Jungkook crosses his arms behind his head, staring up at the white ceiling above his bed. It's as blank as his emotions. He feels stripped and beaten down, but that hasn't mattered in a long time. It's been a while since the last time he's heard a gentle knock at his door. They have finally forgotten about him. 

 

The air is quiet in his room. He keeps it that way, afraid to draw any attention to himself. Jungkook can hear muffled laughter drifting through his closed door and he smiles bitterly. He used to laugh with them, his friends. He feels his phone vibrate against his right hip and his heart falters. He knows it's not one of them, but he can feel himself begrudgingly hoping it will be.

 

Mom

 

I haven't seen you in a while, are you okay? Come visit me.

 

Jungkook huffs at the message and drops his phone back to his side. He wants to see his mom, he wants to hear her calm and comforting voice and feel her soothing pats on his back. She can't understand him though, just like his friends. She will worry if he doesn't respond so he picks up his phone and sends a short text back, knowing exactly the lie to say to keep her mind free of concern.

 

I'll come soon. I'm fine, mom.

 

It's just a lie, but she sends a smile emoji so he knows she believes him. Jungkook lifts himself off of his bed. He feels lonely, but that doesn't matter either. He can only blame himself for the torture of solitude and it's okay, because at least they'll never know what he has to keep to himself. He won't tell them, because he would rather them hate him for his absence than to hate him for the truth. How long can it drag on without them getting angry? Were they already angry?

 

Jungkook seats himself at his desk. He pulls out his journey he keeps stashed in the back section of the lowest drawer and he opens it to a blank page. Writing down his feelings is the only way he can talk about them, so he does. He writes when he feels alone and hopeless and it's mostly just to prove to himself that he still exists.

 

A stretch of silence, only altering with the faint scratching of pen against paper, is interrupted when a knock shakes his wooden door. Jungkook's hand stops moving and he can feel his heart sink because he knows he wont answer.

 

"Jungkook?" The voice calls. It's Hoseok, easily the most determined member of their group. He doesn't call back to him, but another series of taps sound and the man calls out again. "Are you still sleeping? It's the afternoon!" He's so loud.

 

Jungkook sits still and he waits. Hoseok will leave, after a while. He will go back to them and tell them he failed again, because they will always fail. Jungkook won't tell them, and he is even more determined than the one disturbing his peace. He will never answer the knock at his door. All that is waiting behind it are questions and concerned expressions. They can't know.

 

"Jimin is making pancakes." Hoseok yells. It sounds like his face is pressed against the wood and Jungkook can see the doorknob moving. "Aren't you hungry?"

 

Jungkook is hungry. He had ignorantly forgotten to grab something to eat while Jimin was in the bathroom, before the gang of noise makers showed up for their daily meet up. While they visit, he's subjugated to his room, holding his bladder and letting his stomach scream. It's a war zone outside of his own personal jail, six heads pelting him with questions the moment they hear his door creak open. He prefers to suffer alone, with no chance of an encounter. Jungkook hasn't seen them in a long time and he finds himself wondering if they've changed at all. It's easily been a month.

 

"I'll even take requests. You want chocolate chip pancakes? Done. Blueberry? Done." His voice echoes through Jungkook's room. "Even... Strawberry. I'll go to the store and get some right now. I'll do it." Hoseok sounds so desperate and Jungkook's heart clenches. He misses the upbeat friend he could always count on for a smile. He misses Hoseok's laugh, as ear piercing as it can be. "Plain pancakes?"

 

"Go away." Jungkook whispers under his breath. It's easier to handle his misery when he can't hear them. His body is tense, his chest is aching. Maybe it can just end soon, if he can just make his feelings disappear. 

 

"Last call." 

 

Jungkook can hear the defeat in Hoseok's pleading, he can feel it. It breaks him every time that a knock takes him from his lonely reality. He knows he is hurting them and it's only because of selfish desires, but he can't face them. He knows he can't see the hate and the rejection in their faces if they know. How can he confess such strong feelings and ask them to treat him the same way as they always have? He can't. He won't. He can make the feelings go away.

 

The weight against the door lifts and a heavy sigh is heard through it as feet shuffle away. Hoseok didn't last as long this time. They really must be giving up on him. 

 

How much longer can he last, alone in his room without speaking a word to any of them? How long before they get tired of waiting? How long before he doesn't feel like his heart will explode every time he catches a glimpse of Jimin in the hallway? How long will he be in love with him?