∆

 

 

 

Chanyeol wonders if coming to the art exhibit was a mistake.

 

His heart is racing and the beads of sweat from his forehead have found their way into the collar of his ill-fitted suit. He’s back in town after almost a year and jetlag’s kicking in. Nothing has changed. It isn’t helping that the heat isn’t going away even if the sun has already set. To him, it seems as if the neon sign above his head welcomed him with a mocking urgency, pulsating rapid lights that bore into the crevices of his skull. He shakes the dull dawning pain and fixes the tie around his collar instead. Ten minutes, he says to himself. Ten minutes tops and then I’ll be off.

 

Three deep breaths and his heels start clacking on the pavement.

 

The first thing Chanyeol notices upon entering the building is the sudden drop of temperature. Thank god for air conditioners. He undoes a few buttons from his shirt and lets his skin gobble the refreshing cool air, unabashed.  The next thing he notices is the pretty blue-haired girl wearing a black dress by the entrance. He smiles at her as she hands him a flyer. Without warning, her eyes quickly dart from his face to the piece of paper, with a rather amusing confusion. Chanyeol gives her a low chuckle before looking away.

 

The paper finds its way into Chanyeol’s pocket. He need not read it because he knows all too well what he is about to see. And he has a month of anxiety to prove that. He steps in to the large hall and confirms his intuition.

 

He stops and stares. Somehow, he’s face to face with himself.

 

Chanyeol sees his face in a 20x20 inch black and white photograph. Chanyeol knew it was coming. But it seems that all his preparation came undone once he’s confronted with the truth. And this time, his truth is a silly photo from a boy’s old camera. He’s never ever seen himself as close and as detailed as the picture in front of him. And it kind of brings a sense of embarrassment. He sees the scars of puberty, the miniscule gaps of his teeth that would go unnoticed at any usual day, the wrinkles under his eyes. Chanyeol is smiling his usual big-toothed grin in the picture with what looks like ice cream splatted on his right cheek. He grins at the memory albeit with a small ache in his chest. 

 

 

 

 

 

∆

 

 

 

“Why do you bring that ancient camera all the time?” Chanyeol asked as they sat under their favorite tree behind the campus. ”It’s not like this dump is photograph-worthy, you know.” He ended with a shrug and continued the dripping ice cream in his hands.

 “Why can’t you admire the beauty of the ordinary?” Baekhyun shot back at him but Chanyeol still couldn’t understand where his vigor was coming from.

“Because – duh – it’s ordinary, it’s not worth your time! Imagine going somewhere far from this place after graduation and you take photographs of the places you visit. Now that’s something worth your time.”

Baekhyun took a small bite from the cone before replying, “That’s not what I want to take pictures of.”

“Wha-“ Chanyeol sighed. He still had words stuck in his throat but he let the moment of curiosity pass and just enjoyed the treat in his hand. “I’ll never understand you, Baek.”

The other boy was silent.

“Yeol.”

“What?” Chanyeol turned to the boy while wiping his lips. Baekhyun won’t look his way and instead kept his gaze up ahead.

 “When I go see those places,” Baekhyun’s voice trembled. “I want to see them with you.”

It was as if the world hushed to Baekhyun’s words. Chanyeol could feel the ice cream melting in his hands but he was frozen. Suddenly he felt a weird feeling in his stomach he had no name of. He kept his gaze at the smaller boy beside him fidgeting with the grass by his feet. Chanyeol opened his mouth to speak and he regretted the words before they even came out.

“Baek,” he began. “I’m not gay.”

It was the last thing he remembered before Baekhyun lunged at him and dumped his own ice cream on his face. The cold goo hit him hard.

“Byun Baekhyun!”

“That’s not what I meant you idiot.” Baekhyun managed to say between giggles.

While Baekhyun was gasping for breath, Chanyeol was grasping for anything to wipe off the ooze on his cheek. “Give me your ing hanky right at this moment!” He blasted at Baekhyun who seemed to enjoy every bit of the moment. ”Why’d you have to do that? We still have class!”

“That’s for the outrageous reply, mister.  And your insensitive view on the mundane. Oh god you look fantastic.” He replied while wiping a tear. “Wait, let me take a picture!”

Before Chanyeol could register what was happening, he heard the familiar click of the camera and Baekhyun’s shameless laughter.

“Hey! Delete that,” he said, fingers clawing for Baekhyun. Baekhyun stuck his tongue out. “Good luck deleting it from film.”

“Baeeeek.”

“Too late, Yeol. You’d be the cover of next month’s school paper.”

“Give it to me Baek. I’m serious.”

“Oh god stop grabbing me. Stop or I’ll take another picture.”

“Fine! At least give me the chance to smile.”

“You vain piece of .”

Click.

 

 

 

 

 

∆

 

 

 

Two things he realized a month later after that. One, that Baekhyun was serious when he said he’ll appear in the school paper (although he didn’t end up in the cover, to his dismay).

 

And two, that Baekhyun, his best friend, was in love with him.

 

 

 

 

 

∆

 

 

 

Chanyeol travels his gaze to the picture next to his black and white portrait. It is a photo of a black cat they usually saw by the school gate after class. They’ve fondly called it Kiki, from that old movie of a witch and her black cat. He walks on and finds other familiar pieces of their home town.

 

There’s a photo of the old lady who owned a small store beside Baekhyun’s house. Chanyeol looks to his left and sees a full aisle dedicated to their favorite century-old oak tree through the four seasons. Another is an eagle’s eye shot of their town from the balcony of Baekhyun’s house.

 

These pictures are Baekhyun’s testament for his love on the mundane. These seemingly ordinary pictures have been captured in a nostalgic, captivating way that somehow stirs something in Chanyeol’s memory. The shots are all beautiful, that Chanyeol cannot deny. It’s as if Baekhyun wanted him to finally understand the beauty of the ordinary. He smiles to himself imagining Baekhyun chanting “I told you so” at his face.

 

Chanyeol makes a turn in the next aisle and finds a photo he knows so well.

 

 

 

 

 

∆

 

 

 

“Baek we need to finish this tonight. Tomorrow’s the deadline!” Chanyeol glared at the smaller boy now sprawled in his own bedroom floor. He lightly kicked Baekhyun’s tummy which was answered with a small groan. “If you weren’t too busy with your photos, we could have finished this last week. Hey wake up!”

