The problem is, there are too many ways to say I love you.

If you asked Jaehwan where he thought it all went wrong, this would be his answer.

There always comes to a point in a relationship when I love you is ready to be said. Jaehwan had been in a number of past relationships to know that. And if you really wanted to know, he had only ever said it once. Even so, what it meant then didn’t seem as significant as what it is now.

Worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet is my bad habit
Because I don’t want to have regrets like “not enough”, “what if”, “I missed the chance”

He knew quite early on that he was ready. Don’t ask him how or why. There was no logical explanation. He just knew.

Maybe it was her smile, or it could be her laugh. Maybe it was her frown when she concentrated hard on something, or it could be when she closes her eyes as she soaks in the music. Maybe it was the way she was ever patient with him, or it could be how she joins in spontaneously in some of his childish antics.

Either way, he just knew it.

Now it just came down to when he would say it.

Right?

Rather than the words I’ve been practicing,
I wonder if you can simply understand me from my gaze

On days I’m not certain, I always freeze up when I see you

His plan was simple. Buy her favourite fried chicken, have dinner at the rooftop, say I love you. In that order.

Couldn’t get any simpler than that right?

The first two events went without a hitch. In fact, she was so overjoyed when he appeared with the chicken that she threw her arms around him and gave him a peck on the cheek for good measure.

“I was having such a crappy day,” she sighed, as they started on their dinner.

“What happened?”

“Firstly, I got scolded by my vocal trainer because he thinks I could put in more soul and emotion into the song. After that, I got nagged at by Chorong-unnie and the rest because I messed up on the choreo at the last part of practice.” She shrugged. “It’s just an ‘off’ day, I guess.”

“Well, that sounds like my life too,” he chuckled as he gave her a reassuring smile. “At least the day is somewhat over. And there will be better days.”

She smiled gratefully at him, oblivious to what she was doing to his brain and heart. “Thank you for this though, it is the one good thing that happened today.”

You are the one good thing that happens to me everyday, he thought. Well go on then, he chided himself. Tell her now!

“Eunji-ah…”

“Yes?”

She looked up at him expectantly, and he stared back at her, desperately trying to work up his guts and communicate through his gaze at the same time.

“What is it? Are you okay?” Her face reflected concern.

He lost his nerve.

“Ah… Would you like some more chicken?”

I can’t say,
The bigger my feelings spread,
The more my feelings become truthful,
I’m afraid you’ll find me awkward
Wanna stay,
I’ve hidden my feelings too long
Only you don’t know
If I speak them,
I feel like our memories would shatter

“I love you, I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU.”

Jaehwan groaned in frustration. What was so difficult in saying that? He has said it countless of times in his musical stages, and sang it probably twice more in his songs.

But yet, somehow every time he tried and practiced it, it just didn’t seem to come out right. With all his quips and sass, the chatterbox and mood-maker of VIXX, it was just ironic that he of all people was having difficulty saying the all-important three words.

You, who I’ve been able to speak freely to
I’ve developed a painful secret
It’s too precious, my own special star inside my heart

I’m so sorry you had to wait up for me! She texted.

It was nearly 3am, and Jaehwan had been waiting for her text to end the night. She was away in Japan with Apink promoting their music, and Jaehwan just wanted to be sure she was safe.

It’s no problem. Did you have a good concert? He replied.

It was amazing. Indescribable. How about your fan sign?

It was good too. Having a fan meet tomorrow.

Oh then why did you still wait up for me? You need your sleep!!!

Because I love you, Jaehwan thought, and nearly typed it out in full before his mind caught up to his impulse and deleted what he typed. Instead, he just gave a generic excuse of playing game at the same time too, and then wished her a goodnight.

He did not get a good sleep though. In his mind, the same thoughts were running incessantly: How will I ever tell her that I love her, if I can’t even text her that I love her?

This star never loses it’s light
The darker it is, the brighter it shines, look at it

It will forever keep you company, whenever I’m not with you

His next plan was even simpler.

Walk her home after lesson (as per usual), kiss goodnight (as per usual), say I love you instead of Goodnight (not the usual).

This should be easy, he reasoned. If I am already kissing her goodnight, the next natural step is to make it clear of my love.

Simple.

While I wonder if I should say it,
I suddenly want to hide it,
Because of the fear that my decision
Will send me far away from you

It was far from simple.

Deep down he knew that there was a slight element of fear.

She had the ability to make him laugh, melt his insides, make his heart race, turn his brain to mush. If he was the mood-maker machine, she was the manual. Even though they could not meet often, her texts and conversations were like drugs he was addicted to.

The way he saw it, the all-important three words were no longer just three words to express meaning.

With its utterance is attached either euphoric happiness, or depressive heartbreak.

There was plenty to fear.

Even though I don’t say it,
It’s obvious so it’s okay
Can’t I be beside you

“Is that confirmed?”

He was walking her back to her dorm as per usual, and she was talking a mile a minute. If people thought that he was a chatterbox, they probably have never experienced her. Although he would have to admit, she was more sensitive to the surroundings and knew when to say stuff and all – an aspect that he knew he still needed improvement on.

Truth be told, his mind was far away, and so he only nodded strategically at various points of her monologue. That is, until he caught the word ‘solo’.

She nodded excitedly. “I just had a meeting with my CEO and all the management, and they have given the go ahead for me to release a solo album!”

“That’s fantastic!” He knew how much she had hoped for this opportunity.

“I know! I’m so excited too, but there’s also this slight… apprehension? It’s a solo, so all the work and pressure is just going to be on me alone.”

“I’m sure you’ll have a great team…”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “But it also means no more time for frivolous activities and distractions; all my concentration should be on the album to make it the best.”

His heart pounded. He glanced at her hand in his - their interlaced fingers and her palm snugly fitted in his.

Would this be considered frivolous? Am I a distraction?

Will we still continue?

They reached her dorm and she turned to him, smiling.

“I’m glad I could share the good news with you,” she told him shyly. “Goodnight.”

He kissed her on her cheek as per usual, but his heart was still pounding.

Say it, his mind screamed. Say it!!!

“Goodnight, Eunji.”

I like you, I don’t wanna be just friends
Every time I look at you I keep wanting you to myself
You just keep saying thank you to me
Never say
What will happen to me
If I do confess at last
I think I know your answer
So I just keep getting sadder
I can’t say, never say

The problem is, there are too many ways to say I love you.

To actually say it out loud?

That is the hardest.

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- Can’t Say by VIXX from Chained Up album (2015)