a/n: this time, it's from Lu Han's point of view. enjoy!

Why do I feel so numb?

Is it something to do with where I come from?

Should this be fight or flight?

I don't know why I'm constantly reeling...

Helpless hysteria, a false sense of urgency.

Trapped in my phobia, possessed by anxiety.

Run, try to hide, overwhelmed by this complex delirium.

(Panic Attack - Dream Theater)

Yifan is coming back. As horror as it sounds, the Emperor himself who wants him back. Lu Han can only obey his demand. A part of him is happy, because he finally gets to see his brother after eleven years. Another part of him somehow remembers the incident that time when he was just 15. The other part of him... is scared. He's scared of Yifan being enthroned. Or anything related to that matter.

Eleven years... such a long time. In those years Lu Han has been trying to forget about the incident that kept haunting him. It started right after him being a crown prince when he turned 10. After that, Yifan seemed to distance himself from him, though they still occasionally talked. But then, five years later, a medicine that was supposed to relieve his cold turned out to be a poison one. He survived because he only took a sip; after he realised that the flavour wasn't like what he usually consumed, he stopped taking the "medicine". He felt dizzy, and his body trembled violently afterwards. With the help of kingdom's doctor and herbalist, he survived and regained consciousness, much to Lady Wu's dismay.

Lu Han never once forgot the disappointed look on Lady Wu's face. Right away, Lu Han understood what happened: Lady Wu, who was the empress at that time, whose son was the second prince... was the one who poisoned him. Lady Lu, Lu Han's mother, confronted the emperor to find the culprit and the wish was granted. Lu Han was going to stop the investigation, not wanting to break up the relationship between the princes (and the Ladies), but he saw Lady Wu had already been taken under arrest.

That was when the reality hit him hard. Lady Wu shouted to him, telling him that he was lucky to have been born earlier than Yifan. She also said that Yifan was more suitable for the title of crown prince. And the last thing she said was that she just helped his beloved son to get the title. With a disappointed, angry, and dejected look, she was deported to Taiwan. On the day after, Yifan was sent to Guangzhou.

For those eleven years, Lu Han has always been restless. He never spent a day without thinking if he really is suitable for the title of crown prince. Compared to his three half-brothers, he thinks that he is the one without any qualifications to be a crown prince. Yixing, for example. He's smart, hard-working, wise, kind-hearted, warm, and friendly. Zitao, his combat skill is unquestionably strong. He is best known as the brain of the army's tactics. Those two men are more suitable, despite Yixing having hemophilia and Zitao being a crybaby. For eleven years, Lu Han has been questioning himself; what qualification does he have to deserve the title?

And until this very second, the answer is always the same: he was born earlier than the other princes.

As much as he tries to find another reason, he could never deny that fact. Indeed, he was born earlier and it makes him the crown prince. Only that. Had he owned the sharp brain as Yixing's or strength as Zitao's, he wouldn't have been this restless. And also, that guy's devotion towards kingdom and the emperor.

Yifan, the son of the former empress who belongs to Wu Clan. When he was still in the palace, he was known as a full-time devoted prince. Maybe other people wouldn't see it, but actually he had more knowledge in infrastructure and city organising. Lu Han doesn't really know if Yifan continued learning those all or not, because after all, Yifan was sent to Guangzhou and everyone, except the emperor and his spy, hasn't been hearing from him. But all of a sudden, they heard that name again last night, after eleven years.

Yifan never told anyone, but Lu Han knew that he had a desire to be a successor of the throne. Lu Han doesn't know if Yixing and Zitao know it too, but it's not that important anyway. At least, he had witnessed enough; Yifan who never complained about what the emperor asked him to do, Yifan who always helped the emperor when His Highness was going to build some new infrastructure, and Yifan who cried silently when the emperor gave his eldest son a title of crown prince. Lu Han saw it and he still remembers the scene clearly like it happened yesterday. Lu Han recalls, when he celebrated the event only with his brothers, he didn't see Yifan. Only Yixing and Zitao attended the small party. Then, he looked for Yifan in the latter's chamber, only to find Yifan crying and complaining about him not being the crown prince on his mother's lap. Before the mother and son realised his presence, he had ran off, back to his other brothers. He only said Yifan was sick when they asked about him.

