They Say You Can't Go Home Again

Date: Late January 2021

It’s weird, walking up to the building like this again. Face mask on, cap pulled down low. His palms are actually clammy as he pushes the elevator button for the proper floor.

When Kyungsoo knocks on the door, he realizes how foolish this is. He didn’t even call. What if no one’s there? They could be out on--

The door clicks open and interrupts his thoughts.

“Oh, sunbae!” Doyoung’s shock is evident as he greets him with that sweet face of his, always a little bit awestruck when he’s talking to Kyungsoo. He bends in a full ninety-degree bow as Kyungsoo removes his face mask and tries to get him to stop the formalities.

“It’s nice to see you, too,” he says, patting him on the back and ruffling his hair somewhat awkwardly. “I’m sorry to drop by unannounced.”

“No, no, come in! Anytime. We-- Yah, Kyungsoo-sunbae is here!” Doyoung barks toward the common room. Kyungsoo sees a flurry of movement and members rushing around as he takes off his shoes in the foyer. He vaguely remembers the mild panic EXO would experience when Super Junior members would unexpectedly stop by, the need to seem on top of everything and working hard even in a lull of their schedules. Always feeling the pressure to uphold the legacy of SM groups.

Taeyong is shoving dirty dishes under the couch, Jaehyun is cramming dirty clothes from the floor into a laundry basket, and Mark is pushing everything else into a trashcan. A small smile plays on Kyungsoo’s lips as he steps into the room and clears his throat.

“Calm down, I’m not a drill sergeant here for inspection. Not anymore,” he jokes in a flat demeanor.

The boys straighten up with sheepish smiles. “You look good, hyung,” Mark says, politely. “Have you been well?”

Kyungsoo shrugs, still not accustomed to the unfamiliar bulk currently on his frame. “As well as one can be after running drills day in and day out.”

They share a polite, somber laugh, and then silence settles in uncomfortably.

“Sorry to interrupt, I just… wanted some time in my old room if that’s okay.” It’s a weird ask, he knows. But thankfully, they’re not the type to question a sunbae’s simple request.

“Sure, of course of course.” The boys politely cram into one of the rooms on the opposite side of the dorm, giving Kyungsoo privacy to carefully enter the far bedroom.

Kyungsoo looks around the four minimalist walls that used to be his own. The same desk, same chest of drawers, likely the same mattress in the corner. His fingers glide along the edges of the furniture, letting the touch conjure snippets of the past. Laughing with Sehun and Jongin while they tried out that early virtual reality headset, a pillow fight with Baekhyun that got too rough and ended in bruised ribs on the corner of the dresser, studying his script for Hyung over and over at this desk...

He sits gingerly on the edge of the bed before laying back and curling into the mattress. The sheets smell too much like fabric softener, but the give of the mattress is familiar, and if he closes his eyes, he can imagine them there… together...

Jongin curled around him. Nose pressed to the crease in his neck, the space that seems like it’s made for Jongin and Jongin alone. Their fingers entwined and pressed together on Kyungsoo’s chest. It was here that they spent the better part of 5 years, loving and learning how to be together. And then crying over how they’d have to learn to be apart. It was also here that they made a promise to each other that nothing would change between them.

So naive, so stupidly optimistic. It’s been two years since then. Of course things have changed. 

But for just a few minutes, Kyungsoo will pretend they haven’t. With a ragged sigh and tears welling behind his closed eyelids, he rewinds time and imagines it’s still 2017, and they spend most every waking (and sleeping) moment together, either on the road for EXO’s concert tour or back here in this dorm. They know every last detail about each other - the story behind every bruise, what the other ate for dinner, their current guilty pleasure songs. In this perfect, suspended time, they’re so close, Jongin is practically an extension of Kyungsoo.

Rather than a stranger he hasn’t seen in almost 18 months. A penpal that he’s heard from precisely twice during his entire enlistment.

It was a sensible choice, really, but one he was blindsided with. Kyungsoo was always the pragmatist, not Jongin. It should’ve been his idea to make a clean break of it, to not suffer through the excruciating separation of enlistment while trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship.

“Let’s just… hit pause. It’ll be easier. You’re busy. I-- I need to make sure I’m busy, too, and not just waiting around, missing you… it’d be too painful that way. And I’d get resentful. I don’t want to feel that way when I think of you, hyung. I can’t--” Jongin took a hard swallow, looking away at the dull concrete walls of the visiting hall on the base, before forcing himself to meet Kyungsoo’s eyes and give a pained smile. “I only want to feel fondness when I miss you. No bitterness or neglect. So let’s stop, and meet again as friends once you’re out. And we’ll just, see what happens, not owing anything to each other.”

How many nights had Kyungsoo stared at his phone just before lights out in the barracks, tempted to break the barrier and text Jongin? 

I miss you. I love you so damn much - I can’t turn it off. 

How can you just turn that feeling off ?

But he never did press send, because pride is hard to swallow and after all, Jongin wasn’t texting him. So he must not have any regrets, and messaging him would only provoke those sad, bitter feelings Jongin wanted so badly to avoid. Jongin may have dodged them, but they had hit Kyungsoo smack in the chest, hollowing out a space in his broken heart.

In his old room, Kyungsoo runs his hand over his heart as if to rub away the pain, and rolls onto his back on the mattress, staring up at the ceiling of the dorm. The two glow in the dark stickers are still there, wedged into the corner of the ceiling over the bed: a sun and a moon. Jongin had put them up one day when he was feeling cheesy. “These are to remind you that day or night, I always love you . ”  

Kyungsoo should take them down before he leaves. Otherwise, he’ll be tempted to come back again and again to reminisce about the best years of his life. And he really needs to move on instead. 

Kyungsoo drapes his forearm over his eyes and lets out a slow, measured sigh. How is he supposed to show up to the coffee shop in an hour and just pretend they hadn’t loved each other? To meet Jongin as just a friend? Especially when the first try was a total fail.

A few nights ago when Kyungsoo got discharged, he went to dinner with Sehun and Chanyeol. Minseok joined them for drinks, but Baekhyun had a schedule. Kyungsoo hadn’t dared ask if Jongin was coming. He didn’t know what it would mean if he did. What it would mean if he didn’t…

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