Hoya’s POV

I'm in love with Myungsoo.

I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve spend my nights lying on my bed thinking whether I’m an idiot or did fate just decided to play a sick joke on me.

It wasn’t really intentional. It’s not that I just told my heart to feel something like that, can I even do that? And even if I could, I would probably never tell it to somehow end up where my heart it is now.

There’s nothing really to him, dull, and barely speaks to anyone. But I thought that it was probably the small unexpected things that made me drawn to him. I’ve lost how many times I’ve counted the reasons to make these feelings impossible, but, it always has that one reason why I keep on glancing at his direction.

He almost never gets angry, rarely laughs but when he smile I feel like it’s illegal. He bites his lips when in hesitation, his ears would red turn whenever he’s embarrassed, looks away when while rubbing the back of his neck whenever he feels happy, and the way he looked when he’s lost in thought simply takes my breath away.

When my mom remarried and we moved in to a new neighbourhood getting a new father, even a new older brother, I hate everything about it. I got into a fight in my first day at school, and soon other kids start picking fights with me.

That was how we met; the prideful peasant kid that was me was rescued by a fair looking princess and his knight shining armour. You can say that was our fateful meeting, soon the three of us became what you call childhood friends. We went to the same grade school and even middle school.

During our high school days I had to graduate first with the promise that the two of them will follow.

A year later, Myungsoo came. Sungjong being the youngest among us still has a year until high school. We went to a high school near us but our middle school was a bit far. It was probably the first time when the two of hang out with each other alone. At first, I thought that I just have to endure a gruelling year until Sungjong comes, but as the year ends I was asking for it to start all over again.

Asking that the year would turn back itself to the moment I realized I was falling and tell myself to stop.

From the start I know that I know that I've lost the game even before it had started, I know that it was too late, too impossible, because he's already in love with someone else.

Just one more day I yearn that somehow I could make him smile for me, that for once his smile would be caused by me, be directed at me.

The questions I've asked, he answered them as though it was never a question in the first place. the person he likes, the one he wanted to spend time with, the one he wanted to be with.... is clearly not me. I thought I'll be alright, I thought that I'll be fine but the thought that just even once if he could see me other than his friend I would do anything for it. 

I wanted to have atleast something he holds dear, I don't care how selfish that might be I just wanted it. but then I realized what I've done.

The way he look at me now, the way he look at everyone else and the way he look at the world became the same: painful. And the one that caused them all is none other than me. 

This is not how I wanted him to become, right now in this place I know I'm the person who wanted him to be happy the most.