Chapter 4

This is not for a show

(Part 2)

Is love worth the fears, the doubts, the risk, the tears and the pain? Are you willing to give your all even the one you are giving it to is someone who thinks she doesn't deserve anything? Are you willing to bear the pain of loving someone who is scared to fall, someone who would not want to risk, and would rather be alone on her own little world than be left in tears once again? Are you brave enough? Do you love her that much?

How would you make her feel your love if she thinks that every action you do is just nothing, is something that you probably do with everyone? How would you let her feel that she is not like everyone else to you? That she is somebody else? How would you let her know that you are there for her? How would you let her know you are there to love her?

Will you stay despite knowing that there might never be You and Her? 

Lisa's POV
Slowly, I am opening up with somebody else. And this time, it is not Ahjumma but Jennie. 
Ahjumma, the playground, my first love, Jennie knows them all now. And I am so glad to have her as someone that I can rely on. 

I've got a great family and I love them so much. But no matter how hard I try to convince my self to tell them that I am gay, I always end up saying that I shouldn't. My parents are both against homeual relationships. They respect the ones whom they meet but they always remind us that we should not be like them because according to them, it is some kind of sin. We were meant to fall in love with the opposite . That is the rule and everyone is oblige to follow. I tried to tell my heart to follow the rule but does love bounds itself to any rule? 

From what I have known and felt, love knows no boundaries....and will never limit itself. Love will always come and go on the least unexpected times of our lives whether we like it or not. 

We were riding the bike going back home when she suddenly talked.
"You must have been hurt deeply." I sensed some sadness on her voice.
"Uhm.. Yeah. It was quite painful but I had to let go you know?" I faked a smile.
"Did you really want to let her go?"
"No. I wanted her to stay but she chosed to lose me." I am starting to cry.
"But you could have stopped her. You could have stayed a bit longer and waited for her to comeback."
I stopped pedalling the bike.

"I stayed a bit longer. I waited a bit longer. But I had not seen any trace of her anymore. The last day I waited for her was the day I met Ahjumma. We both lost the ones we truly cared and loved, and then we found each other. The difference was, her son could never come back anymore. While I was just left behind. Huge difference with the lost but similar sadness that filled our lives."

I continued talking while crying.
"Ahjumma had a son who was almost as old as me. But he died. He used to play at the playground with Ahjumma before but that was also the place where she last spent their time together. Her son was a highschool student back then while Ahjumma used to sell some pancakes near the playground. Whenever her son's class was done, they would meet there and spend some time together to talk about what great things happened throughout their days. But one day..."
I was sobbing this time. 
"While he was so excited to go the swing where Ahjumma was, not able to see the approaching fast car, he was hit, right before Ahjumma's eyes."

"Ever since then, even after months that have passed after her son died, she continued to wait and stay right there."

She was trying to tell me it is fine and I should stop already. I was almost out of air but I continued.
"Just like them, me and my first love used to hangout there too. I have seen Ahjumma and her son quite a lot of times before together with Sorn."

"Sorn?" she asked curiously.

"Yes. Her name is Sorn."

"We both came from Thailand and we have been friends since we were kids. Being far away from home, we only got each other to rely on. The playground became our home."

Trying to throw some joke, she asked. "So it was yours and hers first, Ahjumma's and yours second.....so I was the last one or will there be another one after me?" 

I was about to answer but she added. "I was just joking. I am just trying to make you laugh."

But I answered in a very sincere tone. "I had no other one to choose from back then. I only had Sorn. But this time, I could have chosen Chaeng or Jisoo-unnie but I chose you. I chose you over anybody else."

"Sorn and I used to play there to forget our problems, to have fun."

"But that playground would be different with you. That playground would become our haven Jennie. We don't need to run away from our problems there. We don't need to hide anything in that place. We can be whoever we would like to be whenever we are there together. You are not Sorn, Jennie. She is never comparable to you. I have loved her while I have always loved you and will always remain loving you."

She said while hugging me with some tears falling from her eyes. "I know. And I love you too more than you will ever know."