“Yeol please, I’m tired. It’s already 2a.m. I need some sleep.” Baekhyun said before facing away and tucking himself into a ball. Chanyeol rolled his eyes and threw a pillow at his best friend. He heard a muffled thank you and some mumbled words he could not decipher before turning his concentration back to their project.

Chanyeol finished everything two hours later. He managed to take a bath and clean his room but the fatigue just won’t come. And then an idea hit him. He rummaged through Baekhyun’s bag and found his old camera. With a smile on his face, he took out a Sharpie and drew a moustache right where they should be. Chanyeol wasn’t sure if it was because of the Red Bull or the fact that it was already 4a.m. that he found himself gasping for breath in between his chuckles. He pointed the camera at Baekhyun and clicked.

Suddenly, Baekhyun groaned. The camera almost slipped from Chanyeol’s hands in panic.

“Yeol…” Baekhyun muttered. Quickly, Chanyeol hid the camera and threw the Sharpie at his desk. “Y-Yes?” he answered. But the boy’s eyes remained closed. For a moment, Chanyeol thought he might have misheard. “Hey Baek. Baek?” He asked. But Baekhyun won’t budge. Maybe he’s sleep talking, he thought.

“Hey Baek, do you know who you’re talking to?” he asked, out of the blue. Surprisingly, Baekhyun still answered.

“Yeol….” Chanyeol rubbed his palms and decided to mess with him for a while before sleeping. But first he needed to confirm that the guy’s asleep. “Where are we?” He asked again.

This time Baekhyun’s answer was more muffled that Chanyeol had to repeat his question and lean a little closer to the guy. “Beach….”

Chanyeol grinned and thought what in the world might he be dreaming. “What are we doing in the beach?”

“Hug m-”

Chanyeol froze.

“What?”

“H-hug…”

“Am…Am I hugging you?” He asked. For a moment, he thought of the times he felt something else from his friend. Ever since that time they had ice cream under their favorite tree, he’d been more conscious of Baekhyun’s actions. He wanted to stop. But in the end, he continued asking even if he was already anticipating the outcome of his foolishness.

He breathed deep before finally asking. “D-do you like me?”

“Baek, do you like me?”

Chanyeol waited for a minute of agony before the sleeping boy answered. Baekhyun’s lips curl into a smile. “Y-ye…”

Chanyeol stood up without letting Baekhyun finish.

The next morning, the Sharpie moustache stuck on Baekhyun’s face but something else stuck in Chanyeol’s heart.

 

 

 

 

 

  ∆

 

 

 

Baekhyun’s shot with the Sharpie moustache hangs in front of Chanyeol. He can’t stop himself from smiling at the photograph – in contrast to the way he felt days after Baekhyun unknowingly confessed his feelings to him.

 

Chanyeol remembers thinking about what Baekhyun said for days. And what draining days they were. It didn’t help that he tried his best to hang out with Baekhyun and act normal. Every time he looked at his best friend, he saw him in a different light and he couldn’t help it. He felt guilty for knowing and for hiding it from Baek.

 

Until one day, when Baekhyun finally noticed. Chanyeol thought his acting was pretty good, but it turned out years of friendship do connect people in mysterious ways:

 

“Yeol what’s up with the weird aura lately?”

“What weird aura?”

“Oh come on. We’ve known each other for quite a long time. I know something’s going on. Spill.”

“There’s nothing Baek, really.” Chanyeol paused.

Baekhyun rolled his eyes. “Your nothing is always something. Now come on.”

“It’s just-”

“What?”

“That night when you slept over for our project you- When you were asleep…”

 “Did… Did I say something weird?”

“Uhm. You were sleep-talking. You said we were in the beach and you were hu-”

“Oh. Oh my god. I see.”

“Baek, it’s okay really. I was just… shocked.”

“I know. I understand the confusion I must have put you through. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to say sorry.”

“Yeah.” Baekhyun began.

Five agonizing minutes passed without any of them talking.

“Look, Yeol. I don’t care if you don’t feel the same way. I-“

Chanyeol couldn’t believe that he was hearing this directly from his best friend. But his next words ultimately embedded heaviness in his heart.

“I just want my best friend back.”

 

 

 

 

 

∆

 

 

 

Directly hearing it from Baekhyun put a different air in their relationship. They still remained best friends. But Chanyeol knowing his best friend had feelings for him put up an invisible accord between then. They’ll still be friends, but no more than that. Or so that’s how he thinks what happened. Baekhyun never mentioned it again. And he never asked about it. 

 

He keeps on walking and walking, glancing on the various images on the walls. There’s a crowd growing inside the gallery, which comes to no surprise since Baekhyun grew up to become a well-known photographer after college. He wonders what goes on in their minds when they look at his pictures. People see works of art. Chanyeol sees memories.

 

A quick thought flashes in his mind. Will the people recognize him in his pictures? Do they even know Baekhyun’s subject is among them? The girl by the entrance recognized him, but it seemed like everyone else are enthralled by his best friend’s art.

 

Chanyeol doesn’t how understand why he treated Baekhyun’s interest on photography that way. He was never a fan of Baekhyun’s old camera. Maybe because it annoyed him seeing that heavy camera always hanging by Baek’s neck. Maybe he thought he was never really “in the moment” because he was always literally saving the moment for future use.

 

Or maybe it was just because he was jealous of the camera robbing him of Baekhyun’s attention.

 

Seeing the finished products in real life makes him feel even worse. Today in the gallery, he thinks – as his gaze plasters on a picture of a rainbow reflected on a puddle – that the mundane can become extraordinary with just the right amount of magic.

 

 

 

 

 

∆

 

 

 

The rows and rows of pictures make Chanyeol realize how much Baekhyun must have loved him when they were young.

 

On one corner, there’s a shot of him sleeping. His face cannot be seen, only a section of his bare arm against well-worn wrinkly clothes. But he knows fully well of the three faint moles trailing down his elbow. They look like a constellation, he can hear Baekhyun’s words in his head. He was always fond of them, tracing little lines with his fingers every time they were together for sleepover. Chanyeol didn’t mind. He actually liked watching Baekhyun’s smile with every marked out on his skin.  

