Looking back I know I was foolish. Entertained and completely taken over Namjoon, I had lost my touch with the surrounding. Whatever claws he had used to grip my heart with felt now like a bed of flowers. Had I been a thousand miles away, I would have still been able to hear his blood, feel the smile he was often holding back as we moved our hearts in what seemed an infinite dance across the rooms of the old house. And the moon was up, turning her tricks over our minds, making the blood run faster and faster as we fell deeper into the abyss lying at our feet. But I was no longer afraid of the fall because he was always there to catch me, wrap his arms around me.

He had been dormant for such a long time, that his passion was scary for him while I welcomed every bit of it. He was reaching out a bit doubtful as if touching me was going to break him. However it was I who was breaking, unfolding under his touch. There was nothing left hidden from him, both my mind and soul twisting around him as he desired.

Oh, the nights, how eternal they felt as his fingers strummed my heart to sing for him!

Oh, his touches – they burned and healed, carving his name into my skin and flesh, marking me as his.

Oh, how young and foolish I was! We were breaking the unspoken rule of that fascinating world that had taken me in: never fall too deep, so deep or it’ll break you.

***

“Do you still love him?” Namjoon asked one time while we lain on my bed, his fingers twisting and turning a strand of my long hair. “That punk, Jimin, I mean.”

He was concentrated on his finger in my hair as if the secret of life was hiding there, ready for him to reach out and grab it. I had to put my hand over his to make him look at me. As deep as our connection ran, I could’ve easily read his mind to see what fear lain behind his flat tone. But I preferred looking into his eyes and read them over his thoughts. “His love is still here,” I confessed, placing my other hand on my chest, where my dead heart lain to rest.

“I’m gonna kick his back to the woods,” he hissed, pulling my hair a bit harder.

Leaving my chest alone, I reached out and sprawled my fingers over his. “However you run deeper inside of me. You are everywhere, in every cell and thought of mine. While he kept me warm, you keep me alive. While he was desired, you are needed just like my human self needed air to survive. I can live without him, but if you turn mad and decide to die I would too, without hesitating a moment, not even for a second, die with you.”

Even then I knew his eyes tell more than his mind. I could see excitement, joy and a slight distrust mixing in there as he looked at me with his mouth slightly ajar.

“You are crazy,” he sighed, resting his forehead against my temple. “If I turn mad, run as fast as you can and leave me behind, okay?”

“Namjoon –” His finger shushed me quickly.

“Run and never look back. Because even if I turn mad, I would never be able to live with myself, knowing I killed you,” he placed himself on top so I could not look anywhere else but at him. “I don’t know what this is, what this feeling is. I’ve been dead for too long now. But this much I know: I don’t want to lose it. So please, run.”

The concern in his eyes, the fire that spread in his heart – it was important for him, so I bowed down for the first time. “Okay,” I said, spreading my arms wide open to allow him to crash into my embrace.

“Promise me!” He didn’t even move, his eyes insisting.

“I promise.”

***

We lived with the blinds pulled down over the windows not bothered by the sun outside while we lived off new discovered parts of the bond. How long it lasted? I wouldn’t be able to tell for real. It might have been days or weeks or even months – I long lost the idea of time and if I now look back it still feels like it all zoomed past me.

But that day it was raining heavily so we left the window open to hear and smell the rain while idly sitting on the red sofa hidden behind one of the bookshelves, Namjoon’s arms around me in perfect closure. The rain droplets hitting the leaves took over our thoughts as we succumbed into silence. Words were useless – everything else was useless and nothing could put out the desire that was burning my lips as I hungrily looked for his. I has already ed his shirt to marvel once again at the soft texture of the skin underneath when the office’s door banged open, making me freeze and listen to what seemed a shushed fight.

“Are we ever going to leave here, Seok