When Kyungsoo woke up the next morning, the sun was already shining into the room. Dust was dancing in the sun rays that fell into the room. He had not heard anyone coming home that night so he must have slept deeply. Minseok and curled up at his side Jongdae were lying on the floor, where Jongdae had put the futon. One arm swung over Minseok’s mid and the other holding onto Minseok’s shirt. Kyungsoo’s heart clenched at the sight and he wondered whether Jongdae was struggling a lot, too. Was he holding onto the tiniest straw of hope Minseok could ever feel the same as he did?
In front of others, Jongdae hardly ever showed his feelings for Minseok. They gave of the image of two strong soldiers, no feelings or emotions, just discipline and calmness. For all Kyungsoo had known, Jongdae could have easily passed as one of the Aureum Luscus, had he only had yellow eyes. But now that he saw how tightly he held onto Minseok, Kyungsoo thought how terribly painful it must be for Jongdae. Minseok knew that Jongdae was in love with him and yet it seemed like nothing had progressed between the two. And Kyungsoo wasn’t sure what that meant for Jongin. Would he understand if Kyungsoo told him how much he loved him? Would he understand that he had not been able to think about anything else than him for the past weeks? For the past months since meeting him?
“Don’t be an idiot, Kyungsoo”, he murmured. You don’t even know whether he is still alive.

Kyungsoo walked downstairs, he went to check out the kitchen but there was no food there. All he could find was an empty switched off fridge and cans with dog food that had long expired. There was no dog in the house so either the dog had died or had been given away when Jongdae had left the city. The sound of water rushing made him jump. He left the kitchen and expected Kenta to be in the bathroom but the door stood ajar and it was not Kenta who was washing his hands and arms. The sink was red from blood.
“Sean! So they found you yesterday”, he called. Sean turned his head.
“Ah Kyungsoo”, he said and wiped his arms.
“I’m glad. Did you take care of Shaila?” he asked. Then he felt the blood drain from his face at Sean’s expression.
“I could do nothing for her anymore. She should have remained at the hospital. She has lost too much blood and she had quite a few deep wounds that injured important organs. I know they like to say that but even someone like us is not immortal”, Sean said. Kyungsoo nodded.
“Sean, have you been around in the city?” he asked then. His heart beating fast. Sean nodded.
“Have you seen Jongin? Do you know anything about him?” Kyungsoo asked. Sean eyed him.
“I’ve seen him. At that point he was still alive”, Sean said. Kyungsoo felt like he had been punched into the stomach.
“You make it sound like he was on the verge of dying”, he said quietly. “He was”, Sean said.
“Where is he now?” Kyungsoo asked palely.
“At the Lotus hospital, it’s in the west of the city”, Sean said. Kyungsoo had already turned around when Sean stopped him.
“Don’t bother going, they’re not letting anyone in to see him besides the doctors”, Sean said. He leaned against the door frame.
“You have been isolated for a while in prison. You should get some updates on how the city is handling this situation before you rush into the hospital or get into trouble another time”, Sean said. Kyungsoo frowned.
“Well, then I know exactly where to go”, he muttered and took off to see Junmyeon.

It felt weird going back to the house on the hill. Last time he had run up the stairs of the steep street, he had been followed by the police, by Baekhyun and Chanyeol. He needed to find out where they were and whether they were okay. Kyungsoo wondered whether someone would actually stop him from entering but he rang the doorbell and the door was opened.
“Kyungsoo! I mean Lieutenant Do!” Eric, one of the house staff who had helped him out many times, called, his face flushing in surprise. Kyungsoo smiled.
“You can drop that now, I am no longer a Lieutenant”, Kyungsoo said. Eric smiled sheepish and let him in.
“No police? I somehow thought they would suspect me of trying to do in Junmyeon”, Kyungsoo muttered. Someone laughed.
“Ah well, I sent for you, so you were expected”, Junmyeon called. Eric quickly bowed. Kyungsoo saw Junmyeon standing in front of the living room door, next to him a tall man. He had a grim facial expression and eyed Kyungsoo suspiciously.
“Come in”, Junmyeon said and nodded with his head.
“What do you mean I was expected?” Kyungsoo asked.
“Didn’t Jongdae send you over?” Junmyeon asked.
“Jongdae? No”, Kyungsoo said confused.
“You’re staying with him, right? I had asked him yesterday to send you over today”, Junmyeon said.
“What was Jongdae doing here?” Kyungsoo asked instead.
“Ah, he picked up Sean”, Junmyeon answered and opened the living room door further. “Let’s sit down”, he said.