 

Not far from the picture is a shot of his back glistening under the summer sun beside rows of pictures of starfishes. It’s a view of the sunset taken from their secret spot on the beach they frequented to. Chanyeol doesn’t remember when the picture was taken because Baekhyun always took shots whenever they walked down the beach. He, however, is brought back to that one afternoon on the day of their graduation. Donned in their togas, they make their way on wet sand and lie down staring at the sky blazing bright reds and orange…

 

“Are you really going to study Business, Yeol?”

“Yeah. It’s not that bad. I have a little background lurking in dad’s company after all. And I like wearing suits.”

“I see. That means I won’t be seeing you that much.”

Chanyeol chuckled before answering. “I can always visit you.”

“Ha. Yeah right. If only a plane-trip to Japan is that cheap.”

“Nothing’s ever stopping you from taking Photography, am I right?”

“Yeol, you know I’ve always wanted this. Plus it’s a scholarship. And it’s Japan for pete’s sake! Maybe I’d get to send you pictures worth your time.”

Chanyeol remembers a distant memory of ice-cream smacked faces. He smiles before turning back to his friend.

“Good luck to both of us, then.”

“Yeol.”

“Hm?”

“Do you think we’ll still stay friends after this?”

“Of course.”

“I kinda want us to drift apart.”

“Wait, what? But why?”

“So that I can forget my feelings for you.”

A pause followed, trailed by the humdrum of waves crashing into the shore.

“You still like me huh.”

“Honestly. You never developed feelings for me?”

“I’m straight, Baek. You know that.”

“No. Look past through that. If I were a girl, or if you were a girl, or if this world didn’t have the concept of gender, would you have developed feelings for me?”

“Baek.”

“I’m not asking you to love me. Maybe this is just my ego talking, maybe because I think I’m not good enough for someone I love. I just want to know. If we lived different lives, would you have loved me?”

“Let me throw that question back at you: If I were a girl, or if you were a girl, or if I were somebody else, would you have developed feelings for me?”

“If you care for me like what you did in all these years, if you smile like your usual smile, if you stay with me like how you did every time I had a hard time, then yes. I would have.”

Chanyeol was speechless.

 “You haven’t answered my question.”

Above them, a plane made a trail of white against the fiery sky. Chanyeol sat up before answering.

“Let’s just say I believe in an infinite number of universes. And somehow, somewhere out there, I believe we’re in love with each other.”

“I see.”

“I love you, Baek. Believe me. But not in the way that you want me.”

 

 

 

 

 

∆

 

 

 

That was the last time they ever talked about their feelings that summer before leaving for college. They became busy with all the preparations and never really hung out until the last few days in town. But even those days were exhausting as they checked and counter-checked their stuff for school. Chanyeol was lucky enough to see Baek during their friends’ send-off parties. He, however, could sense something wrong between them. Like a wall slowly and steadily building higher to separate them. As if their agreement has been officially sealed after what he told him back in the beach.

 

Chanyeol offered to send Baekhyun off to the airport on the day of his departure. That meant squeezing into their car with the rest of his family. Chanyeol remembers Mrs. Byun’s endless reminders and Baek’s annoyed face. He remembers the dark circles around his eyes, probably from the lack of sleep.

 

He remembers squeezing his best friend’s hand with a smile, and how Baekhyun quickly removed his hand from the grasp.

 

And when at last the time came, they all had to say their goodbyes. His family went first, again with another round of reminders. This time, however, tears have found their way on their faces. It was Baek’s first time out of the country, and leaving is always very hard. They exchanged I love yous before Chanyeol found his best friend’s eyes fixed on his.

 

Aren’t you even going to say goodbye? Chanyeol remembers him saying. He walked towards him and took Baekhyun into an embrace. He remembers him tremble. He remembers feeling the dampness of the shorter boy’s cheeks soaking his shirt. Chanyeol remembers wanting to cry. But he chose not to and instead comforted his friend.

 

When they broke from the embrace, Baekhyun turned to him as he wiped tears from his eyes:

 

“Yeol, I’ve been reading.”

“Well that’s a first.”

“Oh, shut up. Anyway, did you know that men have higher tendencies to be attracted to the same more than women?"

"Haha. You wish, Baek."

Both of them broke into a fit of laughter.

Chanyeol paused to admire his friend’s face. A face he’ll never get to see again for some time. Years of memories flooded his thoughts.

“I’m sorry that I can’t come to see your beautiful places, Baek.”

He could see fresh tears pooling around his best friend’s eyes.

“Idiot. You still remember that, huh?”

“Goodbye, Baek.”

“Goodbye, Yeol.”

 

Five minutes later and Baekhyun was gone.

 

 

 

 

 

∆

 

 

 

Chanyeol is brought back to the present by a gasp beside him. It’s a woman in her late-thirties, wide-eyed. Chanyeol is knowingly confused.

 

“I-is that you in the picture?” he hears her say. Chanyeol follows with his gaze to where the woman was pointing at. It is another picture of him in the beach. He’s lying on the sand, eyes closed and mouth curling into a smile. Although this time, he knows when the picture was taken. He can see the collar of his toga and the rolled piece of paper they give you for graduation instead of your diploma. It was a picture from the afternoon they talked in the beach. Baekhyun must have sneakily taken it while he was dozing off.

 

He nods because it’s too obvious that he’s the one in the picture. The woman squeals in delight, asking why and how does he know Baekhyun. Chanyeol tells her the basics and excuses himself. He’s in no mood to talk. Not now that Baekhyun’s pictures have stirred up memories from his past.

 

Contrary to what they made themselves believe, Chanyeol and Baekhyun drifted apart in college. With Baekhyun’s family moving with him to Japan months later after he left, he had no reason to come back to their town. Chanyeol would start casual talk on Facebook, greet him during his birthday and the holidays. But with every attempt of conversation, Chanyeol slowly realized he’s no longer part of Baekhyun’s life. Two years later, he gave up and just satisfied himself with watching Baekhyun’s pictures which were already gaining popularity in Japan.

 

He’s not going to lie, at some point he blames himself for their friendship fading. Asking himself whether, if he just accepted his feelings, would they have remained connected even miles apart? Did he really not love Baek the way he wanted him? Or was he just afraid to confront his feelings? His realizations were too late, though. And it’s not going to bring back anything they had from the past. Thankfully there was his academics to distract him from his thoughts. And soon enough, two years became four, and he found himself graduating from college.

