Chapter 4

This is not for a show

(Part 1)

That is how the world works. You have to realize that life is not fair to anyone. It has always been unfair. You try to show how you feel but the world thinks that it is just for a mere show. You try to act affectionate and different, but they think that's just normal and those even include the one you want to notice those actions. They doubt you. That is how you think it is. But what if they were actually the ones doubting themselves? What if she was actually the one doubting herself? 

Jennie's POV
I am genuinely happy with what Lisa said. The playground became ours. It is not hers and Ahjumma's anymore. And it is not hers nor anyone's. It is ours. 

After crying for a couple of minutes while hugging Lisa, raindrops started pouring down and it did not take long when rain poured even more. Lisa and I had to run from where we are to the nearest shed. She took my hand and we tried to go to the nearest shed we saw. As we ran, I can't help but look at the huge smile on her face. After a year, I saw the same smile she had before and I am so glad to see that kind of smile---the kind of smile she lost a year ago.

We were supposed to go the shed but kids and people went there first and for sure, no more space was left for us, so we decided to go to the phone booth we saw. It was so closed-space and that Lisa and I were so compacted together. We were a bit soaked by the rain. The world was suddenly filled with the noise the rain makes. The thunderstorm was also starting to roar. It could have been the worst but that moment became the best because it was lit by the person right in front of me. 

Luckily, Lisa was not that wet. She had put on water-proof leather jacket and it kept her from being soaked. While I, who just used a sweater jacket, is now trembling because of how cold the feeling was. Trying to say some words to myself and trying to act strong, I closed my eyes and tried to think that it is not cold, that it is all in my mind and that the weather was actually warm. But I lost, I kept trembling. Not noticing the one in front of me, her jacket was already removed and her tshirt was the only one remained. 

She said, "Jennie, remove your shirt now."
Probably because I was out of my mind, I said, "You should do it for me."
"What?" she asked.
Still thinking that I was daydreaming, I added "It is just easy. You can put your hands on the edge of my shirt and slowly pull it up."
Promise, my eyes were so close and I must have been so crazy to have thought that I was just having delusions.
And then Lisa, who might have thought I was serious, started to lift up my shirt.
I opened up my eyes suddenly when I had no tshirt on me anymore.
I acted so much shocked and ofcourse, I was really shock.
I asked, "What did you just do?"
"You told me to lift your shirt up."
"I did? Are you serious?"
"Yeah. I asked you twice and so I thought, she must be serious. I even thought that you must be feeling pretty damn cold so I did not mind the request."
We were both silent. And then I remembered, I only have my bra covering my upper body and then she looked away when I catch her staring at me shyly.
"Use my jacket. I am not wet so just use it."
I took the jacket and thanked her and then thought of teasing her. "Why did you look away? Did my body intimidate you Lisa."
Defensively, she said, "No! Ofcourse not. I always see you with fitted clothes. And I think whether you're or you're on a beautiful dress, you are still the same Jennie. I would look at you the same way whether you are or not."
And then she faced me who still haven't put the jacket on. 
"I just thought that maybe it would be disrespectful of me to stay stiff and look at you. You know I am gay, almost like a guy, but just physically a girl. I would not want to look at you that way and make you think that you are just like a piece of body for me. You are more than that."
I was blushing so hard and tried to again just to stop myself from blushing even more. But she continued.
"You are beautiful. You have great abs. You have those eyes that anyone would go crazy for just to have those eyes laid on them even just for some seconds. You are a great performer. I love it when you are being passionate with every song and dance we are performing."
"But in the end, you are not simply defined by those. You are simply Kim Jennie for me."
I lost. I keep losing with Lisa. I never won. My heart started pumping faster again but she shattered the moment in an instant.
"You will forever stay as Jennie-unnie to me."

"You remember it right? We promised to stay that way. You being my unnie and me being your and blackpink's maknae."
She smiled widely. Though she was just a crush, I can't help but feel my heart twitching in pain. I faked a smile, looked at her face a bit. Afterwards, I hung the jacket on her shoulders and went outside the booth.

Not thinking any longer, she followed me.
She held my wrists and questioned my pathetic action.
"You will get sick."
"I won't." I said.
And then removed her tight hold on my wrists.

I tried to act as if I was enjoying the rain.
But what I did was.....cry my heart out.
I was about to open up my feelings to Lisa when she told me those words...
But then I remembered that I told her a promise--- a promise that I don't know if I could possibly hold onto.
She is just a crush. Why am I feeling this strange emotion?

Suddenly she stood in front of me and put the jacket on me.
Thankfully, no one was around anymore so no one else saw that I only had my bra on.
I thought she would try to tease me but she did not.
She hugged me tight and asked, "Is this warm enough for you?"
Stuttering, I answered, "Y..y...yes. B...ut what about you? The rain is stronger now and you are going to catch a cold. You are pathetic for giving me your jacket."