Kyungsoo walked through the entrance hall and entered the living room. It had changed since the last time he had been here, the furniture was different and the carpets had been exchanged. Obviously because of the blood stains and the bad memories. Junmyeon sat down on the comfortable leather chair and pointed to the chair on the other side of the small glass table. The tall man stood right beside him. Kyungsoo sat down and then eyed Junmyeon. Junmyeon had changed, too. He had not spent his past weeks in a prison and had not suffered under the anxiety and panic or the memories of killing someone.
“You can relax Yifan, Kyungsoo won’t kill me”, Junmyeon said to the tall guy.
“Are you sure?” Kyungsoo said lowly. Junmyeon furrowed his eyebrows and Kyungsoo looked at Yifan, who certainly did not relax and almost grinned.
“Oh, so you hired a bodyguard to protect you. Then you are sacred of me trying to kill you?” Kyungsoo asked. Junmyeon crossed his legs and leaned to the side, leaning on his arm.
“Not at all, Kyungsoo. I know you still blame me for everything that happened at camp two. But let me tell you, it was me who convinced the governor to close the camp before more people died. I personally went there to get the Aureum Luscus out of there – obviously, I looked for Jongin”, Junmyeon said. Kyungsoo raised his eyebrows in disbelief.
“You? You personally went there to get Jongin out of there?” he asked. Junmyeon tilted his head slightly.
“Of course. I made sure they all received immediate treatment and I talked to the governor about their court trials. The Aureum Luscus can hardly be blamed for anything they have done, only few of them have really committed serious crimes in full consciousness and with full intent. Those who killed everyone at camp three for instance are on the wanted list. And they are the reason for my bodyguard, not you”, Junmyeon explained.
“Wait, where is the difference between us taking over the camps and those who put up a fight and rioted at the camps before we arrived there? We did nothing different. We also went in there to kill the leaders of the camp. They did so, too. They just weren’t part of our group at the shelter… Is that some dumb attempt at justifying letting Kyu die? Because she killed your grandfather?” Kyungsoo asked. Junmyeon frowned.
“First of all, everyone was already dead when our group arrived at camp three. The leaders of the camp had been brutally tortured and murdered by a few Aureum Luscus – or so we believe. And I certainly did not let Kyu die! I don’t know how you relate those two things” Junmyeon said sharply. Kyungsoo smiled coldly.
“Yeah sure not. You knew she was very sick and you could have helped her. But you abandoned her along with your team at the camp to come into the city to lead your new life in luxury and learn the taste of power. I doubt you had doctors checking on her after she killed your grandfather”, Kyungsoo said. Junmyeon lifted his chin a little.
“Oh wait, has power already turned your head so much? Were you after your grandfather’s position and money that you were actually glad that Kyu took care of him for you?” Kyungsoo asked. Junmyeon’s hands clenched and he got up.
“Don’t you dare to say that!” he shouted.
“Why? Is it true? Junmyeon, you fooled me. I thought you were a good person, the only good person in this god forsaken boring town. You were the one to help Jongin escape but you had been thinking about yourself from the very start. You wanted to flee the town but you had no opportunity to do so, you were interested in the Aureum Luscus but you were smarter than the other doctors and scientists. You knew that their tests were bull. Once you came to the city and you had all the fantastic technical equipment and data you immediately immersed yourself in it and took over your grandfather’s role in upholding this damn experiment that cost so many people their lives and sanity. You are just as much to blame as your grandfather. The lie of doing this experiment to help people or save them from diseases is just as dumb as your excuses”, Kyungsoo hissed leaning forward. Junmyeon was red in the face.
