"Ji-jiyong.." 

"Seungri....I think...its bet- better if we-"

"NO! NO! Jiyong dont you ever pull out that card! I'm not better without you, you know that it dont work that way!" Seungri shouted, jumping off the couch suddenly. his face is portraying pure anger and frust. His thick eyebrows creases in the middle and his lips pouts a little as he said it angrily.

"Im sorry Seungri..but I- I- I don't see what else can be done?" sid Jiyong, reaching- no trying to reach his hands to Seungri's sides only to be slapped away harshly

"NO! Jiyong! Thats not a solution, Ji, Nooo. We were happy yesterday, I was so ing happy, how can you even think about that?!" Seungri's breathing got heavy as his eyes widens while he spoke. 

I cant believe this! That simple? We've just reconcile and its has only been 1 month from our last breakup and Jiyong is already saying this bull? Or was he really not having any feeling for me anymore? Seungri thinks as his eyes started to collect tears

Seungri then collapses down on his , on the floor thinking that maybe, just maybe Jiyong doesnt love him as much as he thought. maybe the man still loves him but just not as much and thats already enough to break his heart into millions of pieces- really how often do my heart breaks actually for the same guy?

"Or was it just me? Huh Ji? *inhale* Was I right before when I said you dont love me-" and Seungri pinches his bridge of nose, feeling dizzy and trying to control the overflowing tears

Jiyong cuts him before he even finishes his sentence, running towards him and take him in his arms "No! Nonononono! I love you Ri, so much, I love you so much"

*chupchupchupchup* Seungri receives a bunch of kisses on his face but nothing could mend his frustration right now

"Then why are you bringing up this thing?" so he pushes Jiyong away with both of his hand, looking straight into his eyes before continue with a very very slow voice, almost like a mumble "It never work Ji, since we were young..why are you saying things like this?"

"I- I- I don't know Ri. I'm scared"

"Dont say those things again, you don't mean it right?"

"I- I- I dont know Ri but I- I love you, I really do"

Eventhough Jiyong gives him his word, eventhough Jiyong's voice sounds so sincere, Seungri could only notice its just not the same. The confession, its different. Its burdened, its not freely going like how it always sounded. It was so careful when all he always heard was a carefree confession. 

Seungri couldnt hold it then, he knew Jiyong is afraid, he is afraid too, so ing afraid of what's coming but Jiyong's unsure tone breaks his heart even more, like its even possible because by now he knows its not even a pieces, it has turn into dust, completely crushed and stepped on. Seunri's sobs become more frantic, he's crying his eyes out, his heart out, his brain out, just everything all out for he is so ing afraid of everything and the one he wishes to hold him tighter whenever things like this comes and comforts him more turns out to be a ing monster crushed him without any defense.

*heavy sobs*

"You ing promise not to break me, Ji..."

*thump*

"You promise!"

*thump*

*sobs*

"You prick! You ing give me your word!"

*thump*

*inhale*

"But now i'm breaking...why are you doing this to me?"

Jiyong felt tears running fast on his cheeks, he felt his lips quiver as he hold himself from crying out loud. All those hit from Seungri right on his chest wasnt even equal to what he felt beneath it, in his own heart. He's breaking too. He's breaking too much, but he just sit there receiveing Seungri's hits, Seungri's hard puch, he knows its gonna bruise tomorrow but who cares when your insides is already bleeding?

"I'm sorry......I'm sorry.....I'm sorry" was what Jiyong manage to say all those while, his tears is impossible to hold anymore so he just let it runs through his cheeks like a waterfall.

"You promise not to break me.." *sobs* Seungri says, leaning against Jiyong's chest this time, his energy drained out

"You promise to love me until whenever.." and Seungri clench Jiyong's shirt in his fist, pulling Jiyong closer

"You promise to stay...so...stay.." finally he snakes his arm around Jiyong, lifted his head a little to place it in Jiyong's crook of neck only to inhale harshly one last time, making Jiyong feel how his stomach trembles when he did that and how his chest heaved up high only to let out a muffled sob afterward

"Im sorry Ri...I- I- dont- ugh- I dont know what to do *sobs*..Im- Im sorry" but Jiyong didnt stop crying, he's a sobbing mess, even when he said he's sorry so many times and even when Seungri seems to be more relaxed now he's still squeezing his tears out. It hurts. Thats all he could feel right now.

"Will you just stay?" Seungri ask, one last time before he closed his eyes, not wanting to face the reality, not wanting to think of the possibilities of all of this.

