I know that summer's coming. Not because of the girls wearing shorts and tank tops. Not because of the boys planning for their outing on a warm day or night. Not because of the rising sales of cold drinks and popsicle ice cream at the school canteen and in the convenience store. Not because of seeing my mother hanging the glass wind chime. Not because of the incoming fireworks festival in our town. Not because of these things, and also not because of the heating temperature and the stale air during afternoon. But, of this person running across the emptied athletic field by the school's baseball players in the late hour of the class endings. As soon as I came there without an intention of anything, I had sighted of this boy. He is gasping, gripping on his chest, crumpling his ironed white button-up shirt, and screaming like a beast. The beads of sweat on his forehead and neck mixed with hidden emotions and frustration are visible from my distance. While I was standing nearby the bleachers where girls would always release their loudest shouts and cheers, I held back my anger. However, my tearing eyes and clenching fists cannot hide it. Why does it feels like I am struggling in life more than him?

Jung Hoseok did not notice me during his period of stupidity. I couldn't ask him what could be the new reason for doing the running stuff whenever summer is arriving. For if I do, I might accidentally babble everything that occurs in my head and heart. But myself is not the one important here. It is him, the one who became my world since that day. I don't know if I was cursed back then to be attached to him like this but here’s the thing; I'm about to get crazy. 

"Hey!" I called aloud in dismay. He paused for seconds then raised his head. His searched for me and is unable to see me until I called again. And as I predicted, he waved his arms like an idiot with that smile of his. 

"What are you doing?" I asked after I walked towards him. I spoke with a hit at his back that slightly awakened him. 

"I'm doing laps to lengthen my stamina." he responded with a chuckle. Jung Hoseok strongly smells of sweat and the summer heat. He is messy too, but it doesn't affect me. I still had my eyes and ears on him. 

"Are you crazy? You will pass out with that." I hit him on the shoulder.

"You've gotten stronger Alice. Tell me what you are eating these days." he kept smiling. He chuckled and hanged one of his long arms around my neck. He shook me and he still looks stupid to me.

"Are you out of your mind? You're like a lunatic there. Why are you running while screaming as if you just got out of prison?" I nudged him and I grimaced. I folded my arms and averted my constant gaze from him.

"You already know the reason, right? I wish it would go away this summer." Hoseok did not move. I did not hear a rustle.

He is like a concrete statue for a momentary moment. It lasted for half minute and I had a panic. When I turned around in my growing pain and tension, I saw him laying on the dusty ground of the field. He is asleep, he failed to fight it. He wasn't moving there as if he is only a photograph. This was his own struggle and battle: his narcolepsy and cataplexy. As the doctor advised, I did not move, shake or poke him. I allowed him to take his time as the sun sets in the pretty pomegranate and purple sky. Around this scene, the clock is about to hit six in the proper evening. There are no other students or teachers around. The athletic field is getting darker and darker and the mosquitoes are beginning to occupy the atmosphere. The insect bites is not a problem for me because I am wearing my P.E. clothes. However, it is him I am being bothered off. Well, it is not only for today. It has always. 

While waiting for him to open back his eyes and get up, I brushed off the dust on my favorite sneakers. I tightened my ponytail and checked my phone. I started to ponder if I shall call my father and request him to pick us up from school or simply scroll through my collection of friends and classmates pictures. It is currently 5:55 PM. I gazed to the sky and realized that the stars are appearing gradually but brightly. These sparkling heavenly bodies reminded me of Hoseok. He is a something like a star with the strongest light in the universe. Despite of his incurable illness, he never did falter to be happy and grateful every day. It is terrible that I am an opposite of him. I don't think that I have been grateful or happy for the past six months. I have been sulking all the time even though he told me to make a habit of smiling and laughing every day. I'm aware of my own issues. My interchanging moods, my Math test results, my increasing misunderstandings with mother and my diminishing manner. I was once called out for my boyish habits and sometimes speaking like a pirate too. I know, but these childish and shallow things of mine cannot get a pace with his'. I know that these bad things about me will fade away in the future. Anyway, my attention returned to Hoseok and he is getting up from the ground. 

"Did I took long?" he immediately asked me with a troubled expression. 

"No, you didn't. Goodness, your penance is not effective. You should stop running and screaming like a freed prisoner from now on." I rise up and stretched my arms upward. 

"I will not stop. I'll keep doing this until my sickness disappears. I'll keep doing this until we are at college." he was determined. No matter how many times and how much I try to scold and convince him to halt, he would always tend to be stubborn onit. He doesn't care if his lungs will explode or his feet will get wounded. Whenever summer is about to arrive or he made a mistake, he would run in laps as a punishment. I couldn't understand him when it comes to this. Even if I tried, I couldn't find a clue or a hint. With his strange part of him, it drives me crazy. I want to know what is on his mind and heart. I want to know what he is thinking every time he smiles and laughs. I want to know what he is thinking when he wakes up and at night where his illness manifests in the worse way.

