Pairing: Hunhan

Genre: Angst. Prepare your heart. This is a   angst right here. I've never tried writing so much sad things in life but after reading some good fics and a snippets of inspiration from my life and others, this is what it becomes.  Enjoy. 

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Luhan knew he is not like others. He likes pretty pollens, pink dresses and his mother's brand-new make up that she bought the other day with him in the mall. He's been eyeing the thing and he knew his mother is trying to hide away all her make up stash from him but the Lu's house isn't that big, he will eventually finds it anyway. Luhan likes beautiful looking things. Like his neighbour's daughter new pink polka-dots bicycle. He envied the girl for having his favorite color bicycle. His father bought him a blue one and he remembered how he throw tantrums and both his parents did not like it at all. He got spanked, teary eyes and hated both his parents for not knowing what kind of things that he likes. 

After all, Luhan is only a kid. Why would he know that the society he lives in will never agree to boys wearing sparkly pink dresses and pretty blushes all over his cheeks? 

Luhan don't get it. He just want a new bicycle and the pastel pink dress he saw the other day when he went out shopping with his mother. He is sure he will look pretty while wearing it. He can beat all the girls in his school if he wears it. But he can't and he will never have the chance to show how pretty he will look under that dress. He sobbed. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Luhan is 13 when it happens. 

He was wearing a soft pastel blue t-shirt and shorts, since it's still in the early days of fall. It's still quite hot but all the people around him has started to wear cardigans and sweaters. He couldn't mind less. He likes what he wears. He often get teased by his schoolmates by his choicing of clothing but all he can think that they are lucky they will never saw him with dresses. Yes, Luhan is 13 and he still wants to wear dresses. He likes to be pretty, no, he aspire to be pretty. His mother said he looks a like girl because of his feminine features, his long and high nose and high cheekbones that always looks dusty pink underneath soft ray of light. 

He knows what gay is. He knows that the world hates people who are in love with people in the same uality. But Luhan still didn't get it. Why would people hate that? What's wrong of liking someone who does not have long hair and a female reproductive system? His simple mind always get hurt if he thinks too deeply of that. His mother said she knows that he likes boys but he can't or he NEVER should tell people about it. If he likes boys, he should be quiet about it. His mother said it is just a phase. He'll grew out of him. But it's been years and he still like to be cuddle under strong arms and thick thighs engulf him whole? He wants to be protected, not to protect. Because no matter what kind of manly sports his father puts him in, he will always want to tell his girly feelings to someone else. He had no other friends than Minseok. Minseok told him no matter who he ends up with, he'll just support. The other day, Luhan heard from his classmate that they knew that Minseok had a crush at the school resident jock, Kim Jongdae. But Minseok never told him anything. They are friends, why would Minseok not tell him who he likes? Not like Minseok didn't know who Luhan likes. 

Oh Sehun. 

That new boy from America. People told that he doesn't like to talk with people who he thinks is not as smart as he is. Oh Sehun is truly smart. He often get the first place out of all their batch and he knew that both Sehun's parents are loaded people. That's why Sehun is cold - is what people say. Both his parents are always working that's why he never shows emotion. Because he never feel any. Because he never experience anything. 

 

Luhan is curious. What could he do to help Sehun? Not like his situation is any better. His mother might knew that he is gay but she definitely not showing the symptom of a supporting mother towards who he fonds with. His mother also asked him to stay away from Minseok because she heard that he's also like him. "You being with him will only make you even more affected with his behavior, Luhan. Stay away from him. Don't you enjoy football? Why don't you join your school football club? Maybe you'll find new friends there."

 

And join Luhan did. He found a new batch of friends, Minseok left out on his own. He feel guilty - since he's the only friend that Minseok has. And vice versa. But Luhan couldn't help it. He is in his youth years. He is bound to rebel one day. And his mother is right, he do like football. He knows that he said that no matter what kind of sports his father suggested him to join, he'll never participate himself. But he do enjoy the adrenaline when he plays football. The wind softly hitting his face when he runs. He loves it. But he'll always like boys. But he didn't tell that to his father. He didn't tell that to anyone. Not even Minseok. 