“I am helping them! It’s me who is offering them individual treatment and they can choose whether they want it or not. I am trying to fix the mistakes all the scientists before me have done! I tried to find the solution to their problems, I worked day and night on it. Don’t you come in here and insult me like that! I’m not doing this for power in the government or for money!” Junmyeon shouted.
“Really? What are you doing it for then? Surely not for the Aureum Luscus, they were nothing but study objects to you”, Kyungsoo said. Junmyeon was shaking with anger.
“You know, a while ago I would have believed you because I thought that you really cared for them as people. I thought you liked Kyu, I thought she meant more to you. But she never meant anything to you but an opportunity and data, right?” Kyungsoo said coolly. “Don’t present yourself as the glorious saviour”. Kyungsoo got up.
“You are contributing to the whole system, aren’t you? After all Jongdae is still without work and no one wants to help. You sit here in your comfortable house when people out there have nothing to eat and struggle so hard. Jongdae, he cares for the Aureum Luscus. He searched the entire city for survivors and made sure they were treated well in hospitals, he took in people although he can offer nothing more than a roof over the head. You celebrate yourself as the defender and hero of the Aureum Luscus but you are doing nothing to help them. You only help yourself”, Kyungsoo said.
Junmyeon jumped to his feet and with two steps he was in front of Kyungsoo and grabbed him by the collar.
“You know nothing about me. You are just as egoistic as you believe me to be. You only care about yourself and Jongin. But you burden Jongin with a role he cannot fulfil because of your own feelings, so don’t tell me I am the one thinking only about myself. I am working on a treatment that will help the Aureum Luscus to feel ordinary emotions, they have been lacking so far. I am providing them with psychological treatment and I pay it for them. Don’t you dare to say I don’t care about them”, Junmyeon hissed. He winced when he felt Kyungsoo’s hand on his stomach.
“It is not my fault for what happened at camp two. It was not my original idea to start this experiment and I am not proud of my grandfather for that either. I owe you no justification. If you came to ask for a job like Jongdae did, forget it. No one involved in the entire matter will get a job for the next years. It was my persuasion that the Aureum Luscus are exempted from that rule, they are highly skilled and deserve every redemption. They receive the proper education or may contribute their knowledge and skills to our city if they wish to. But every ordinary human is for the time being not trustworthy enough to take on a job such as the one of a police officer. I thought you would understand that a rebel who helped people break into the city cannot be excused and immediately allowed to receive such an important job concerning the security”, Junmyeon said.
“Of course, you are also exempted from that rule”, Kyungsoo said quietly.
“But since you have more than enough, get yourself a proper bodyguard. Not that kid who looks like you picked him up from the university sports campus for looking intimidating and tall”, Kyungsoo said. Yifan, the body guard frowned.
“Next time check someone who gets in for weapons”, Kyungsoo said to Yifan as he stepped back from Junmyeon and let the knife he had pressed against Junmyeon’s stomach sway between his fingers. “Also, don’t allow your client so close to his guests. I could have easily stabbed him”, Kyungsoo said. Junmyeon stepped back.
“Maybe I should have hired you to train him”, he muttered. Kyungsoo laughed and got up. “Next time we meet, you better have hired someone who trains him properly”, he said and left.

