“…he put in a lot of effort into his solo performance, so please give him all your support, okay?”

Jaehwan smiled a faint smile as he heard his Starlight fans scream in response to Hakyeon’s question. He appreciated his leader’s kind words and support, and of course, his understanding and knowing how much the song meant to him.

It was ironic that his VIXX members only found out after the fact. But Jaehwan was glad and relieved that they finally knew. He was tired of bottling up his emotions inside and portraying a totally opposite front on the outside.

Granted, he had to pull Hyuk’s jaw from the floor, stop Hongbin’s chanting of her name, and snap Wonshik out of his gobsmacked state. But he guessed as much from Taekwoon’s non-reaction that Taekwoon had already suspected something and brought it up to Hakyeon.

Of course, nothing escaped the attention of his all-observing leader – Jaehwan is convinced he either has telepathy or has somehow managed to install a tracking device--camera on every member of VIXX – who came out to the living room that night just as Jaehwan hit his breaking point.

For some time you have grown apart from me
Maybe the stars are shining but I am sad
I can’t breathe no more with you
 

It was a beautiful night; the cool breeze, crisp night air, sky full of stars.

But it all went unappreciated as he watched her walk away.

Stop, his mind screamed. Come back, his heart cried.

Still she walked. Further and further, step by step.

He felt his knees go weak as he sank onto the steps, his breath caught in his throat.

He had always thought that the term ‘heartbreak’ was a metaphor.

No one told him that it was actually a literal expression.

I fell in love with you

Faith, it’s something of the past
We were in love
We were in love

“Are you sure we are allowed up here?” There was a tinge of anxiety in her voice.

“Relax, just follow me. No one will know.”

They came to the top of the last flight of stairs. “Okay here,” he commanded.

She tried singing a few lines of lyrics, and turned to him with wide eyes. “The resonance here is amazing!”

“See, I told you. This should totally be a concert space.”

She giggled. “A stairwell?”

“Ahem. Not just any stairwell,” he waggled a finger at her. “This is Ken’s stairwell. It’s a Kenwell.”

She rolled her eyes and swatted his hand away, but not before showing hints of an amused smile. “Oh, can we go out there?” She pointed excitedly to the doorway that led to the roof.

Jaehwan peered out of the tiny window. “I’ve never been out there…” He turned and looked at her. “This is coming from someone who was so anxious to come to a stairwell.”

She swatted his shoulder. “Stop teasing! Can we? Can we?”

He tried the door handle. It was unlocked. “Why not?”

She stepped out onto the roof and squealed in delight. “It’s so beautiful!”

Jaehwan frowned, following her out. “It’s just a roof top.”

She turned to him and grabbed his hands in hers. “Just close your eyes and take a deep breath,” she whispered, looking up at him with her wide eyes. “Isn’t it breathtaking?”

Jaehwan just stared into her eyes.

“Yes, it is.”

As my thoughts flash back to our beautiful days together
We were in love
We were in love

Her lips were so soft and sweet.

For the life of him, Jaehwan could not imagine what could have possessed him to do such a thing. Certainly if he had analyzed the situation with his brain, he would never have done such a rash act that could very well earn him a slap.

But his brain was a mush and he was acting on adrenaline. That and the rush of emotions from the duet they were practicing. If anyone actually asked, Jaehwan would blame it on that.

She had blushed and looked up at him between his lashes.

“Was that… okay?” He stammered.

She wet her lips and gave him a shy smile. She reached for his hands and brought them to cup her cheeks.

“Would you like to try again?”
 

I cannot sleep

Because of the memories of you that I cannot forget
Tears are flowing down my face uncontrollably
 

“I was going to tell her I love her, I swear. I really was. I was going to tell her…”

Jaehwan was blubbering as he sobbed into Hakyeon’s shoulder.

Hakyeon’s soothing pats to his back were no comfort to the physical pain of his heart and the regrets in his mind. Jaehwan’s eyes were red from the tears and his nose was all runny, but he could not care less.

It was all too late.

I cannot let go of this pain

Do not leave, baby come back to me
Still with you, I’m with you
You are still in my heart
 

“I don’t love you anymore.”

Her words echoed in his head like a soundtrack of his nightmare.

He just didn’t understand it. It just didn’t make sense. Her actions, her glances, her words, her smile – could he have misinterpreted it all?

Then it struck him.

Those were the same words he had told his ex-girlfriend when he decided to choose his music career over her. The exact same cruel words were now used against him.

She was choosing her career first. But did that also mean that he was still important in her life – just like what he felt about his ex then – even though the words indicated the exact opposite?

Jaehwan was not sure if he really wanted to know.

Not knowing gave the possibility of hope that there was still a chance.

We were in love

Oh love, love, love
Please, I still have you in my heart
We were in love

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Jaehwan could hear the concern and nervousness in Hakyeon’s voice.

“You could always do another song for your solo stage. You have so many to choose from,” Hakyeon continued.

“Thanks for the concern, hyung,” Jaehwan replied gratefully. “But I am very sure. It will be my last, I promise.”

He took a deep breath.

“I will move on after this.”

With the memories of you on this sleepless night
You have to be happy

It was not a perfect stage, but he had given his all. Raw emotions laid out, vulnerable. He hoped against all hope that she would somehow hear it.

It would be his last public declaration to her.

----------

- On A Sleepless Night by Jaehwan/Ken (VIXX) from VIXX Live Fantasia Concert 2016 (Moon Myung Jin cover)

AN: Watch his performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq1GcCC4P70. Just absolutely love the way to wears his heart and emotions so openly when he sings. There was a clip from the actual DVD but I can't find it anymore, I think Jellyfish took it down because of licensing.