“After you finish your final, you may leave the classroom.” Professor Ji called, handing out the thankfully thin sheets of paper, “I’ve enjoyed this quarter with you all and wish you the best in your future classes.” I wrote my name at the top, my eyes darting around to survey the questions in front of me. Stupid pre-calc and their imaginary numbers…, I didn’t study that section—“You may begin.” I glanced at the girl next to me. Did she have the same test or another version? I shook my head; I shouldn’t be cheating here. Didn’t matter anyway, she wouldn’t let me look off her paper.

I scribbled my nonsensical answers onto the paper, my fingers aching with my hurried writing. You know that indent you get when you write so much; the one on your middle finger? I’ve basically had that since pre-school, and it always hurt when I stress-wrote. Prof Ji was looking away, could I maybe…? “Don’t think about it, Chae.” She hissed.

I flinched back and covered my eyes, grumbling quietly to myself, “ you, Harin Lee.” Isn’t this why Mom gave birth to twins?

“How did you do?” She asked me afterwards, while we were waiting for the bus home.

I smiled at her and shrugged, “I totally bombed section 5.1. You?”

“I think I did pretty good.” She said, like always. I shifted my backpack around my shoulders and slumped. The sky was surprisingly blue today, despite the fall season. “Hey.” She called, smiling at me, “Tomorrow, I’m going to band practice, so go home without me.” My heart kind of sank but I told her I would. It might’ve been just me, but Harin has been focusing a lot on her percussion work in our high school band. It would be a lie if I said I didn’t feel…neglected.

“Hey.” I said, remembering something, “Don’t forget we offered to volunteer during winter break. That soup kitchen—“

“Yeah, yeah, I remember.” She tightened her ponytail and we shared a sigh. Volunteering was our thing, but to do it with a bunch of unfamiliar faces from church sounded…try-hard. Harin and I weren’t looking forward to being stuck in a group of our peers who have already created their own cliques. When you’re like us, unsociable high school juniors, making friends was difficult. It’d be nice to get to know someone.

“Bus is here.” We stood and walked over, pressing our Orca cards onto the transmitter and sitting down near the exit. “Chaerin.” Harin called beside me. I looked at her and she blinked, “You alright?”

How was I supposed to respond? Every time she asked that, I cried. It was just a question that broke my heart, reminding me of bitter days. “Mm…” I managed. I was probably more emotionally unstable than her. Harin could cry or yell at the drop of a hat, but all my remorse was buried deep within my body. Maybe it was a twin thing that she sensed it, or maybe she felt the same way, but I just wasn’t in the mood to get into an all-out talk on public transportation. Her saying something like that was very uncharacteristic anyway. Was she alright? Then again…I had nothing she had. It was probably out of pity.

The better grades, the tight circle of friends, the more ambitious future, the more likable personality—Harin had that. Despite me being the eldest of our sisters, I felt the most incompetent. My dreams have always been unrealistic and shameful. It was me who took on the brunt of our elders’ expectations. Me who could never openly say what I wanted to do when I grew up. Me who feared rejection and disappointment… Now that I was in Fast Pace, my college courses pressured me to really think about something…practical.

I stared at my sister. She’s always been certain and mature. I wanted that too. “Have you listened to the Big Bang album yet?” I randomly asked.

Harin chuckled and shook her head, “Not yet.”

“You should!”

“Shouldn’t you be focusing on that anime that’s discontinued?”

“, how dare you mock me?” Being a teenager was harder than I thought. These bus rides with my twin made me think. Another typical day in the life of Chaerin Lee—and I didn’t really like it.

---

“Wake up. We’re going to church.” I muttered. Harin stirred. Our youngest sister, Jilin, pretended not to hear me; her back turning towards me. And our cousins didn’t even bother to move. Maybe I’m the only one plagued by the need of approval from our elders, or maybe I’m the only one who could wake up at a reasonable time.

“Chaerin.” Mom called from downstairs, “Is everyone awake yet?”

I snorted and called back, “No. No one’s even opened their eyes yet.”

“Should I come up?”

“I got this.” Granted, I wasn’t an avid church-goer myself, but I at least put in my best as a CEO (Christmas Easter Only…). I didn’t like my cousins and sisters making me look like I was the odd one in the group. So I yanked the blankets off of them and said: “Wake up! Before I get water!”

Jessica rolled over again, groaning as she felt around for a blanket, “You’re bluffing…”

Jilin got up, her tall figure sauntering to the bathroom. Harin rolled over too, grabbing her glasses and her phone clumsily. I went into the bathroom and searched the cabinets under the sink. The tile was so cold. “You’re joking right…?” Chaeyoung called. I didn’t reply. “, I’m not gambling on it!” She pushed herself up. She leaned over my shoulder and watched me unscrew the cap to a spray bottle.

She opened the cold water tap for me and brought out her toothbrush. I went to wake up the others, passed out on the floor. “Ah! AH! CHAERIN LEE, you crazy—!” Jessica scrambled to cover herself as I squirted, crouching right by her face. She threw a blanket over me, “I’m up!” Krystal and Alice peeked underneath the covers, nervous.

“Are you getting up?”

“…Mm.” Krystal jumped over the couch. Alice rolled off, searching for her phone.

I the living room lights and sighed, “Merry Christmas Eve.”