004

Old Habits

 

     Baekhyun stared at the papers on his desk with dropped eyelids, the banging of his nerves wreaking havoc on his concentration. He puffed out his cheeks and tried to shake his head out of it, then attempted to disregard the pain by venturing further into his work. Gripping the pencil with forced strength, he continued his blueprint with the lead of whatever still worked in his mind.      Just as his focus was close to shifting, he heard a clash echo throughout the room that caused him to jolt right up. He whipped his head back to see what had happened, but a white flash blazed through his head and he found Filib right in front of him, lying on the ground with blood spilling out of his lips and through the bullet in his head. If that wasn’t horrifying enough, he also saw the woman--Moyra-- turning her head at him in such a violent manner that he held his breath in an instant. She was looking right at him, an unpleasant promise coloring her eyes.      An, “I’m sorry!” from one of his coworkers cracked through the images in front of him as he was brought back to the present. Blinking as sweat cascaded down the side of his forehead, he jerked his neck all around the small space of his cubicle, scanning with such urgency that he didn’t even notice the heft of his breathing. He ached to relieve himself, though, to acknowledge that it was a false alarm, but his heart had dropped and his hands were a shaking frenzy. Cursing, he stood up and could barely catch himself as he sped to the bathroom.      Baekhyun sprawled his hands over the sink and tried to control the rapid beating of his heart. He was taking in and giving out way too fast as his body seemed to get hotter, and all he could do was rip his tie off and his collar with trembling, uncontrollable fingers. The lights then flickered before his eyes and all he could hear were the sounds of gunshots. Firing one after the other.      Dropping onto the ground, he closed his eyes and pressed his hands against his ears, unable to handle all of this excruciating pressure. Somehow, that made the noises grow louder so he removed his hands and curled them into tight fists. He continued squeezing, continued pressing, continued tightening all parts of his body until the sounds and the sights began to fade away. After minutes of trying to get a hold of himself, he managed to open his eyes and released his fists with the slowest movements he could muster.      He slumped his head back against the wall, arms draped over his bent knees. What a routine this had been. All week long he would experience all of these dreadful sensations; they jumped out of his nightmares and creeped into his reality as if they had belonged there. He could barely sleep, let alone control all of these attacks.      He had to grab a hold of himself, he knew that, and he was disgusted at how weak he was. Pulling himself to stand up, he stared at the palms of his hands. They were marked with the shape of his nails as blood began to drip from them, the feeling going numb from how hard he had drilled them. He felt a shiver go down his back as an array of remembrances flew past his head at the sight. Old habits die hard.      Turning on the faucet, he washed off the blood and gave himself a hard look in the mirror. You idiot! Stop being so weak! This isn’t what you came here for! And he made use of the words as a mantra while the day progressed.



       Baekhyun would lie if he said he had made any progress. Although he forced himself to get to work, he hadn’t produced anything pleasing nor did he have the energy to spark any possible inspiration. Aileen, however, came to put him out of his misery by reminding him that they had to leave in five minutes. He had completely forgotten about the gallery.      Shoving his folders into his suitcase, he tried to leave without anyone noticing, for having both him and the CEO leave at the same time may seem suspicious. It could be all in his head, but he wanted to do at least one thing right that day.      Aileen’s SUV was in the parking lot behind the company so he approached it with caution, looking around every inch of the area before crossing. Aileen was inside, clicking the air away with the ePen, which meant she had been looking at a hologram. Baekhyun couldn’t see it because of the privacy option embedded within the ePen, but he knew that she was probably reading over emails.      “Hey,” she swiped the ePen down and ended the programming. “How are you?” She leaned in and they met in the middle, a peck sent from one to the other.      She started the engine and began to drive as he spoke. “Well, no one came in threatening you with a gun today, so I’m great.” Aileen gave him a look for a split second, lips crooked and head tilted at an angle, before turning back to the road.      Baekhyun didn’t want the rest of the way to end in silence, for the sake of the demons in his head, so he conjured up another topic, something he probably should have addressed before then. “Actually, there is something bothering me.” He spoke and captured her full attention as she made a left turn.      “And what’s that?”      “I haven’t been by your side since the accident happened and… I’m sorry.” He had been so terrible at this, and he was aware of it. This whole concept of being in a relationship boggled him. He could not figure out the right way to go about it, the right way to be a suitable partner. When he met Aileen, he only had one goal in mind, and actually going through all of these steps was harder than he thought it would be.      “It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize.” She exited the freeway and weaved through two streets, then entered the lot of Summerhall. When she parked, she looked at Baekhyun. “I haven’t been all that supportive either. Things like this just need time, and sometimes distance does the trick.” Baekhyun thought she had a point. He hadn’t been the one to approach others in times of distress, and it just happened to be that Aileen hadn’t either. The only difference being that Aileen seemed to recharge on her own, whereas Baekhyun had been crumbling into bits and pieces. Regardless, he was relieved that she was understanding, to say the least.      “I suppose you’re right. I just… thought you may have been upset because of it.” Letting out a small huff of amusement, Aileen leaned in and gave him another peck on the lips. “I’m the CEO of one of the biggest multinational technology companies in the United Kingdom. I don’t get upset that easily.”      “Lucky me, then.” He joked to the best of his abilities, to which she chuckled.      They then descended and entered the 18th century styled building. It had been quite the size, and the interior was even more impressive. A chandelier hung high and proud in the middle of the entrance hall, emitting the light of what seemed to be the sun in comparison to the night sky that they had