“I’m sorry, this is for the best. This is the best for you,” he said without looking up. He just stared there on his fists, not looking up to see me. I stared at him blankly, I can’t give him that hating look, and I can’t give him that disappointed look. I should be mad, I should be disappointed, I should shed at least a tear, but I’m just too tired, too disappointed, too mad to even shed a tear.

                “But this is not the best for us,” I said weakly after a few moment of silence. That was the only sentence I have said ever since we sat on this couch. I felt my eyes were starting to get wet, and tears started to gather up in my eyes.

                “The best for you is the best for us, Jina yah.”

                I stayed quiet. I don’t know what to say, or what to do.

                He stood up from the couch. “I’m sorry, Jina yah. It hurts me too.”

                And that was his final words before he walked towards the door, and left—leaving me all alone in my empty apartment. I hugged my knees and sat there quietly, staring at the space he sat on a little while ago. He’s not there anymore, and he won’t ever be there anymore.

                “You said you’re never going to give up on me. You said you’re going to fight for us. You said you only need me, and you won’t let people separate us. You said we’re forever,” I started to voice every single word that crossed through my mind. Those words are supposed to be said when he was still there, sitting there, waiting for me to say a thing.

                I looked down on my own feet, and that was when my tears started to break down. A tear left my eye, followed by another one… and another one… and another one…

“You said you love me. If you really do you would fight for me, for us.”

And with that, I was drowned in tears, letting myself drown in the loneliness, the emptiness, the disappointment, and the anger.

 

난 아직도 사랑한다고

말하고 싶었지만

더 이상은 안될거라고

끝내 포기해 버렸던 니가

 

                “Jina yah, you’re still here!” Irene stormed into the practice room and walked over in front of me, who was still having my dance practice.

                I stopped dancing immediately, because Irene was there. I let out a soft chuckle as I was trying to stabilize my breathing. “I have to practice hard to be able to debut too, unlike this senior who has already debuted.”

                Irene chuckled at my comment. “Even if I debuted already, doesn’t mean I can stop practicing hard. I have to practice twice time harder!”

                We both sat on the corner of the practice room and we talked about many things. Back then, when Irene was still a trainee, she was my closest friend. Now that she debuted, it’s hard to meet up with her. She’s too busy here and there, and I’m still here practicing.

I don’t mind being a junior to her, I knew I was still lacking in so much, that’s why I never felt jealous of her. I even support her very much, because I know she is very, very talented.

                We were laughing and telling each other about each other’s day when suddenly the door slides open.

                “Oh! Sorry, I didn’t know the room is occupied,” Kai grinned at us apologetically.

                “You can use it, I’m done with the room,” I said with a smile as I packed up my things.

                “No, no, we’ll just find another room. Seems like you two are still chatting about girl-stuffs-I-don’t-want-to-know-about. So just take your time,” he smiled.

                “That’s nice of you, Jongin-ah. Thank you!” Irene smiled at him and he just chuckled.

                “You must have missed Jina. You two were inseparable back then. If by seeing Jina makes you happy, and well I need to make my junior happy, right?” Kai said and I chuckled at his words.

                “Just leave us alone, please,” Irene said cutely and it made Kai nodded.

                “Okay, bye!”

                “Why are you not coming inside?” a familiar voice struck my ears.

                “Yixing Hyung, let’s go. This room is occupied by these ladies,” Kai said as he turned around to face Yixing who stood there behind Kai. Yixing moved a bit to the side to see who were inside and my heart started to beat faster. Our eyes met for a short moment, before he smiled to us.

                “Joohyun, Jina, hello!”

                “Come on, Hyung, let’s give them some privacy. Bye, ladies,” Kai slide the door closed and the two of us were alone again. After that short meeting, I looked down at my feet, and pretended to stretch. I bent my body to kiss my knees, to slow down my beating heart.

                “Jina yah,” Irene called.

“Wait, let me stretch for a minute,” I said as an excuse, without getting up.

“Are you…” Irene gulped before continuing, “You know…”

                I took a deep breath before straightening up and sat normally again. “What?” I smiled, as if nothing had happened a while ago.

                “Are you still in love with Lay-ssi?” Irene finally asked the question. I actually knew what she was going to ask, but I thought if I pretended not to know what she was about to ask, she would let it slide and wouldn’t ask it for real. I chuckled, hiding my bitterness from hearing that question. And Irene seemed to realize my bitterness. She bit her lower lip and chuckled awkwardly. “Nevermind! I’m sorry! What was I thinking? Haha.”