He's tired. He ing endured it for 6 years, he's tired, he finally is. Afterall, his effort just come to waste the second Jiyong said 'its better if we..' so Seungri is just really tired, tired of all the bulls he put up, all the dramas he ignored, all the scandals he knows wasnt true but cant afford to say it to anyone, of hearing people asking, forcing Jiyong to act as if he's in love with some other girls in front of his own eyes just bcs 'its for the best' and he's tired of being matured, of being unselfish, of being tolerate of everything. He's tired. Why cant he just love Jiyong all he wants and let Jiyong loved him back? 6 years of pretending in front of the camera, 6 years of making up the mistakes they did on stage when the interviewer ask with a plain 'fans love it' when really he just cant control himself. 6 years, and all comes to Jiyong, concluding that 'its better if we..'. Seungri is ing tired of everything.

As if it could crush his heart more, Jiyong never responded to his last question.

Jiyong remained silent. He couldnt bring himself to promise on something he's not sure of. Yes, he loves Seungri so much but he's in the middle of love and guilt. What if all of this could hurt Seungri? What if being with him could hurt Seungri? He cant promise anything to Seungri. Not when he saw how broken his lover was when he accidentally broke his promise. He never want to break his promise. Not once do he willing to see his lover breaks apart infront of him. It ing hurts. It hurts seeing Seungri become so hurtful, so weak, so lost in front of his own eyes and to add salt to the wound its his ing fault. Not in a million years Jiyong would ever want to see that again....but Jiyong is a leader. He's been a leader since he's young, since he's 18. He's been a leader even when he doesnt even know how to drive, how to flirt, how to party, its in his blood. Its in his blood to be unselfish, to be relevant and mature and tolerate. Its in his blood to think of the pros and cons of everything even as he walks and about to decide whether he should walk on the pavement or just on the road. He thinks about everything, all the time. Whats the effect, whats the long-term effect, whats the pros, whats the cons. Its not like Seungri didnt, hell Seungri was really good in investment, he is better but Seungri is Seungri, a young boy, free at heart. Young boy who are against the world himself, the type of boy who didnt do homework just because he didnt want to. He's a free bird and nobody could stop him. Jiyong is a parrot, he's been taught of tricks, he's been taught of the carrot and stick, if you dont do this, you'll get a stick, if you do this, you'll get a carrot. Jiyong is Jiyong and Seungri is Seungri.

But Seungri understands when Jiyong didnt reply him. He understand it really well, eventhough it breaks his heart not hearing any single promise from his lover and knowing that both his relationship and career is at stake, theres a reason why he could endure so much, because he ing knows his lover inside and out. He knows Jiyong must have a reason and most of the time, its unselfish, he doesnt really blame Jiyong but this moment is where Jiyong should be able to pick one. Him or the other. He would have to pick one, Seungri knew and he has already decided but from the choice of option, A doesnt need Jiyong but B does. A- he would be living his life, his career like normal, they would just create a lie, say its an edit or its just some dopelganger. B- he would clarify his feelings to the world no matter what people say, if they want to banish him from the country he doesnt care but he needs Jiyong to choose the same because its impossible if its clashing. Its risky, Seungri knows but he still put his hope high. He chose B. From the moment the picture leaked, he doesnt even have to look into other options, he doesnt care anymore. He chose B.

But what if Jiyong doesnt pick the same? Wouldnt it became redundant and then he would lose both of it? His career and his lover? Its a risky investment, Seungri thinks. But Seungri has faith in his decision, he has faith in Jiyong.

They fell asleep for awhile on the floor after battling with their mind and their heart in silence, cuddling together despite the tear stained cheeks and Seungri's buzzing phone. When Jiyong opened up his eyes, Seungri's head is on his chest and the tear stained cheek is very visible, his eye bags is also looking really heavy. Jiyong's heart clenched to the sight. 

*buzz* The vibration from Seungri's phone tore his eyes away from Seungri and he reach it with a little struggle as it is place on the sofa behind Seungri

Jiyong picks up Seungri's phone when he registered the caller ID of 'Yang Hyunsuk Hyung'

"Oh hyung"

 "Oh so you guys are really together now? Great"

Jiyong bites his lips and played Seungri's hair instead, ruffling them to the side

"Jiyong-ah....haih I really hope its an edit..tell me is it true?"

"Uhh- umm- uhh-"

"Kwon Jiyong"

"Uh ne hyung"

"Ah! Why are you guys so daring? Aish my head hurts wae Jiyong-ah waee?

"I love him hyung"

"Yes ofcourse! the whole world already knows it Kwon ing Jiyong!"

"I- I- what do I do hyung?"

"Haih meet me as soon as you come home. You, only. Arasso?"

"N- ne hyung"

"For a time being just stay there for few days more until I told you to come. But tell Seungri to come home first the first plane tomorrow. I've talked to the director"

And then Yang Hyunsuk hungs up the phone. 

After a while of spacing out, Jiyong could feel Seungri's body trembled and his breath become uneven. His eyes is tighly closed, making some wrinkles on his forehead visible and he's also sweating really bad

"Hey..Ri..hey.."