 

Just like what Chanyeol’s parents had planned for him, he became part of the family company, starting from the bottom and slowly inching up in the corporate hierarchy. His days became numbered hours, round the clock paper works, and countless business meetings. He’s trapped like a hamster in a wheel, and for a while he believed that’s where he belonged. He’s had his fair share of happiness. But he’s had his dark days, too. After only two years, he rose to become his father’s second hand. And in those two years, he realized two things. One, he might not love the corporate life the way he thinks he did.

 

And two, that even after years and years of not seeing each other, somehow seeing Baekhyun would bring back the past as if it was only yesterday.

 

 

 

 

 

∆

 

 

 

Chanyeol first saw him again as he walked along the streets of his hometown.

It’s a chilly winter afternoon and he’s back in town for Christmas. The town was covered in white after last night’s heavy snow. If not for his mom, Chanyeol would be back in his apartment watching Christmas movie marathons while getting drunk on aged wine. Christmas dinner had always been a big deal for the Parks after all. The Parks are a large clan. And the holidays meant reunions, ten families in all.

And so, he decided to go for a walk to escape the bustle at home. He turned his phone off to mute the text and calls from work, and his mind is determined to shut them all out until the end of the holidays. He watched the open shops as they go on about their business, remembering the times when he’d visit them with a forgotten friend.

“Baekhyun,” he caught himself saying his name. Six years. Six years and he still misses his friend. Baekhyun might have moved on. But Chanyeol hasn’t. Funny, because the way Chanyeol remembered it, his best friend’s the one who had feelings for him.

He turned round one corner of the street and that’s when he saw him.

Chanyeol first noticed a big camera pointed at his direction. He knew he was blocking whatever the photographer was taking a picture of, so he casually moves aside. He was just about to continue walking and mind his own business when the camera slowly revealed the man behind it. Chanyeol gawked in surprise as the familiarity hit him. And it hit him hard. 

“Baekhyun,” he muttered to himself.

The smaller boy stared him back. There’s a look of surprise on his face. And then the wonder gradually morphed into a smile.

“Yeol, is that really you? Oh my god, it’s been years.”

Chanyeol managed a chuckle. But he felt a sudden pang in his chest. Why was he acting as if six years was no big deal? Baekhyun moves a little closer and Chanyeol is washed over by another wave of nostalgia. How could he forget how he loved his best friend’s smile?

“Yeah.”

“You must be home for the holidays.”

“Can’t break the Park tradition,” he found the strength to say. Baekhyun has gotten a lot more beautiful after all these years. It’s in contrast to how Chanyeol’s own line of work seemed to drain the life out of him. His hands are shaking, and his heart is almost in his throat. Chanyeol couldn’t believe how he’s crumbling in front of his friend. Get your together, Park Chanyeol, he said to himself. For real.

“So why are you back in town? It’s not like you have anything to come back to.”

It wasn’t intentional. He didn’t mean it that way. When Chanyeol realized what he just said, it was too late. He watched as Baekhyun’s smile vanished into a thin line.

Baekhyun managed a weak chuckle before answering,” I’m doing an exhibit about our town. I found the films from my old camera and decided to give it a try.”

“I see.”

Aren’t you even gonna say you miss me? Chanyeol wanted to ask. But Baekhyun was at it again.

“Which reminds me… Are you busy?”

Chanyeol shook his head. “No. Not really. Why?”

“Can you come with me to the beach?”  

 

 

 

 

 

 ∆

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol takes a quick look at his watch. He promised himself ten minutes, but he laughs to himself upon realizing it’s been almost half an hour since he came. He shrugs it off, and instead focuses on the pictures on the wall.

 

Directly in front of him is the picture Baekhyun took that afternoon they met.

 

 It turns out that Baekhyun was taking a shot of the crowd coming and going along the alley. Somehow, the camera managed to catch him in clear view while everyone else was in a blur. Chanyeol stares at his face in the image, and laughs to himself as he notices the cluelessness on his own face.

 

Funny how amongst all of the pictures he has seen so far, this one’s his favorite. Among all the decent ones, he chooses one where he appears at his most natural state – eyes wide open, lips a little apart, hair speckled with bits of snow. Maybe this is what Baekhyun meant about loving the ordinary things – because it reminds you of life. Because it shows you things as they are, as how they appear in real life.

 

And that’s the beauty of it. It reminds you how to live.

 

Just below his line of sight hangs another photo Baekhyun took that day. And it’s one that Chanyeol will never forget:

 

Chanyeol could feel the discomfort growing with each and every step they made. He could see it in Baekhyun’s face. But no one seemed to want to do anything about it.

As the shore was almost at their sight, something else caught Chanyeol’s attention. Baekhyun looked a little more uncomfortable than earlier, fidgety even. He started rubbing his hands, and his breaths have gotten heavier and more frequent.

“Are you cold?” Chanyeol asked, although he might have just known the answer to his question. Without waiting for his reply, he took off his jacket and offered it to him. For a moment, Chanyeol saw a hint of the past Baekhyun in his eyes; the Baekhyun who lights up with Chanyeol’s every gesture, the Baekhyun who gets undone with his every touch. But that moment quickly passed as the wonder in his eyes turned into a cold gaze. Baekhyun took the jacket anyway. “Thank you.”

Five more agonizing minutes passed until they reached the shore.

The beach turned into a vast expanse peppered in white because of the heavy snow. Gray waves came and went, harmonious with the howling of the cold wind blowing to their skin. Not a single person was in sight. Everything was still, hushed, because the world is never truly quiet. But it felt like the world was waiting in anticipation, watching over the newcomers, over the story that was unfolding. It was as if the world belonged to only Chanyeol and Baekhyun.

Chanyeol was brought back to summer afternoons when they’d come here. Barefooted, they’d wade in the water and try catching fishes with their bare hands. Or while Baekhyun took pictures of the shells and the starfishes, he’d find small crabs and throw it at his best friend just for the laughs.

He always believed that the past is man’s greatest legacy to the world. We think of doing things, we do it, and when it’s done, it passes. It becomes a memory for us to look back in the future. Whatever we do is forever etched in time. It can never be changed. What’s left to do is go on about your life, do things, and make more to add to the past. Chanyeol always valued the past. In fact, he thought maybe he’s too hung-up with it. Maybe he’s too attached to let go. And it upset him to see that his best friend seemed to just throw their past away like it was nothing. It hurt him. Getting his feelings taken for granted.  Maybe that’s what Baekhyun felt when he told him he didn’t love him back.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun said. He’s quickly brought back to reality.