 

 

Luhan is 15 when Minseok got transfer out from school. It's been two years since they both talked and Luhan is awkward like that to even talk with Minseok eventhough they are the best of friends. Before. He heard that the school authorities knew that Minseok and Jongdae is having a relationship with each other and has been ing each other minds out at various places in the school. And they got caught by the CCTV and Minseok got kicked out because he didn't have any power over Jongdae's powerful parents. Jongdae parents didn't disowned their son for being gay, he also knows that Minseok didn't get disowned but he get the feeling that both of his parents hated their son for being a trash in their family. Truly embarassing. - That's what they said. 

 

Luhan still likes pretty pollen on a wide green field. He still likes the breeze of wind when he sat down at the bleachers when he closed his eyes, juts listening to the whine of Mother Nature. The cold wisp of Winter approaching. Luhan still didn't make up his feelings at Sehun and Sehun is still the smartest kid in their batch. But even Sehun got drag down by his youth days too. He smoked nowadays. Luhan once saw him smoking at the back area of their school yard. He also often went to parties and have an open-mouthed kisses with countless girls, drunk. 

Sehun is rich, he'll get away of it. Even if he's rude, he tops all the subjects in school. His father bought him a convertible car for his 17th birthday. His best friend is Kim Jongin, the school dancer. But what surprise Luhan is, Kim Jongin is gay. He become deeply infatuated with the doe-eyed boy from Luhan's class and they quickly date each other when Jongin confess to Kyungsoo - the doe-eyed boy name. 

Luhan is hopeless. All his football friends didn't know he's gay. He didn't tell them. One of them, Jinyoung asks him when will he start dating girls at parties, but he dodge it by saying, "I'm still finding the perfect one to be with for the rest of my life." And cues the hoots and hollers from his friends. He couldn't blush, or one of them will mock him and he will only cry in his room for that. No one knows that Luhan is deep down a weakling. He likes being held by strong arms. He likes to be in the presence of smoky, aftershave smell of a guy. 

And he is still pining on Sehun. 

 

One day, Kyungsoo and him became friends. They became a group for a school project and Kyungsoo's nice - Luhan noted. He's soft-spoken but can very deceiving when he wants. He sometimes prank Luhan and laugh evilly at him when Luhan's caught off guard by Kyungsoo acts. But Luhan didn't mind. 

One day, Kyungsoo asked him if he's gay. He doubted whether to tell Kyungsoo the truth. But one smirk from Kyungsoo and Luhan knew. That Kyungsoo knew. "How?" He asked. Kyungsoo sit back, relax. "Very easy. I always saw you stare at Oh Sehun. Didn't knew that the school resident sportsmen likes to be manhandled by a guy." Luhan only whine back to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo raise a brow, "Oh? Was it not true? Are you not a bottom? You can really trick me with that pink hair of yours." And he blushes so crimson that Kyungsoo slap back his hand at Luhan shoulder, cackling like an evil he is. 

After he finishes, he narrowed his eyes at Luhan. "But you got to know, Oh Sehun is not an easy man. There are a lot of bottling emotions inside him. In order for you to break it out to him, you need to know him. And it takes a long time for him to finally open up." Luhan gulped. Luhan is not special. Sehun didn't know him. And he knows that Sehun hates jocks. When Kyungsoo saw the troubled expression on Luhan face, he softened. "Hey, it's alright. I'll help you. I know you really like Sehun. In fact, I knew it from the beginning." And then he thinks, just how much of an open book he is that even soft Kyungsoo knows that he is very deeply disturbed by the existence of Oh Sehun. 

 

 

 

Luhan saw Sehun again. He watches his calloused, ashen fingers holding the tip of the cigarette without a care, lighting up with flames and he blows it softly. He stares at particularly nothing and Luhan stare at Sehun until he finishes. Those soft rhythm of rain drops falling down sounds like lullaby to Luhan's ears, too caught up with feelings over Oh Sehun. He just can't explain how bizarre, how ambitious he is to even think Oh Sehun will ever like him back. That perfect, god-like Oh Sehun. How it feels like to be under him, just releasing a chorus of sensation and oh, the heat. He couldn't even imagine the heat of being with Oh Sehun. He wants to feel it. He wants to experience it. He knows that Sehun will only dump him and break his ing feelings with his foot when he's done, just like all the girls who came back crawling, bawling with tears when they begged him to love them. 