"Ah! No! Dont! Dont say it Jiyong! Dont! No! He doesnt love her! Why are you doing this to me, Jiyong? Jiyong is lying! He loves me! Not that girl! He's lying! No! He loves me! He loves me! He loves me..." Seungri said in his sleep

Jiyong breaks then, he couldnt hold it. Seungri's expression and voice is really hurtful. He remembered the times he had to lie about him dating kiko, he remembered when the scandal of him and Nana broke. That must be how Seungri felt everytime. He didnt say it though. Seungri has always been the strong one. Even when a scandal broke he would just smile and pretends he don't even have any relationship with Jiyong, sometimes even joke about it in reality show. Not that he knows Seungri is convincing himself when actually thats Jiyong's job. It ing hurts Jiyong to think about it.

"Hey *sobs* shhh it's okay *sobs* I love you, I really do. I was lying when I said I love her, I dont even like her *sobs* I really love you" Jiyong whispered in Seungri's ears while carressing his back and playing with his hair.

It was only 4 hours later that day that Jiyong wakes back up after fallen into sleep while crying after Seungri's sleep talking. As soon as he opened his eyes, his gaze met Seungri puppy gaze that sparkles and Jiyong was lovestruck for the umpteenth time. From groggy and half-asleep, rushing to wake up, Jiyong suddenly melt into Seungri's gaze as he let his head fall back on the floor, sideways. They are staring into each other's red eyes and Seungri is still clinging on Jiyong's shirt like his life depends on it.

"I'll wait" Seungri voice out, breaking the silence. before Jiyong could ask him back, wait for what? Seungri suddenly snuggled closer to Jiyong's chest, burying his head on Jiyong's scent and said 

"I'll wait no matter how long you take to decide..I'll wait until you're ready..so please.." and Seungri lift his head back up, his eyes meeting Jiyong's

"Please think of it carefully before you decide, once you decide you cant take it back..." He continues

"Seungri.." Jiyong whispers. He knows exactly what Seungri is talking about but thats a little dangerous dont you think? Seungri is getting his hopes up and Jiyong cant trust his own self in the future. He's afraid if he tend to be heartless. He's afraid if YG threaten him again, to make him stay away from Seungri, then what? then will he just watch Suengri turn into dust? grey, dull and weak? He cant do that, Seungri is binding him, killing him, making him scared even more.

"I promise I'll wait, Jiyong, so choose wisely, until you decide I wont demand anything, I'll pretend we're nothing, I'll follow whatever YG ask me to do but the day you decide.." and Jiyong watch how Seungri closes his eyes and gulps his saliva before he continued

"The d-d-day you decide...I'll- I'll vanish, I'll disappear if you want me to"

"Seungri dont say it like that"

"Its now or never Jiyong, I cant bear it anymore. Now or never, you decide"

"What about you, Ri?"

"My decision is always crystal clear, you know what it is"

And then Jiyong seal their lips with a loving, very passionate kiss, slow and romantic but Seungri knows its not the decision. its just this. its just Jiyong's feelings and Jiyong need a lot more than just feelings to decide on his future. Seungri return the kiss with same passion and love, his tears start to roll on his cheeks as their soul connected.

Its going to be hard after this, Ri

I'm scared, Ji

Me too

This might be the last kiss we'll ever had

I love you, Ri, I always do

But your future is more important right, Ji?

I'm sorry

Stop saying sorry when you are not

I love you

I really hope you do because Im hanging myself on the rope, I'm counting on you

I always do

Their soul converse in so many ways. The way their lips move is as if it was the last time, as if Seungri will never get to taste Jiyong ever again.

They break their kiss just in time for them to take in some oxygen that has left their lungs fully. Looking into each other eyes until Jiyong decides to stand up on his feet and leave Seungri because he thought its hard and its frightening. Jiyong left to have a bath and god knows it was the longest bath he has ever taken in his entire life, thinking and crying and slapping himself, crying again, wiping himself dry only to cry again and soak himself again until his fingers are all wrinkly and his lips starts to turn blue.

He get out of the toilet after some solid 2 hours and when he saw Seungri still laying on the floor, facing the sofa, sleeping with his face on the feet of the sofa as if trying to avoid someone, trying to avoid the world, trying to hide beneath the sofa, Jiyong couldnt stand it but instead of straddling the love of his life like he alwasy do when they were younger, he get back to the room and pack his stuff, leaving a note behind, and left. To somewhere he thinks more bearable. To somewhere he doesnt have to be reminded of how a coward he is because the truth is, he's a coward, for not taking Seungri in his arm proudly after all that guy has did for him. He's a coward.

