Got7 – If You Do

If you do it’s good
If I do it’s done
How can you always say that I’m wrong
You always want to win
Tears are your ultimate weapon

I was attracted at your confidence at first
But every day I went down on my knees
You magnified even my minor mistakes
And pushed me to the edge of the cliff
Well I love you anyway, that’s why I put up with you

Every day, every night, feel like a fool
You gotta know
Why why why are you always mad mad mad at me
Can we go back to the way we were

If you do, it always becomes the right words
If you do, I can never win
Suddenly you become a different person
When we get along well I get nervous

If I do, if I do
If I say something, you always say let’s break up
So I can’t get any closer
Can’t deepen my love for you

Your major is saying the same thing over and over
I’m tired of these trials with already known results
I’m desperate to break free

To you they’re just friends
To me they’re jerks who could be flirting with you
Another mistake, if you do it’s ok, but if I do huh

I wish you wouldn’t go too far but you just can’t stop
Now I say in my sleep, I’ll be good
When there’s nothing to say you always say, I’m gonna go to bed
Frustrated with no one to talk to
Sometimes I delude myself I’m trapped

If you do, it always becomes the right words
If you do, I can never win
Suddenly you become a different person
When we get along well I get nervous

If I do, if I do
If I say something, you always say let’s break up
So I can’t get any closer
Can’t deepen my love for you

Every day, every night, feel like a fool
You gotta know
Why why why are you always mad mad mad at me
Can we go back to the way we were

If you do, it always becomes the right words
If you do, I can never win
Suddenly you become a different person
When we get along well I get nervous

If I do, if I do
If I say something, you always say let’s break up
So I can’t get any closer
Can’t deepen my love for you

Jeongyeon’s POV

I was looking around aimlessly as I’m silently walking a road to nowhere but the dark narrow spaces of Seoul City. Only the dim lights of some random houses’ lamps I‘m passing by had lend help for me to see where I am going. But actually, to my own eyes, I can’t clearly see anything. My vision is blurry and dark.

It’s not literally, but it seems that pain makes everything blinding. When was it again? When did this mess started? Just when and why?

“Can’t you just shut your mouth and stop spilling out things about our relationship?!” You once yelled at me after I accidentally blurted out to my friends about our secret. You were so angry that time that I didn’t even mutter a single word to you.

Yes. Our love was a secret, not because it’s a crime, but because it was a disgrace and a sin instead.

Is it that hard for people to see someone love the same ? Maybe it really is a sin for what religious beliefs said, but a disgrace or rather disgust to society? What is wrong with that? What is wrong with loving someone? The last time I checked, love has no limits and people are free to love anyone they want, right?

But there are some questions that only go for the two of us. Why would you rather choose to follow what they say? I thought that once you love someone, you’ll make sure to be wise and ready? But why do I feel like I was just a trash?

Like I’m not even important since you didn’t and never thought of fighting this challenge that was bestowed to us? Aren’t lovers supposed to be supporting each other? Did I just fell one-sidedly? Am I stupid to fall for you? Or you are stupid for not loving me the way I do for you? Just what happened to us, Nayeon?

Author’s POV

(Flashback: 7 years ago…)

A short-haired girl around her teen years was laying comfortably at her seat while listening to the music coming from her headphone. She was peacefully inhaling the fresh air of the afternoon breeze with her eyes closed. She was alone inside a big classroom as it’s already time for all students to go home.

Every room was completely empty yet she won’t barge away from her seat. Not when she’s waiting for someone.

Her eyes were still closed as she hummed some notes and so into the air when someone kissed her cheek. This instantly made the short-haired girl open her eyes and stared at the beauty beside her.

She smiled lovingly before holding the girl’s hand and stood up. “You’re finally here. Let’s go, Bunny-ah.” She was about to pull the other when the girl stopped. The short-hair looked back in confusion. “Is there something wrong, Nayeon?” The older girl shook her head and encircled her arms at the short-hair’s waist. “Nothing. I just missed my ostrich so much.”

