Christmas season should be merry, but why am I sulking? 

Why am I torturing my self?

I'd been avoiding you by being with you most of the time. I'd been silencing your sounds by listening to our favorite songs. I'd been hiding my crying heart by making you laugh. I'd been trying to move on... For something that didn't even exist.

Its because of you, the one and only person that can make me feel all sorts of emotions in one glance. 

"My princess".

We were friends back then, but we are not the best of friends. In our group, you were closer to someone else, and me as well. So how did it happen that we became inseparable?

Guess, the saying, birds of the same feathers flock together is real. We discovered that we are the same... In a way. When you look at me, its pretty 
obvious, with my short hair and my style, a stranger could have been mistaken my gender if  not only because of my girly name. But with you, everything seems feminine... Though I already sense it the first time I felt your presence. You know, the gay radar, but I ignored it thinking, it could malfunction sometimes. 

It started at our usual hangout night with our group in which, fortunately, a misfortune came. Our friends had emergency so they wasn't able to come with us so it was only you and me. We still pursued though. And that usual once a week group hangout turned out to be a daily routine but just for the two of us. We would just eat and sleep on the dimly lighted park and we would stay until the guards will tell us to leave.

I told you my stories about my past relationships and you would tell me yours. The difference was that I had many but short lived; you had few but lasted for so long. That time, I just ended up my long distance relationship that just lasted for about a month, while you had been mending your heart for more than a year for a relationship that lasted for like 3 times that long. What's our common denominator? Both of our past relationship is with a female. And maybe that's why you think I can understand you more than anyone else.

You would seek for my advice on how I move on easily, and I would be more than glad to help you. That's how I thanked you for helping me when I first got here. I felt like an alien and I don't belong, but because of you, I felt at home in our group and everyone in the company. 

At first, it wasn't a big deal, I had always been a love adviser, though, I had a lot of failed relationships which made me doubt love itself. But the more you tell me how much you loved and still loving this someone, the more I learn that true love exists, and I could olnly wish that I have someone like you to love me too. That's when I promised you, " mark my words, I will have a girlfriend soon enough." You would just laugh at my silliness and I would laugh back. 

There's one time that this someone visited you. I guess you had agreed on going home together this night. I understand that you were still friends and you don't want it to end. Our friends seems to know her though, and pretty chill around her. Being the only person who doesn't know her personally, I'd let you talk while I'm being out of place. Observing her, she's subtle, and kind, I could tell she's a good person, I can't blame you for loving her deeply. But in the back of my mind, I was thinking, her behavior is almost the complete opposite of mine, and I want to smack my self for comparing myself to her.

She rode the same car with our group. I don't know what you were talking about but it seems to me that you suddenly become mad. I looked at how her finger draw circles to the fist you're beginning to form. And somehow, that calmed you down. I wonder how that simple gesture could have a big impact to you. I just watch you... Unknowingly, your closest friend in our group watch me... As I watch you. 

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I thought, I'm just being envious, but no... I was beginning to be infatuated to you without me noticing. I didn't know, I was staring at you for too long. I didn't know I was beginning to feel jealous when someone steals your attention away from me. I didn't know I was beginning to form the heavy load inside of me that I'll soon discover as my love for you. I'm so oblivious, that the closest people around us is more aware than I am. I learned that when we had our little hangout with our group and other friends in the company, one of our guy friends told me, "take care of her."  I know he is overprotective to you, for he is like your big brother, but why of all the people, why me? Its not like we are best friends.

That question was answered during our group's trip home after a tiring work. We were laughing hard from jokes that were thrown out of nowhere when suddenly your closest friend, asked something to you, ironically that question answered mine. "Do you have any plans of getting back together?" She asked you. That moment, I swear, I felt my chest being poked by thousand needles. The December chills is seeping through my jacket like I wear nothing at all. All I wanted to do was to get out of the car, ran to bed, sleep and forget about it.

Why? Because, I thought, I was the only one who you confide your problems to. Apparently, it was already known by everyone, and I was the only one left behind. I hurt myself for assuming I was special.

"You know, we can't" you answered her. You wanna know why I am not happy to hear that? Because it means 'you want' but you just simply 'can't'. You both love each other but because of this homophobic country we are in, you CAN'T.

And that hurt me more. If you, who are in love with each other, can't, then what more this one sided love-near-to-impossiblity-affair? Simple. WE CAN'T.

I swear, I tried to eliminate this feelings the best way that I can. But how? We were together the whole day, almost everyday of the week. And I just can't simply ignore you or everyone will get suspicious.

Time passes as Christmas get nears, I can hear the tick of the time bomb that was about to explode, and I know you can sense it too. My cover is slowly pulling away and it gets harder and harder to conceal. 

Until that night. Another Christmas shopping with our group came, and yes! Life is just so good to me for there was this misfortune again. Our group mates ditched us again for they are 'busy' with their individual scheds. That's when you get the chance to ask me if there is something wrong. To be honest, I want to take this secret out. I want to breath freely again, that I can only do if the words I'd been trying to mask, will finally be unveiled. 

But I'm afraid. 

To be fair, I told you, but I replaced your name with my ex's. You know I'm good at diversion but I'm not a liar. And I guess you already know me too well for you know when I tried to lie. Being the persistent princess that you are, you kept on bugging me. You're were being too importunate that I almost snap!

"Tell me, who is she!" You asked me, for the nth time tonight. Now I regret of telling it to you.

"I already told you who she is."

"No, I have this feeling that I know her." You said, with that, I know you already knew.

"I don't want our friendship to be stained." I said 

"Try me." You suddenly became commanding. You stared at me as if you were burning my eyes with your ice glare. 

Usually with our staring game, I always win, but this time, I know, I already lost even before the game started. 

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"Its you."