Seungri, on the other side is never really asleep after Jiyom went to the bathroom. He's trying hard to control his sobs, so that Jiyong couldnt hear it but one muffled sob has escaped his mouth when he heard Jiyong's luggage rolling on the floor towards the door. He held his mouth in his hand then, knowing Jiyong cant see him from the door, if he could collect all of his tears from the morning, he's ing sure it can be his water supply for the next year. Its crazy how much he cried in the last not even 24 hours.

*click* The door closed.

Seungri squeezes his eyes so hard it burns and after he's sure Jiyong is already far away, he broke into mass crying and sobbing session of blaming himself. If he wasnt that daring yesterday, they wouldnt come to this. If he wasnt that selfish yesterday, if he wasnt that carefree yesterday, if he wasnt this, if he wasnt that, everything was his fault, he thought. Jiyong is a well-known idol, world renown artist, world renown celebrity. He's lined up with Rihanna, Pharrel Williams for god sake he's more famous than Adam Lavigne, ofcourse he would choose to keep his career, he's been working his off for more than 15 years! more than 20 years even. But then again, its not like Seungri never work his off, its not like Seungri doesnt have a reputation to uphold, but he chose Jiyong, over everything that could offer him. He chose Jiyong over any wealth that could bring him. It ing hurts to know Jiyong doesnt feel the same. Maybe he just needed some time but why cant he just decide like I did?

After a decade of crying- it was an hour but Seungri felt as a decade- Seungri finally gathers himself and collect himself again, thinking that maybe Jiyong just need some time or maybe YG hyung asked him to go home now, so its okay, Seungri promised to wait until he decide what he really wants and not demand anything. So after he push out all the negative thoughts, he bring himself to stand on his feet again and walk towards his bedroom. He saw a note on his bedside table but he knows thats the key to make him start crying all over again, so better not, Seungri decides to soak in bath first.

The bathroom still smells like Jiyong and the tile floor is wet from water when it is designec to be dry as it is separate from the bathtub. Seungri doesnt have to think too long to discover the reason behind it as he notices the water splash seems to come from the sink, probably because Jiyong spashed the water to his face a lot more than he usually did. Seungri ignore the aching he's feeling, being the strong baby he is, he starts to drown himself in water and bubbles and breathe as calmly as possible to wipe away all those negativity and just hope for the best from Jiyong. He believes in Jiyong. He believes Jiyong loves him as much as he loves Jiyong but that guy is just in dilemma, so its okay I'll wait.

Half an hour later, Seungri exited the bathroom and went straight to his bedside table, determined to stick to his promise and never to waste his energy crying anymore. He took the paper and silently reads them in his head

I'm sorry I make you suffer, I'm sorry you want to hide from the reality.

I'll go first, you take a rest, pretend none of this emotion draining thing has ever happened, be an angel, be an angel you have always been.

You are not meant to be hidden from the world, Seungri. You are too beautiful to be hidden.

Seungri-ah, dont wait for me, I cant afford to see you breaking again. I'm sorry I'm indecisive, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I hope I can be brave like you but the fact is, I'm a coward Seungri-ah.

Take a rest, my love. You never deserve any of this hardships. Take a rest.

Love, your coward Kwon Jiyong who doesnt deserve you

At first, Seungri only chuckled lightly eventhough his eyes are pooling again. He chuckled at how Jiyong admits that he's a coward but never tries to break it, to proof he's not, to proof Seungri of what he's worth to Jiyong. How silly can that be? Just saying you are a coward but then, not taking any action for it. Only Jiyong could ing do taht and I will still forgive him when the time comes. you, Kwon Jiyong, you! and then Seungri broke into tears again, this time slow and silent as he buried his face in his palm, letting his tears slide through his hand

*buzz* Seungri heard his phone vibrates in the living room.

He wiped away his tears awith the back of his hand and walk towards the living room to retrieve his phone and accepted the call from his manager

"Yeobosaeyo.."

" Seungri you sound awful"

"Yeah thanks hyung"

"Where are you now?"

"Im at my suite"

"Jiyong?" Suddenly he felt there's a lump in his throat, 

"Uhh he went somewhere'

"...thats- thats- thats terrible"

"Hm...so... *exhale* whats next hyung?" Seungri said, holding the bridge of his nose while exhaling tiredly

"Nothing...just..YG wants you back in Korea the first thing tomorrow, so I've bought the ticket, thought you should know, we're leaving at 5 am"

"What about Jiyong?"

"He was asked to stay"

"Ofcourse"

"Okay then, just take a rest until tomorrow"

"Okay hyung, thanks"

"Be strong, man"

"Yeah, I hope...thank you"

and thats the end of the conversation.

The night passes by like a century. Both Seungri and Jiyong couldnt even get a blink of sleep. Seungri just staring at the ceiling, sometimes shifted in his bed and sometimes h