Paris, France.

Pretending is not easy. At least for Hansol.

Hansol finds it hard pretending in front of Sa-chan, pretending he can see Yoonoh, talking to Yoonoh – although it’s really hard because he doesn’t know what’s exactly Yoonoh said because Yoonoh is only Sa-chan’s hallucination, not real, only happens inside of Sa-chan’s head.

Hansol still remembers vividly how Sa-chan reacted that day, when Hansol told him that Yoonoh is not real, just a product of his imagination.

“ARE YOU TELLING ME YOONOH HAS DIED?”

“YOONOH IS HERE! HOW CAN’T YOU SEE HIM?!” Sa-chan was furious. Both of his eyes were red out of anger and sadness. Before Hansol could saying further, Sa-chan dropped on his knees and bawled his eyes out, didn’t mind if the restaurant’s cold and dirty floor makes his knees and palms hurt, didn’t mind if people around them were looking at him while whispering, watching him as if it’s a free theater show.

“Nooooo! Don’t kill Yoonoh! Pleasee…. don’t kill Yoonoh!”

“GOOO! RUN YOONOH!”

Sa-chan’s pupils dilated, filled with terror. His body trembled in fear. He lowered himself on the floor even more, as if he’s bowing to a cruel king and shielding himself from the invisible attack – whatever it was that’s going to happen, inside of his head.

“Just hurt me, please….”

“Yoonoh, Go! Let me take this… just let me take all of these pains. It doesn’t matter. You have to live. You’re still too young. Don’t let those bastards hurt you.” Sa-chan lifted his head up a bit, talking to his hallucination, as if his hallucination is really there.

“PLEASE YOONOH, JUST GOOOOO! GO! GO! RUN! NOW!” His hand making a gesture, drive his hallucination away.

“Sa-chan? Sa-chan?” Hansol didn’t know what to do at that time. Sa-chan was just keeps crying and shouting incoherent things, Hansol could only catch some words: Yoonoh; run; and just hurt me.

“Sa-chan… Yoonoh is alive. He’s alive.” Hansol hugged Sa-chan, tightened it more when Sa-chan was trying to push Hansol away. Hansol kissed Sa-chan’s temple gently as he kept tightening his embrace, but his petite boyfriend was only crying.

Hansol didn’t know why he said those words, but he decided to just play along. He would do anything to make Sa-chan stop crying, because seeing Sa-chan wailing like this was making Hansol’s heart bleeding.

“Yoonoh is alive. He’s alright. He’s alright.” Hansol didn’t stop kissing Sa-chan’s temple as he kept whispering those words softly, trying to calm Sa-chan.

Sa-chan nodded and buried his face on Hansol’s chest.

After that day, Hansol brought Sa-chan to his adoptive parent’s home in Ars-en-Re, wishing Sa-chan would feel better if he’s out of the big city, also Hansol wished to talk to Sa-chan’s parents, wanted to know more about Sa-chan’s past.

“Sasuke is always a bit… different. Since the first time we adopted him, we know he is special. At first, he refused to talk. Since I’m Japanese, I tried to talk to him – thinking that he can’t speak French – and gave him a lot of Japanese foods, but he was just crying. My heart was really hurt at that time, how could a small kid like him crying like that? As if he had seen and experienced something terrible in his life before. The head nun told me, they found Sasuke in a street near the orphanage, in a really awful condition, like he’s some sort of survivor of the abusive family. The nun didn’t know anything about him, including his name, since he didn’t want to talk. They started calling him Sasuke since one of the kids in the orphanage said Sasuke looks like his favorite anime character, Sasuke. Sasuke smiled whenever people called him Sasuke, and started talking to them, though not much. My husband persuaded me to just adopt another child, the more normal one, but I had fallen for Sasuke. I kept coming back to the orphanage. Sasuke was always sitting alone in the backyard while other kids were playing football. He didn’t have any friend. He told me he did. He told me he had 2 friends. Imaginary friends, as I said, but he insisted they’re real. At that time, we thought it’s nothing important, as we know kids usually have imaginary friends.”

 “But, these imaginary friends later gave him a lot of troubles at school. He’s an outcast. People started judging him because he always talks alone, like a crazy kid. Crazy…” Mrs.Leroy shook her head and stopped talking. She’s smiling but her eyes were wet.

“He got a lot of detentions. He got into small accidents often because of those imaginary friends. I didn’t let him riding the bicycle anymore to school since that time, always sent and picked him up everyday. When he’s 14, he never played with his imaginary friends anymore, but he started talking about his brother. We thought he really had a brother, so we said we would help him finding his brother. But he said… mom, do you know how to cook Korean food? Can you cook bibimbap for Yoonoh? He said he’s hungry but now he’s asleep at my room. Yoonoh really loves Korean food. At that time… at that time…” Mrs.Leroy cried louder. Hansol embraced her, patting her back softly.

