In his entire life, never even just for once Jung Jaehyun stalks someone. Today is an exception. He’s been secretly following and staring at the grey haired man since this morning, Lee Taeyong, the 4th year student, majoring in psychology, have a lot of admirers but doesn’t realizing it – or maybe he does – but choose to ignore the fact and not take advantage of his popularity, goes anywhere in the campus with his bestfriend except when he goes to the library, gives off a really cold aura but once he smiles everyone could feel how lovely and warmhearted he is, that’s all Jaehyun have known for today.

Jaehyun curious, if Taeyong is Jay’s lover, why did he pretend to not know Jaehyun yesterday, when they met in the library? If Taeyong is Jay’s lover, he should’ve known better, Jay doesn’t go to college. Jaehyun is wondering, maybe Taeyong knows more than Jaehyun thinks he is.

Jaehyun also can’t stop himself for being curious with Jay’s letter. Why did Jay write as if Jaehyun have known Taeyong since before?! Since 10 years ago, or more than that?!

~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~

Taeyong knows, Jung Jaehyun has been stalking him for almost a week. He has no idea why Jaehyun did it. Taeyong recalls something strange yesterday. There’s Jaehyun’s scent lingering on his pillow.

Taeyong curses himself for having a really weak tolerance on alcohol. He remembers drinking soju with Jay yesterday, but he can’t remember how he could arrive at his home, and anything happened when he’s drunk.

“What if Jay disappeared when I was drunk? What if Jaehyun… saw me?” Taeyong mumbles as he tries his best to not glancing back at Jaehyun. Jaehyun is a bad stalker, really! Everyone could notice him easily. Even Ten, who’s usually too ignorant with his surrounding start suspecting something.

“Someone’s been watching you. He looks familiar.” Ten frowns as he stops walking to turns around.

“Ha…ha. No one is watching me, Ten.” Taeyong lets out a weird laugh as he grabs Ten’s wrist, making the Thai boy walks faster.

Ten knows Jay! Ten should not see Jaehyun here!

Jung Jaehyun you stupid! You should’ve been hiding yourself better, and what’s wrong with that weird hat?! Trying to imitate Sherlock Holmes, huh? Silly! Taeyong bites his lower lip to hide his smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s almost 2 weeks since the last time Taeyong met Jay, since they’re drinking soju together at the tteokpoki stall around Taeyong’s neighborhood. And it’s almost a month since the last time Taeyong met Yoonoh, Jaeyook, and White.

Taeyong doesn’t understand with the sudden disappearance of Jaehyun’s alter egos. And even though Jaehyun had been watching Taeyong secretly for a week, it’s not like Taeyong could approach him and talk to him about his disorder. Taeyong doesn’t want making Jaehyun scared. When Taeyong caught Jaehyun staring, the younger stopped following him. Maybe Taeyong should’ve just pretended to not know about Jaehyun stalking him. Now, a week have passed since the last time Taeyong saw Jaehyun at the campus.

Taeyong worried what if something bad happened to Jaehyun?! His uncle has no idea about Jaehyun, too.

“It’s better if Jay or Jaeyook takes control most of the time. I’m worried if it’s Yoonoh or White.”

Taeyong stares at Kim Jae Joong across the room who’s still preparing for the dinner. Taeyong decided to come over to his uncle's place to discuss about Jaehyun. Yes, that’s the main purpose. The other’s purpose is of course to taste the delicious meal! Seriously, if his uncle is not a psychiatrist, Taeyong 100% sure his uncle would become a great chef.

“I know Yoonoh is suicidal. But, White? Why are you worried about him, uncle? Because he can’t talk?”

Jaejoong heaves a deep sigh. “You don’t understand, do you? About White’s drawings?”

“Most of them. I couldn’t interpret them.”

“Not only interpreting it, Tae, but also deeper than that, understanding the meaning behind those drawings.” Jaejoong puts the plates full of pasta on the dining table and takes a seat in front of Taeyong.