This caused the younger one to pinch Nayeon’s cheeks. ”Being cheesy again, huh? I thought that was my job?” She giggled and pocked my nose. “Then share that job with me. I’m good at being cheesy since my love always does so.” Jeongyeon pulled away and carried the older girl’s bag together with hers.

“Let’s go. I want to have a short night date with you.” Nayeon didn’t say anything and just held the short-haired girl’s hand and dragged her out of the school. The two had fun at the night market and shared a peaceful silence at the Han River until it’s already time for them to go home.

“I wanna spend more time with you.” Nayeon pouted which earned her the warmth coming from Jeongyeon’s hands around her puffy cheeks. “Come on, you know I feel the same, right? I promise you that one day, we’ll finally stay in our own room without any worries. Just wait a little more, ok?” Jeongyeon sincerely said.

Nayeon sighed deeply. But nothing less, she nodded before entering her mansion’s gate. The younger one waved while mouthing goodbyes, and the bunny one smiled. This scene almost happens every day like a written routine. Jeongyeon and Nayeon will keep their lovely secret from everyone, while they stick together every afternoon when no one can see them.

Nobody knows, even their closest friends. That’s why it absolutely enraged Nayeon when Jeongyeon suddenly opened up to her friends about them without even consulting her. Ever since then, Nayeon became more aware over her surroundings whenever she’s with Jeongyeon, which made the younger girl sad and hurt.

Nayeon became distant too, and it made Jeongyeon mad though she never showed it. Everything was falling apart between them when Nayeon’s parents finally found out about their relationship. It was a hard pang over Jeongyeon when Mr. Im made Nayeon choose over her or her parents.

The short-haired girl didn’t cry though. A small part inside her heart and mind already knows the answer back from even when they just started. Why would you even hide your relationship to others, right? It just means you’re scared and would rather pick something more than what you finally have on your hand.

Jeongyeon grasped over the thin rope of hope, believing that somehow nothing wrong will happen. But not everything has a nice ending, and somehow, Jeongyeon had able to hold it in and accept it all. With the love of her life left her hanging, every little wishes and promises was broken in one go. With just that, all hope was gone.

The whole place became blank to her. Only the question ‘Why?’ was uttered before everything that made her happy and alive was gone. She never spat her agony and rage no matter how much she wanted it to be out from her system. No matter what happened, she can never find herself to be angry at Nayeon.

It’s more than stomping over her pride and less than self-pity. It is a ridiculous one-sided love to be exact. Jeongyeon can let herself lose it all and drag her feet to her own grave and hell than sending it to Nayeon. That’s why after the most melancholic day passed, she moved away. Not just to escape from the pain of reality, but to also give the freedom Nayeon really wants and needed all this time.

(End of Flashback…)

If Jeongyeon is going to be honest, not a day that passes by let her have even the slightest peace she wanted. It hunts her whole being. Her friends and family members already tried the best they can do to help her, but nothing actually succeeded to unchain her from the pain she’s suffering.

Only Nayeon can do that, but Jeongyeon would rather sold her soul to the devil already just to stop that girl from seeing her again. Not when she’s broken, not when she’s looking devastated, and not when she still wants the bunny girl into her arms.

The only thing she’s thankful was the fact that everyone seeing her never let her go into the mental institute. She’s not sick and crazy, but the pain of her past that haunts her was messing everything. The once was a lively, corny yet caring girl was more of a lifeless, broken girl. Jeongyeon was close to losing even her soulless life even though she’s not going over suicidal, still and yet.

Right now was another day of for Jeongyeon, the worst one after many years of loneliness if you’re going to ask. The reason was because of an invitation. A wedding invitation from the girl she’s yearning until now.