“Junmyeon, sir, why did you not tell him -?” Yifan asked as soon as Kyungsoo had left but Junmyeon interrupted him with the wave of his hand.
“We will wait and see. He cannot think straight as long as Jongin is dying, he either needs to get over Jongin’s death or Jongin has to survive and recover. Before that he is not ready to hear any new information regarding that”, Junmyeon said.
“He looked straight through it”, Yifan added then. He looked embarrassed.
“He is one of the best soldiers out there, of course, he looked through you. And he would have probably managed to kill me even if you were a trained bodyguard. I was sure he would not try to kill me. But he is right, you need training by a specialist. Not the stuff you learn at the police academy, I’ll get you a real expert”, Junmyeon said.
Yifan stepped up to Junmyeon. “I said I would work hard to make sure no one will kill you”, Yifan called. Junmyeon did not look at him but still stared at the door through which Kyungsoo had left. “Yeah, right”, he muttered.
“When he took out that knife…”, Yifan muttered and clenched his hands to fists. “He could have hurt you before I could have intervened”.
Junmyeon turned around. “Oh don’t worry, I am never unarmed either”, Junmyeon said. Yifan cleared his throat. “You better keep that to yourself however”, Junmyeon added quietly. “I will”.

*

A week later, Minseok was back at Junmyeon’s house. “How do you feel? Do you still want to do the tests?” Junmyeon asked welcoming Minseok. He nodded.
“Good, follow me”, Junmyeon said. A tall man was constantly close, watching them like a hawk.
“Who is that?” Minseok asked suspiciously.
“He is aiming to become my bodyguard but he still needs a good trainer. I think the police academy is no good”, Junmyeon said. Minseok hummed.
Junmyeon led him upstairs to the second floor which looked completely different to the rest of the house. It was sterile white and resembled a hospital. Junmyeon took Minseok who was feeling a bit tense now into the second room on the left. But to Minseok’s surprise Sean was waiting for them, he was dressed in white which shone in bright contrast to his dark skin.

“Sean will draw some blood and then after a short break we will do the MRI, alright?” Junmyeon said. Minseok nodded. Junmyeon left the two alone.
“Have you done this as well?” Minseok asked.
“Junmyeon checked me through, but I did not want any treatment and he said he thinks I will do fine anyways. But I did not need his opinion for that, I just want to continue doing my job. He offered me this position and I could have hoped for nothing better. I can treat my own kind and make sure no so called doctor ever does strange experiments with us again”, Sean said. He disinfected Minseok’s arm and placed a long needle at his skin.
“You are the doctor then who helps Junmyeon with the treatment?” Minseok asked. Sean nodded as he started to draw blood.
They were quiet for a while and then Sean finally took the needle out and put a plaster over the puncture.
“Okay, you can relax for a bit in the room next doors. You will receive a lunch as well. Junmyeon will pick you up in about an hour for the next test”, Sean said and took the blood sample and stored it. Minseok got up and went through the door Sean had pointed to. He found himself in a rather small but nice looking room.
There was a bed, a comfortable sofa, a desk, a tablet to read or watch movies on, a bathroom and a filled tray with food. Minseok sat down on the sofa and started eating. He waited for a bit more than an hour, while listening intently he heard how Sean left the room and returned a while later and then someone else having their blood drawn.
Junmyeon knocked gently on the door and led him out to the white corridor.
“How are you feeling? Did you eat something?” he asked. Minseok nodded. “Yeah, thanks”.
Junmyeon brought him to the room at the end of the corridor. Minseok went into a small chamber where he took off his clothes and changed into provided linen shirt and pants. He left the chamber into the actual room where Junmyeon was waiting for him.
“You have done this before, right? Same procedure as last time”, Junmyeon said. The MRI was uncomfortably loud even though Junmyeon had given him better headphones than the ones he had had at the camp.