Lu Han also remembers, that was the beginning of their "cold-war". He maintains the great relationship with Yixing and communication with Zitao, but when Lu Han and Yifan passed each other, they only bowed and never talked. They actually still talked to each other, only when Yixing and Zitao were around. Or when they were in formal situation. Lu Han was still young, it was normal for him to be happy with his new title. It was also normal for him to want to keep the title. He was all naive and stupid, so he never considered the matter seriously although he was sad that his relationship with Yifan turned cold and shaky. Until he took the poison.

Not paying attention, he stands in front of the library. It has become his habit to pay a visit at the library to study more, as a crown prince should do. Usually, Yixing will also be there, studying many books. He's glad that his brother is really there, as he expected. Without Yixing knowing, Lu Han takes a seat right across the former.

"Yo," Lu Han greets.

Yixing gasps in shock. "Sheesh, Lu Han! Don't startle me like that!" he complained. "I thought you weren't coming."

Lu Han chuckles. As Yixing continues reading and writing, Lu Han takes a book to read. Because they usually come to library to study politics together, of course there are only books of politics on the table. Yixing studies herbology at the herbalist's house. Seeing how determined Yixing is, Lu Han thinks he doesn't want to lose. After all, he is the crown prince. Studying politics is one of the basics.

"Yixing," Lu Han calls. "What do you think?"

"About what?" Yixing replies, still writing down a note.

Lu Han is actually hesitant about this, but he really wants to ask. "You see, the matter which is called... 'The Return of Yifan'," he finally says.

With that, Yixing lifts his face to meet Lu Han's. He studies his elder half-brother for a minute before coming back to his note. "I am fine, and will always be fine. He's my brother whom I haven't seen for years."

"Are you happy that he's coming back? I got a letter this morning from my men that he's willing to come back here in Forbidden City," Lu Han states.

"Really? It's good then," Yixing replies, lifting his head for a second to smile at Lu Han before going back to his note again. "We will see him again in no time."

Lu Han doesn't respond. Indeed, Yixing never hates Yifan. He was the one who saw Yifan off. He also still believes that Yifan wasn't involved in the incident... well, actually he believes it too. Or to be exact, he wants to believe. Yifan was such a good kid and brother. That's why, he was quite happy when Yifan was only sent to Guangzhou and not to Taiwan with his mother.

"Are you okay with him coming back?" he asks.

Yixing puts his books and pen down on the corner of the table. His attention is now fixed on Lu Han only.

"That's my line," he starts. "Are you okay with him coming back?"

It hits Lu Han hard. Is he okay with Yifan coming back? Will he be okay? Will he welcome him warmly like Yixing would probably do? Or will he just coldly bow to him and say "welcome back" without any talks? Somehow, some scenes are playing in his mind, but he doesn't exactly know which one he would do. He could even imagine Yifan looking at him sharply and full of hate. Lu Han could never forget those hateful eyes, the same eyes as Lady Wu's who was disappointed with his survival of the poison. The eyes that asking why was he still alive, why were you ruining the plan, and why are you the oldest son again.

To Yixing's question, he can only shake his head. "I don't know..." he stares at outside.

Yixing smiles a bit. "I can understand. I won't judge you; you have every right to object the idea."

"But I didn't," Lu Han inhales.

"You just can't. Well, Emperor is the law. His Majesty wants his son back. I, too, want my brother back. That's why I'm happy that he's coming back here. But, I do understand why you're confused about everything. You were almost dead in Lady Wu's hand. That means, Yifan gege almost got your title. And you're kinda afraid if he, in case, tried to snatch the throne from you for the second time," Yixing concludes.

Yes, Yixing is right. He is kind of afraid. He knows he's still lack of many things, but he doesn't want to let go of the title. He wants to be the emperor, and he is blessed that he's the oldest son. But the competition between the princes (and the clans!) is cutthroat; once you make a mistake, then that's it, you're out. And you would probably be stepped on by those who couldn't forget your sin even after a century. That is just how the life of Royal Family members and their relatives revolves.

"But you know, I'm afraid as well if he still holds any grudges. As much as I want to reconcile with him, the memories never fails to stop me," Lu Han says.