What does she mean by that? I thought. 

She tightened the hug and immediately made a comeback. 

"Are you alright now Lisa?" She forced a smile, probably to make me feel better.

"Yeah! A bit better. Thank you for listening to my dramas. I wish I could tell you more but we should go back home by now. Oppa might be waiting for us."

"You are right. Our manager might be there angrily waiting for us already."

I was about to pedal again when she said, "Thank you Lisa for opening up. You don't know how much that means to me. Thank you."

I answered. "No. Thank you Jennie. You mean so much to me. Thank you for being by my side."

She said blushing with some sad eyes when I looked at her. "Your unnie will always be here for you. Promise."

And so, I started to pedal again till we got home.

Jennie's POV

Sorn...that's the name of the girl she have loved before. But then, why do I sense that she still loves Sorn?

And Sorn....I know her. Me and the other members have met her several times before. Now I know why they seemed a bit too close with each other. I'm sure that they still talk. Curiously, I asked while she was parking the bike.

"You and Sorn are still talking right?"
"We started talking again after quite sometime. We cut-off our connections with each other right after breaking up? No we never became together so it was not practically a break up....might as well just call it, whatever..I don't know what to call it. We loved each other more than as friends or not. After having some space for ourselves and after many months, we decided that we should not forget that we have been good friends before so why sacrifice that over some petty memories? She congratulated me on our debut and so I decided that we should just forget what happened and just remain friends. Though we aren't as close as before, atleast we are still friends."

There was a sense of relief but I still felt the pain in my heart. 'Why are they still talking?' I thought.

"So you have gone to meet her after the almost-break up thing?"

"She has never been my girlfriend but okay, fine, just call it breakup. We never met personally after the breakup but she called me. And sometimes, she still checks on me. Sometimes, we still text each other but not often. Atleast, once a week?" She said laughing.

"You still love her, right? Don't you regret having that breakup?"

"I don't anymore." I know she is lying.

"Okay fine...I still feel something for her but I don't think that it necessarily means that I still love her. Probably, I just miss someone who cares for me the way she cared for me before. When I cry or feel that I can't take the pain anymore, she's always been there for me. I never thought that I would fall for her but I did. She was more than a first love, she was also my bestfriend. But after breaking up, I lost her. Breaking up with her costs everything we had....."

"I am sorry for having a lot of questions. Let's go inside."

I wanted to stop being curious because she was too honest that I can't bear the heavy feeling it tolls on me anymore. But I kept looking for answers for the questions I have in mind and I keep asking her. In the end, I get hurt. Trying to avoid the situation, I tried to leave but she hugged my back and whispered.

"I may miss her but you filled up the space in my heart and it felt like there's no need to look for someone who left me hanging, ever again. I don't need anybody else but you Jennie."

How I wish she would tell me that she loves me too instead of saying that she needs me. But as long as she won't go to anyone else, I will still be happy.

"Glad you need me Lisa. But I think I need air more than I need your hug right now. You're killing me." And tried faking a laugh.

Her hug was not that tight but I just wanted to stop my heart from beating so much fast again....GOD! I hate my heart. 

"I am sorry Jennie."

"Let's go inside" I said. "We still have a long day ahead."

Cutely she said, "Yes Jennie."

Hand in hand, we went to our boarding house.

Narrator's POV
Upon entering their boarding house, they were bombarded by a lot of questions from the two other members and by their manager as well.

"Where did you two go? You knew that you have to attend My Little Television's show today but you still found some time to sneak out. What if fans saw you somewhere and took pictures of you saying that you are rebellious rookie idols? You must have atleast asked permission from me so that I could have gone out with you. Or you could have told me where you are going in case that you are in some kind of an emergency." A bit angry, their manager questioned them.

"I thought you won't go out for so long. Why did you wait for the rain to pour? You should have called us to fetch you. You only rode a bike and surely, you must have been poured with rain." Rose claimed.