When they were done, he had to go back to the waiting room. It took another hour until Junmyeon picked him up and led him down to the first floor into an office.
“Okay, I’ve got your results here”, Junmyeon said as they had sat down.
“I’m glad to say we can exclude any diseases and your results match my expectations. The antibody-test provides evidence to my thesis that your body builds antibodies which block receptors. So you actually produce all those hormones you were said you were lacking but because of the blocked receptors the hormones cannot unfold their effects. It seems your body has built these antibodies since you were young and thus I guess they have already destroyed several of your receptors, but don’t worry, once we stop the antibodies they can regenerate. You will receive a medicine that will suppress these antibodies. I am sorry to say that I have not yet found the right medicine to completely destroy those antibodies. As of now we can only suppress them”, Junmyeon said.
“So if you wish to do this treatment you would have to take various pills every day, morning and evening until we find a solution to completely destroy those antibodies or your body stops producing those antibodies which might be possible as well. It is working for a few so far. They produce far less antibodies than you however”, Junmyeon said.
Minseok looked at the small pills in the box Junmyeon was holding.
“How do you know this works?” Minseok asked carefully.
“To be honest, from the results of the experiment. When they did those emotion tests with you they gave you drug cocktails. You were told that they only consisted of the hormones you were lacking, but among them I found something that did not fit into the scheme. It was a certain drug that I had not heard of before, I researched it further. It took me months but I found out that someone knew about the actual reason most of you were not able to feel the same emotions as ordinary humans. That person mixed in that drug to repress the antibodies and flood your body with the hormones to achieve immediate and quick results. If you start taking these pills, the effects will take a while to kick in as we will start with a low dose. Should you decide to take the pills, I need you to come in for regular check-ups and I want you to consult a psychologist. You might experience strong mood swings and since it would be a first for you, I want to be sure a professional is keeping an eye on you”, Junmyeon said.
Minseok leaned his chin into his hand, thinking. “And side effects?” he asked then.
“Yes, there are always side effects. As I said you will experience mood swings and there is no guarantee on how your body will react to the pills. So either your body completely rejects them, then we have to start a different therapy. It could also be that you feel rather weak or sickly in the first weeks. But you live together with Jongdae, right? As long as you are not alone, I would not be worried”, Junmyeon said.
“Can I stop the treatment at any point of time?” Minseok asked. Junmyeon hesitated.
“Well, of course you can. But you cannot stop abruptly, you need to lower the dose gradually and you have to be aware of the fact that your body will then continue to build those antibodies and destroy your receptors”, Junmyeon said. Minseok nodded slowly.
“Just one more question. Kyu took a similar drug but it killed her eventually. She got very sick from taking it”, Minseok said. Junmyeon frowned.
“Yeah, she was oddly well informed about the drugs. The reason she got sick from it was because she took the wrong pill mixture in the wrong dose. Thus her body build various antibodies, some were built as response to the pills she took and these antibodies attacked her body. Had she been an ordinary human, she would have died very fast”, Junmyeon said. Minseok slowly nodded.
“Alright, I will do the treatment”, he said. Junmyeon smiled. “Great”.
They got up and made a new appointment for his first check-up and session with a psychologist.
“One last thing, though”, Minseok said as they left the office.
“Yeah?” Junmyeon asked, stopping in the door.
“Your bodyguard needs proper training”, Minseok said. Junmyeon’s face relaxed and he closed the office door and stepped into the corridor to Minseok.
“Yeah, he does”, he agreed.
“Let Jongdae train him”, Minseok said. Junmyeon looked surprised.
“Jongdae needs a job and he has all the skills you are looking for. He grew up in this city and knows how things work here but he worked long enough outside the city with people like me to know about real dangers. And he knows what you are really afraid of”, Minseok added. Junmyeon stopped and looked at him. “You think that someone helped out at camp three, the people who killed the leaders disappeared before Kyu and your team arrived there. You think, there are others who helped them and are hiding them now. These are the ones you fear, because unlike most of us, they have not forgotten about the Feng group. They will continue to look for them and you know very well that you will be on their hit list as well”, Minseok said.
“That sounds as if you believe, I knew who the Feng group is or as if I was part of it”, Junmyeon said. Minseok tilted his head slightly.
“Take it as you will. I don’t care. Give Jongdae the job, if I start the treatment I won’t be able to work. Jongdae won’t get a job because of your rule unless it is a job to work directly under you”, Minseok said. Junmyeon raised his eyebrows.
“Jongdae will be very happy to be working directly under me”, Junmyeon said. “But alright, I will offer him the position”, he added.
He shook hands with Minseok and Minseok left.