No, Sehun do not love.

And Luhan knew that. 

But Luhan wants to try. To open up Oh Sehun, to turn pages one by one, to know what real, flawed, tainted by dots of black Sehun really is. 

He wants it. 

He yearns it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day, Luhan is all alone in the middle of the football field after school. Since his parents wants him to be the captain of the football team, he always stay back after school just to practice for hours. You might wonder, "Why is he doing all of this just for the sake of his parents?" You see, Luhan's parents didn't get away by being rich. He has a nice house and nice life but everyone wants more in their life. So does Luhan's parents. They always told him that by working hard he can survive just fine when he grows up later on and can handle the stress that is called life. Since Luhan's parents are very strict about his schedules, Luhan tries his best to fill up the expectation of his parents. He felt guilty that he will never be normal like other boys. 

He felt ashamed. 

By practicing hard eventhough he felt like his legs can break any second, he just want his parents to know that he is not slacking off. He felt like he needs to prove something to them. One day, he might told his parents that he's gay. But that day will not be soon and will never be in Luhan's grasp. And he likes the fact that it would be possible for both his parents to know it. 

He just want a normal life. 

 

 

17, the age of pubescent teens trying new things. Not for Luhan. He's the captain of the football team eventhough he's a junior. Everyone respects him and the teachers adore him. He did well in his exams and he never tried to be funny either. His one and only friend, Kyungsoo is still the inner satan he is. You also might be thinking, since Luhan and Kyungsoo is friends, aren't they bound to hang out with Jongin and Sehun? Buzz noise. Wrong. Every time Kyungsoo or even Jongin asked Luhan to join them after school to go to the mall or eat together he'll go bat crazy and bail out before one of them had the chance to blink. Kyungsoo always pester him that Sehun wouldn't even know that Luhan likes him since he's acting like a psychopath but Luhan couldn't care less. One look from Oh Sehn and that's it, he drops dead. He's not even joking. 

Kyungsoo sigh. "Why are you like this? You always whine to me that you are jealous that all the girls are crowding after him and calling him god but here you are, with your damn cute face and those pouts that Sehun will never see because when he's here you'll always freeze like a ing brick and croak like a damn frog when he asks questions. Ridiculous." Luhan groans. "You think I want to be like this? I feel stupid, Kyungsoo. The effect of him, oh my gosh, is so damn strong I can't even think! I need to migrate to Alaska or something," Luhan grumbles. 

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, "Yeah? You might think run away is the best answer and after the next 5 years you'll gte a wedding invitation of his and some high-class prosititute since you don't have enough balls to confess." 

Luhan ponders. Kyungsoo's right. Well, he's never wrong. But what can Luhan do? Life is . It was way too hard than his Physics homework. 

"Whatever, I'm going to practice. See you tomorrow." Luhan stood up and leave Kyungsoo alone. Kyungsoo shook his head, "Look at him giving up and cry like a ing girl he is. Who the cares, it's his life anyways." He mumbles. 

But everyone knows Kyungsoo is a soft when it comes to Luhan. 

 

 

 

 

 

Luhan play and play until the sun that shines brightly changes into dimly orange hues. From afar, it looks like Luhan has a halo on his head since he dyed his hair in ginger blonde. It looks good on him. Totally standing up for the Deer nickname of his from everyone in school. Sehun stares at Luhan who frowns at the ball beneath him, trying new moves. Sehun blows the puff of newly bought cigarettes from nearby convenience store. He sat under a shady tree just enough to see the whole field without being seen by everyone. He always sat here after school, just staring at Luhan who plays alone like a child and admiring the huffs and puffs coming out from his mouth, whining softly. 

Sehun chuckles. 