                “I am still madly in love with him, Joohyun ah. What should I do?” I looked down. I decided to be honest to Irene a few seconds ago, because I can’t keep this all to myself. I already felt like I’m about to explode and my heart was just about to burst.

                “Just now, when our eyes were locked to each other’s, my heart was… aching,” I added and Irene just stayed quiet. “It was aching because it wanted me to shout out loud, ‘Zhang Yi Xing, I am still in love with you!’. But I couldn’t.”

                “I wanted to tell him that, Joohyun ah, at least just that. I don’t want him back. I knew we’re just never meant to be. But I just want him to know that I am still in love with him.”

                And then a tear fell.

**

                “Do you think I’m stupid, Joohyun ah? Why couldn’t I just hate him? Why couldn’t I just be sad for a week or so, then get over it?” I said when my tears were starting to stop streaming down my face, and I have succeeded to reduce my hiccups.

                “I guess… You were just too in love with him,” Irene shrugged as she answered.                             

                “I know. But if you were in my position, would you miss him, instead of hating him?”

                “To be honest, I think I would resent him instead,” Irene said as she caressed the back of her neck.

                “Then why the hell I am still missing him, still longing for him? I don’t even hate him, even a little bit. Weird, right?”

 

미워졌다기보단 더 보고싶다

아쉽다기보단 너무 그립다

이게 아닌가 이게 아닌가

 

                “Yixing, your dancing is getting so much worse! Once again.” the dance coach was scolding Yixing for the ump-tenth time today, and I just thought he’s being unfair. Yixing is a great dancer! Even I have to admit, today his performance is a bit lacking in… something, but that doesn’t give the right to our coach to treat him that way.

                The music was played once again, and he started dancing again, alone. All of us trainees were told to sit down and rest—and it had been around 20 minutes we rested. Yixing had been dancing alone for the past 20 minutes, and it made every single eyes were laid on him. We still thought his dancing was amazing, maybe just a bit missing of feeling, but we all guessed he was just tired.

                “The consequences of going to debut soon,” Jungmin who was seating near me commented.

                “I know right, even the tiniest mistakes are noted when you’re going to be debut,” Seulgi replied.

                I can’t help but to join their conversation. “Yixing is going to debut?”

                Seulgi nodded, “You don’t know yet, Jina ssi? He’s going to debut soon!”

                I nodded and thanked her for the information. I watched him dance again, trying his best to satisfy the coach. I always admired Yixing. Not just because of his dancing skills—there are a lot of good dancers, but also because of his hardworking personality. He never complained even a single bit every time we practiced. And it made me realize I was such a whiner. I learned a lot from him, though we just knew each other and never really talked to each other before.

                After another two-round of dancing, the coach finally satisfied with Yixing’s dancing. He was told to rest and the coach left the room to grab a drink. Yixing suddenly sat on the corner beside me, and I glanced at him. He was breathing heavily, but he was still smiling until his dimples were seen. I always thought his dimples were attractive. He realized I was staring at him, so he looked back at me.

                I was caught off-guard for a minute before he smiled at me. And I was just too mesmerized by his smile that I just couldn’t help but to smile back at him.

                “Tired?” I asked out of the blue. The question just popped suddenly in my head and I just blurted it out without thinking any further.

                He chuckled lightly, and I have to admit, I fell in love with his soft voice of chuckle. “When I dance, I don't feel tired. Or well—at least I don’t define it as being tired.”

                “Huh?”

                He chuckled again when I gave him a confused look. “When I dance, the tiredness is a satisfying tiring. That’s why I don’t call it as ‘tired’.”

                I chuckled as a sign that I was starting to understand what he was saying. “Then what do you call it?”

                He thought for a while, “Happiness.”

                “So are you happy?”

                He leaned to the wall and slide down a bit, almost lying down. “Very happy.”

**

                “10 days before you will be announced as an EXO member!” I exclaimed as we were on the rooftop, enjoying the night breeze, resting after a long hour of practicing.

                “I know right, in 10 days, I am not Zhang Yixing anymore,” Lay responded, equally as excited as I am. Well, he’s supposed to be the one who’s more excited though.

