THIRTEEN

“Class dismissed!”

Joy breathed a sigh of relief as she stuffed her things into the bag. Her lack of awareness was obvious when the small amount of her things took her so long to get everything done.

Something warm and wet suddenly fell into the back of her hand.

Tears.

Joy was shocked and quickly wiped the tears away. Lately, she cried a lot, didn’t care about the time or place, she had come to a phase where she could not control it anymore. The tears were like having their own desires other than hers.

The blonde felt stupid. Very, very stupid.

And she was also frightened. Afraid if her feelings were seen by others, afraid if her feelings were seen by her friends,

Afraid of being seen by Wendy.

And sure enough, not long after that her best friend came to her.

.

“What's wrong?”

 

“Nothing.” Joy said.

Wendy did not give up until there,

“I know better, Joy.”

Wendy’s impulsive response instantly returned her memory back to a few days ago. Memory of a red room.

“Sometimes, it's better to know nothing at all.”

Her red lips trembled while she said that. She felt something warm creeping out again which already became so familiar to her for the past days. The things that were falling out of her will. It would not happen anymore, so Joy quickly wiped the warm water before they’re falling out.

Still, being raised together since they were just babies, she could not fool Wendy,

“What's wrong?!” Wendy raised the tone of her voice but still making sure it was just for the both of them to hear.

Joy looked into Wendy's eyes, there was anxiety there. She really could not bear to let her friend be dragged into all this. She would never let Wendy get involved further with this personal problem of hers. Joy's decision to keep all of the secrets from Wendy made her heart felt stuffy, tightened her chest really strong. Her heart was rapidly beating, she breathing roughly.

Suddenly all the voices of her classmates faded, the room was suddenly silenced, imperturbable, as Wendy's arms held her head tightly, embracing it into an understandable hug. Wendy who’s still standing made it easier for her to gently Joy's head in order to calm her blonde friend down.

Wendy's action actually worsened the situation,

When she could not bear the urge to cry any longer, Joy clasped her friend's waist and buried her head there.

She cried, as hard as she could.

In the emptiness of their gloomy class.

***

“Is it Seulgi?”

Wendy's sudden question made Joy cough her ice cream.

The Canadian suddenly asked her out for ice cream, something that had always been her favorite when she’s sad. Something that could change her mood in instant, and it could never be wrong.

 

Until Wendy mentioned that name,

 

“I knew it.” Wendy said, “...did you guys have a fight?”

 

Joy hesitated to answer, still did not know what to do. She just put the tip of the ice cream on her lips, uncertain.

 

“Kind... of.”

 

Not really honest, but also not completely a lie. A safe answer, she thought.


“Who do you think at fault?” The Canadian asked again.

 

Joy still put her ice cream on the lips,

 

“...Her?”

 

A question answered with question.

 

“See? That's the problem between couples- “

 

“We're not a couple!” Joy cut her off.

 

Wendy grinned mischievously,

 

“...yet.” She said, continuing Joy's words. The blonde chose not to respond to this silly game.

 

“I mean, in a relationship -whether it's about love or not-, ego is the most ty thing a human could have. Often, our egos are bigger than what our hearts want. The ego habitually shouted aloud against the words of our hearts.”

 

Wendy her own ice cream before continuing,

 

“...and when all we want are gone, those two will just fall silent, along with the person... sinking.”

 

Joy's ice cream melted in her hand. Her gaze was straight ahead, but her mind was wondering about what Wendy had just said.

 

Ego…

 

If only that simple.

 

Yes, it's actually as simple as that.

 

But, there was no heart in it.

 

“If only all of this were involving an ego and a heart.” Joy laughed, a sad laugh. “...this is not like that. The heart doesn’t get involved. “

 

“...it never will be.”

 

Joy looked away at Wendy. Somewhat startled that Wendy was staring back at her. Their eyes met. The relationship that had existed for a very long time, even from when they were still wearing diapers, fighting over toys that they now became a laughing matter, had made them understand each other.

 

Through those gazes, there’s an unspoken understanding in them.

 

Joy knew, Wendy understood what she just said.

 

She’s very grateful to have friend, a best-friend, like this. When thinking about it again, Wendy was always there when she was in trouble. When thinking about it again, she was the one who always in trouble.

 

Wendy rarely cried. Her friend was stronger than the corals in oceans. The whiny one, was always Joy.

 

Millions of tears might have dampened Wendy's shoulder. With patient, Wendy would always her back gently, making her feel a mother figure she had never felt since forever.

 

And today it looked like she'd do it again.

 

Wendy shifted her sitting, approaching Joy who had started shaking her lips, the first sign of her unbearable tears. And Wendy’s ready for that. She held Joy's face against her shoulder, and at once the blonde roared. Hard.

 

The Canadian’s stupefied.

 

Joy’s break-down this time felt different.

 

It wasn’t the roar she had always been hearing.

 

Not the kind of roar over an argument with classmate, not the kind of roar for getting a bad score in exam. Not the kind of roar when this friend of hers fell from a tree, and also not the kind of roar when someone’s mocking her.

 

This roar was heavy and... old.

As if it had been held for years, and could only be issued now.

Wendy got awoken from her own mind, quickly Joy's back -as she always did.

 

Joy cried for a good long hour, but the Canadian did not mind.

 

As the blonde's crying had begun to subside, the Canadian took Joy’s ice cream that’s still in her hand, which was now couldn’t be identified, walked to throw it away and then she took out a tissue, gently cleaned off the dirt on Joy's hand.

Just like a mother.

 

“Let's go!” She pulled Joy to her feet.

 

“To where?” Joy asked

 

“To... make you feel better!”

 

She grabbed the blonde's waist and walked away together with her.Top of Form

***

The green bus was driven slowly.

Joy sat in the back seat. Her head was propped against a window that reflected the color of the sky, -which began to look orange-ish. Look like tonight would be a cold night. But even very beautiful radiance of sky could not change her mood.

 

Wendy apparently took her to a karaoke place.

 

Joy acknowledged it, for a moment she could forget everything that was troubling her mind, everything that suppressed her chest. Everything that made her depressed, very, very, very much depressed.

 

After Wendy and she parted ways to go home, -although Wendy refused and insisted on going to Joy's place- she decided to ride a bus to get rid of he