“Hm?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch much.”

Chanyeol laughed.

“You didn’t get in touch at all.”

There it was again, his mouth and feelings getting ahead of his mind. This time, however, Baekhyun managed to chuckle.

“I’ve been busy. I know you’ve been, too.”

“But if you really wanted to contact me, you would. No one is really busy, Baek. We just say that we are to avoid things.”

“Exactly, Yeol. I wanted to avoid you.”

 Chanyeol didn’t know what to say.

“Honestly, Yeol. This isn’t the first time I came back here after we moved to Japan.”

“Oh.”

“I sometimes come here when I’m in the country. I miss this place, Yeol. I grew up here. Just because we don’t live here doesn’t mean it’s not my home anymore.”   

“Do you still like me?” Chanyeol asked. This time, it was his head that was asking.

Baekhyun was silent.

“Did you let our friendship fade just because you still like me?” Chanyeol sounded desperate, selfish, angry. But maybe that’s what six years of waiting does to a person. His hands are balling into fists. He wanted to run. But he wanted to know what Baekhyun had to say.

“Yeol. I knew it was selfish of me to stop talking to you. But I was finally happy. I had other things to worry rather than asking myself why you won’t like me.”

“Baek, in those six years, did you even stop to think of how I felt?”

There’s silence, and a loud one at that.

“Yeol…what about you? Did you even consider my feelings at all? After all the years that we’ve been together, did you even stop even for just a second, to value what I felt, too? Did you even wonder if maybe I didn’t want to just be friends with you in all those times after you knew I liked you? And if I even told you about it, will you even change your mind?

Forget about your infinite universes, Yeol. I need what you feel for me in this universe. This is my reality. And I want you to be part of it. But not in the way that you want me to. And if you don’t like that, then I’d rather that you and I remain in different paths just like the last six years.”

Six years’ worth of unsaid thoughts came rushing. Suddenly the world was awake.

To Chanyeol, the waves crashed a bit louder, the wind blew a bit colder, and the grays got a bit darker. He could feel his heart racing. It was unfair. He felt assaulted, like all those unsaid thoughts slapped him hard in the face. That’s it right there, bared in front of him: he can’t have Baekhyun back in his life as long as he doesn’t reciprocate his feelings. This is how the story unfolds and the world moved closer in attention.

“I love you, Baek. Really. But…”

“But not in the way that I want you to. Yes Chanyeol, you’ve made that clear years ago. What am I asking is what you feel right now, right at this moment.”

Suddenly they’re facing each other, Baekhyun looking up to meet his eyes.

“Do you want me to be in your life?”

Chanyeol nodded.

“Have you dated anyone in the past six years?”

Chanyeol shook his head. “Just a few dinners but nothing more than that.”

“Are you single right now?”

He nodded again.

“Have you kissed anyone?”

Chanyeol was getting more and more confused.

“A girl?”

“Of course, a girl! Really Baek, how is thi-“

Chanyeol didn’t get to finish his question because, all of a sudden, Baekhyun’s lips were on his. He’s surprised but he didn’t pull away. The kiss is moist, cold. It was something he’d never felt before. It was like the butterflies in his stomach demanded for escape. Chanyeol had never kissed a boy. And to make it even more weird, he’s kissing his best friend. Suddenly, the smaller boy’s hands are clawing his shirt, and Chanyeol could only answer by on Baekhyun’s lower lip. The kiss lasted ten seconds. To him, it felt like years.

But in those ten seconds, Chanyeol felt like he was finally home.

“I had to make sure you’ve kissed a girl before doing that.”

Chanyeol watched as his best friend broke into a smile. He could feel his cheeks burning up, and suddenly, he felt a little embarrassed.

“W-why did you that?”

“Why didn’t you pull away?”

 “Because… Because it’s you. Because I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Really, that’s all? You didn’t like it?”

“Well, I… It’s not exactly bad but-“

“So you liked it.”

“I just did not not like it.”

“So why won’t you accept my feelings then? You’re single. You haven’t dated anyone after I left. You didn’t dislike the kiss. And from what I could see, you felt something else in that kiss. So… what the hell is your reason for not reciprocating my feelings?”

Chanyeol’s head is spinning. Baekhyun wasn’t exactly wrong but…

“Because I’m straight, Baek. I don’t see myself having a family with you. I want to marry a woman, take her to the altar, get married, and have children. I want to grow old with a woman. I want to be taken care of by a woman. I want kids of my own. I don’t know, Baek. I’m not blaming you for loving me. I’m not saying that this is just a phase; that you’d grow out of it and find a woman yourself. This is who you are and I accept that. So I hope you understand that this is who I am and I can’t change that.”

 There’s a long pause after. Chanyeol’s eyes searched for Baekhyun’s but the latter’s attention was far away. In the deepest crevices of Chanyeol’s heart, he knew he was right. He always knew he was right. He wanted Baekhyun to know that. Those were the exact words he should have said long ago. Maybe Baekhyun would have thought of getting over his feelings for him if he just made it clear right then and there.

But seeing Baekhyun beside him, tears pooling around his eyes, somehow, he doesn’t think that anymore. He tried to reach out to him but Baekhyun moved an inch away.

“Six years,” Baekhyun began. “Six years of self-control. Gone. Just like that.”

Baekhyun wiped his tears first before continuing.

“"Look at that sea Yeol. Six ing years I came here. Every time, I look at the shore and think, that’s me. I am the shore, beaten up by your waves, and yet I don’t go away. I don’t waver. Maybe that’s what I am. Maybe that’s what I want. Maybe I want to be stuck with you, Yeol.

But now as I watch that vast expanse of water, I think maybe that's my whole life, crashing on the shore and then molding its way back. I can do anything. I can crash and break but I can pull myself up and come back. Why would I ing waste my life on you? You're just a tick on my timeline. I have a whole life ahead of me.

You’ve made your decision. So, Yeol, please. Let me move on. Let yourself move on. Respect my decision. You’ve said it yourself – you don’t want to be my boyfriend. I hope you, too, understand that I don’t want to stay as your best friend anymore."

“Baek…”

The other boy ignored him. Instead he lifted his camera and took a shot of the sea.