When she saw it, a ridiculous yet melancholic laugh was let out from her dry, hoarse throat, together with a waterfall of tears that gash down to her unhealthy face. She knew one day this is going to happen, a day when the love of her life will finally get married … to someone that is not her.

Jeongyeon once became selfish because of Nayeon, but right now, she’ll do something that no one, even her, will expect to do. One day before the wedding, she didn’t do anything that slowly destroyed her.

She didn’t smoke, she didn’t get drunk, she didn’t mess up her place and broke things as if an earthquake occurred, and last but not least, she didn’t scream out the pain she’s suffering that led her voice crack every morning after her ‘messed-up’ routine.

All she did was to take a seat on her chair, put a white sheet paper over her desk and held a pen. She started writing down everything while trying her best not to let a single drop of her tears to flow over the paper.

Letter:

“Dear Nayeon,

How are you right now, Ms. Im? Or Should I say Mrs. Kim? How long has it passed already since we decided to let each other go? To me, I honestly don’t know. I hope though that you’re actually reading this. It’s not to reach you out one more time, but to say everything I kept inside me before I say my final goodbye, the one I didn’t able to give you when you left me.

Until now, I can still see the memories I hold dearly, our days together. It was both worth and unworthy to treasure. Why? Because no matter what happened on those days were both meaningful and painful to me.

You know, when we became close, I was attracted at your confidence at first. You slowly became my inspiration. It even grew larger when we started dating. But every day I went down on my knees and beg for forgiveness, for you magnified even my minor mistakes. You yelled out every hurtful word while I whimper, cry and secretly search for an answer to my mistakes.

You kept on hurting me and pushed me to the edge of the cliff, letting me hung there for days. Well, I love you anyway and I’m willing to put aside my pride just for you. You are my everything, that’s why I put up with you and you silly, unreasonable tantrums.

Even when I really want to ask you … how? How can you always say that I’m wrong? Am I really at fault?

If you do, it always becomes the right words even when it’s really not. If you do, I can never win. It’s you that I’m going against with after all. If you’ll ask me, I’m tired of these trials with already known results, but then again, I can’t get myself to disagree more.

Another mistake was made, if you do, it’s ok. You win again with ease. But if I do, you’ll spend your time yelling nonsense to me, huh? Our cycle is like that, right? If you do, it’s good and we’re over quickly. If I do, it’s done with a hard slap of hurtful to my face.

Whenever we argue, you always want to win, and I’ll always let you win, especially when you started to cry. After all, tears are your ultimate weapon, and those tears are my ultimate weakness.

Whenever I ask for the same thing, your major is saying the same thing over and over. “No way! That’s too risky and you know that I don’t want anyone to know this thing about us, right?!” That’s what you’ll always yell at me. I don’t know if you can feel it, but everytime you say that, my heart was slowly crushing into pieces.

But then, I can never say it out for the reason that you might feel guilty about it, or will you even feel that when I say it out to your face.

Whenever we had a misunderstanding, which mainly caused by you, I let it go easily, coz if I say something, you always say let’s break up. You know that those words are the worst thing that I don’t want to hear. Not because it will anger me and make me gave in to the rage that I kept on bottling up inside me. It’s because those are the most threatening words that made me beg over and cry on you like a foolish kid.

Whenever we had a get-together with the others, I can’t find my place. To you, they’re just friends trying to catch up with those times they didn’t able to spend with you. But to me, they’re jerks who could be flirting with you. How can I say that? Well, it’s our GUY friends who are trying their best to get your attention. And then again, I can’t do anything because they didn’t know anything going with the two of us.

After my biggest mistake, suddenly you become a different person. You became distant while I try my best to know the reason why. I’ll hide somewhere to shower all my emotions because no matter how I push it back, I can’t stop those feelings that I bottled in for so long. It’s already reaching my limit and it’s slowly killing me.

