Chapter 3: Concern

Myungsoo wasn't sure how long he had been out for when he awoke this time. His head pounded and his ribs ached as he moved slightly. A soft pressure on his chest stopped his squirming and he opened his eyes to see blonde hair in the dim light of the room.

"Sungjong..." He breathed, moving to his lover's head as the pretty blonde cuddled against him. "What are you doing?"

"Your heart... It sounds so sad... Is it really that hard without me?" The other looked up at him with big, sad eyes and it was all he could do to keep from crying.

"Every second... Every ing second without you... Sungjong, it's a nightmare... No... It's hell..." Running his fingers through those beautiful locks, he could almost forget his reality. Almost forget that the love of his life was rotting in a casket... "I can't do this without you..."

"You can." Sungjong assured him, his voice calming as the younger moved up to kiss him lovingly. "You can do this. You're strong, baby. You're going to be alright. I believe in you."

"I don't..." He let out a harsh laugh. Didn't Sungjong realize that the only reason Myungsoo even existed was because of him. He had no interest in anything before the gorgeous angel came into his life and now he wasn't sure how to even breathe without him by his side.

"I love you, Myungsoo. Please. Try to find your way without me." Tears formed in his lover's eyes and Myungsoo felt his chest tighten.

"I love you too, Sungjong. But I can't. Not without you." He held onto the other tightly, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath to steady himself. The sound of his bedroom door opening caused him to look up again. Sungjong was gone.

"Myungsoo...?" Sungyeol sounded nervous as he crept toward the bed. "You're talking to yourself. Are you okay?"

"No..." He replied, feeling a pain in his chest again as he sat up and reached for his alcohol. "Nothing will ever be okay. Not ever again." He felt the bed move slightly as Sungyeol sat beside him. Not bothering to move, he allowed his friend to rest their head on his shoulder.

"I know it's nothing like what you're feeling... But I miss him too, you know. He was my best friend and now... Now he's just gone..." He hadn't thought about that. Making a mental note to be kinder to Sungyeol, he took a large drink and leaned against the headboard.

"Go back to bed. Im fine." He muttered, closing his eyes again. He felt Sungyeol shift on the bed and felt a hand on his cheek.

"You know it would hurt him to see you like this..." The feeling of lips against his forehead lasted only a moment before he heard Sungyeol leave the room. Taking another drink, he curled up on his side, tightly hugging the pillow that still smelled like Sungjong as he return to blissful sleep.

The next time he awoke was to hands on his shoulders and gentle shaking. Sungkyu was leaning over his bed, a worried expression on his face. Myungsoo growled and shoved him away.

"The do you want?" He grumbled, pulling the blanket over his head. "Get lost."

"Sungyeol said he heard you talking to someone last night. Want to tell me about it?" Sungkyu took a small step back and Myungsoo could feel his eyes looking him over, judging him, pitying him.

"No. I don't." He huddled further under the blankets, hoping the other man would just leave.

"Fine. But you need to come try to eat again." Sungkyu gave a long silence while he waited for an answer he never recieved. "Myungsoo, get up or I'll send Howon to come get you."

With a groan, Myungsoo swung his legs out of bed, taking a drink from the bottle on his nightstand as he shakily rose to his feet. He figured he'd end up vomitting his food again but decided it was a better option than being dragged around by Howon. Sungkyu was by his side, stabilizing him as he slowly made his way toward the kitchen.

Howon shoved a muffin and coffee across the table. His stomach lurched just thinking about consuming it. Going to the cupboard, Myungsoo pulled out a bottle of soju and a shot glass before reluctantly sitting in front of the food.

"Where is everyone?" He questioned, though he didn't honestly care about the answer. He just didn't want to hear anyone scolding him for drinking so early.

"Dongwoo and Woohyun had work." Sungkyu replied as he sat down to stuff a small chunk of muffin into Myungsoo's mouth. "Sungyeol went home to shower and get a little rest. He was too worried to sleep after your late night babbling."

"Can we just not talk about that?" His voice betrayed a little more of his desperation than he had intended. Clenching his jaw tightly, he gripped the table. He couldn't handle admitting that in his quiet moments, a phantom haunted him. That for a few moments, he was happy again only to have it all ripped away. Only to feel his heart shatter yet again.

"Calm down, Myungsoo. We won't force you to talk about it." Howon reached out to pat his back. "We won't make you talk about anything that hurts you." Sungkyu sighed, shaking his head as Myungsoo willed himself to relax again.

"Eat." Sungkyu insisted, pushing a bit of muffin against Myungsoo's lips. "If you eat we wont make you talk." Begrudgingly, he did as he was told, taking bites of muffin between shots of alcohol.

In the silence, his mind wandered back to Sungjong. If he were honest, he'd admit that he would gladly give up all of their friends to have him truly back. As heartless as it was, and he was quite aware of the cruel nature of those thoughts, he couldn't hold back that reality. Nobody's life meant more to him than Sungjong's had. More than his still did.

Howon excused himself before Myungsoo was done forcing his breakfast down his own throat. He hadn't caught the reason why and honestly he didn't really care. All he wanted was for it to all be over. For all of them to give up on him and leave him to rot with Sungjong's memory.

"Sungkyu..." Myungsoo finally realized something through his drunken haze and he found himself perplexed. "I locked my door last night. How did Sungyeol get in?"

"I had Woohyun break in for him before we left." Sungkyu just shrugged as though invading his privacy were no big issue. The shot slipped from his hand as he went the take another drink, coating what had remained of his clean clothes.

"..." Groaning, he hauled himself to his feet. "Make yourself useful and go buy me some laundry detergent."

"I could have Sungyeol pick some up on his way back..." Sungkyu hesitated and Myungsoo was more than aware that they didn't trust him alone. But he desperately needed to be without them. To have that chance to see Sungjong again even if it was all in his head.

"Either you go or I'll strip and go myself." He growled, clumsily tugging his dirty shirt off. "It's up to you." There was a long pause as Sungkyu seemed to size up Myungsoo's threat. The drunk man narrowed his eyes and made to tug down his own pants.

"Okay. Okay. I'll go. But I wont be gone long. Just... Just stay." With a heavy sigh, the other left. Myungsoo finished undressing and grabbed up his half empty bottle, stumbling to the bathroom to clean the alcohol off of himself. Starting the bath, he climbed into the tub and took a long drink. Unconsciousness soon consumed him once again.