"Relax oppa and Rose. I actually knew they were going out. But since you oppa went somewhere and your phone was off, I had no choice but just to let them go where they want to. And they still have some time to prepare so chill." The eldest member said.

"Be thankful because Jisoo made a valid excuse for you. Next time, you won't get out of the hook that easily."

"Yes oppa." The two members, Lisa and Jennie, murmured.

"Okay then. We will be waiting for you. You still have atleast an hour to prepare and rest a bit. Lisa, take some medicine and drink some tea to warm yourself. You must have been soaked by the rain right? You are coughing a bit."

"Yeah oppa. I will. Sorry again."

As Lisa was about to go to the kitchen to make some tea for herself, Rose checked if she was hot and said that she will make something else instead of tea herself. But then Jennie came to the scene and said, "I should probably make the tea myself. It was my fault why she got soaked by the rain." But Rose, who is very firm insisted to do it and said with a smile on her face. "No Unnie. You should just get prepared. I can take care of Lisa. And I know that she would not want to drink a tea but a chocomilk, am I right Lisa? I know what she exactly wants and I always make her a chocomilk so I'd better be the one to make it Unnie" Rose smirked. 

Lisa replied. "Actually, Chaeng knows my taste so yeah, I agree Unnie. But don't be offended okay. Make me some tea next time." 

A bit upset with the remark the two made, she decided to agree and just stayed there watching the two laugh and exchange some smiles.

Being impatient and intimidated, and a bit jealous, she asked Lisa to hurry and prepare.

Lisa not knowing of Jennie being jealous, she replied. "You should just take a bath first Unnie. I will prepare later." Afterwards, the maknae turned her gaze to Rose who made the chocomilk drink and complimented her. "You really know what I like. It tastes good." Rose asked, "Really? Can I taste some?" Lisa offered the drink and Rose agreed. Being unaware, Jennie made a fist and left. Obviously, she envies how Rose can be so clingy with Lisa.

She then left afterwards with a frown on her face.

When she was about to go to her room, she heard Rose asking Lisa "Haven't you notice that Jennie-unnie is being too clingy with you? She treats you differently. She seems a bit strange too lately."

Though Jennie did not want to eavesdrop, she can't help but do it. 

Lisa answered. "She is clingy to everyone and you know that Rose. And I think that it is wrong to judge her based on those small acts that she does. I doubt that she treats me in a different and special way. I don't deserve to be treated like that. You just recently knew that I am gay because you saw the letters Sorn have sent me before but I hope that you won't give Jennie's acts too many meanings. I think that I am just like everybody else to her."

"What if she likes you? What if she fell inlove with you? She knows that you are gay too. She knew it before I knew it and a year is long enough for her to develop some feelings. Don't you think?"

"No. She doesn't like me nor loves me in a way you think she does. And you know too that I am scared to fall in love again."

"She is lucky to know all of this things about you without her catching you in the act. If I have not seen those letters from Sorn, I would not have known that you are gay. Then if she is not treating you differently, is it you treating her that way?"

Jennie was a bit upset to know that Rose knows that Lisa is gay too. But she is more worried by the fact that Lisa thinks that she doesn't deserve to be loved by her, that she is just like everybody else to her. What must she do to make Lisa feel that she is something more to her?

Lisa answered Rose's question. "She is someone special but nothing more than that."

Rose said in an an upset voice, "If you say so." And then she took Lisa's hands on hers and said..... "Please forget Sorn. I will always be here for you Lisa. I will never leave you. I will always stay and hold onto you." Curiously, Jennie took a peek. 

And right there, in that moment, curiosity hurt her again. She stabbed her ownself with something she couldn't stand, a reality she never wanted to face---Lisa was not hers and though she wanted to hold Lisa as if she is hers, she knows she never can. 

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I wanted to lengthen the chapter but I just wanted to give some update so yeah....Probably, Chapter 4 will have 2 more parts or just one more part, and then I will start Chapter 5. I hope you love this chapter as much as you loved the other chapters. Please continue to support this fic and I will continue to do my best too. Thank you! Comments are greatly appreciated :)