Kyungsoo was pacing up and down in the hospital. They had finally let him in to see Jongin but no one wanted to tell him how he was or whether they had only let him in now because Jongin was dead now. Sean had not stopped by Jongdae’s house ever since treating Shaila and so Kyungsoo had received no news from him. He had called the hospital daily after the security guards had strictly prohibited him from entering the hospital after trying to visit Jongin once.
He was waiting for half an hour now in front of Jongin’s room. Then finally the door opened and a nurse appeared.
“Mr Do? You can see him now”, she said. Kyungsoo felt his knees go weak and he felt slightly sick with fear when he walked through the door.
Jongin was alive and sitting on his bed, he was badly injured but he was alive. The bits of his body that were visible under his clothes were all wrapped in bandages and what seemed like hundreds of cables were attached to his body. His hair had been shaved off some time ago because it was radically short. The only injuries that were visible were a brutal cut across his throat that had been treated and seemed to be healing already and the dark bruising in his face and a scar had already appeared on the side of his face. The yellow eyes were blood-shot and looked exhausted but surprised.
“Jongin”, Kyungsoo whispered.
He felt like his knees were about to give in any second, he stumbled to the bed and stared at him. Jongin looked uncomfortable, it seemed that he knew what he looked like. But he said nothing, his mouth just opened and closed again. It seemed that the injury on his throat prevented him from speaking. Kyungsoo reached out his hands and took Jongin’s. “I thought you were dead”, Kyungsoo whispered. “I am – so glad, I am so, so glad that you are alive”, Kyungsoo whispered. Jongin looked surprised. Kyungsoo sat down on his bed and just held Jongin’s hands and smiled at him. He let the tears roll down his face and was satisfied just looking into Jongin’s eyes again. Jongin tugged slightly on Kyungsoo’s hand and tried to free his hand.
“Sorry, did it hurt? I didn’t want to –“, Kyungsoo said quickly. But Jongin raised his free hand to touch Kyungsoo’s face. His dry and chapped lips twitched a little, it looked almost as if he was smiling. Kyungsoo smiled through his tears as Jongin’s thumb away his tears although his hand was weak and shaky.