Everyone, not even his best friend Jongin knows that he likes the football star of their school, Luhan. It's not awhile since he's been eyeing the deer. He knows that the older has always been avoiding him once he saw him walking towards Kyungsoo and him. Maybe because Luhan is a good student and Sehun has always been the rebel he is. He used to be pure and just have the intention to study and get the off from school ASAP but now he just want to watch Luhan from afar and admiring how ethereal the older man looks. 

That soft features of him. Those tall slender nose, those doe looking eyes that he wants just look at it forever, those faded orange hair that looks ravishing on him and most importantly, those pouty kissable lips he aches to touch just once. With his chapped lips. Sehun felt disgusted at himself sometimes. He often compares how he will never be as beautiful as Luhan is. How innocent he looks. Sehun will never be any of that. Sehun is wreck beyond years. Sehun is just a ed up mess that have been a history from everyone who have been part of his memories. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Luhan yawned. Class is boring today. He couldn't distract himself enough from teacher's explanation and stuck between daydreaming and taking notes from his lecture. Kyungsoo fell asleep in the middle of the class hours and Luhan hasn't have a heart to wake him up and only get string of curses by Kyungsoo. So he ignores him and just stare blankly at the whiteboard, eyeing the teacher movement. 

Sehun is not in the class today, he wonders why. Luhan take a wild guess maybe Sehun went to a party last night and got really drunk and still didn't wake up yet, it's a common thing to do since it's Friday. He wanted to look at Sehun and maybe smile like a pedo at him from afar but since he's not here, Luhan spirit drop down to 0 and he feels like skipping class eventhough he has never done that. Hell, if he done that both of his parents will know and he'll get disowned. 

Luhan shivers. He never wanted to step on that line between his parents and him. It's enough knowing that both of them is homophobic and hates rebellious teenagers like Oh Sehun. He wonder their reactions once they knew about this. He snort amusely. Probably never. 

The bell ring, indicates class is over. The teacher hands out the assignment for the weekend, Luhan takes it obediently, keeping it nice and clean so he can do it tomorrow morning before going out to the park and do absolutely nothing. He loathes staying at home. His parents are working, collecting money so they can raise him well so he paid them back by working his off to get into a good university and get the hell out of his parents gay-dar (gay radar). 

Luhan pokes the lifeless Kyungsoo twice before the said boy groans and scratch his head, eyes still puffy from lack of sleep. Both of them stood up and walk together to the cafeteria to grab lunch. Kyungsoo's resident boyfriend, Jongin skips into his beloved embrace giddily and start kissing the hell out of the shorter boy and thus waking him up from his sleep. Kyungsoo form a heart shape smile at his boyfriend and intertwine both of their hands together, talking softly. 

Luhan sighs. He wishes to do that kind of things with Sehun. But that damn boy is nowhere in his sight and probably ing a girl over and over again before he ditches the girl. 

Why is he torturing himself? 

He didn't know why. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Luhan pokes at his grapes, muting out the rest of the world. He felt lifeless. He felt lonely. Sure, Kyungsoo is a great friend that always ask about his well-being but he is never enough.If he kiss Kyungsoo like Jongin did, he'll probably get a punch from Jongin and a mighty slap from Kyungsoo and he'll say that Luhan is a from making a move towards a taken man and probably will get a hug afterwards. 

Kyungsoo take a glance at his bestfriend and sigh, "Luhan, are you alright? Do you need to go take some rest? I can ask Ms. Gu to spare you from today's class and take your homework." Luhan looks up, shooking his head. "No, I'm fine. Just feeling a little bit under the weather. It's almost winter now. Ought to get a little moody once in a while." He chuckles. 

Kyungsoo eyes him before talking to Jongin again. Jongin pats Luhan hand and reply to Kyungsoo question. 

Luhan looks down again, absent-mindedly chews his grapes, thinking about Sehun.

Maybe one day he'll get his prince charming. Maybe one day he'll finally be free and have his happiness all by himself. 

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END! and that's it for this one. How is it? I'm sorry it wasn't much but I intend to leave it here just like this. It has a great plot though but idk how to continue writing from this. Maybe if you like it or I feel like continue this, I will?? Just a thought though. 

See you on next!