Maybe it’s depression. Is that it? Is that even the right word?

But that word couldn’t possibly be the word to describe him, he’s just tired of the schedules. That’s right, just tired. Maybe a little stressed, so that’s probably why he couldn’t get anything right lately. Be it in the drama or the practices. He’ll get scold for not focusing and is advised to put in more effort. Again. Same things go for the practices.

Or is he just useless? That’s another thought that came across his mind; after all, he was the last member to join BTS. He hadn’t thought about it before since he thought he was worthy enough to be in the group. He got the look, the voice, the dance, and the act… Well, the look and the act sure go well together- he’s not even good at the other category. He didn’t get that much lines in a song like Jimin and Jungkook or dance as well as Hoseok or act as emotional as Seokjin. He can’t rap so that’s not on his list but- now; he realized how he’s only an extra member to make the number look nice. He’s just there to make the other shine. The background. He also realized how over the year, his face became painted with lies, thick acrylic slowly covering his entire face, so thick that he could hardly find it’s true color. Of course it’s suffocating but he couldn’t ask for anything better because that just shows how his famous fake smile is successful. That’s all he could do. All he will ever do.

Useless.

Another word is added to his dictionary.

Ok next.

How amazing is it that he keeps popping new negatives idea about himself. Very amazing. He didn’t even know how many problems he has by now, whether if it’s about him hiding his stress.

Or the way he looks.

Or the ridiculously tight schedules.

Or how he should be in the eyes of the fans.

Or the way he wants to notice. To listen. To understand. To be there for him. Help him through the hard time. He’s lonely. He craves for their affection, or at least one of them to reach out to him.

Though the thing is, Tae is too stubborn to ask for help. He’s not worthy to have any of their help.

Then the next word came up.

Worthless.

Maybe he’s too useless to be worthy of anyone’s care or attention. The members showed him all their love throughout the year though, so why is the word “worthless” even there? Then there’s:

Doubt.

Well, it’s probably nothing more than a simple act, a little act to keep the group together. He’s acting and they’re also acting. So maybe their love isn’t even real. That ‘love’ is just there so they could use him for the fans….

However he refuses to believe that the members are just treating him as an extra. He couldn’t. He’s sure that they never thought of him that way. It’s definitely not true. They wouldn’t last with him for years if they have those thoughts and would’ve treated him badly anyway off camera, but they didn’t. So of course they love him. He can’t believe that he has doubts in them. So stupid Tae. So stupid.

“How can you possibly think of us that way?” Is what they would’ve said.

Then, It must be

HIS fault.

HIS fault for choosing the path of being an idol, HIS fault for taking away the last spot of BTS when other trainees are far more talented and good looking than him. And he’s sorry for that. HIS fault for auditioning for the new drama. HIS fault for holding the members behind. HIS fault for being a possible weak link of the group. HIS fault for the only good thing he got is his decent looking face.

HIS fault fo—

“Tae! Go!” Jimin grinned at how his best friend’s staring in blank space. Taehyung was a little taken aback at how fast his sweet jiminie forgave him after last night. He gave Jimin a small nod and followed the manager out of the door.

They had a day off the following day since Bang PD was being generous. Well not exactly everyone, at least not for him. He still needs to finish his drama shoot and an interview. Scrolling through the comments of their old videos, he can’t help but smile at some of the cute and meaningful comments:

“Woah they’re so cool! New army right here!”

“Jimin and Jungkook are so cute!!!!!! I can’t!! This should be illegal”

“Rapmon oppa so y when he raps, so talented too”

“Love their dance! Need to learn it asap”

…

“So uh, what is that V alien doing there?”

What?

“He shouldn’t be there…. He’s just an extra.”

“He has so little lines haha”

“Yeah, why is he even there? I don’t think he’s needed”

Why?

“All I see is a 4d alien that doesn’t fit in.”

“Fat.”

“Eh he’s decent”

“His voice’s too low!”

True.

His face frowns at the hate comments and quickly shoved his phone in his bag. It frustrates him all over again and as much as he wanted to cry, he couldn’t. Their manager is right beside him so he can’t suddenly throw the image he’d been building to go into waste. What is he suppose to do now. He can’t cry or smile or laugh or be angry or anything! Tae grit his teeth as hard as he could to hold back his tears.

The ride was longer than the ones he’d ever had before. The ride of life.

He came home late again. Worn out like all of his energy is gone. He could collapse right then and there but he didn’t. Something was off though. The members are still awake and he felt as if he just stepped into an important conversation. Everything was so tense the moment he entered the room with 6 pairs of eyes staring at him. The heavy atmosphere around made him nervous. Did he do something wrong?

“Um uh… Welcome home Tae!” Jimim broke the silence with a nervous laugh.

Are they hiding something from me? Strange.

He gave them a suspicious look for a split second then quickly covered it up with his oh ever so bright smile.

“Thanks Jiminie!” he kicked out of his shoe and put it on the shelf – cause Jin is there.

“How’s your day?” Seokjin asked.

“Good as always!” Jin nodded but he somehow had a worried look on him.

“What? You missed me?” He quickly joked which earned him an eye roll from Suga.

“He looks fine to me.” Yoongi whispered, thinking that the younger in front of him can’t hear what he said. The room fell silence again. But He chose to ignore it. Like he’s deaf. He could see Jungkook looking around hopelessly and Namjoon shoot glances at Yoongi.

“Ah then, I… um go now.” He hurriedly excused himself to the bathroom. Closed the door gently and slide down right away beside it. Somehow the word “doubt” is starting to return to him. “Maybe” it’s true. They were talking about ways to kick him out of the group…

“That’s right, you’re useless.”

“Worthless.”

“Extra.”

That night he let himself drown in his own tears for hours while hearing the others returning to their room and sleep. Like nothing of that awkward situation had ever occurred. Muffling the ugly sob with his hand.

Cover it up.

Cover it up.

He hated how his tears are not able to wash away his pain. Hated the way he’s unable to identify his problem or problems because what exactly is it that make him feel so horrible and disgusting?

He could have used a razor to relief himself but he’s not that stupid to the point of making his appearance look worse. Not when it’s the only thing he got left.

So…

That same night, Taehyung chose to gulp down some pills that were left for emergency in their bathroom cupboard. He’s not sure what he had gulped down though - maybe some sleeping pills.

Letting all of his emotion and dizziness take over him, he finally allows his mask to crack tonight.

Tonight.

Let it crack.

His mask.

His mask full of lies.

---

Author's note

I'm so so so so so sorry again for being slow on update! 

At least the update are longer? i think? hehe

I feel so mean right now for making Tae struggle with finding his problems uhuhuhu. It's worse how he don't know what he's supposed to do when he can't figure out what it is that he's facing...

Anyway! I hope that you enjoyed this update - even though it's not perfect //sigh

See ya in the next chapter! <333