*

Jongdae sat up abruptly, he could not tell what had woken him up but he had been pulled out of his sleep. He looked around, sweat trickling down his temples. He could not pay for air conditioning, it was only thanks to Kenta’s new job that they had money for food and other basics. They had given him a job at the security centre where he was to improve the system so no one could easily hack it again. Kyungsoo was not there and neither was Minseok. Ever since they had visited Junmyeon, Minseok had turned even more distanced and reserved. Jongdae got up and opened the bedroom door slowly. He walked down the narrow corridor and took the creaky stairs down, in the kitchen he grabbed the next knife and walked into the living room which was empty as well. The small house had improved since Kenta had gotten his job. He had bought a proper sofa to sleep on and there was no dust and broken furniture lying around anymore. Jongdae held his breath and listened hard, then just as he was convinced he had only imagined it he heard it again. It came from the bathroom, a muffled and terrible sound. Jongdae hurried over to the bathroom and tried to wrench the door open but it was locked.
“Minseok?” he called and banged against the door. The muffled sounds of pain immediately stopped.
“Minseok, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Did something happen? Minseok! Or is that Kyungsoo?” Jongdae called. “Minseok, please”, he said again.
His hands were trembling against the door as he dropped the knife.
“Is it because of Junmyeon’s therapy? Is it painful? Is it the side effects? Please, let me in. Please”, he begged.
He waited but it stayed completely silent behind the bathroom door. He sighed and turned around. He leaned his back against the door.
“Do you want me to go away? You haven’t talked to me for a week, Minseok”, Jongdae said. There was a soft click and he almost fell when the door opened. Minseok was standing there, dripping wet, a towel wrapped around his hips. He was pale.
“I didn’t want to block the bathroom”, Minseok said hoarsely.
“Are you alright?” Jongdae asked. Minseok nodded. “Sure”.
But his hands were shaking badly and he had a hard time hiding that he could hardly stand. Jongdae stepped into the bathroom and closed the door. He grabbed another towel that was lying on the cupboard and put it around Minseok’s shoulders.
“I’m fine!” Minseok called. Jongdae took a step back at the sudden outburst, he had never seen Minseok lash out against the guards in person but he knew that Minseok was way stronger than him and could easily hurt him.
“You don’t look like it”, Jongdae said quietly, leaning against the cupboard. Minseok’s face immediately switched to anger.
“Oh really? That is the damn problem! All this does is drain my energy to put up with anyone”, Minseok shouted.
“You can stop the treatment, right? Junmyeon said you can stop it if you don’t want to continue”, Jongdae said. Minseok turned around suddenly and had grabbed Jongdae’s collar before he could even see it coming. Jongdae was shoved hard against the cupboard.
“Everyone told us it is better to feel like a human, no one said it was so terrible. They called us cruel but it was them who held us captive and tortured us. Is it because it hurts so much to be human? If I really have the opportunity to choose, I’d rather be like I used to be. I do not want to feel anything, I’d rather be indifferent than feel all this crap”, Minseok hissed.
“Well, you’re right”, Jongdae whispered.
“Is that why you were against the treatment? You wanted to protect me from this misery?” Minseok asked with a sneer.
“Yes and also”, Jongdae said and looked away which was hard because Minseok was still holding him.
“Also because I can handle your indifference for me but I cannot see you suffer like this”, Jongdae said. Minseok looked at him, he furrowed his brows and then let go of him. They were quiet for a long time and then finally they silently agreed to leave the sticky bathroom. Jongdae put the knife back into the kitchen which Minseok did not comment on.
They went upstairs where Minseok got dressed, then they sat in the bedroom at the open window.
“Since when?” Minseok broke the silence. Jongdae flinched.
“Huh?” he asked. Minseok looked at him.
“Since when are you in love with me?” he asked.
Jongdae pressed his lips into a thin line and looked away. He jumped again when he felt something on his neck. When he turned he saw how Minseok was very carefully over neck. When he pulled his hand back Jongdae saw blood on his fingertips.
“I’m sorry”, Minseok said quietly.
“It doesn’t hurt, I didn’t even realise I was hurt”, Jongdae brushed it off.
“Junmyeon warned me that I might experience mood swings. I thought I would turn into a weak cry baby from time to time, I didn’t expect it would throw me back to the person I used to be. I am more like my 10 year old self, I was always so angry, impulsive. I didn’t want to hurt you, I never wanted that”, Minseok said. Jongdae didn’t know what to say.
“Do you think it will get better over time?” Jongdae asked.
“I don’t know”, Minseok muttered, wiping the blood from his fingertips.
“Why did you even want that treatment?” Jongdae asked.
“To confirm something”, Minseok answered looking out the window.
“What? Just to confirm something? Don’t tell me to confirm that you are really human because you should know that you are and you were before that treatment. You shouldn’t change yourself for others”, Jongdae said. Minseok looked at him.
“That’s not it”, Minseok said.
“What is it then?” Jongdae asked.
“I wanted to know what I would feel if I were able to feel like everyone else”, Minseok said. Jongdae opened his mouth.
“What kind of confirmation is that?” he asked.
“The way you would see me, the way I would see you. I wanted to know whether it would change”, Minseok said then. Jongdae frowned.
“What do you mean?” he asked. His heart skipped a beat, he could not tell what Minseok was thinking. Minseok rubbed his temples and shook his head.
“Forget it”, he muttered.

Jongdae slid closer and pulled Minseok’s hands away from his face. He knew he shouldn’t, he had sworn himself to leave it behind but he could not resist. He touched Minseok’s cheek and trailed over his jaw line, he leaned in but reminded himself he could not and pulled back. He hesitated because Minseok did not move, his yellow eyes were watching him calmly and so he just kissed him. He moved his lips very gently against Minseok’s and he could hardly breathe from excitement and nervousness. Then he felt how Minseok’s lips parted and the gasp that escaped him was swallowed by Minseok. Minseok had never kissed him back but now his lips moved with Jongdae’s. For a few glorious moments he felt like flying or dreaming, then he pulled back and opened his eyes. But it was true, Minseok was sitting right in front of him, so close to him. He was looking back at him.
“Your heart is beating really fast”, Minseok murmured. Jongdae almost laughed. “Of course it is”.
Minseok’s hand was pressed gently against Jongdae’s chest.
Minseok closed his eyes and he saw them razor-sharp. The memories. The beeping sound of the machine behind him, the cables stuck to his head and chest, Jongdae who pulled them all off him, hectically looking over his shoulder, his warm hands, how Jongdae leaned over the monitor and manipulated the data, when he kissed him for the first time. Quickly, breathless, fear in his eyes.

