A/N: Sangil and Euijin are mentioned in the first two chapters but I just chose them because I like them and not because I think they fit the characters I gave them. Also I don't want to include idols I don't know. Please keep in mind these characters don't resemble the idols' real life personalities. 

     The boy known as Yoo Youngjae disappeared during their second year of middle school. He quickly lost contact with the friends he had, who could never give Daehyun answers to his persistent questions about him. They found him strange, for in their eyes there was no relationship between them. They began to avoid Daehyun when passing in the school hallway, and he gave up asking. 

     He often found himself sitting inside the convenience store where they had sheltered themselves from the rain, eating ramyun as he stared out the window for any signs of him He stayed too long sometimes and was chased out when the store closed in the late hours of the night, returning home to furious parents who had been worried of where he had disappeared to. Sometimes he would complete his homework while sitting in the store, eyes darting to the door whenever it opened only to have his hopes crushed. He wasted any money he had on food, eating even if he was full just so that he wouldn't be forced to leave for not buying anything. 

     Of course, he went to every fireworks show held in the district, even when he had nobody to go with. He would walk through the crowds alone, his mind often wondering to the thought of 'what if we were here together?'. He imagined a lot of things; sharing stories over a serving of ddeokbokki, watching the fireworks while holding hands, maybe even sharing a kiss. The thoughts always made him giddy at first until a sadness washed over him. Youngjae was nowhere to be found. He doubted they could ever go to anything together.

       While in his last term of middle school, he decided it was time to let go of these feelings. So he tried his hardest to suppress them and move on, even though images of Youngjae's smile often plagued his mind. 

     His friends began to think he was strange; he never cared to discuss the girls in the school they thought were pretty, and he always rejected any confession he was given. Daehyun, what's wrong with you? Suwoong would often say, sometimes following it with a light slap on the shoulder. It became tiresome to always give empty excuses. But he couldn't tell them the truth, could he? He couldn't them that the times where his attention slipped away, he was daydreaming about the boy from class 2-1. He couldn't tell them that girls had no affect on him quite like that boy had. He couldn't tell them girls never seized his attention, and never caught his eye for longer than a short lived moment. He couldn't tell them that looking at girls did not bring the same smile to his face as the image of that boy's laughter, which was forever burned his memory. He couldn't tell them that the boy's presence, or even just a brief glance from him, was enough to cause giddiness to bubble up inside of Daehyun. And he certainly, definitely, absolutely could not tell them that he was infatuated with the boy named Yoo Youngjae. 

-

     Daehyun found himself standing in front of the chain link fence that separated the school's soccer field from the tennis courts in his first P.E class of his final middle school year. Nobody occupied the field, but he recalled countless memories of looking out to see Youngjae and his friends kicking the ball to one another. Sometimes it was a competitive game, and they would all emerge with grass and dirt stains covering their once pristine white P.E uniforms. Other times they would stand in the shape of a pentagon and kick the ball lazily to each other as they talked about anything and everything.

     Daehyun remembered the few times he walked past the field after school and saw Youngjae by himself, kicking the ball into the goal then running to fetch it before returning to his place and starting the routine over. Daehyun often found himself staring, becoming lost as he admired the boy before him. Though he made sure to always leave before Youngjae could take notice, there was one incident where he was too caught up in thoughts to do so. Youngjae had kicked the goal into the post and it rebounded, landing and rolling towards Daehyun. He froze, staring at the ball for a moment until he heard the call of his name, and he looked up to meet eyes with the boy he was so fond of. 

     Youngjae began jogging in his direction and Daehyun picked up the ball, deciding to throw it since he'd never been quite good at soccer. He threw the ball high and it went over Youngjae's head, rolling to the other side of the field. He felt apologetic, knowing Youngjae now had to run further to retrieve it, but he thought this was the perfect moment to escape. He turned and began to walk away, until he heard his name again, softer and closer. He glanced over his shoulder and there stood Youngjae wearing a lazy smile. 

     "Hey," He said, brushing his bangs to the side while Daehyun merely stared, "do you want to play for a bit?" 

     "I-" Daehyun froze. The presence of the other both made him uneasy and filled him with joy. "I can't. I'm sorry." He said then he resumed walking away, not daring to look over his shoulder so that he could hide his reddened cheeks from Youngjae's eyes. 

      Daehyun thought about how nervous he'd been back then; if only he had voiced his desire to play then maybe...maybe... maybe what? Maybe he'd have been able to join Youngjae and his friends in the soccer games? Maybe he could have walked home with Youngjae afterwards? Maybe he would have had the opportunity to hold Youngjae's hand the same way he so often saw Dohee doing? Maybe he would have been able to leave Youngjae with a goodbye and a gentle kiss...

      "Head's up!" He heard, before a tennis ball came flying towards him, hitting him in the head and drawing him away from his memories and secret desires. He looked behind him and saw Suwoong and Minhyuk laughing, and he laughed too.