                “So, did you decide what’s your stage name would be?” I asked randomly and Yixing nodded.

                “Lay.”

                “Lay?”

                “Yes, Lay.”

                “That’s a unique name. Why Lay?”

                “There’s a lot of reason. First, in English you can say ‘you can lay on me’, which means you can count of me, you can depend on me. And I want to be someone who’s able to be depended on. And the second, which is the coolest reason—I think, it pronounced similar like ‘lei’ in Chinese, which means tired. At least I need some ‘tired’ vocabulary, right?”

                I laughed hard at the explanation and Yixing looked at me confusedly.

                “I’m sorry,” I said when I started to calm myself. “The second reason is just… totally Yixing style!” I gave him two thumbs up and he chuckled. And then somehow both of us were quiet, staring into each other’s eyes quietly.

                “Yixing,” I called.

                “Hm?”

                We didn’t take our eyes away from each other.

                “I hope even when you are Lay, we can still hang out with each other like this,” I confessed and he smiled, showing me his charming dimples once again.

                “Don’t worry, I am only Lay to the world, but I want to be just Yixing with you.”

                I blinked a few times, and I felt my cheeks went red. I was thankful that the rooftop was all dark, so that Yixing couldn’t see my blushing face.

                “Wait, I’m still Yixing for my families too, though,” he added and I chuckled.

                “Of course!” I looked away as I chuckled.

                “Jina yah, can I confess something?”

                “Hm?”

                “What to do? I think I’m falling for you.”

 

혹시 우연히 만나면 어떻게 할까

널 모른척 사람들 속에 숨을까

이젠 의미 없는 감정의 낭비겠지만

 

                “Good morning, Taeyong ah!”

                “Jina Nuna! Good morning!” he replied my greetings with a smile. I put my bags on the corner and saw Yeri, Hyein, and Jaemin just entered the room.

                “Guys, let’s go buy some drinks first!” I walked quickly towards them and they agreed to go out and buy some drinks with me.

                “Get me one, nuna!” Taeyong said and I just gave him an ‘okay’ sign before leaving the room with the other three.

                We were laughing and joking about stuffs when suddenly a bunch of guys appeared in the corner of the hall.

                “Oh! Sehun ah!”

                “Sunbae-nim, good morning!”

                The three of them gave a bow to the EXO members that walked passed us. I made a quick scan to search if Yixing was there—but he wasn’t, then I join the three of them to bow. The EXO members smiled to us too, and I was just glad Yixing was not there. It would be awkward to see him right after I spend the previous night crying about him. And I was not ready to see him again.

                “Yah, you guys left me!” Yixing was shouting from the back. I can figure out that he was being zoned-out again so that he didn’t realize that his fellow members were already moving. As I heard his voice, I started to panic inside. I didn’t know what to do. I immediately turned my heels and walked quickly to the practice room once again, leaving Yeri, Hyein, and Jaemin, who were still conversing with the EXO members.

**

                “Tired?” I asked as soon as Yixing finished practicing his solo-dance part for the showcase. He sat on the floor and I approached him with a bottle of water.

                “Not the correct vocabulary,” he took the bottle and started drinking it until the bottle was empty.

                “Oh, right,” I chuckled. “Happy?”

                “Very happy, especially now that you’re here, I’m even happier,” he said as he slowly moved his hand upwards to grab my hand. I chuckled with a light blush and sat on the floor with him.

                Yixing turned his back to face me and suddenly leaned himself on my back.

                “Yixing, you’re transferring all your sweats to me!” I yelled jokingly and he just chuckled.

                “It smells my hard work! I’m sure this will be your favorite shirt then,” he said and I just smiled. Deep down, I guess he was correct about it. “Jina yah.”

                “What?”

                “Can I sleep here on your back?”

                I smiled cheekily. “Up to you,” I said shyly, but he just closed his eyes and rested on my back.

                “Jina yah?” he called again with his eyes still closed.

                “What?”

                “I love you.”

                “I love you too.”

                “I love you more.”

 

넌 이제야 행복하다고

미소를 짓겠지만

아름다웠던 기억보단

깊은 상처를 남겼던 니가

 

          “Jina Nuna!”

“Chanyeol ah, hello!”

                “Where did you go? This morning I met Jaemin and the other trainees, and they said they were with you, getting some drinks, but you just disappeared—they said.”