Those spaces you gave so I can’t get any closer to you were making me crazy. I want to ask many times why but always ended it with nothing to muttered at all. Because of them, I can’t deepen my love for you, because they’re your fear. The judgmental eyes and hurtful words they might give to you, they’re your weakness, not me.

And it made me wonder from time to time. Why did you even love me if you’re afraid, right?

Sometimes, when we get along well, I can’t help myself to feel weird. I get nervous for an unknown reason. Is it because of the wall you built between us?

Every day, we’ll have fun. Every night, we’ll start arguing. And in the end, I’ll start to feel like a fool again. I’m already having a hard time handling everything. I really want you to know how I am feeling right now. You gotta know how happy and sad I am when I’m with you.

Why are you always mad at me? What did I do wrong to deserve this treatment? Is my love not enough? I even find myself trying to walk away. I’m desperate to break free from the torment you’re giving me.

Our days are running short. The times that we’re spending are getting out of hand. When there’s nothing to say, you always say, “I’m gonna go to bed.” Without even trying to fix what we fought over.

I wish you wouldn’t go too far, that you’ll stay near me even after everything we’ve gone through. But you just can’t stop going away from my grasp. You’d rather choose a life without me than my true love to you.

I accepted it all this time. I can feel, see and sense all along. I’m not numb. Dumb is the right word. I kept on going even when I know it’s useless. Now I say in my sleep, I’ll be good, even when the reason for that is long gone. The inspiration of my life, the spark and light in my eyes was depleted with tears, and the meaning of moving forward was destroyed.

I’m not mad though, at least not at you but to myself, because I’m nothing but a stupid girl.

After my grand escape that day, loneliness ate me. Frustrated with no one to talk to, I tried welcoming two new friends in my life, Cigarette and Booze. They helped me from temporarily escaping reality. I even almost welcome another friend called Drugs, but my family and other friends pushed it away.

Due to the serious pain, sometimes I delude myself I’m trapped inside a dream turned to nightmare. Shortly, I’ll be fine. But once I woke up, my eyes will water again together with my mind going to eternal downfall.

Many more things happened but I can’t say anything anymore and I’m also tired of trying to remember each of it.

As much as I don’t want to end this into something sad, I can’t. Because just now, I found out that this love was nothing but a painful one-sided game. Its purpose is nothing but heartbreak. I always lose and you always win, that’s the cycle and only rule of the game.

I want to give my blessings to you face to face, but my body is betraying me from obeying my orders. That’s why I’m writing this. I want to thank you from those happy times, and sorry for those meaningless sad times we spend together.

I hope that the wind takes me away before the water does. I wanna fly so high without falling. I’ll try it while the sun is saying its goodbye so that I won’t need to say it myself.

I wish for your happiness, Nayeon. Even if it’s not because of me, at least you’re smiling, right? How I wish to see those bunny teeth one more time. Nabongs, even in the end, I never stopped loving you and I never will.

You are my everything, and I am yours forever. Goodbye, Im Nayeon. I LOVE YOU.”

From yours truly, Yoo Jeongyeon

Jeongyeon’s POV

“Ah, what a nice view up here, it’s so beautiful … but not as much beautiful as my Nayeonnie though, haha!” I said while facing the sky.

The sun was setting and my body is ready to fall like that ball of light was. “I’m sure she had received that letter by now. Well, not that it matters anything to me and her anymore, right? I’ll just go to sleep and everything’s finally gone.” I said to nothing but the cold air before smiling bitterly.

“This is better, Jeong. You’re just taking off the pain, ones and for all. And also … everything’s gonna be alright.”

My lips started to tremble. I’m not scared to die. Not right now that I let everything go. I just can’t stop these damn tears from falling. “It’s time.” I sighed and spread my arms. With the sun almost gone, I let my body fall down. The gravity easily pulled me down to the depths of the river.

My eyes are closed as I welcome my end halfway in my fall … when I heard the familiar voice I’ve wanted to hear for so long.

“JEONGYEON!!!”