Kibum looked up as soon as the door began to open. His boyfriend smiled wide at him before slipping off his robe and placing it and his towel on the closed toilet seat. “You left me some hot water right?”

He paused in looking at him to spit in the sink and put his toothbrush in the bowl, “Of course Babe.”

Kibum didn’t wait for the other man to say anything, just slipping out of the room and softly closing the door behind him. He was about to go into the kitchen to get him a drink when he heard his cell phone ringing in their bedroom. He froze because no. That ringtone shouldn’t be playing. That ringtone was for someone that wouldn’t call him after all this time. That ringtone was for someone that he hadn’t heard say a single word in over a year. That didn’t stop him from rushing to answer the phone. He didn’t slide his finger over the green phone until he left the bedroom, closed the door, and walked into his study. The door was quickly pushed closed.

When he finally answered the call there was silence on the other line for a moment, only the soft sound of shuddered breathing. Then Kibum heard the man, “I didn’t think you’d answer… I.. Hello Kibum.”

Kibum didn’t know what to say, but he knew he had to say something. He decided that speaking with his heart was about a good of choice as any. “I never thought I’d hear you talk to me again.”

“It has been awhile.”

The other man’s voice was soft, filled with an emotion Kibum couldn’t quite place as he asked, “Sugar, why are you calling me so late?” All that could be heard were soft sniffles and the rush intake of breath, and he knew the other man well enough to know what it meant. “Hey… why are you crying? Are you okay?”

There was soft rustling as if the man on the other line was shifting against sheets. “I know after.. after everything that’s happened between us I shouldn’t turn t-to you, but ever since I met you in High school Kibum… you’ve always been there for me when I needed you. Habits die hard I guess.” Soft sniffles and a quiet mocking laugh. “I’m sorry I called you.”

Kibum knew the man wasn’t one to talk about his feelings, not right out. Knowing that he ventured to ask, “Remember that night during your senior year of high school, and your parents were fighting and you broke down on the phone to me?”

“Y-yeah. You were the first person I thought of calling.”

“And I rushed over remember? I stayed on the phone with you the entire way and yet you never had a clue I was coming.”

There was a soft breathy chuckle and then a sniffle, “Yeah… you tossed pebbles at my window as you sprouted incorrect Shakespeare at me.”

“We went to the park remember? We sat by the pond and you were so happy to just toss some of my birds food at the ducks.”

“I was just happy to be in your arms Bummie.” At the silence, he received the other man quickly said, “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t apologize. There’s a reason I remember things like that. I do. All the time.”

“Do you? Have you ever dreamed of me?”

“Just every night for the first 3 months after the breakup. I kept waking up in a cold sweat expecting to have you in my arms… and having the right side of the bed completely empty.” Kibum sighed and ran his hand through his still damp hair. “I still do now. Dreams of memories I’ve tried so hard to not think about during the day.”'

The other man was silent for a moment before he whispered, voice happy but having an underlying emotion Kibum couldn’t place at first. He quickly realized it was disbelief. “You kept the right side open?”

“That was your side. I couldn’t even think to sleep on it.” After a soft laugh he admitted, “I sleep on it now… only because I couldn’t have anyone but you sleep there.”

“You were always very adamant about me having the right side.”

“Your right shoulder always hurt and I knew how you loved to be held from the back. Of course, I’d always give you the right side.”

“Do they know you’re talking to me?”

“I.. No. He doesn’t.”

“He’s probably waiting for you and I don’t want to cause an argument.”

“But I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“Bummie I’m your past. I ruined us. I don’t want to ruin something that seems to make you happy. You sound happy Kibum.”

“Sometimes I get out our old photobooks and just flip through them. Especially when I have a dream about you and I can’t sleep.”

“Don’t say that to make me feel better.”

“I’m not. God. You were my first love. You owned my first kiss, the first person to hold my hand that wasn’t my mother. You.. you were my first in everything. What happened to us wasn’t your fault. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and not say the things I said. To stop us from fighting…. Winning an argument shouldn’t have made us lose each other.”

“Are you saying that you’ve missed me?”

“Why wouldn’t I miss you? I was with you for almost 9 years, known you for more. You were in my life for almost half my life. You can’t expect me not to miss waking up to you, to have you when I get home.”

