Title: Butterfly
Author: kyouya3/kyouya-sama
Length: Oneshot
Pairing: YooSu
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, Dark, Romance
Summary: No one was perfect, everyone was beautiful in their own way. But at the same time, they're also fragile like a butterfly. This's including Kim Junsu.
 

Butterfly

1. Always smile
2. Never get mad or showing bad emotion
3. Be charismatic or cute if you fail the charisma

Those were three top lists of things to do for Kim Junsu every time he ing opened his eyes. He wasn’t innocent and happy go lucky person like all people thought he was. Yet, he managed to fool them all, including his family (he almost couldn’t believe Junho bought it too, having twin connection and stuff), friends, and colleague.

“I’m seriously considering drinking five cups of Americano like you do, Junchan…These days I can’t keep up with your dazzling energy all day, aaahhhh---Aging is pain in the ,” Jaejoong whined when he turned 28. 

Junsu remembered he just laughed at Jaejoong and tried to cheer him up that he got his own charm and stuff. He wanted to tell Jaejoong there’s nothing good from someone like him; someone who hid his dark side so good and it disgusted even himself. He felt like butterfly, so beautiful from the outside but almost no one wanted to touch it once they knew butterfly came from disgusting maggot.

“Junsu-sshi, be ready on five!” a staff voice brought Junsu back to his senses. He pretended he was reading his musical scripted instead of drowning out in self-pity. Yes, Junsu was an expert at that. If he was exposed, he could use his usual excuse, saying he couldn’t concentrate on two things at the same time cutely. He knew he would pass anyone’s judgment because they’re too blind to see.

“Someday…I want to let you see other side of me,” Junsu remembered saying such sentence in one of his concert. He scoffed in his heart; he knew he wouldn’t show his real self, probably for the rest of his life. It’s better if people never knew the real him, the ugly him. It would break million fan girls’ heart.

Junsu finished his last rehearsal for his newest musical in a blink eye. He felt like ‘Xia’ was taking over and he was watching the other him. He used to call his mask ‘Xiah’ but because some stupid lawsuit, he decided to change it to ‘Xia’. He actually always hated the ‘h’ on his stage name, but he was acting too angelic to refuse when his old company named him.

“Everyone, good work!” Junsu bowed as he excused himself. He told his manager he would get home by himself and they parted. As Junsu got into his Rolls Royce, he tried to catch his breath. He felt so suffocated every damn time he had to watch ‘Xia’ took over him. Yet, he also felt so good, because the stage, singing and dancing, even acting was the only place he could wear his mask so perfectly.

After finished catching his breath, Junsu drove away and headed to his apartment. He knew he shouldn’t let his guard down; many sasaeng fans lingered around him these days. He knew they couldn’t see him in the car because he made sure the glass was one way mirror. But that didn’t mean he was safe, he knew sasaeng fans could cause car accident.

His prediction was right as he saw three sasaeng taxi followed him. Sighing, Junsu ignored them the best he could until he reached his apartment complex. He parked and rushed into the lift and pressed his floor number like a mad man.

Junsu hated idol life, he might had hint he loved it and went easy going on it, but the truth he hated it. Being ‘Xia’ was the only thing that kept him going and occasionally decent fans here and there. It reminded him he wore his mask so well and people cared about him, not the real him though. No one should know the real Junsu.

As the lift door opened, Junsu got into his unit, and decided to have a bath first. He decided to take a picture of him before going to bath and uploaded it on his SNS. He got hot response from fans in seconds. Satisfied, Junsu went inside the shower and drenched himself in soap and water. He needed to clean himself so no one would notice how dirty he was. Junsu knew such action was futile but he couldn’t help it. He had to pretend he could be clean or he would take no need for bath.

Finished, Junsu wore a shirt and short pants and raided his fridge. His mom always made sure he had things to eat so he never ran out of food. Munching anything he could find until he was really full, Junsu decided to do the deed now.

Dragging his lazy and heavy out of the kitchen, Junsu stormed his private bedroom as he threw his head into the water closet head. Using his fingers to choke himself, Junsu poured his stomach content into the closet and flushed them down. He repeated the act again and again until he felt he was so empty.