"I was not talking about the cold rain dripping on our bodies. Is the feeling warm enough? Do you feel the warmth you give me which I am now giving back to you. No...I should not give it back to you. I should just let you feel the warmth I want you to feel."
I was so lost for words but I just questioned her, "Why are you being like this?"
She answered sincerely "I am just fulfilling the deal. I am being real with you right now. No cameras are on us, no one else is around, I am just being me. I don't need the deal exactly. I just needed you to assure me it is fine to be me when I am with you. This is me. I will always be like this. And no one can stop me from loving you like this. You know that right? I love you Jennie."

I know that she was just being herself now. She is a very loving person. And saying I love you is something she says to everyone she deeply cares for. I should have started blushing again but I reminded myself that I will get hurt by putting too much meaning on everything and having too much delusions would just make me feel the pain even more again. And so I said something I don't usually tell to anyone.
"I love you so much Lisa. I hope you know that."
And she said, "I know Unnie. You all love me deeply."
And so, I continued hurting.

Lisa's POV
After getting soaked by the rain and letting her pain get washed away by the rain, we went back to the phone booth.
Yes, I know she is in pain. But she is clueless with me knowing it. I don't know what the reason is but she is hurting, that is for sure.

The rain got weaker this time. Supposedly, this time around, we were already home after getting to the cemetery.
But since there were some twist of events, I decided to pass visiting the grave of Ahjumma even if this day is her first death anniversary.

"Let's go back home. I think, it is better to go now than to wait for the rain to stop."
"You sure?" she asked. "We have not done our main plan yet. Getting soaked is nothing. We should stick to the plan."
"I know Ahjumma would understand. She would probably tell me if she is here right now, 'Take care of the person you are with right now. I am gone but she isn't.' That is what she would be saying if she is here right now...."
"You are too sweet. Can you please slow down a bit Lisa?" she said jokingly with some seriousness on her tone.
Trying not to be awkward, I teased, "Our Jendeukie is flattered right now. Look at her." And then I whispered, "If that is what you would like, I will slow down, really really slow down."
"I hate you!" She said smirking. "You are loving it when I get flattered eh? You must be like this with every girl trying to make them fall for you."
"Well, I have never done anything like this to anyone. It has only been you." I am being serious this time.
She started stuttering again. "Y...y.yah! jinjja! You have been so playful!"
"No I am not. Seriously, I have never been in love so why would I do it?" Not thinking carefully, I uttered those words without meaning to.
"I...inlove?" She was curious.
"I mean, I have not done anything to make a girl fall for me. I have never been inlove after my first love." I was being defensive this time.
"Ohhhoooh!" she put her hands on my cheeks this time. "Look who is being defensive right now. I know. You won't love me." (Jennie's thoughts: No trace of sadness on my tone. I was just being realistic and being stronger this time)
"Anyone would fall for you but it can't be me."
She removed her hands on my cheeks and instead held my hands without looking at my eyes.
"I know. It is because I am your Unnie and you are our Maknae."
I said, "One of the reasons. But... there is something more."
She looked at me this time. 

"I was once inlove with somebody and then we grew apart and never saw each other again."
"We knew we weren't for each other. I knew I loved her. But maybe, she realized that in this world, there won't be a place for us."
"Our lives are like of those on TV shows, we try to be real, but we can't help but act in a way that people would want, not in a way we really want."

She asked me then afterwards, "And you never fell in love once again?"
"Never once again."
"Why?"
"Too scared to be on a show that everyone would get curious to watch." I chuckled.
"What if someone would come along, what would you do?"
"I would not know. I am scared to know. I doubt that someone would love me the way I have been loved before. And I guess, no girl would love me as much as I might love her."
"True love doesn't need anything in return Lisa. When you love somebody, you just give your all even it means tearing your own self apart."
"I guess you are in love Jennie. He must be lucky."
"Uhm..h.e... he.yes.. he. There is he. I am..........in love with him. Is he lucky? Well, I don't know. All I know is I am in love with him. But I think, he doesn't know how I feel."
"Then he is pathetic."
She laughed. "He is not. Now I understand why he doesn't see me."
"Why?"
"He doesn't even see himself. How can he possibly see me?"
I told her wondering. "Well, you are getting deeper eh? I am getting a nosebleed."
Nosebleed? I thought. Is my nose going to bleed or is something else going to?
Probably, my heart is which have been cut open and got broken.

She asked, "So who was this girl? Do I know her? When did you know her and how did you fell in love with her?
I just said, "Some time long ago." 

Jennie's POV
She is not just a crush anymore. I finally admitted it, not only to myself but to her as well, I was in love with her. I am in love with her.

The girl she loved is damn so lucky, how I wish it is me.
But then, we have never been in love with each other before. And unlike the girl, if I was her, I would have never left Lisa even if that have meant not living the kind of life I have right now.

How I wish I could be that girl.


Goodmorning guys! It is already 5 AM here in my country. I was supposed to continue writing this chapter by the time I have woken up but JenLisa inspired me to finish this one. This is just the part 1 of Chapter 4 so wait for the part 2 :) Take care and thanks for the motivating comments. You guys are really great! Hope you continue liking every chapter :)