“White is the youngest among them. He’s the most vulnerable. He’s the one who remembers his past since the start without the help of the hypnosis. He’s the one who remembers most of the painful memories. After some therapy sessions, Yoonoh could remember it too. Jaeyook remembers many things, but not as much as White and Yoonoh. Jay? Jay is the older version of White, he’s dangerous, yes, but at least he could protect himself, and he’s more dangerous to other people, he would never hurt himself, at least not in suicidal ways. Even though all of them have the different consciousness and personality, there’s a main string connected them altogether. I think I’ve found it, though just the surface. I have to dig into it deeper.”

Taeyong’s eyes widen. “W-what? But… uncle, why did you not tell me about it earlier?!”

“Why are you hiding a lot of things from me too, then?”

Taeyong stiffens. He lowers his gaze on the floor. “I-I’m sorry, uncle, I’m just… I don’t know. You said I’ve triggered his disorder. Maybe I’m too arrogant to think that Jaehyun could get better if I help him as his friend.”

“You’ve helped him a lot. They trust you. I don’t blame you, Tae. It’s just… I’m afraid something bad would happen to you. DID is not an easy case. There’s a possibility an unknown identity take over Jaehyun’s consciousness, the dangerous one, more dangerous than Jay, Yoonoh, Jaeyook, and White. Why I said more dangerous? Because you don’t know anything about this unknown, this new identity, and you don’t have any idea how to handle him.”

Jaejoong inhales a deep breath. “Tae, you don’t know, all of them, Jay-Jaeyook-White-Yoonoh are in fact suicidal. It’s just…they have different ways. Jay is a narcissistic who loathes himself, he has something grand in mind how to end his life, but not too soon as he still has a lot of things to do. The revenge is what keeping him alive, and so he transfers his bad energy outside of himself. He’s dangerous to people around him, he wouldn’t think twice to kill someone if that someone is deserved to die.”

“White’s phobia of the fire is what’s keeping him alive. He always wants to die just like how his parents and brother died, burnt to death. But he’s too afraid to do so. He keeps a lot of secrets and he has millions unspoken words. The meaning behind his drawings is really dark, darker than Yoonoh or Jay’s thoughts, but like I’ve said, thanks to his phobia, he’s still alive until now. You know why he often came to the therapy sessions? It’s because he thinks I’d help him facing his phobia. He thinks the art therapy given to him is to help him facing his fears, meanwhile actually it’s to help me understanding Jaehyun’s past better. We can’t let White gets over his phobia.”

“Is it allowed to lie to your client?”

“If it could save him, why not?”

Taeyong nods. “What about Jaeyook and Yoonoh?”

“I’ve told you, Jaeyook is the safest among them. He’s the one whom I’ve allowed to talk to Jaehyun. His memory of his brother is so much different from the rest of the alter egos. Jaeyook is the hope among them. His depression is not too severe like the others, and he’s the one who has the positive reason to live. Cooking, and finding his brother and his mother are what keeping him alive.”

“Yoonoh has no one, and nothing to keep him alive. If Jay has the revenge, White has the phobia, Jaeyook has the hope, Yoonoh… has nothing. He simply lives because he breaths. That’s before he remembers his past. I’m starting to question myself, maybe letting Yoonoh remembers his past is the bad decision.”

“What’s my… relationship with them? I mean... in the past? Jay knows about it. But I’m not sure with the others.” Taeyong is fidgeting in his chair.

“White knows. But not with Jaeyook and Yoonoh. I wish Yoonoh could know, or remember about you too. So he would have a reason to live.”

“I… don’t understand, uncle.”

Jaejoong smiles. “Me too. I’m still trying to figure out many things. I’m still doubting a lot of things. I can’t believe everything the alter egos said right away, because the chance of those memories not what’s exactly happened is high. It could be just the manifestation of the fears, not the real memories. Jaehyun is the main identity. He holds the key, but I still can’t find it in him. He’s afraid of finding out his past.”

 “I can’t tell you what Jay and White know about you, as I fear it could lead to confusions, since you can’t remember anything about your past. But let me tell you this, Tae, you are important for them, but you bring them pain. They love you and hate you at the same time.”

Taeyong gasps. Jay and White… hate him?

“Uncle.” Taeyong’s gaze when he says the words is certain. He has never felt as certain as now about something in his life before. “Help me remember my past.”

“It won’t be easy, Tae.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ********** ~~~~~~~~~~

“John, do you know where’s Jay?” One night, Taeyong decides to call Johnny and asks about Jay.

Johnny