“If you think it’s too hard, it’s okay to….”

“No, Hansol!” She cut Hansol off. “You have to know.”

And so she started telling Hansol more about Sa-chan’s past.

“He had to take the medication and admitted into the hospital. It breaks my heart, Hansol, seeing him like that. He received the therapy for years. He dropped out of school because he had to stay 24/7 at the hospital. It’s too dangerous letting him staying outside of the hospital, he could harm himself because of his hallucinations. It’s not easy to make him better, but he did. Finally he did it. He never brought up anything about Yoonoh anymore. His therapist said he could stay at home, but under the tight supervision, and had to keep taking the medication.”

“Yoonoh had gone from his mind, but… 6 months later… Sasuke started talking about his another brother. It’s… scared us, because he would cry hysterically whenever he talked to this new brother. I forgot his name. It’s scary, and it’s not something I want to remember. Sasuke attempted suicide, many times. He never did it when he had Yoonoh in his mind before. But the new brother made him more dangerous. We sent him back to the hospital, almost didn’t make it on time.”

“After a year, he got better. He could study. I sent him a private tutor. He’s happy. He started to smile like his usual bright smile. He had real friends at the hospital, his therapist introduced him to them on the group therapy. They had the same disorder, but had gotten better, better than Sasuke.”

“We hired a personal therapist to monitor Sasuke’s condition at home, we sent him back home because I missed him a lot. Everything was alright. There’s no more hallucination. He could engage into a real world. He became happier. He still didn’t have close friends tho, aside of his friends at the hospital. He never said he’s interested in girl, or boy, romantically. I know he’s not a fan of any physical contact. He looked afraid whenever his friends were being too close to him. He couldn’t hug people aside of us. His therapist said, it’s related with his past.”

“Sasuke got better day by day. We started to let him do everything alone, we let him thought he did everything alone, but in fact we’re still watching him. We had a lot of CCTV at home. We still put those CCTV until now, in his apartment in Paris. You might not realize it...”

“I did.”

Mrs.Leroy gasped. “You did?”

Hansol nodded. “But I never thought the reason is that. I also noticed he often take the medication. He told me its vitamin. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it sooner. I should’ve protected him better. His apartment once flooded because of Yoonoh. The other times it’s almost burned…”

Mrs.Leroy patted Hansol’s back hand, gave Hansol a really warm and thankful smile. “You’re the best thing ever happened in his life. I almost couldn’t believe it, when he said he has a boyfriend. I know how thoughtful you are, Hansol. Sasuke always told me how much he loves you. He’s thankful you could understand him. I’m sorry, if… Sasuke didn’t make you happy, you couldn’t do anything more than kissing him…”

“I’m happy. I love Sasuke. It doesn’t matter. I date him not just for . He told me he’s not ready, and it’s okay for me.”

“Thank you, Hansol. Thank you. I’m sure he’ll get better later. I saw you two kissing on the lips. It’s a good progress to get over his trauma.” Mrs. Leroy smiled. But a second later, she’s frowning. “When Yoonoh reappeared inside of his mind, we thought to ask Sasuke went back home, here with us, but we know it would crush his dream. So, we hired our previous therapist for him. Did you notice the maid? She’s not the usual maid, but a therapist. She helped Sasuke a lot. Since he dated you, his therapist only came thrice a week, she said he got better. Yoonoh didn’t always come in his head, and it’s good. Honestly, Yoonoh is a better choice than his other brother. At least, when he has Yoonoh in his head, he would never harm himself.”

“Sasuke’s afraid, if you know his disorder, you’d leave him. Now you’ve known about it. Would you leave him, Hansol~a?”

“No. I would never leave him. I love him so much. I’d help him. I’d do anything for him.”

Mrs.Leroy nodded. “Thank you, Hansol~a. I hope his other brother would never make the reappearance in his head. I know his disorder can’t be healed fully. He would have to take the medication as long as he lives. He can’t be fully healed, but he still can live like us.”

Hansol heaves a sigh, remembering his conversation with Sa-chan’s mother 5 months ago.

Now, after knowing Sa-chan’s disorder, Hansol could help him better, could protect him better, and also treat him better. He tried as much as he can to make Sa-chan could live like a normal people.

Sa-chan’s therapist said, whenever Sa-chan having the episode, Hansol has to remind him that his hallucination is not real. But it’s easier said than done.

In reality, it’s so much easier to play along with Sa-chan. It’s not because Hansol dumbly gets into Sa-chan’s abnormal world, b