       He decided he would try to have the courage he wished he had posessed a year ago when Youngjae invited him to play. He decided he would tell his best friends that he was different from them. 

-

     "I...I don't like girls." Daehyun told them one lunch time, tapping his fingers across his desk as a chill shot through him. "...I like boys." He would not meet their eyes for fear they would be filled with judgement, and he felt so small as his sunk into his seat. 

     "Huh?" Suwoong questioned. "What are you on about? You're a boy, Daehyun. You're supposed to like girls." There was a pause. "That's just...gross if you don't."

     Daehyun looked up at him finally, and saw the disgust in his eyes. He looked at Minhyuk, who kept quite, but shared a similar look. And Daehyun felt hot tears welling in his eyes; he'd been afraid of this. Why did he tell them? Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

-

     At the end of his middle school life, Daehyun decided he hated Youngjae. He blamed all of the problems he faced on the estranged Youngjae. His slipping grades he blamed on the constant daydreams of the boy from class 2-1. His unhealthy eating habits he blamed on the frequent visits to the convenience store in search of Youngjae. But most of all, his lack of friends and the alienation he felt from the rest of his school he blamed on the desire Youngjae had caused within him. So yes, Daehyun hated Youngjae. But what he hated most of all was how he didn't hate Youngjae, and how he knew he never could. 

     It was a simple fact that he had been infatuated with Yoo Youngjae during middle school. It was not enough to be labelled as love, but there was definitely some form of attraction that felt greater than a simple crush. 

-

High school, first year

     To Daehyun, the first day of high school was the beginning of a new chapter in his life. And he welcomed it with open arms. He was determined to live happily while he attended school, and decided he would keep his true self buried, like he wished he had in middle school. As though he was simply acting in a play, he put on a performance the minute he first entered through the school gates.

      But still, he did not desire the attention of girls. He changed himself so that he would not garner their fascination. He became louder, clingier, blunter. He even let his grades drop so they would not be attracted to intelligence. It was a facade at first, but now at the end of his first year, it was beginning to become more natural to him. It was a role he even began to play at home and sometimes he couldn't even remember his old shy, quiet self. 

     He had begged his parents to send him to a school far from his old one, not wanting to have to see his old classmates that had taunted him for his attraction to boys at every opportunity. He wanted to simply forget about his middle school life, even if it meant forgetting a person who held the moon and stars in his eyes. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the new school, everybody seemed to already know each other from middle school and had already formed into groups. He was glad that the person who sat in front of him had spoken to him on his first day. Now, he had two friends named Sangil and Euijin. They were really more acquaintances than friends. His fear of being left alone again prevented him from leaving the so-called friendship, so he cowardly stuck to the two who had been friends for years. He felt out of place with them. 

     "Ah," Sangil let out a huff of air and his shoulders slumped slightly, "look who it is." Daehyun followed her gaze across the classroom, students busy chatting in the early hours of the morning. Their classmate Jongup had entered through the doors, half his face buried under his scarf.

      Euijin, who had been happily smiling before, visibly soured. "I really hate him." She sat himself down on Daehyun's desk, clicking her tongue.

     "He's so...," Sangil chimed in but trailed off when she couldn't think of the word he wanted to use. "...disgusting." Daehyun remained silently, eyes resting on Jongup for a few moments more before he turned his gaze back up towards Euijin when the latter spoke again.

     "Mm. I feel queasy just looking at him." She looked down at Daehyun, with a sweet smile that did not match her tone of voice. "I hope he transfers. I hate looking at him."

      Daehyun wanted to reply 'Why? Just because he rejected your confession?' but he kept quiet, his eyes falling to his desk and a part of him hated himself for not saying anything. He adjusted his blazer cautiously. The way they talked about Jongup made him feel awkward and it reminded him of how people spoke of him back in middle school. He glanced back towards the shorter male once more. The boy sat in his seat by the window after a few female students greeted him but none of them continued a conversation, and turned their attention back to their friends. He wondered if they actually liked him or if they pitied him for having no friends.

      "You know what I hate?" Sangil spoke up, shifting his chair closer to Euijin. "The fact that he's actually allowed in the locker rooms with us. I don't want some staring at me while I get dressed. It makes me so uncomfortable." He nudged Daehyun. "Right, Dae? It's so awkward. Like, what if he's looking at me and...thinking about things, you know?"

       Daehyun just nodded, giving a brief fake smile. He sighed. Just like middle school... This is why no one can know about me.

-

     On his way home, Daehyun passed by the convenience store he had grown so familiar with. It had been a few weeks since he had been inside. As he looked at it from across the street, thoughts of Yoo Youngjae flitted through his mind briefly. He had been thinking about middle school frequently during the day, so he supposed it was only natural that the smiling face he had been so infatuated with would enter his thoughts at some point. 

     He bought a packet of chips and ate them while he walked home, ignoring the chilling breeze he felt against his hands as he continued to shove his hand into the aluminum bag. When he returned home, he sat at his computer and did a quick websearch of the name Yoo Youngjae but as expected, he found nothing relating to the boy from middle school. 