“I think I miss you a little too much though Kibum.”

“How so?”

“It’s effecting my life.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over 6 months now. He got angry and we had an argument because… I couldn’t have with him Bummie.” A sound of glass shattering came through the phone before the man hissed. “.”

“Is the argument why you’re crying? Did he hurt you?”

“No he didn’t lay a hand on me, and the argument left me a little shaken up but that’s not why. I can’t have with him because he isn’t you Bummie.” A pause for a rush of breath, “It’s been 9 months. I should be able to move on. I should be able to have and have a happy relationship. I know you have why wouldn’t you, but I can’t even go further than making out because all I think of is you and that he’s not you and that you’re the only one who’s ever had that part of me 4 and that he doesn’t deserve it at all and I can’t tell him any of this because I don’t talk about you. Talking about you brings memories back and feelings and I just want it the way it was but I can’t. He threw a chair at the wall because I pushed him away when he moved to take off my pants. I want to want him, but Kibum. All I ever want is you and I just want to stop wanting you as much as I do but I can’t. I feel broken and I can’t fix myself. Most people can pick up the pieces and put themselves together again but I haven’t been able to. I know I can’t do it. No matter how hard I try. You were always there to do it for me.”

“Oh Sugar~”

“I still love you.” The other man’s voice cracked in the middle of his confession. The emotion present in his voice, the sound, and the pure desperation he could felt through it all made Kibum feel like he just got hit square in the chest with a wrecking ball. “I still drink stupid americano out of my mug because we always used to and you got me addicted to it. I still use your stupid shampoo because I couldn’t sleep because your side of the bed stopped smelling like you. I haven’t moved that ing ugly lamp you just loved when we moved in. It’s still right there by the couch. I couldn’t even bring myself to remove all your stuff you left here from their place. Like those Disney movies we always used to watch that you left here. And that one leather jacket I bought you for your birthday. I keep wanting to wear it because it smells like you but if I did it wouldn’t anymore and I... I’m trying to live my life without you but I can’t because you’re intertwined with my very existence… And you’ve moved on. You’re living with someone new and living your life without me and I don’t know what hurts more. The fact you’ve moved on or that your heart has forgotten me.”

“Oh baby, I could never ever forget you.” He heard a rushed breath, and he tried to ignore the deep ache in his heart as he heard his ex almost sobbing on the phone. “There’s a reason sometimes I wish he was you. There’s a reason I still have my half of our matching cups. I still have the necklace you gave me that night before you went off to college and I never take it off. I.. I guess we never really moved on.”

There was soft rustling, a quiet grunt and the man’s voice was slightly muffled as he asked, “What color is your hair?”

Kibum let out a snort as he wiped his eyes. “Only you would ask that after that type of conversation, but black. I have it like I used to in college.”

“Shaved on the side?”

“Both. It’s longer though. You’d like it.”

“It was you who loved my long hair.”

“You sound sleepy.”

After a soft chuckle, “You know what crying does to me.”

Kibum frowned, “How long were you crying before you called me?”

“30 minutes or so?” The man sighed, “2 hours. Most of it was spent staring at my phone. You’re still under Buttercup.”

Heh. “Your ringtone is still our song.” After a moment he continued, “You’ll always be my Sugar.”

“Kibum!!”

“Ah.. is that him?”

“Yeah… I don’t want to go though.”

“Goodnight Buttercup.”

“Goodnight. Sleep well Jinki.”

“My name is still only beautiful when you say it.”

Kibum smiled softly, “Sleep well Sugar.”

Jinki hummed and mumbled soft words too quiet for him to catch. Kibum whispered, “I love you Jinki.” Before ending the call. He was setting the phone on the table when the door behind him pushed open.

“Babe? Oh there you are! You coming to bed?”

Kibum quickly wiped his eyes and turned with a smile, “Yea sure.”

He grabbed his phone, stood up and hooked his arm around his boyfriend’s waist. “Who was that on the phone? I heard you talking in here.”

Woohyun went to climb into the bed as Kibum closed the door. There was a dreamy kind of smile on his face as he answered.“Oh just my old best friend.”