(Seol ah)

After all the things that happened this morning.  I had so many things to think about. Especially after being this close to death. I can't believe I did that. It's true that I have no more reason to be alive but starting from this moment, I'm gonna leave all these depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts behind and focus on my own success. I know that my parents and best friend are watching me from wherever they are right now so I have to make them proud of me. As for my so-called friends, I'll make them regret looking down on me. From this moment on, I'm going to be the best version of myself and a successful person no matter what. 

I looked in the mirror, I cut my long hair into a medium length bob with short bangs (mom has thought me to cut my own hair when I was younger so I never go to a hairdresser), I did my  makeup (I barely put any makeup on), and put on a little black skirt with a light pink sweater and my all time favourite black long boots. 

It's been a long time since I felt this good about myself, I'm more confident than ever. Even though deep down, I still feel so bad about all what happened but I'm not gonna rush things up. I'm gonna give myself all the time I need to get over this. But I'm not going to let anyone see my weaknesses. 

I looked in the mirror once again then closed my eyes.

"Thank you, thank you so much for letting me live today and giving me another chance. I know everything happens for a reason. And I must still be alive for a reason. Whatever that reason is, I'm really thankful and  I'll do my best to make my life worth living." 

(Myungsoo) 

....this letter... It's a suicide note... do I even have the right to read it... 

So many thoughts have been running through my head.

I'm just gonna read it.

I slowly opened the letter.

<< Dear whoever is reading this,

I'm so sorry to get you involved in this and thank you for not just ignoring this notebook and walking away. I know this sounds crazy but I'll probably be dead when you're going to be reading this letter. In case you were wondering why I did what I did. I'll just answer all your questions with a simple sentence. I had no reason to stay alive. I hope you're not like me. 

The reason why I'm writing this is that I couldn't get rid of this black notebook you're now holding in your other hand. It's so precious to me. It's my diary. But it's not just any other diary, It has pictures that I took this past 2 and half years. And each picture represents a really special event of my life, It has some really precious memories of mine, and it also has some pictures of the dearest people to me, which I'm supposed to be with right now. You don't really have to read it, but instead, I'll ask you a favor. Please take a good care of it. I couldn't think of any safe place to leave it in. Hopefully, you do. I don't know who you are, how you look or how old are you, but I'm pretty sure you're a nice person since you're still reading this long meaningless letter, It would have been amazing if we could be friends, you'd be my only friend... But I guess we cannot, since I'm already gone. Anyway, thank you so much for reading this, and I'd like to thank you in advance for willing to take a good care of my diary, I really appreciate it. 

Eun Seol ah.>>

After reading this letter, I felt like I want to get to know her even more, I hope she's doing well.. 

I quickly went back to the dorm, Hoya was watching tv, Woohyun playing on his phone, Sungyeol was still sleeping, while the other members went out for lunch.

I wasn't hungry so I quickly went to my room to read that mysterious diary without any interruption. The more I read the more I get amazed by all the common things we share, I felt like she would understand me more than anyone else would. We even share the same hobbies. She likes taking photos, and according to all the photos that I've seen, I can say that she is incredibly talented. Reading her diary felt like getting into a whole new world, I wouldn't mind living in that world forever, despite all the series of unfortunate events that she has gone through, she could still manage to see the brightest side of the things, I hope that what happened today made her have second thoughts. 

While I was so into reading that magical notebook, someone suddenly bumped into my room which startled me. 

What are you doing? You still haven't gotten ready yet? Sunggyu whimpered.

What for? I asked with a toneless voice.

We have another meeting with Seol ah and her teacher after an hour, remember?  He sarcastically said.

AFTER AN HOUR? I looked at my phone and it was already 3:55 pm, I must have lost track of time. 

Is she really going to come? I asked with a surprised expression

Why wouldn't she?  Myungsoo yah! stop asking too many questions and go get ready, we're running out of time. He complained

I hid the notebook in a safe place and quickly got ready.

(Seol ah)

I took the bus heading to Woollim entertainment after getting some painkillers from the pharmacy, I have a really terrible stomachache and headache from all the pills that I took in the morning. I hope these painkillers will do a good job, I should be strong, I cannot let this get in the way of the goals that I have set. 

As I got closer to the room, I could hear everyone talking. The boys must have already arrived. I've never felt this nervous before. "Be strong Seol ah, you have a long way to go and this is your first step. Remember, it's either now or never." I took a deep breath as I opened the door. 

As soon as I entered, everyone's eyes widened. They suddenly stopped talking and looked at me as if that was the very first time they'd see me. 

(Myungsoo)

All the guys were talking about random things while I was zoning out, thinking " will she really come? she must still be in pain. Since the moment I met her, this girl keeps surprising me "

They all stopped talking when someone opened the door and came in, I looked up to see what I couldn't believe. 

Is that girl really Eun Seol ah? I couldn't believe what I just saw. And so did everyone according to their shocked faces. 

Our manager came in right after her along with the music's teacher. They all complimented her gorgeous new look while all I did was staring at her. She sat right next to me, so I decided to at least say something to her. 

"Are you okay?" I asked

She looked at me with a quizzical look, and before she could say anything. 

 " Tod-... No... Um.. yesterday, you didn't look okay yesterday"  I said .

"I'm feeling much better, thanks for your concern." She smiled. 

"Oh... I'm sorry for acting the way I did yesterday, I didn't mean to be rude."  She added.

I didn't say anything, I just smiled back at her. 

We then started discussing our next album's concept while she suggested spending some time with each member for the sake of presenting the concept from different sides depending on each member's point of view. The concept was "Man in love" 

Our manager loved her idea and accepted her suggestion right away. Which made me even more amazed. She's working so hard and giving so many ideas while she has just been in the hospital a few hours ago. This girl is really something. 

(Seol ah)

I finally went back to my apartment feeling super exhausted. Today was a really long day.  The painkillers did a  good job though, I'm glad everything went so well.

I lied down and closed my eyes when his picture suddenly appeared on my mind.  The way he smiled at me, the way he looked at me... With all the things that happened these last few days, I totally forgot that I had a crush on him as a celebrity. And now that I actually met him, I don't even know how to feel about that. He's been so nice to me today, I still cannot forget the way he asked me if I'm okay, it made me feel like he knew everything... I don't really know why I felt that way but he seemed really worried about me, which made me feel a bit suspicious. But still, there's no way he'd know what happened to me. I'm probably just overreacting.  

As the sun goes down. My depression comes back, I can't stop thinking about all these nights I spent talking to my best friend on the phone until I fall asleep. Despite the time difference between the two countries, she'd stay awake just to talk to me and listen to me telling her all the details about my days. I'm feeling so lonely tonight that I can't even sleep. I hope things get better as time goes by.