Soel continued down the pathway in a daze, shaking and swaying, pushing against the wall to keep herself upright. She went where her feet took her, unaware and uncaring about the tears streaming down her face. It couldn’t be true. There must be some mistake. Ju promised her that he’d move heaven and earth to find his way to her and Ju never breaks his promises, no matter how small. She trusted him and wholeheartedly believed that he’d find a way to convince his parents and hers. But now he was marrying someone else. So what went wrong? Is he being forced into it or did he just give up on her? Had the obstacles become too much for him to overcome or did he realize that he did not love her anymore?

There had to be an explanation. Soel tried to sort through her memories in an attempt to find one but her thoughts and emotions were all in a jumble and she couldn’t hold on to any semblance of rational thought before her mind was stormed and flooded with myriad emotions that overwhelmed her. She finally gave up trying to gain control over the onslaught and crumbled in a heap beneath a tree, giving in to her grief and letting sobs wrack her body.

When she closed her eyes, all she could see was Ju. In her mind’s eye, she saw his face light up with a smile, and heard the tenderness and sincerity in his voice when he promised never to let go. She remembered his playful tone and the smirk on his face as he sat on a bough and about her lack of balance. She saw the fiery eyes that narrowed when he took his stance in a fight, before he swirled like the wind and threw himself at opponents twice his size with all his strength, never holding back. That was the man she loved and she knew that he would never give up on her if there was even a sliver of hope.

But then she was reminded of the crown prince Ju who was often lost in thought; the prince who walked with a confident gait with his head held high like he owned the world and yet had somber eyes that reflected the weight of an entire country that would someday rest on his young shoulders. She reminded herself that though that part of him seemed to diminish and disappear when they were together, that is the real Ju. That Ju had responsibilities that cannot be ignored and some of those directly clashed with his love for her.

Maybe the times they shared were all that they were destined to have. Maybe she should be thankful for those moments, those memories. An image she treasured flashed before her eyes – the image of Ju as he gracefully scaled walls and traversed rooftops, free as a bird, eyes dancing with excitement, tendrils of hair spreading like waves around his face; a face that held unfettered joy as he threw back his head and reveled in the moment as though he didn’t have a care in the world.

As she realized that she would never see that person ever again, Soel’s sobs heightened and she found herself gripping her skirt and screaming in frustration at her loss and her helplessness. When a strong hand gripped her shoulder and gently guided her into a hug, she did not resist. She laid her head on her father’s broad chest and cried her eyes out as he held her in his embrace and patted her while promising over and over again that it will be alright.

They stayed that way for hours before Soel was completely spent and fell asleep from exhaustion in his warm embrace. She was lost to the world when her father gently gathered her in his arms and carried her back home.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ju sat on the steps leading down to Lake Dongji and absent-mindedly tossed pebbles into the still water as he reflected on his conversation with his mother. Things had not exactly progressed the way his father predicted but then again, these were early days. He should be feeling happy if not elated that things were progressing at all and yet all that he felt was shame. He had not lied to his mother outright and yet he let her believe the worst about her husband in hopes that her anger would keep her from seeing his real motives.

He wondered how long it would be before Soel heard about the royal wedding. He could not forewarn her and it broke his heart when he reflected on how hurt she would be upon hearing the news from someone else. Would she understand? Would she hate him enough to never want to see him again?

“Regretting your decision already?”

Ju quickly stood and bowed to the King who walked down the steps nonchalantly, as though he was just stopping to discuss the weather with his son while taking a lazy stroll around his garden. But Ju knew that his father never took walks in the afternoon. He noticed that the King’s personal bodyguards stood a couple of feet farther than they usually did and sensed that this was definitely not a chance encounter. He turned with a genuine smile to face his father who had timed his spur-of-the-moment outing to deliberately run into his son and have a personal conversation.

“No, I don’t regret it. But I can’t help feeling uneasy. I wish there was a way I could be honest about what I want without all the scheming and plotting.”

Ju sighed as he revealed his innermost thoughts to the one person he had never expected to share them with.

