Harin didn’t necessarily like to make friends. But she could do so easily. Maybe it was just me, but after I was finished serving out our various pasta dishes, I saw her talking to Jiyong. Sometimes, it irritated me how nonchalantly she could be about befriending people. Well, she’s not looking at him like you are. I blinked and looked away. Ugh… An issue about being a twin was that some people felt obligated to befriend them both at the same time. Harin had her own high school friends, but I didn’t really have that. I wanted my own friends too, but I just wasn’t the type of person to connect like that… The church began to depart, after speaking a prayer and heading out back on the road.

“Hey, Chaerin. Dad.” Harin called, gesturing to Jiyong, “Is it alright if Jiyong comes with us? He says it’s dangerously crowded in Linda’s van.” He was looking at me. As if I was driving, man. When did they get so close?

I smiled, “I don’t mind.”

“Sure.” I sat up front. Harin and Jiyong sat in the back row. My nerves started to eat me. This felt like me; crushing on guys I just meet. I couldn’t help it.

“Do you mind if we listen to…K-Pop?” Harin chuckled.

Jiyong shook his head and smiled a little, “No, not at all. I don’t mind.” That was a relief.

I glanced back and asked, “Are you a junior?” A lot of teenagers at the church were…younger than Harin and I. But Jiyong didn’t necessarily look like that.

“Actually, I’m a senior.” He’s older than me… Ah damn it. I liked older guys. “I go to school in Bellevue.”

I blinked, “You live all the way over there and go to our church?” Westlake and our church, right behind our high school, was at least twenty minutes away by freeway. I’m sure there were other churches around the area or something… And I’ve never seen him around.

He chuckled in response, “My family is converting to Catholicism. My dad ended up on the board for this specific church. We were Protestant before. That’s why I have to attend the Confirmation retreat in February.” He said

“We’re doing that retreat too.” Harin said.

He smiled, “It’d be nice to see familiar faces.” That smile of his was cute.

My heart thumped a little louder than usual. When I turned around a bit more, I noticed Harin’s smirk and froze. What the Hell…? Did she invite him into our car because she knew I was looking at him? I blushed and turned away. Was I that obvious?

I said nothing more on the car ride back. Jiyong slept most of the time too. Looking at the wet road ahead, I told myself that I didn’t want a relationship, I just wanted a friend. I shouldn’t build up my expectations. I learned the hard way that doing that only made me suffer. And I didn’t want to suffer from unrealistic thoughts.

---

I stirred in bed. Harin smiled at me, “Sorry…did I wake you?” I nodded and sat up. My hand fumbled for my phone and I checked the time. It was late. Our rooms were side by side and relatively small, since they were part of our home’s newest extension. And we lived in a pretty…crowded household. So it wasn’t shocking for us to talk at night, with no one around or awake to hear us. But Harin has never came over to my room before. We usually just text or talk in bed. I rubbed my eyes to adjust and muttered, “What’s wrong…?”

She cleared , crossing her legs over my desk chair, “Um… Can we talk?”

What were we, dating? I hated that question. It made me uncomfortable, awkward and confused. But most of all, scared. Harin has never asked me that question before. In fact, we rarely talk about anything emotional or serious. It woke me up well. “What’s wrong?” I hissed, “You’re scaring me.”

Harin chuckled, “I also…called Jilin down.” Jilin? The three of us? That was new.

“Jilin?” As if on cue, our youngest sister popped my door open and plopped herself down on my bed. I raised a brow and kicked her, “Oi. This is my bed. Sit up.” My biggest pet-peeve was people messing up my bed or touching my stuff.

“Ugh. I’m tired. It’s…three in the morning.” She groaned quietly, rolling over, “Are we here for a secret meeting or something? Are we secretly spies?” My head was aching with her questions right now…

I snorted and laid my legs over her back, “Trust me, if we were spies, you’d be the last person we’d turn to. You clunk down the stairs like an elephant and your whispering is me talking normally.”

“Hey. I can be a totally good spy.” She snapped, “I can be quiet, and stealthy.” She whipped her head back and forth and smacked her face back into the mattress. Just looking at her made me think that I didn’t want her to change, ever… Her voice was muffled, “I can keep a secret—“

“I’m bi.”

“…”

“… I can keep…a secret…”

I don’t want to say that I expected it, because that sounds offensive even if I’m not trying to be. But…Harin’s relationships with women in her life are always special. Her female friends rely on her entirely to take care of them, understand them and be there for them. Those sorts of things can be expected out of any friendship. But with Harin…it was different. The vibes were different, and I could tell. The way she cares for some of those girls…as if they were the only one’s she cared about.

She started crying, making Jilin reach over and rub her back, “Why are you crying? Stop it.”

“I’m sorry.” All our lives, since we grew up as women, we were told that in our futures, we’d be marrying men. For Harin, I had a feeling that she was more attracted to women than men. Just…I figured she decided to tell us because she’s fallen in love with a woman before. And I know for a fact that

“Sometimes…I think I am too.” I said. It wasn’t a lie.

“Fangirling over BlackPink isn’t the same.” Harin chuckled. Damn, she caught me.

I sighed, “The point is…it’s fine. Don’t worry.”

She sniffled, “But…Dad—“

“Don’t listen to what Dad says.” I snapped back, “Dad is Dad… You can’t change him. But he won’t change you either, Harin…” I patted her head in the dark. I couldn’t look at her. Because when she cries, I cry, “Go back to bed… You’ll be alright.” We all went back to our rooms. But I couldn’t sleep that night.