“You should be honored,” Baekhyun said, laughing through tears. “You’re the guy with the great Byun Baekhyun as he takes his last pictures of his hometown.”

“Hey Baek… Listen.”

But Baekhyun won’t just let him talk.

“You still believe in your infinite universes, Park Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol’s heart is crushed as he heard Baekhyun say his full name.

“Yes.”

“You still believe somewhere out there, another Chanyeol is in love with another Baekhyun?”

“Yes.”

Once again, the world fades into a whisper.

“I envy them.”

 “Me too, Baek.”

Me too.

 

 

 

 

 

∆

 

 

 

Chanyeol has to hide his face as he wipes a tear. Thankfully he’s the only one admiring the photograph in front of him. Who would even dare stare at a sad picture like this, right? His attention goes back to the image as soon as the moisture’s gone from his eyes. The grays of the waves don’t give justice to the sadness he felt that day. Somehow, he remembers the grays as more intense, the crash of the waves more angry:

 

For a good five minutes, Baekhyun took some more shots of the beach and Chanyeol could see every time his best friend – ex-best friend, rather – would wipe the tears from his face. Only when Baekhyun started walking away did Chanyeol approach his side.

If their trip to the beach was agonizing, the trip back was hell. Baekhyun’s expression was cold, and the tears have swollen his eyes. Chanyeol wanted to give him his hanky but decided against it. After all, Baekhyun doesn’t want anything from him from now on. He made it clear back in the beach.   

And when, at last, they reached the street where they met, Baekhyun stopped to face Chanyeol. The latter held his breath.

“Here,” Baekhyun began as he started taking off Chanyeol’s jacket. Chanyeol, on the other hand, tried to stop him.

“Can you at least keep it?”

“And be reminded of you?” Baekhyun laughed. It was a genuine laugh. Chanyeol missed that. Chanyeol wanted to hear it again hours later. Days later. Years later. Over and over again. But now he just can’t.  

“No thanks. Here.”

There went that heavy feeling in his chest again. Chanyeol reluctantly took the jacket.

“I’ll be off. My hotel’s just a block away.”

Chanyeol wanted to ask him to join them for Christmas dinner. But judging by the look on Baekhyun’s face, Chanyeol knew he’d decline.

“Okay then. You take care.”

“You too.”

There’s a pause. Each is waiting for the other to make their move. Maybe wishing they’d do something to fix this mess. To take back what they’ve decided. Or maybe they just want to be the last one to go so they can watch the other walk away.

“Merry Christmas, Byun Baekhyun.”

“Merry Christmas to you, too, Park Chanyeol.”

I love you. Why couldn’t Chanyeol just say those words?

“Thank you for loving me, Baek.”

Baekhyun’s lips curled into a smile as the tears started welling up again around his eyes.

“No. Thank you for letting me love you, Yeol.”

 

In the end, Baekhyun was the one to watch Chanyeol walk away.

 

 

 

 

 

∆

 

 

 

That was the last time Chanyeol would get to see Baekhyun. Alive, that is.

 

Six months later – Chanyeol was sure of the days for he had been counting ever since in the hopes that he’d get another chance to see him – a terrible news shook the nation:

 

FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER AND LGBT ADVOCATE DEAD IN FATAL SHOOTING

SUSPECT ATTACKED “BECAUSE HE’S GAY”

LGBT COMMUNITY IN MOURNING

 

Chanyeol was back in his office when he saw the news on the television. It has never occurred to him how he’d meet death once he comes face to face with it. He’d never had someone close to him die ever since he was a kid. He never experienced what to feel, how to act about it, what to say.

 

“Turn that off.”

 

That’s what he remembers himself saying.

 

“I SAID TURN THAT OFF.”

 

So many people have taken time for granted. So many people have forgotten how to value the past. Chanyeol believed in the past’s great legacy. But he, himself, in the few months he’d been counting, somehow realized how much of it he wasted. Driven by the will to go on with life even without his best friend, Chanyeol decided to bury himself in more and more work. He was doing well. He’d found himself thinking less and less of Baekhyun. Even though, truth is, he’d rather not to. He was coming to terms with not seeing his best friend – until that day in his office when he found out that life took Baekhyun from him. For real.

 

Baekhyun’s dead.

 

He remembers sinking in his chair, his head gradually burying in his hands. He felt empty, confused. His head, throbbing. Every pulse was more painful than the last. And then the rush of emotions came. They burst out from the deepest part of his chest. Slowly. Rising, trying to escape.

 

Anger.

 

Melancholy.

 

Grief.

 

Fear.

 

Regret.

 

He found himself shouting as the emotions found their way up, forcing forth the tears from his eyes.

 

Baekhyun is dead.

 

He heard himself say.

 

Baekhyun is dead.

 

But, how? Why? Wh-

 

Only later that night when he met Baekhyun’s family in the funeral home does he find out the truth about what happened to his best friend. 

 

Baekhyun was back in the country for a rally on the LGBT rights. It was attended by the concerned members of the community. Baekhyun, being a public figure and a known advocate of gay rights, was naturally invited. He wanted to document the event and put up an exhibit to raise awareness on how they’re treated by the public. Everything was going well. The rally was peaceful. They had flowers, rainbow-colored shirts, and festive music.

 

That turned for the worse, however, just ten minutes into the event.

 

Without warning, a man emerged from the crowd and started shooting everyone. Bullets flew on all sides. Rainbow shirts were stained red. Suddenly, it was a riot. Suddenly, it was hell. From the police’s last count ten people died and twenty more were injured. Baekhyun was standing in front of the man when it happened. He tried to reason with him, witnesses said, but failed in the end.

 

Just a second later, a bullet goes through his heart.

 

Hearing it was painful for Chanyeol. But hearing it directly from Baekhyun’s parents broke his heart. Chanyeol was already in agony, he could only imagine their pain.

 

“How could this happen?” Baekhyun’s father asked him after he told his story. Chanyeol knew what the question was for. Baekhyun’s father doesn’t want to know the things that transpired that day to cause his son’s death. He was really asking whether they did something for their child to end up that way. They were really asking if it was their fault that their son is dead.

 

Chanyeol found the decency to say, “Sir, It was nothing you did.”

 

Later that night, when the media and most of the visitors had gone, Chanyeol found himself looking down at Baekhyun in his coffin. Six months. Six months flew by and now Chanyeol is finally looking at Baekhyun. But this time, there’s no gaze to answer him back. He choked back tears as he memorized his best friend’s face. A face he’d never get the chance to see smile again.