"If anything, you're the one who should hold any grudges," Yixing retorts as he folds his arms on his chest. "But I'm not saying that you should really do that."

Lu Han can never hate his brothers. That's why he forgave Yifan. After all, Yifan didn't do anything wrong. Should he really make a mistake, then it would probably be that he's the second prince. His mother used to be the empress; if he was born earlier he could've been the crown prince. But fate is something that humans could never predict, Lu Han himself thinks that the life outside the Forbidden City would be great, but now that he's the crown prince, he's determined to do his best.

With that, Lu Han parts his way with Yixing, walking back to his chamber. He sees his first wife's maid in the front of the door. Ugh, why at this time. Having no option, he enters his chamber to see his first wife sitting on the chair. Lu Han takes a seat across her.

"Are you going to have some talk with me, Princess?" he starts.

The Princess only looks at him emotionlessly, even when she speaks.

"I just heard two things this morning," she says.

Lu Han lifts his eyebrow. "And what are they?"

"First," she pauses for a second, "that the second prince, Prince Yifan, is coming back to the Forbidden City."

"Yeah, so? Does it have anything to do with you? You never met him anyway," Lu Han shrugs.

The Princess nods. "Indeed, I've never met His Highness in person. But I've heard the ancient story about you two. Are you really okay with that? Aren't you afraid if he snatched your position as crown prince?"

"I'm not in the mood to talk about that matter, because, you said it yourself; it's such an ancient story," Lu Han answers calmly. He's even surprised that he could be that calm. "Also, I can ask the same thing to you. If he really snatched my position, would you be able to bear with the fact that you're not the crown princess? And that you wouldn't be the empress?"

Those questions bring the emotion back to her face. It's just as what Lu Han expected. He's always known that his first wife agreed to marry him just because he's the crown prince. Her father, the prime minister, is always up for power. He already has a son to succeed him as the prime minister, and he offered his daughter to Lu Han. Seeing that the empress dowager had no objection towards the idea, they got married around five years ago. But, Lu Han is someone who wants a wife whom he loves and loves him back, that's why he took another wife. Someone from a noble family too, but he truly loves her. Someone who doesn't really care if she can't be the crown princess, as long as she can be there for him. That's how selfless she is, that's why Lu Han can't escape from her. He's just willingly trapped by her charm.

"Now, let's jump to the second thing you heard this morning. Mind telling me?" Lu Han says before his first wife could say anything else.

She bites her own lower lip, not sure if she has to mention it. Kneading her dress, with a low voice, she speaks, "I heard your concubine is pregnant."

That catches him off guard.

"She's pregnant? Really?" Lu Han's eyes are sparkling, his lips form a wide smile. "She hasn't even told me! Well, now that you'll excuse me--"

"You're throwing me away again," his first wife talks, cutting him off. "Why don't you just divorce me or something?"

Lu Han frowns. "That's not funny, lady."

"Do you think I wouldn't really mind seeing my husband getting all excited and thrilled when it comes to his another wife? I am a woman too, Your Highness! I am also your wife!"

"Are you seeking for my love now? You know we got married because it was arranged, and didn't we agree that it is political marriage? And that the love between us is unnecessary?"

Lu Han's first wife trembles. "I know, I know... but I'm still your wife. When you become the emperor later, I'll be your empress. I have the obligation to give birth to your heir. But these five years... you've never even once touched me..."

Lu Han then walks towards his wife, kneeling down before her. He looks at her right to her eyes and speaks, "You and your hunger for power. There's no need for me to touch you, you don't mean it anyway. But worry not. She is the one who doesn't have any desire for power. I promise you I won't let my unborn child interfere with your power chasing."

His first wife stares at him fiercely. "How can you be so sure about that? She could've put on a mask, you know."

Lu Han sighs. "Even so, I'll still love her."

"You're despicable."

"You're bad-mouthing the crown prince."

"I hope it's a girl."

"Then she would be cute."

"Make love to me tonight."

Again, it catches Lu Han off guard.

"What happened to you today? You're not the usual you. You were always fine with me not touching you, now you're asking me to make love with you? What are you scheming?" he asks, his sharp gaze is battling against his wife's.