                I chuckled. “Sorry, I was in a hurry because Taeyong begged for his drink to be delivered quickly,” I lied, but Baekhyun seemed to believe it. I guess my acting training was pretty useful after all!

                We had a short chit-chat, before something popped into my mind. “So how are the members doing?” I asked casually.

                “Everyone’s been fine. Baekhyun got a girlfriend, that’s the latest update!”

                “Really? Who’s the lucky lady?”

                Chanyeol leaned to whisper to me, “Taeyeon Nuna.”

                “Seriously?”

                Chanyeol nodded.

                “He’s living the dream of a fanboy then,” I chuckled and Chanyeol followed.

                “Then? What else are happening?”

                Chanyeol squinted his eyes on me, “Who are you trying to know about, huh, Nuna?”

                I smacked his head playfully, “I’m just worried of my fellow friends, can’t I?”

                Chanyeol rubbed his head and chuckled. “You’re still as violent as usual, Nuna.”

                I just gave him a short glare jokingly and he laughed.

                “So… Suho Hyung is doing just fine, he’s on good terms with the girl he has crush on, but they’re not in any kind of relationship yet, so I can’t tell you who’s the girl.”

                I nodded. “And?”

                “Tao is getting a new phone! Sehun is starting to get sick of bubble teas,” Chanyeol started to think again. “Kai is on his was making a new choreography, Minseok Hyung is learning how to cook, and Kyungsoo is busy acting. Who else?”

                “Jongdae?” I gulped quickly, “Yixing?”

                “Oh right! Jongdae is practicing hard to expand his vocal range and Yixing Hyung is happy with his world of guitar. Yixing Hyung is pretty unpredictable, as you know, but he seemed fine with his guitar.”

                “Then I guess he’s happy,” I said, unconsciously voicing my thoughts.

                “He is, he seemed to have no worries at all. Oh! And I think he’s checking that new trainee out.”

                And that was it—that was the line. I don’t want to know any further.

**

                “Yixing, look at the camera, please,” I said as I was holding up my phone to take a video of him playing the guitar.

                “Yah, put that down,” Yixing stopped playing the guitar and chuckled at my actions.

I stopped recording and pouted. “Why did you stop playing?”

                “Don’t record it, it’s embarrassing,” he chuckled.

                “But I want to see the video if I missed you. You’re getting busy nowadays, I couldn’t see you often anymore,” I pouted even more and he leaned to mess my hair.

                “Okay, okay, I’ll play once more and you can record me.”

                And Yixing played again. A soothing melody was played by him and I recorded him quietly. I was mesmerized by him focusing on playing the guitar and I couldn’t help but to smile. As soon as the song ended, Yixing made a heart shape by his hand and said, “I love you, Yoon Jina, forever and always.”

                I chuckled, “You’re so cheesy!”

                He chuckled too, “But you love me.”

                “I do. I love you so much,” I replied as I ended the recording.

                “So now that you have a video of me, you should do something so I can record you too,” he suggested.

                “What for?”

                “So that whenever I miss you I can see the recording of course!”

                I started to think. “Let’s just spam your phone with my pictures!”

                He chuckled and handed his phone to me, “Please do then.”

                I started to take pictures of myself, trying to look pretty at first, then I put on cute faces, then weird poses which would make him laugh. I could see that he was smiling at me who was taking pictures of me on his phone.

                “Yixing ah, let’s take some pictures of us two!” I suggested as I scooted closer to him. “Say cheese.”

                We took a lot of pictures before I thought it was enough.

                “Wait, last one. Let me hold the phone this time,” Yixing suggested as he took his phone from my hand. He raised his hand to take the picture. “Count one, two, three, please.”

                “Okay. One, two, three…”

                And he kissed my cheek.

                That was our last picture of the day.

 

처음부터 너무나도 익숙했잖아

오랜 시간 만나온 연인들보다

이젠 의미 없는 추억속의 일이지만

 

                I was scrolling through my phone when I accidentally saw a picture that I never manage to delete. I have deleted every single picture of us—or even of him, but I never manage to delete that last one, and one video of him playing a guitar for me.

                I opened the picture and studied the picture. It was the picture of the day he played the guitar for me for the first time, so I decided to record him, so whenever I missed him, I could stare at the video all day long. The picture shows a smiling me with him kissing my cheek. I stared at that picture for a long time and the longing for him was taking over me once again.

**