“I thought I could start this treatment and learn to live an ordinary life”, Minseok said. “You lived here before, to you it was returning home. But I have no home, I don’t know how to forget the things I have done and seen. Letting me feel things, makes them worse”, Minseok said quietly and pulled his hand back.
“I was already wondering when you would want to leave the city because of that”, Jongdae said.
“I don’t know where to go or what I would do then. There is no purpose to my life, no reason for me to exist. I was a study object, an experiment. Once the experiment is over what do you need that object for then?” Minseok asked.
“Don’t say that”, Jongdae said horrified. But Minseok wasn’t listening.
“Once we came to this city and lived here for a while we all understood that. I asked Junmyeon about my brother and Kyu’s sister”, Minseok said.
“You – you have a brother? And Kyu has a sister?” Jongdae asked puzzled.
“The first one, number one. Luhan, he was my brother. And number two, she was Kyu’s sister. They both lived in the city, Kyu’s sister died very early on. In their eyes she was a failure because she could not speak and she never showed any reactions. But she was a very talented artist, I saw her pictures in Junmyeon’s home. I needed to know how they lived in the city, what they had been doing. If they had a purpose outside of the experiment then I could have too”, Minseok said. Jongdae looked at him tensely.
“Is that the confirmation you had been looking for?” Jongdae asked. Minseok half nodded half shrugged.
“And what had they been doing?” Jongdae asked although he did not want to ask. Minseok talking about them in past tense could mean nothing good.
“Kyu’s sister was found dead just a week after she had been brought to the city. My brother lived in the city for 7 years, he was called a prince. He got everything he wanted, he was just never allowed to leave the house. He was held a prisoner just the way we had been, he had never left the experiment. He was just the remarkable evidence and example that it was possible for people like us to live amongst others without killing everyone off”, Minseok said.
“But what happened then?” Jongdae asked. Minseok shrugged.
“He committed suicide, just a week before we broke into the city. That’s all Junmyeon told me about them”. Jongdae grabbed Minseok’s arm.
“Living isn’t easy and not everyone who is living their life until the end has a purpose. People who have a purpose want to die. A purpose can be a burden, a very heavy burden to carry. So don’t throw away your life because you cannot see a life outside the prison and the experiment you had been locked up in just yet”, Jongdae said.
“Why lead a life without a purpose? What do you do with your life if there is no purpose?” Minseok asked. Jongdae clenched his hand around Minseok’s arm.
“I fought for you, I did everything to get you out of there! I wanted you to be free, I wanted you to live and to live long. If you want a purpose, here it is! Fulfil the purpose I gave you when I helped you escape from the camp”, Jongdae called.
“You are so upset again”, Minseok muttered and loosened Jongdae’s grip on his arm. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry before”.

Jongdae turned away and wiped away his tears. He was angry at himself, Minseok was right. It had to be years since he had let himself go that much.
“I didn’t say anything hurtful to you. Why are you crying?” Minseok asked. Jongdae turned around and grabbed Minseok’s shirt.
“Because I am angry!” Jongdae called. “Because it is unbearable”. Minseok looked confused.
“I’m sick and tired of pretending”, Jongdae whispered.
“Pretending what?” Minseok asked.
“Pretending that everything I’ve seen doesn’t cause me nightmares. Pretending that I am okay. Pretending that I don’t love you or that I can live with it. I can’t, I can’t do it. When you started the treatment there was this stupid little bit of hope that you could feel the same. But I was just so stupid”, Jongdae burst out and then his words got lost.
“Then stop pretending”, Minseok said. Jongdae took a shaky breath.
“Minseok, it isn’t that easy”, he said exhausted. Minseok opened his mouth.
“Jongdae, I want to try it”, he said.
Jongdae frowned. “Huh?”

Happy Easter!
Also: Happy Kaisoo Reunion ^^

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what you think of Kyungsoo's and Jongin's reunion and the Xiuchen development!

Oh I'm sorry for leaving you with this open scene at the end... what could Minseok be talking about? 

I know this story is a very slooow-burn fic but the more happy I am to see those who are still sticking around and continue to read it:
Really thank you, I appreciate your comments, your subscription and upvotes! It means a lot to me ♥