I woke up, grunting from the throbbing pain in my head feeling slightly cold. Something was missing but I could not put a finger on it.

I remember waking up crying many times through the night feeling a painful clenching in my chest. That torturous and sick feeling was making it hard for me to breath. I knew that feeling very well. It was heartbreak. I spend months, even years to overcome it and it costed Taeyong only several minutes to bring all those memories, all those feelings back.

The nightmares last night were something I have never experienced before. It was the same nightmare I have been having since what happened but this time… this time is was different. It seemed so real. The faces, the sounds, everything. It’s like it was happening once again, and again I couldn’t do .

The memories of last night were blurry. The image  of Joohyun lying next to me, letting me hug her while she was trying to calm me down, whispering soothing words and carefully my hair, appeared in my mind. I felt how my whole face got hot. That’s what was missing! What was I thinking when I begged her to stay? I don’t even know her and I already showed her sides of me I have been hiding even from my parents. Nice job! I began hitting my head with my fist. Wait… Where is she?

I got up from the bed and as my feet touched the cold floor shivers went down my spine. I looked at myself in the mirror and I wasn’t surprised from what I saw. Messy hair, bloodshot eyes with big eye bags and dark circles. My gaze lowered to my neck where were plastered the marks that Taeyong left on me together with the now visible bruises from him trying to strangle me last night. I looked beyond awful.

I went out of my room only to find I was alone at the apartment.

“Joohyun!” I voiced out. Where did she go? I walked to her room and knocked on the door. There was no response so I opened it and she wasn’t in there too. Strange. Where is she?

I decided to take a shower since I thought freshening up a big would at least make me look slightly more…well… not like a walking corpse.

 When I finished I wrapped myself in a towel and headed towards my room when suddenly the front door opened. Joohyun came in with two plastic bags in her hands full of, from what I saw, groceries.

“Oh, you are awake.” She said when she saw me. I saw how her gaze fell upon my exposed neck but it didn’t last long. She put down the bags and took of her shoes and then her coat. I noticed her eye bags and dark circles under her eyes. It did make me feel bad knowing I was the reason that keep her awake all night.

She picked up the bags from the ground and started walking towards the kitchen.

“I can’t believe there wasn’t anything for breakfast.” She said, now putting the things she bought on their places.

I stayed on my place watching her. Why is she not asking question about last night? Why does she act like nothing happened? This questions replayed in my head until I heard her voice.

“Seulgi? Are you okay?”

I look at her direction.

“You should go and put some clothes on before you get sick.” 

Realization hit me. I was only wearing a towel and I felt uncomfortable by the fact I was standing almost in front of her.

“Yeah, I am going…” I muttered and went to my room. I looked at the mirror and my cheeks were red.

“Get your together, Seulgi.” I muttered and patted my cheeks.

I put on simple white T-shirt and black shorts. I looked at the mirror and sighed. Is there even a point to hide those marks? She already saw them anyway.

When I was done I went to the kitchen. Joohyun has started making the breakfast. I walked to her.

“Something to help with?” I asked her.

“Not really. If you want you can make coffee.”

We did our things in complete silence. I can’t believe that literally several days ago we were acting like we don’t know each and pretending the other one doesn’t exist and now we are making breakfast together.

When we were ready we sat on the table in the hall. The silence once again enveloped us until she cleared . I looked her and she was already looking back at me.

“Uhm, I know this question will sound stupid but… How are you feeling?” She asked cautiously.

“I’m okay.” I lied but I didn’t really want to talk about it.

“Mhm.” This was the only thing she said, and again silence but this time it was an awkward one. I know she knows I am lying.

There was that one question that I was dying to ask and it bugged me so much, so in the end I couldn’t help myself but ask it.

“Joohyun, perhaps… did I say something last night?”

“What do you mean?” She looked at me confused.

“I mean when we were sleeping.” My face was getting once again hot. Why do I feel so embarrassed?”

“You mean while you were sleeping?”

I nodded. Her expression changed to a stoic one. It took her time to answer.

“As long as I remember no.” She shrugged and started eating again.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Seulgi, I am sure.” She said it in an annoyed tone so I decided to stop asking.