“Apparently, there is a world where everyone is equal; where you can be whatever you want, love whoever you want without reservation and marry the one you love. If you find your way to that world someday, maybe you can.”

Ju gave a short laugh but stopped himself when he glanced at the King. He was baffled by the hope and yearning in his father’s eyes.

“You weren’t joking? Such a world actually exists?”

King Gwangjong nodded. “Yes, a 1000 years from now.”

Ju gaped, unsure whether his father was having fun at his expense or having a mental breakdown and King Gwangjong burst out laughing.

“If you find it unbelievable, just add it to the million things I have said and done over the years that must have seemed crazy to you. I’m sure your mother taught you that most of the decisions I made were absurd. Now that I look back, I realize that I probably should have involved you a lot more. Even if no one else does, you have to understand why I did what I did because you will have to deal with the implications. You will inherit my legacy.”

The King’s shoulders slumped as he reflected on the years that he had lost to bitterness and blind rage. But Ju smiled as he shook his head.

“I understood, even when no one else did. Every single decision you made, I understood your rationale. I could deduce what you were trying to achieve, sometimes better than my mother could.  I saw the logic behind you actions even when I didn’t want acknowledge it. Even when I hated your decisions, even during the most barbaric of your purges, even when you barged in sword in hand to claim my neck, I understood why you had to do it. In fact, your motivations and reasoning were so obvious to me that it terrified me. Maybe it’s because I’m your son or maybe it’s because we read the same books or maybe it’s the knowledge that I’ll have to take over from you someday or maybe it’s all of those and more. Whatever the reason, I want you to know that I always understood.”

Ju felt a weight lifting off his shoulder. It was a simple confession of something he had known all his life and yet being able to acknowledge it somehow liberated him. He had spent too many years being ashamed of the kinship he felt with someone who hated his very existence.

When he looked up, he was shocked to see a lone tear roll down his father’s cheek. King Gwangjong quickly averted his face and blinked, attempting to give the impression that his eyes were watering because of the bright light.

“There is still hope for you”, he said with a short laugh, “You might make a decent King. After all, you are as smart as I am and as sly as your mother.”

“But I’m not like either of you. I can’t seem to find any joy in plotting and scheming. Such victories somehow seem hollow and meaningless. You probably think that I’m being overly dramatic and sentimental but it terrifies me that even if I’m a decent King, I would also be a very miserable one”, Ju said with a sigh and a sad smile.

“I don’t think you are being overly dramatic. I understand what you mean. But it’s a burden you must bear”, King Gwangjong said as he opened his arms wide. Walking into his father’s embrace, Ju smiled in contentment. He could finally acknowledge that he was proud of his father and his legacy and he could accept himself for who he was with all the constituent frailties, inadequacies and inconsistencies. He might not be perfect but he was still the son of King Gwangjong and when the time comes, he will do his best to be a wise and just King.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soel woke up to find her father nodding off on a chair by her bedside. As she tried to sit up, he was up in an instant and by her side, propping her up on some pillows. Without a word, he picked up a bowl of porridge and Soel opened to accept the spoonful that was towards her. She was thankful for the silence and willed the bowl of porridge to last forever as she dreaded the questions that were bound to follow. What explanation could she possibly give for her behavior?

Placing the empty bowl back in the tray, Jung turned to his daughter and asked without preamble, “Do you like him so much?”

Too tired and worn out to think of an appropriate answer, Soel simply nodded assent. Jung sighed and patted his daughter’s head. He didn’t need to ask more. He had seen that expression on a very similar face years ago. The pained look on her father’s face quickly brought Soel back to her senses.

“But you have nothing to worry about, Father. Obviously, it was not meant to be. He has given up and moved on, and so will I.”

Soel gave her father a brave smile even as shards of glass tore into her heart. Jung took a deep breath, his inner conflict apparent in his face. But eventually, his love for his daughter won over his resolve to honor his beloved. The moment he heard the news from the capital, he had known instinctively what it really meant.

“I don’t think he has given up just yet. Far from it, I think this just might be a master-. But he couldn’t have come up with this all on his own and it terrifies me because I have no idea who exactly is pulling the strings.”