"Well, whatever. It's like you'll listen to me." I shrugged and grabbed his arm and I dragged him away from the field. He was laughing and smiling with his closed. He held onto my arm and follows me without a complaint. He even moved closer and puts his face near to my head. He is tall that I can only reach his shoulders. We were only at the same height during middle school, but as puberty happened he just suddenly became longer and bigger than me. I stole a glance from him and hoarded my grin. Hoseok's hand is placed near my chest. It makes me wonder, can he feel my racing heartbeat or can't he at all? 

"Are you tired?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to go home now. Will you come to dinner?" I responded with a sigh. 

"Can I? Will it be fine with Mr. and Mrs. Jang?" he returned a question.

"Yes, you know that you're always welcome at home. My mother and father sees you as their own son. So, you being there is great for them." I said as we entered the quiet hallway of the building. Hoseok removed his arm when we headed upstairs to get our belongings. There were barely lights that are on and there were no students neither teachers around. It must have been only the school janitor and several school staffs are left. After we had our bags, we walked home. 

The sky went darker and dimmer as we passed on the streets, the convenience store where we like to hang out with our other friends and classmates, the houses, and the local restaurant where I celebrated my birthday last year. The chirping of the cicadas went louder and the air composed of half breeze and hotness dominated the early phase of the night. I counted the working street lights while we make our way to our neighborhood street. We did not talked that much at all, both I and Hoseok were silent as if we are in a library. We shared the same sightings of the places and from the bridge that leads to the riverbank, but we didn't exchange words. The passing cars, the fellow students, and the people that we encountered; all of these things retained in my memories until we arrived home and are greeted by my beloved parents.

"Welcome home, Alice. Welcome home, Hoseok." my father is full of energy in him in spite of a tiresome day's work at the family's bakery.

I only nodded my head as a response, but Hoseok's reply was flamboyant. He flashed his widest smile along with his eyes glistening with excitement. In that gesture of his', I can tell that he is hungry and yearning for a rest. But despite his perpetual confidence, my nervousness relapses for I can sense that he will be unable to receive what he desire. For the half of majority else, the end of a day is a huge relieve for them since they can finally went home or to somewhere they wanted. However for me, every night is different. My uneasiness is not caused by my childish tantrums and other frustrations, but because of this person. To him, to me, to his family, the night is a like a beast prepared to gnaw his sole prey. This oppression started four years ago. Since then, I was bearing the similar and evolving distress in me.

I was bewildered for a while. I was frozen at the sight of him. He is prettiest to my eyes. He, unknowingly spells light and happiness to his surroundings. He is oblivious. He couldn't see the other side of mine. Maybe, he sees it but is not interested to discover more of it. I dropped by lunchbox while watching him taking off his shoes and entering our house. My father walked passed me and closed the bakery's door. I heard the clanging sound of the lock and the light switch. He called me, but I didn't move. I blinked but did not turn to him until he leaves and enters the house.

"Hoseok." I mumbled. My father heard me and he tells me that he is at our dining table now. 

"Okay." I gulped when I realized that such forbidden words about him almost slipped from my tongue. 

I pulled a strand of my hair and hurried to take off my shoes. I was scratching the top of my head while I was walking in the narrow and short hallway. And I saw him not in the dining table, but by the living area. He was there, sitting on the couch with his arms wrapped around his legs. Hoseok resembled a toddler and it made my emotions flutter and waver. I was unstable, so I went upstairs to tranquilize my break down. I quickly closed the door and threw my bag to the corner when I made it to my room. I was panting, shortening in breath, had my knees wobbling and my palms sweating. I feel like crazy, or more than that. I couldn't describe how I exactly feel. Then, I mumbled his name, the forbidden words, and several curses. I pounded my thighs and lied on the floor on my stomach. I rubbed the sides of my ears and attempted to contain the powerful feeling. In the aftermath my unusual behavior, silence lingered on my room that I can only hear the tickling of the clock hanging on the wall and the faint sound of the television downstairs. I still had Hoseok on my mind. Well truth to be revealed, he never did left my thoughts.

I got up to repair my messed self. When I saw my reflection on the mirror, I burst into a frantic laughter. I looked pathetic, internally and externally. There are so many people in the world that I haven't met before, but my live fully revolves around a person who doesn't have a single clue about my feelings. A lot of days and nights have passed that I kept telling myself to halt the annoying and embarrassing obsession, but it kept coming back. No matter how much I try to, his name, his face and his voice lives on. When the uncontrollably action reached its tip, I automatically and quickly felt fright. There was a contradiction; I wanted to see and not see him at the same time. I had two choices, but I always ended up taking the one.

