know how blunt I am with my words. I can’t go on knowing that I am giving you false hopes,” Eunbi said as she hugged the younger girl. Sian continued to cry. Her heart has been crushed into a million pieces; one by one, she picks up parts of her broken self. It was hard hearing those words but Eunbi was right. 

Sian was broken; not like Eunbi, but she was still broken. She would constantly attach the broken pieces together; turning them until their edges fit. She steals pieces from other people too; she gets them and tries to pair them up with her own. She fails and she gets wounded from the sharp edges. Sian kept doing that until her body became full of cuts and scars. She was fine with using her tears to weave her own bandages until Eunbi came into her life. She saw someone more broken; someone who has finer shards of brokenness. At that moment, she thought that they would be able to fill each other. They were the missing pieces that could connect their own disconnected selves. Sian held on to that thought; her grip getting tighter and tighter as the years passed. She did not let go—until hearing from Eunbi, herself, that Sian is not who she wants.

The two girls did not pull away from the hug and stayed on that position for a long time. Finally mustering the courage to do so, Sian spoke, “Whose heart do you think can you protect, unnie?” Eunbi was taken aback. Sian never called her unnie even though Eunbi is four years older. The younger girl never called Eunbi by her name, too. That is when she realized they only talked when they are alone; it was always just the two of them. Sian never called her from afar; the younger girl would always go up to her to say hi. This was the first time Sian ever addressed her.

Eunbi blinked, unsure of what to reply. She took a deep breath, “I am not sure. I only know that I can protect someone else’s heart once I learn to protect my own,” Sian gave her a small smile and said, “Then why won’t you let that person protect your heart for you?” Eunbi shook her head, “In case that person rejects me, at least it will not be very damaging,” and Sian understood. 

Eunbi is still that person she knew. She never did change. Eunbi was still the person who knows how to take care of her self. Sian opened to speak but she hesitated. She is unsure if Eunbi would answer her question truthfully. Eunbi saw this and said, “Go on,” Sian then proceeded to speak, “This Chaeyeon. Do you think she can protect you?” Eunbi’s mouth was left open. No words escaped ; it was as if she lost the ability to speak. Seeing how Eunbi reacted, Sian got hurt. “I only knew her yesterday, Sian. What made you think that way?” Eunbi asked, “Because of the way your eyes look whenever you mention her name. You can’t see it but I can,” Sian said. Eunbi became deep in thought again. What Sian said made sense and she is trying to think of something that will not hurt Sian’s feelings; but it’s too late. The shards of Sian’s heart has been pulverized into fine powder.

“You’re thinking of her right now, aren’t you?” Sian broke the silence and Eunbi realized that Chaeyeon’s smiling face was always in her mind. “Yes,” Eunbi quietly said and Sian took the hit. “I can’t stop thinking of her. Even if I deny it, she just stays there—at back of my mind,” Eunbi confessed. Sian was about to speak but Eunbi continued, “But I can’t say I love her just like that,” and for a moment, Sian felt relieved.

They quietly sat there. No one spoke for a long period of time. No one bothered to break the silence. Even though no one spoke, it was comfortable between the two of them. Sian just got rejected but her love for Eunbi does not falter. “You should go call her now. She might be expecting it,” Sian said and stood up, “Where are you going?” Eunbi asked, “To my house. I’ll get some snacks. Text me when you’re done talking to her,” Sian answered. She was about to go out when Eunbi spoke again, “Can’t you just stay?” Eunbi pleaded, “I could but I can’t afford to hurt myself further,” Sian gave Eunbi a small smile and went out.

Eunbi stared at her phone screen where Chaeyeon’s number is shown. She exits the call logs to browse her contacts to call her close friend, “Hey, it’s been a while, Eunbi,” the person from the other end answered instantly, “Yeah, how have you been?” Eunbi asked, “Nothing much. I was able to do a lot of gigs for the past month so my rent is pretty much covered,” upon hearing this, Eunbi can’t help but feel sad. “Haeyoon, I told you to sign in a company. You have the potential to be big. I know you are well aware of that,” Eunbi said and she heard her friend click her tongue, “And what? Work my off so I could pay my debt to them? No thanks,” Eunbi was about to reason out again when Haeyoon continued, “Talent does not guarantee success, Eunbi. You, of all people, should know that,” Eunbi felt a pang in her heart. Haeyoon was always a straightforward person and Eunbi adored this about her.

Haeyoon sighed on the other line after not hearing anything from Eunbi, “Did I hit a sensitive spot again? Sorry,” she said to which Eunbi replied, “No, it’s okay. I get what you mean,” Haeyoon sighed again, “I tell you, there are more opportunities out there as a freelancer. Come to think of it, you won’t be tied to a company who controls the things you do. Not to mention, you get to keep all of the money you earn to yourself,” Haeyoon said and Eunbi connected the two beanbags for her to lie down on her back. “I can’t just leave Woollim, Haeyoon,” she said, “Yes you can. You just don’t want to,” Haeyoon said and it slapped Eunbi in the face, “You have a choice. You just became too attached with the people there,” and Eunbi took another blow. “So what if I did?” Eunbi asked, “Then that just proves my point. You can leave, you just don’t want to. There’s a fine line between not being able to and not choosing to,” Haeyoon explained.

Talking with Haeyoon made Eunbi realize a lot of things. All this time, she has been consumed by the voices in her mind. She drowns on them until she finds the courage to fight back and go against them. She did have a choice; and she chose to stay. “We are different, Eunbi. You want to be an idol so bad while I am contented on being able to perform. I just want to sing but you thirst for the spotlight,” Haeyoon said and Eunbi snapped out of her thoughts. “Easy on the reality checks, Haeyoon,” Eunbi joked, “Sorry, can’t help it. Why did you call anyway?” Haeyoon asked.

Eunbi blinked. She does not know the reason why she dialed Haeyoon’s number. Sian persuaded her to call Chaeyeon but here she is talking to her other friend. “I really don’t know,” Eunbi honestly said, “Is anything bothering you?” concern was evident in Haeyoon’s voice, “Nothing really. There’s this person that I met yesterday and I just realized she’s on my mind all the time,” Eunbi confessed, “You like her?” Haeyoon asked, “I don’t