 

By the time the funeral came three days later, Chanyeol was numb of the pain.

 

By three months – as Baekhyun’s murderer was convicted to a life-long sentence – he learned to stop crying himself to sleep.

 

By the end of the year, Chanyeol was back to his normal, boring life again. He’s determined to move on. That’s why twelve months after Baekhyun’s death, he decides to come to this exhibit.

 

In memory of his best friend, his friends and colleagues organized the show. This was what Baekhyun told him he’d do the last time they saw each other, an exhibit about his town. But little did Baekhyun know – or did he not really? – the exhibit will showcase his life. Every bit of Baekhyun’s presence was captured in each picture that hangs on the walls of the gallery. One last time, Chanyeol needs to feel him before he finally moved on. After all, he knows this would be what Baekhyun would want.

 

One last time, he wants to show how much he loved Baek even if it’s not the way he wanted to be loved.

 

 Chanyeol glances at his watch. It’s been an hour since he came. And he thinks it’s time to go. He gives the shot of the gray waves in front of him one last glimpse. They seemed to bid him goodbye. He smiles to himself at his imagination. Probably just nostalgia.

 

“Excuse me?” Chanyeol hears from behind him. The low baritone makes his head turn straight away. He is met by a smiling boy with large, curious eyes.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Are you perhaps, Chanyeol?” the boy asks. His eyes won’t seem to blink. Funny how he reminds Chanyeol of an owl perching on a tree. Chanyeol nods, albeit a bit confused.

 

“I knew it!” Suddenly, the boy is ing his fist in front of him. “I could tell from the pictures it was you.”

 

“Oh, you’re not the first one to notice,” Chanyeol chimes in, chuckling. “I’ve been taking a lot of long stares tonight my friend.” His delight proves to be contagious as he finds the other boy joining in his laughter.

 

 “I’m Kyungsoo,” the boy smiles. “Do Kyungsoo.”

 

“Park Chanyeol.” He answers while grasping the other’s hand in a handshake. Kyungsoo’s grip is firm and he’s emanating an air of sophistication with his specs and his dark gray button-down. Chanyeol is sure he’s not just some run-off-the-mill curious seeker.

 

“So, did you know Baek personally? I mean, he’s not someone who’d just tell everyone I am the subject of his pictures.”

 

“Yes.” This time, Kyungsoo’s chuckle is a bit weaker than the last. “I was his boyfriend.”

 

Oh.

 

“I- Oh my god. I didn’t know. I’m sorry.” Because whatever can Chanyeol say in this situation?

 

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo mutters.

 

“Since when were you together?”

 

“I met him three years ago. In fact, we’ll hit our second anniversary next month.”

 

“I’m- I’m sorry.”

 

“Yeah. But it’s nice seeing all his pictures here tonight, don’t you think? It’s like…”

 

“It’s like he’s still here,” Chanyeol weakly says, almost inaudible. They glue their attention to the picture in front of them in an attempt to ward off the growing discomfort.

 

“Baekhyunnie told me about you.”

 

Baekhyunnie huh? He’d never imagine calling Baekhyun that his whole life. Just how much did he miss out in all those years?

 

“Quite a long list of bad things I suppose.”

 

“The opposite in fact,” he replies curtly. “He told me you were his first love.”

 

Chanyeol’s lips are numb as Kyungsoo continues on.

 

“After you met him back here, he was a mess. I was worried so I forced him to tell me what happened. It was the longest night I’ve had in my life. That’s when he told me about you. About how he was sorry to me because he still couldn’t get over you. And he told me that he can’t love me the way he wants me to be loved because he’s still hung up on you two not being together.

 

I told him it was okay even though I was hurt honestly. I gave him time. After all, you’ve cleared things out the last time you met. Maybe he’d finally get some sense into his head and let you go. In the next months that followed, we were happy. I was happy. And he told me spring last year that he was ready to move on.

 

That’s when the shooting happened.”

 

“I guess the worst part about him dying was not knowing what he was thinking in the end. Was he happy? Did he think he lived his life to the fullest? Did he regret attending the parade?

 

Did he really move on from you?”

 

Did he really, in all those months that followed, did he finally stop loving Chanyeol? Was he able to give Kyungsoo the love that he thinks he deserves? It is man’s natural tendency to be curious. To be intrigued by the unknown; to dwell with the “what-ifs”. But not knowing the answers to these questions weren’t up to Chanyeol, or Kyungsoo, or anyone for that matter. He thinks maybe it’s just naturally how things occur. Maybe they’re just not worthy to know.

 

Of all these things, there’s only one that Chanyeol regrets.

 

“I think the worst part was not being with him when he died,” he says this while taking a glance at Kyungsoo. There’s a faint change on his face. Like something clicked deep inside him. When he meets Chanyeol’s eyes, the smile is automatic.

 

“Chanyeol I want to show you something.”

 

By now, the crowd that has grown inside the gallery in the past hour was starting to dwindle. Kyungsoo makes his way through the sea of bodies while Chanyeol silently follows. They walk through three aisles before reaching a white door. Above it, a sign read: UNAUTHORIZED PERSON NOT ALLOWED

 

“I think the sign is there for a reason.”

 

“Oh right,” Kyungsoo roars in laughter. “I forgot to mention I own this gallery.”

 

Well . That explains the air of sophistication.

 

“Actually it was ours, Baekhyunnie’s and mine. He wanted to showcase his works in his hometown so he bought it. I live on the second floor now.” Chanyeol takes in the information while Kyungsoo opens the door.

 

The first thing that Chanyeol notices is the faint aroma of age escaping as they walk in. The room looks like a storage of sorts. It’s big. Almost looks like a hall instead. There are piles of picture frames stacked on each other everywhere. Rows of boxes, too, are scattered throughout. Chanyeol’s companion skillfully navigates through them all. He, however, almost stumbles on a box filled with pictures of what looked like fruits.

 

“Be careful,” Kyungsoo teases. “Those are worth thousands.”

 

Their trip stops upon reaching what seemed like the edge of the long room. Boxes located here have been piled to reach the ceiling but that isn’t what catches Chanyeol’s attention.

