“Love and friendship, it’s either you keep them or lose them both at the same time” when my dad said those words back then, he had this melancholic almost painful look on his face I can’t forget.

Right now, even though there’s no mirror, even though I can’t see my reflection, that same expression he had back then, I’m sure it’s the same one I’m having right now.

When did it start? I don’t know.

When did I start wishing that he’s only smile for me? Probably way back then

Why do I do things I’ve never done just to see him?

When did I start having these feelings?

Can I stop them? Is there a way to erase them?

Whenever I visit Sungjong’s room I would always find him sleep in different places I always had to carry him back to his bed. Seeing him sleeping like that I could help but want to go back to when we were kids. When I can boldly say that I want him, that I want him to stay with me and that I could sleep beside him and hold his hand till morning comes. I’ve always felt like Sungjong would always need me and I will always be with him.

Then I realized Sungjong was with me, not because he needed me but because I was the one who needs him. He is always surrounded with lots of people; he was friendly and cheerful. Hoya-hyung and Sungjong, when you see them together you would feel that it’s only natural that they should be together. With me, Sungjong can say the right words not because we feel the same, but because he knew he had to say those words so I won’t feel alone.

The times where I can feel as though he’s mine is when the two of us walked home together and thought that soon I will no longer be the person he walks with…. what am I saying… I should be letting go now… after what I’ve done I only deserve this.   

Sungjong could leave me if I continue to ignore others and only look at him. I knew he will feel responsible for me, guilty that I don’t have any other friends other than him and hyung. Knowing that, I exploited his feelings so he can stay and never leave me. But then I knew if I keep doing this it’s only  a matter of time before I hurt the three of us.

I know he the words he says, they meant nothing more than what they are. I thought I’d be happy if he told me he can’t live without me but I only felt the pain knowing those words did not meant how I wanted them to be.

Sungjong treasures our friendship; he doesn’t want to lose both me and hyung. That’s why before anything more happens I will remove myself from the picture. I’m not letting Sungjong make the decision of ruining the friendship the three of us have.

My heart would probably return back to normal when I can no longer see him. Maybe if I leave Sungjong would no longer be chained with his pity for me. He can finally find his happiness now; he can do what he wanted to do.

Probably the only way I could forget these feelings, if I’m willing to discard this beating heart of mine.

“(Laughs) to think I’ve lost the battle even before it began”

“Sungjong-ah, can our words of like be ever on the same page?” I thought out loud as I sat on the sandbox of the playground the three of us used to play when we were kids.

“Love and friendship, it’s either you keep them or lose them both at the same time” when my dad said those words back then, he had this melancholic almost painful look on his face I can’t forget.

Right now, even though there’s no mirror, even though I can’t see my reflection, that same expression he had back then, I’m sure it’s the same one I’m having right now.

When did it start? I don’t know.

When did I start wishing that he’s only smile for me? Probably way back then

Why do I do things I’ve never done just to see him?

When did I start having these feelings?

Can I stop them? Is there a way to erase them?

Whenever I visit Sungjong’s room I would always find him sleep in different places I always had to carry him back to his bed. Seeing him sleeping like that I could help but want to go back to when we were kids. When I can boldly say that I want him, that I want him to stay with me and that I could sleep beside him and hold his hand till morning comes. I’ve always felt like Sungjong would always need me and I will always be with him.

Then I realized Sungjong was with me, not because he needed me but because I was the one who needs him. He is always surrounded with lots of people; he was friendly and cheerful. Hoya-hyung and Sungjong, when you see them together you would feel that it’s only natural that they should be together. With me, Sungjong can say the right words not because we feel the same, but because he knew he had to say those words so I won’t feel alone.

The times where I can feel as though he’s mine is when the two of us walked home together and thought that soon I will no longer be the person he walks with…. what am I saying… I should be letting go now… after what I’ve done I only deserve this.   

Sungjong could leave me if I continue to ignore others and only look at him. I knew he will feel responsible for me, guilty that I don’t have any other friends other than him and hyung. Knowing that, I exploited his feelings so he can stay and never leave me. But then I knew if I keep doing this it’s only  a matter of time before I hurt the three of us.

I know he the words he says, they meant nothing more than what they are. I thought I’d be happy if he told me he can’t live without me but I only felt the pain knowing those words did not meant how I wanted them to be.

Sungjong treasures our friendship; he doesn’t want to lose both me and hyung. That’s why before anything more happens I will remove myself from the picture. I’m not letting Sungjong make the decision of ruining the friendship the three of us have.

My heart would probably return back to normal when I can no longer see him. Maybe if I leave Sungjong would no longer be chained with his pity for me. He can finally find his happiness now; he can do what he wanted to do.

Probably the only way I could forget these feelings, if I’m willing to discard this beating heart of mine.

“(Laughs) to think I’ve lost the battle even before it began”

“Sungjong-ah, can our words of like be ever on the same page?” I thought out loud as I sat on the sandbox of the playground the three of us used to play when we were kids. 

Somehow I don't want to walk home, on the same path alone.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>IDeviant<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

In love, there's no such as everyone's happy.

Others are trying to try to be happy, just they can't let you feel guilty of hurting them.

there's no such things as "just my feelings" 

Love is a two way relationsip, can it be love if it's just you that loving? 

but how can you know if i's just you, if you don't try. 

they say you're not afraid to love

you're afraid of rejecttion

sometimes, you're more afraid of losing what you already have to risk it to love. 

Hi!!! IDeviant here! just some few line I've thought while working on this special chapter. I guess it's really time for each of their story to be told huh? 

Hoya's POV, it's really something guys .... yeah 

How will things end? 

What do you think

^_^