I exhaled, rubbed my sweaty eyes and changed my clothes. While I am combing my scruffy wavy hair, I heard a knock. I opened the door without hesitation but elation within, it was Hoseok. He immediately smiled and steps inside my room as his common habit. He sat on my bed and reminds me that I must head downstairs for the dinner. I remained quiet for a while before I turned around and sat down beside him. The light coming from the hallway hit my eyes and I stood up to close the door. 

"Why it's so dark in your room?" he questioned while wandering his sight to the bookshelf with books that I rarely read.

"I just liked it to be this dim. Besides, I wasn't studying so I did not budge to switch the light on." I answered. I sat on the floor with a slouched back. Hoseok turned the lights on and repeated my parents command to me. I nodded and glances at him, he smiled and went towards me. There is a perturbation when he hovered on me and tucked my lose hair behind my ear. It made me flustered and afraid that he might discover what he shouldn't. 

"Can I ask you of something?" he spoke in a husky voice.

"Is it about Hanna?" I wittily said. 

"No-. A-alice, I-" Hoseok is unable to complete the statement. He collapsed in my lap and is holding firmly on my shoulder, his grip loosens and he succumbs, an ache came to me. I couldn't stand seeing him fighting alone. I hated that I couldn't do anything but to watch over him. I am resenting myself for doing nothing for him. Why was I this useless?

"One, two, three, four..." in anguish I began counting to measure how much seconds will pass. My mother's footsteps echoed and she opened the door without knocking. She was not mad, but she knows that Hoseok's illness will take place at this hour and on the upcoming hours.

"My dear, the child." she muttered in sadness. She checked Hoseok and goes out to call my father. Before they returned, he had awakened and is being dizzy. He was incapable to move for a minute and gladly it did not occupied for too long.

"I'm sorry, Alice." he apologized.

"No, it's alright. Don't forget to take your medication after our dinner." I reminded him as I rises up and goes out of my room. 

At the family's dining table, Hoseok had episodes. He dozed off thrice and almost had his arm burned when he collapsed. He fell on the mattress that my father placed between us. It wasn't new to us, but it is exhausting and agitating. My mother shook her head and rose up to phone call his mother. My father stood up and assisted Hoseok to get up. His pupils are moving upward and his fingers are trembling. He is also experiencing a brief transient difficulty to breathe. I hurried to my mother and finds her at the hallway near the front door with eyebrows furrowing and lips firmly enclosed. She signals me to come closer and so I followed. 

"Mrs. Jung is not answering her phone. What could have happened?" my mother fretted. I was lost at words since shock is lingering on my senses. 

"Hurry up and tell your father that we will bring Hoseok to the hospital. Did you asked him if he had taken his medication today?" she hold onto my shoulders and looked into my eyes. Her perturbation illuminated to me. Then, she requested me to hold the phone and wait for his mother to pick the call up. My mother returned to the dining area to help him out. The line just rings, and it continued ringing as the clock moves its seconds stick. I patiently waited for a voice to be heard, but she didn't answered. In my underlying chagrin, I put down the telephone and ran back to where they are. Hoseok had calmed down, but still we cannot be complacent. His traitorous illness will hit him anew like a burglar. My father glances and commanded me to change my clothes.

While in the van, Hoseok appeared fine with us. However, I can tell that deep inside his thoughts he hates himself. I can feel his hidden self-hatred and shame. What made this scene of him painful is that this isn't the first time. The number of episodes blatantly similar to this happened are cannot be counted by my toes and fingers. It is the same amount as my hair strands now. Considering my parents see him as their own flesh and blood, I would always find myself accompanying them in the hospital sitting in the lobby and observing the passing people in white clothes and patient gowns. The white fluorescent lights, the bitter, fresh and stinging scent and the echoing footsteps of them. And every time I grew bored of following them with my sight, I will fall asleep in the benches and wakes up when my mother taps my shoulder. Tonight, the same sequences of events happened. Hoseok is rushed to the emergency room and I was left out to wait for him to get checked and temporarily treated.

By that hour of disturbance, I had a lot stuffs running on my mind. It isn't only my incoming Math, English and Science quizzes, Hanna's grand affection for her long-term crush, the cooking classes where I am tasked as a group leader, my parent's reaction when they receive my report card, or being unprepared for Minah's birthday tomorrow. There are much that I couldn't distinguish anything. If I do, I'll get a headache or fever. To know that over thinking is my enemy, I wouldn't want to analyze my troubles. I just want to lay to rest and keep my lips intact. 

It is past eleven midnight when my mother woke me. I got up sweating and my eyes drooping from the bench. But the drowsiness was brushed off when I saw Hoseok's sweet smile. He patted me in the head and asked me if I will allow him to stay at our home for the rest of the evening. I nodded, said none, and we drove back home. I headed straight to my room to resume my sleep, but he insisted to stay at my mother's little library filled with old novels and dusty papers. My pare