Her phone began to ring. She acted like nothing was happening. She completely ignored it.

“Aren’t you going to answer?” I wary asked.

“No.” She said in a cold tone. Did I do something?

The phone rang and rang until the caller gave up only to start calling once again. She took her phone and muted it. Who was calling?

Since I finished with my breakfast I got up, took me plate and cup and went to the kitchen to wash them. When I was done I turned and she was watching me. She was looking at my neck a frown plastered on her face. I fidget on my place feeling uncomfortable under her gaze.  Her frown was getting bigger and bigger. She walked closer to me her eyes never leaving my neck.

“Does it hurt?” Joohyun asked as she looked at my eyes. 

“Only when I touch them.” I answered. She hummed quietly. She held the eye contact for little longer until she broke it and walked away from me.

I heard my phone ringing from my room. It’s probably Seungwan. ! Seungwan! I totally forgot about them at the club. I hurriedly began walking to my room but something caught my attention. Joohyun’s phone was ringing once again. I looked at where she went and it didn’t seem she will show up anytime soon so I took a peek at the phone.

Taeyong…

…

I froze on my spot as I saw who is calling her.

“Do you feel better now knowing who it is?” A voice from behind me took me out of my trance, startling me. I turned sharply and Joohyun was standing meters away from me with an unexplainable expression.

“I-I just…” I tried to explain myself but she cut me off.

“Your phone is ringing.” Her tone was cold. I opened my mouth to say something but I didn’t know what to say so I just walked away. Why am I so stupid?

I picked up my phone and it was indeed Seungwan.

“Good morning!”

“Good morning, Seungwan.”

“How are you feeling? Last night that girl Joohyun came to me and told me you were not feeling well and that you’re going home. Did something happen?”

“No, no, I guess I just drank too much.” I lied to her. I have to stop lying so much. I will probably tell her the truth one day but I didn’t feel like telling her this, on top of that on the phone.

“Aha, well, I hope you are feeling better.”

“Yes, I am.” I once again lied. To be honest I felt maybe even worse. But I am used to act like nothing is happening. I just had to learn to do it.

“There is so many things I want to tell you! You remember that tonight we are at my place, right?”

! I totally forgot about it.

“Yeah, about that..”

“You are not going to tell me you are not coming, right? Come on, Seulgi! We have all been waiting for this night. ”

“Okay, okay, I will come.”

“That’s my girl! By the way I will wait for your explanation to why you went home with her.”

“Yeah, yeah, I will explain to you tonight.”

“And… did you know Taeyong was in the club with us last night. I guess some of Sooyoung’s classmates invited him. That explains why Joohyun was there too. You know, since they are a couple.”

“…”

“Seulgi, are you there?”

“Yes I am here. I have to go now, see you later. Bye.”

“Oh, okay, bye.”

And with that I hung up. I ruffled my hair as I groaned loudly.

“I am tired.” I mumbled. I really am. Every person has its dark past from which they can’t escape no matter what they do. Taeyong is mine. He is always where I am, his name is mentioned even if I am with my closest people, with who I should feel safe but no… I can’t feel safe when I know I can’t escape him. And I know why I can’t escape him… it’s because you can’t escape yourself.

I heard Joohyun’s voice. From her tone it seemed like she was shouting at someone. I quietly approached my closed door, trying my best not to make any sounds, and slightly opened it so I can hear better what she was saying.

“What do you expect me to say? Are you expecting from me to go out with you and act like you didn’t almost a girl last night? Do you have any ing idea what you actually did?”

“Alcohol doesn’t ing excuse you, Taeyong!”

I flinched at the way she shouted his name.

“When?”

“Where?”

“Okay.”

She tossed her phone on the sofa and hurried to her room. I came out of my room and waited her to come back which didn’t take long.

She walked to the sofa from where she picked up her phone and then began putting her coat.

“Where are you going?” I cautiously asked, acting like I didn’t hear her talking with him back then. She glared at me.

“It’s doesn’t concern you.” Her cold tone sent shivers down my spine.

“Yes it doesn’t.” I mumbled loud enough for her to hear. She looked at me for the last time, looking like she w