But then, her gaze gets softened. She now looks at him with sadness... and affection. She reaches out for his hands to keep them in hers. Without tears, she says, "I'm sorry I have been such a jerk to you. I've always known that you hate my family, and I also know that you never love me. I can bear with that, but I can't bear with the fact that you hate me. Please don't, I beg you. I want to give birth to your child as well. Not as a successor to my family or your clan, but as a bound between us. I admit, I have come to love you... I know I broke our agreement, and I do understand that the one you truly love isn't me. But you see, I am your wife. Treat me like one."

Never once Lu Han thought that she would really come to love him. He always thinks that it's a mere political marriage. And to think of it, such a scene had happened before between his father and his two wives. His mother and Yifan's. Lady Wu was known as a woman with the hunger for power. It's no longer a secret, and His Majesty's other wives didn't seem to really care about the title of empress... as long as they got His Majesty's love. It's just that because of his love for his mother, she got pregnant first. When it was revealed that the unborn baby's gender was a boy, Lady Wu begged His Majesty to do the same. Though she also gave birth to a baby boy, because Lady Lu gave birth earlier, the title of crown prince still went to Lu Han, despite her being a former head of royal maidens. That was when it all started.

Sighing, Lu Han gets up and takes a few steps away from her. They're still looking at each other in silence, unsure about what to say. This is the first time she speaks out her mind, revealing the side of her he never knew before. He almost forgot about the fact that she's still his wife, and a woman. He always saw her as a strong woman with ambition clouding her eyes, but when her gaze got softened earlier he kinda realised that she's a woman who needs his warmth, attention, protection... and love. All of a sudden, he feels guilty towards her. But, a part of him is curious if she has ulterior motive. He's curious if she's scheming something like Lady Wu did.

"Let's settle things later. For now, let me visit my second wife. You can go back to your chamber," Lu Han says as he leaves for her second wife's chamber to greet her, not noticing that his first wife sees him off with a dejected look.

But then, Lu Han really granted her wish. Around three days after that, he made love to her. He doesn't know if it worked but for the first time, he made love with her first wife after 5 years of marriage. She was nice, even nicer than her second wife was, but he's still in doubt whether he would love her equally. He admits it was such a great night that he is sure he will get a nice dream but it turns out that his dream is such a scary one. It is something he can never forget.

He dreams of the worst incident in his life eleven years ago.

He dreams of Lady Wu giving him the poison, he drank it, and he died.

He dreams of Lady Wu laughing at his corpse evilly while the Emperor puts the crown on Yifan's head.

Lu Han gasps and breathes heavily as he gets up. His sweat covers his forehead and nape, his heartbeat goes crazy, as well as his pulse. As he regains his sense back, he tries to catch his breath. It was scary, really, but he's glad it was only a dream. Right after that, a hand is sweeping away his sweat and he realises that he has woken up his wife.

"A nightmare?" she asks.

Lu Han can only nod as an answer to her question, since he's lost of words. She smiles calmly to him, and soon after she lets his head to rest on the crook of her bare neck. He never knew before that she is this warm and calming. He closes his eyes and circles his arms around her thin waist. He is so thankful she's there for him. She doesn't say or ask anything about his nightmare, instead she soothes him by singing a slow song and her one hand gently his back.

"What time is it?" Lu Han asks.

"Five in the morning. Would you like some tea or you want to take a bath first?" she asks in return.

"Tea sounds great," Lu Han says as he leans away from her. "Thank you. We never fancy nightmare, so thank you."

She smiles dearly. "You're welcome, Your Highness."

Just right when she is getting up from the bed, Lu Han's eunuch and his wife's maid announce something unpredictable.

"Your Highness, we would like to announce that Prince Yifan has arrived at the Forbidden City together with his consort and daughter. They're heading towards the Emperor's chamber, and His Majesty wants the Royal Family to gather in Palace of Heavenly Purity in half an hour."

a/n: a bit longer tha the previous chapter. but still, I'm sorry that it's too short and the story seems so slow-paced but in this chapter I want to tell you about what's inside Lu Han's mind and heart, and the internal conflict that happens inside of him. anyway, thank you for reading, subscribing, and upvoting! I hope it won't be such a disappointment or a turn off. also, they new poster/cover! ^^ see you, hopefully, next week. if you want to talk to me >> ask.fm/chenpai ^^