-

     A week later, he was eating lunch with Sangil and Euijin as usual, but he remained silent as they voiced their shared opinions on their shorter classmate. "I saw him staring at a senior student on the bus for a solid five minutes." Euijin said animatedly before shoving her mother's home made kimchi into . It was too salty for her liking and she cringed but continued speaking. "At first I thought he was just zoning out, but when the guy looked over at him, he looked away so he had to have been staring, you know?"

     "Ugh. He was probably thinking about..."  Sangil's voice faded but he soon found it again. "...disgusting things. I don't wanna think about it. I might just throw up." The conversation went on, and the began saying nasty things about homouals. Daehyun immediately felt uncomfortable when it began. He wondered if he would be shunned if they found out that he too liked males. Well, one male in particular. 

     After Sangil made his umpteenth rude comment on queer people, Daehyun stood up and told them he was going to buy something from the store. He didn't do a good job on hiding the spite in his voice, but they didn't pick up on it. "Again?" Euijin questioned with a laugh. "You eat way too much, Daehyun. It's a miracle you aren't fat." 

     I just need to get away from you loathsome people. He thought to himself as he left the classroom. He began walking down the halls, but in the opposite direction of the school store. He didn't want to eat; he just wanted to be free from the suffocating situation he had found himself. He walked outside and took in a few deep breaths of fresh air before he decided on heading back. 'They ran out of the bread that I wanted'. He decided he would tell them that when he returned empty handed. But the thought left his mind when he heard a name being called out from across the corridor. 

     "Youngjae!"

     His eyes immediately went to the voice that had shouted the name, falling upon a boy he did not recognise running past him down the hallway. "Yah; Baek Youngjae!" 

     Baek? The hope that had encircled him quickly faded. It wasn't the Youngjae he wanted it to be. 

     ...why would it be? He scoffed at himself.

     He couldn't ignore the way his heart began rapidly beating when he had heard the name. The feelings he had tried hard to suppress were still there. 

-

      Over the break between the third and fourth school term, Daehyun did not see his "friends" at all. The days of sitting home alone had passed by too quickly and he soon found himself sitting in his seat at the back of the classroom, Euijin sitting on his desk once again and complaining about how she wished she was home. It was the first day of the last term, and all three of them were very eager for the year to be over, annoyed that there was one more term waiting to be completed. 

     Euijin lept up when the home room teacher walked inside and she sat in her own seat in front of Daehyun. However, she turned around to face Daehyun and continued their conversation about meaningless things. She only quieted when the teacher cleared his throat, the rest of the class becoming hushed as well upon noticing that the teacher was followed by an unknown student. 

     "Everyone, we have a new student entering our class." He announced, seemingly bored as he made the introduction. "Some of you may know him since he's been at the school all year, but he has been moved out of the advanced class and into this one. His name is Baek Youngjae." He didn't give the boy a chance to introduce himself and ordered him to sit in the empty seat in front of Jongup before carrying on with other matters. 

     Daehyun didn't listen to a word he said as his eyes followed the boy with the wrong last name. This Youngjae looked similar to the one from his past, and it physically pained him that he couldn't disrupt the class to ask if it was him. But, he was different. He didn't wear glasses and his hair was brown. And his last name was Baek. It wasn't him...but Daehyun couldn't help the feeling that told him he was staring at the same Youngjae he had spent endless days thinking about. 

     At the lunch break, Daehyun was about to walk over to the new student when Sangil held him back. He was mumbling something about going to the store, but Daehyun was fully engrossed in watching Baek Youngjae as he rushed out of the classroom, presumably to sit with his friends from the advanced class. Daehyun let himself be dragged away by Sangil, but his eyes continued to search the crowd for Youngjae.

   After school, he found himself walking behind the new student, not by coincidence. He wanted to ask if he really was Youngjae, but the fear of it not being him scared Daehyun into shyness so he opted for just following. He so badly wanted to see the boy he was still so infatuated with. 

     He was surprised when he came to the familiar convenience store, still trailing behind the other. Every bone in his body screamed out to him that it was Youngjae. His Youngjae. But still, he remained silent as he pursued the boy who walked into the store. What if it wasn't him? That was all he could think of. 

     He pretended to search through the products on the shelves, but really he was looking at Youngjae, who stood in front of the refrigerator filled with drinks. When the boy turned away from it, Daehyun ducked into a different isle. He didn't know why he was hiding. He took a few breaths before he let his eyes search for Youngjae, sighing heavily when he couldn't been seen. I let the chance slip away. 

     He angrily grabbed a packet of chips and wandered up to the counter, ignoring the drink that sat there as he began to dig for cash in his school bag. 

     "Hey, I was there first." The familiar voice behind him had him frozen in place. Slowly, he turned around and he finally looked at the boy's face properly. 

     "...Yoo Youngjae?"

A/N: Thanks for reading

lmao the writing was at the end oh well

i only named it begin because i've been listening to jungkook's solo on repeat for days send help