 

“Here we are,” Kyungsoo beams. In front of them, there’s a large, flat object leaning on the wall. It’s covered by a white cloth wrinkled in use. Chanyeol knows it’s another picture. But the size gets him a little curious. He guesses it’s around 5 feet by 5, and it is the biggest Chanyeol has seen that night in the gallery.

 

“This is Baekhyun’s most treasured work. And I know he’d want you to see this.”

 

Chanyeol is a little confused but Kyungsoo pulls the cover anyway. The cloth falls in a heap by their feet. Chanyeol gasps upon the sight of the photograph.  

 

“Is that-“

 

Chanyeol need not ask. He could tell from the melting snow on the sidewalk, the blurry outline of the crowd walking to and from the camera, the twinkling fairy lights that lined the stores, and the crouched back of a man walking away. He knows it was him. He knows it’s the day he walked away from Baekhyun.

 

“This is the last picture Baekhyun took from your town. This was his last piece of memory of you. He had this in print and told himself he’d burn it once he moved on.”

 

Chanyeol manages to smile. It was so atypical of Baekhyun to burn pictures. After all, photography was his line of work. But maybe that’s his way of signifying finality. One final gesture to ultimately forget Chanyeol. He looks at Kyungsoo and is met by a subtle sadness peering through his eyes.

 

“This is why I think he never really moved on even until his very last breath. This is why I think you were the one in his mind when he died. This is why I think he died still loving you.”

 

“Hey hey, Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol interrupts him. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

 

Chanyeol can tell what Kyungsoo is doing. The love of his life died without him knowing whether he reciprocated his feelings. He can tell he’s giving himself answers to satisfy his curiosity even if they aren’t necessarily true. But Chanyeol also knows Kyungsoo’s “what-ifs” are bigger than his. And he knows he has no place to judge the boy because of that.

 

“He loved you,” Chanyeol begins. “I can tell by the way you talk about him. You don’t have to beat yourself up for not knowing. He never left you even when he was confused about his feelings and I think that says a lot. I know Baekhyun just had a big heart. And I’m sure he had a special place for the both of us.”

 

A long pause follows.

 

“You’re right. I guess it’s the nostalgia,” Kyungsoo says, again, with a smile. “I just really miss him you know.”

 

“Me too.“

 

Chanyeol stood there for the longest of time, biting his cheek. Then Kyungsoo said, “There’s something else at the back. You might want to read it.” He helps the other boy flip the photo. The frame weighed tons. When they finished, Kyungsoo points at one corner and turns to Chanyeol.

 

“There,” he says. “Baekhyun wrote something at the bottom. He never really wanted me to read it. It’s a message that would disappear once he burned this. I think it’s for you.”

 

Chanyeol kneels down and – true enough – finds words etched in Baekhyun’s handwriting. The words are small, but the message hit him at large. The words read:

 

To the boy who I’ve always wanted but cannot have, 

somewhere out there in our infinite universes, 

I know we’re in love with each other. 

 

Chanyeol swallows hard. These really were Baekhyun’s words. He continued reading:

 

But I know having us in this universe where you don’t love me isn’t purely chance. 

Because of you I’ve learned what love really means. It’s not about having them close to you. 

It’s not about reciprocating someone’s feelings. It is accepting and never giving up on each other. 

And, because of you, I realized that I’ve had the love of my life near me all along. 

And I thank you that it’s not you.

Thank you for letting me love you,

Baekhyun

 

 Chanyeol almost dissolves on the spot. This was Baekhyun’s legacy to the past. The whole gallery, the rows and rows of pictures, wasn’t just Baekhyun showcasing their town. It was Baekhyun also collecting memories in an attempt to go forward.

 

We think of doing things, we do it, and when it’s done, it passes. It becomes a memory for us to look back in the future. Whatever we do is forever etched in time. It can never be changed. What’s left to do is go on about your life, do things, and make more to add to the past.

 

This was Baekhyun going on about his life, ready to do more things to add to his past. This was Baekhyun moving on.

 

“Kyungsoo,” he says. “I think Baekhyun moved on from me without even realizing it.” He pulls Kyungsoo down and lets him read the message. 

 

Although Baekhyun never really had the chance to burn it, Chanyeol knows, in the last moments of his life, his best friend thought of Kyungsoo and his ever selfless love for him. He knows that upon realizing how important Kyungsoo was to him, he unknowingly set Chanyeol aside. Chanyeol, of course, is surprised with this revelation. But unlike his previous sentiments that night, somehow he felt at peace.

 

It was as if, after going through all Baekhyun’s pictures, he finally got over the fact that his best friend’s gone. Like all these little memories that reminded him of Baekhyun healed him. They all came crashing to let him know that there is no regretting of the time and chances that have gone. It was all part of the universe’s plan. And that all that they can do now is move forward.   

 

That’s why as Chanyeol and Kyungsoo walks side by side towards the door five minutes later – with the blue-haired girl bidding them goodbye – Chanyeol realizes coming to the exhibit wasn’t a mistake after all.

 

There will come a time maybe that Chanyeol will be assaulted by nostalgia and his memories of Baekhyun. Even this moment, as he bids Kyungsoo goodbye, will soon become a memory that will remind him of his best friend. But Chanyeol knows that even if he gets sad, none of these things will break him. Because he’s now finally accepted Baekhyun for all that he is. And Baekhyun, likewise, finally has accepted the circumstances of their friendship.

 

Friendship. Because only Baekhyun’s mortal body died, their friendship will live a thousand lives. And, if in instance, there is another Chanyeol in the infinite universe out there who is happy living with another Baekhyun, Chanyeol is not jealous of them. Because he doesn’t regret how things worked out for the both of them. We don’t get the chance to choose where we begin. We can only choose where to go from there.

 

And this is where Chanyeol chooses to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

A/N: It's done! I hope you liked it. I never intended this to be just some sort of love story where Baekhyun ends up with Chanyeol. This is reality. It's not everyone's story but it happens. Life takes us by our feet and throws us face first to the various happenings that make up our time here on Earth. We do things and then suddenly it becomes part of our past.  

We are a creature meant to move forward.

Whatever is holding you back in the past, I hope you use it to go onwards in your life. 

 

(I'm sorry it's 6am and I haven't had a wink of sleep and I'm having a torrent of emotions)

Thank you everyone for the support! And if you've been following Pulp Friction and Catch 22, expect the update not later than next week. - exoxo