Gasping for air, Junsu sat next to the closet and hid his face behind his knees, crying. Xia Junsu couldn’t cry on public, but now there’s no one around him. Junsu had to shred his share of tear and pain to be able to smile again tomorrow.

Junsu started vomiting ages ago, even before he debuted. Yet, he used to vomit like once or twice a week then the frequency increased as the stress from his work and life doubled. He kept his secret so well and no one knew. Yoochun did find out once but he lied he was having upset stomach.

Then, he became so careful. He rarely ate anything outside of home so he didn’t need to vomit. He drank Americano to deal with his gastric acid. Yet, he lied it was the one kept him hyper all day. Vomiting and crying and starving made Junsu hyper all day. He was tempted to use laxative but the after effect would be too great and he couldn’t be ‘Xia’ anymore.

Junsu felt disgusted at himself as he cried and cried. Drowning in his own tears, Junsu didn’t realize someone called his name until that person got behind Junsu. Shocked, Junsu wiped his tears as relief flew over him when he realized the closet was clean enough and nothing would give his puking away.

“…Come here…” that person said softly as he embraced Junsu from behind.

“Chunnie…*sobs*…I messed up a lot today *sobs* and it was the last rehearsal,” Junsu lied; he had to make up excuse for his crying of course. It’s like a miracle his twisted brain could think of such excuse in almost no second.

“Shhh…Don’t cry, people make mistake Junsu ah, including us,” Yoochun said in soothing voice as he cupped Junsu’s face,” I made the PD angry today because I was too sleepy to concentrate on my line…”

Junsu wiped his tears as he let Yoochun helped him up and sat on the bed. Yoochun pushed him until he was laying on the bed and then cuddled him. Junsu could feel Yoochun caressed his hair softly and said lovely words to Junsu. It felt so good, Junsu knew, Yoochun, his boyfriend loved him. The perfect him, not the real him though.

Yoochun gave a light peck on Junsu’s forehead, then his cheeks, his nose, and then his lips. Junsu was startled when their lips touched; he was so afraid Yoochun would notice the stink of his puking before. Yet, Yoochun just smiled and hugged him even closer. Junsu sighed in relief as he let Yoochun spoiled him to no end.

It didn’t take long until Junsu fell asleep. Yoochun pulled a blanket up and slowly got up from the bed. He walked into the bedroom, eyeing Junsu as he made sure he was asleep. As Yoochun closed the bedroom door, he sat down near the water closet.

Yoochun knew. He knew Junsu’s bad habit but he was too afraid to say it to Junsu. He knew Junsu was fragile, yet, so beautiful. Puking his guts was the only thing keeping his precious butterfly flying.

Yoochun still remembered his horror when he found out about it years ago. He swore he was so afraid Junsu would disappear for good or even kill himself if Yoochun went straight with it. So, Yoochun pretended he believed it was only upset stomach.

Yoochun knew, he was also wearing a mask, like Junsu. It made him had no right to criticize Junsu. Not that he wanted to. The only thing he wanted was loving Junsu with all his heart and prayed Junsu did the same to him. All he could do was make sure Junsu would still be his Junsu.

Taking a deep breath, Yoochun got up as he flashed the closet. He went out of the bathroom and accompanied the empty space beside his boyfriend. Yoochun was tired beyond reason too, blame his new drama.

Staring at Junsu’s peaceful sleeping face made Yoochun felt the whole world would be okay. Yoochun hated idol life, like Junsu was. But he loved acting and singing, occasionally dancing even his dance was so bad that he could laugh at it. Yoochun took his stress on booze, like Jaejoong. Junsu couldn’t drink and maybe that why he took it on puking his guts.

No one was perfect, everyone was beautiful in their own way but at the same time, they’re also fragile like a butterfly. Yoochun sighed and retreated from the heavy thought. He had Junsu beside him and that was enough. He knew it was enough for both of them, no matter how twisted the world and they were. Having each other was the only thing kept their wings from tearing apart.